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Hi I'm new... (benzos, opiates, alcohol, therapy etc.)

Old 02-08-2011, 01:19 AM
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Hi I'm new... (benzos, opiates, alcohol, therapy etc.)

Hello all. I've been attempting to manage severe depression and anxiety since early 2008, the end of a two year relationship and the renewal of a strange and bumpy relationship with drugs.

Marijuana stopped "working" for me around this time. Everyone around me still smoked so I would be tempted into using only to find myself even more anxious and paranoid than normal.

My drug of choice is opium, and any of its derivatives. When I'm not smoking weed I drink, but I am a picky drinker. I don't drink Budweiser or any of its derivatives. But it's still a drug for me.

Valium and the like work WONDERS for my mood and anxiety, but my Psy D wants me off of them. Hell, I want me off of them. He has prescribed me Gabapentin... which is kind of like eating a salad when you're really hungry and then end up going to McDonalds for a fish filet and fries anyway.

Well thanks for reading. I was trying to just take the Gabapentin this week until I see the Doc on Friday... but I had 200mg of Tramadol, 5mg of Valium, and two beers today. Felt great at the time. Feels bad now.

Is sobriety worth it? I feel like my mood is destined to be anxious/dysthymic no matter how long I'm sober. I don't want that. I'd rather be on valium.
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Old 02-08-2011, 01:42 AM
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Hi thatfeel

I doubt you're going to find anyone here who'll tell you that getting sober is a piece of cake.

There's no easy way to get clean and sober - it can be hard, and it can be tough and it is scary - especially if you have other issues you've been self medicating for.

But the good news is - it's not impossible - and the rewards are great
I wouldn't swap my life now for anything - certainly not the life I used to lead.

Work with your Dr. Give it a shot.

There are many of us here living full complete and happy lives free of the burden of addiction.

You'll find a lot of support here.

Welcome
D
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Old 02-08-2011, 03:35 AM
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Other than alcohol, which should be stopped in rehab to monitor your recovery, you don't have to stop the other stuff all at once. Don't freak yourself out that you'll be so sober that it will be impossible to manage your anxiety.

Your doctor can help you stop taking all that crap, but if you need something for the anxiety in while getting your head straight, then be honest with the doctor, and don't lie so you can get more meds and work on leaving the stuff behind.
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Old 02-08-2011, 07:59 AM
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Neurontin

Neurontin, or gabapentin, is an anti convulsant drug that is sometimes used to treat depression and anxiety when other drugs don't work.

Given at high enough doses, it definitely works. It may be that the doctor didn't give you enough yet, because you didn't complain about it. Most people starting it feel real "drugged", wiped, "weird", sleepy, or SOMETHING. For me, I felt "loaded" but not in a good way. I was given this drug when NO antidepressant worked for me, and in fact made me way worse.

The weird, dopey feeling on Neurontin goes away after awhile, after which for some people it works great for anxiety and mood. I take 800 mgs once a day and feel no effect except less anxiety. I would like to stop taking it now, only because I want to reduce the number of medications I really "need" each day, which means my blood pressure pill, my cholesterol lowering pill, and pretty much nothing else.

I stopped taking oxycodone/oxycontin ("oxy's) because I recognized I had become addicted to them and that my whole existence became centered around them. Plus they were making me feel sicker than they made me feel good, and that was on higher, and yet even higher doses from multiple doctors and pharmacies. Can't keep that up and live a full life.

You sound like you may be coming to that realization with your substances you like to use. After awhile, the things that were good about them become outweighed by the things that are bad about them. If you have a good doc, maybe that person can help you sort this out and help you stop, if that's what you want to do. I stopped alcohol over 20 years ago when I recognized IT was controlling my life. Oxy's were harder, but any of these substances can be stopped. And, yes, the sobriety IS worth it.

Wanting to do it is the first step. Getting off of them is the next. The latter can't happen without the former. This is a good place to come to hear about the experiences people have getting off substances, why they did it, how they did it, how they succeeded, how they failed and then often suceeded because they failed. Lots of stuff.

I got a lot out of reading the "oxycodone withdrawal help" thread, which started quite awhile ago, but felt like home to me. My posts are in the latter part of the thread, but there are a lot of good ones all the way through it.

We want to hear from you, how you are doing, what you decide to do. Your story helps us as much as we can help you.
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Old 02-08-2011, 09:35 AM
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Originally Posted by thatfeel View Post
Is sobriety worth it? I feel like my mood is destined to be anxious/dysthymic no matter how long I'm sober. I don't want that. I'd rather be on valium.
It IS worth it! For me - drink and drugs have destroyed my life. I had become (and still am in many areas) unmanageable in my life. Not just the external stuff, but the inside stuff that kept me self-medicating for so long. The inside stuff blew into my outward stuff.

Being clean is not easy at times. The anxiety and depression are still things I deal with. They're not as bad as when I first stopped using so that's telling me that whatever I'm doing is starting to work...just hurts like hell right now getting through it. I can't do it alone. I need the help of others. Working the NA program and surrounding myself with people that have been there and already went through what I'm going through is saving my life. Giving me a life. One I never new.

After I got out of detox last June I was given 4 different meds by the doctor there. For anxiety, depression, anti-seizure and sleep. Took them for months after getting out. Relapsed one night on a handful of sleep med AT my sponsors apt. I am now off all meds. I realized - with the help of my sponsor and a couple of other friends - I was still trying to find a solution in a bottle.

I'm being taught how to live with my feelings - and no - they're NOT NOT NOT always comfortable and even very painful, but there are also good days! VERY good days! We can't have one without the other. There's no balance in that. What I AM learning to do is be human. I lost that ability in my using. I didn't care about myself or others.

There is a healthy way to deal with my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Drugs and drink ain't it. The anxiety lessens, the depression fades. For me - right now - I'm dealing with rage and deep sadness, but I know there is some good when I get through it to the other side. I just need to stay away from the dope. There's some good in it now. I am not going through it alone - and that's what NA has given me. Other people to guide me through it. People that have already passed through all that stuff.

YES - being clean is worth it!!
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Old 02-08-2011, 01:03 PM
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I just feel so aimless right now. I get anxious at the slightest things, and my mood is just generally so low. Unless I'm dosed.

When I have something to stay sober for, I can at least motivate myself to TRY. But right now... no girlfriend, no job, I was just trying to stay sober for my psychiatrist... somehow I find that funny. Welcome to my dark sense of humor and split outlook on the world (is it falling apart? is it entering a new age?)

When I'm dosed I at least DO things. I'm motivated, positive, awake. Tramadol has been my "compromise" opiate; I'm off the hard stuff. I can avoid alcohol the rest of the week now that there aren't anymore delicious Belgian ales in my fridge. As for Gabapentin, I've been prescribed 200mg 3x a day, a regimen I started just this last Sunday. It only made me sleepy. In fact I slept through the whole Superbowl haha.

About 1000mg of Gabapentin though... now that was something!

I guess I've just been replacing weed with other things for quite a while now, trying to find the things that work best. I appreciate your comment about not being "freaked out by sobriety" - that's exactly how I feel right now. I want it, but I'm afraid of it.

I will begin to find an NA group and cut out most of my beer consumption (none on weedays.)
The break-up I mentioned has remained a huge part of my mental life... even in my dreams. I see her (in my head) constantly. Is this real grief that I haven't resolved? Or is it just a symbol of my depression and drug use?

Thanks for all the replies.
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Old 02-08-2011, 04:40 PM
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Hey, we're here, even as you transition.

Few, if any, here will judge you on not being totally clean. Even though you can't see our faces, we hear you when you tell your story. Sometimes part of the healing is in the telling.
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Old 02-08-2011, 09:59 PM
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Originally Posted by thatfeel View Post
I just feel so aimless right now.
I don't see you as aimless as you think you are. You have been aimed here! Right here on SR is where I found my introduction that I no longer - ever - have to use again. I was still getting high. My original post from 2008 is huge. The people here stayed with me. They geared me towards NA - and I finally went. You don't even have to be clean to go. The ONLY requirement is the desire to stop using.

Originally Posted by thatfeel View Post
I get anxious at the slightest things, and my mood is just generally so low. Unless I'm dosed.
I was the same way. The only way I could get past this was to stay off dope and those feelings lessened. There's a lot of medical fact to why we get those feelings when we try NOT to medicate, but the fact is - those feelings are so whacked out because I did medicate instead of allowing the drugs to leave - let the brain heal, and start dealing with them.

Originally Posted by thatfeel View Post
When I have something to stay sober for...
YOU are something to stay clean for!! I can't do this for anyone else or it doesn't work. I couldn't do this for my kids, or my grandson, or my parents, or anyone else. When I began doing it for me - things began to change. Just before I went into detox last year I had people picking pall bearers. That is no joke. My ex-husband was told "no contact" by those same bikers in recovery. He wasn't to see me. I'm doing this to save my own life.

Originally Posted by thatfeel View Post
I appreciate your comment about not being "freaked out by sobriety" - that's exactly how I feel right now. I want it, but I'm afraid of it.
I am still afraid of recovery at times. Not necessarily recovery, but the fact that I can no longer use drugs successfully. I am MORE afraid of going back to what I was. Awesome motivation right there!

Originally Posted by thatfeel View Post
I will begin to find an NA group...
AWESOME!!!!!! Introduce yourself as a newcomer if you can. Your anxiety may not let you, but if you show up a little early you can mention it to someone before the meeting. Lots of groups concentrate on sharing for the newcomer and make them feel as comfortable as possible. It took me being high to go. It took me a little longer to stop using. But with their love and guidance - I was able to stop.

Originally Posted by thatfeel View Post
...Is this real grief that I haven't resolved? Or is it just a symbol of my depression and drug use?
Go to NA. Listen to what others share. Stay after the meeting. That's where I became most comfortable asking questions and getting to know the people.

Let us know how your first meeting went!
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Old 02-15-2011, 09:35 AM
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Still dirty...

I'm typing this outside a starbucks in orange county, 40 minutes before an interview at a school that will most likely lead to a job offer dependent on a drug test. I've been living at my parents' house in San Diego... taking this job would mean a move from there, and most importantly, a move into sobriety.

My timing couldn't be worse. I know I need to get off this stuff (valium), but I almost broke down in the gym yesterday morning after not dosing. That wouldn't be the first time I cried in a gym, but it would be the second in two years, both over the same girl. A guy crying in a gym on February 14th... Jesus what a sad and comical existence I have become.

After this interview I'm flying to Seattle with my mother to visit my sister at UW. Neither have any idea that I've been taking valium... Mom knows about the Gabapentin... but she thinks it's just for "mood" (not to prevent some crazy freeze-up seizure if I end up detoxing off benzos on a plane.)

I just don't know what to do at all. I feel I'm at a horrible transition point in my life. Before I drive back to San Diego I'll probably call the Sober Living house here in OC again, who say they might be able to take me in before detoxing since my benz dose has been so low. That will be an interesting conversation: "Well... I can't actually move in until after this weekend trip to Seattle wherein I will continue to take valium so as not to completely embarrass myself in front of my family..."

I think living alone or with strangers will be depressing and dangerous while detoxing. I think Sober Living is probably my best option... either that or canceling my Seattle flight and getting to a rehab center not to mention breaking off essentially all contact with my friends and and and

@#$%
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Old 02-15-2011, 10:21 AM
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My father was prescribed Valium before it was controlled, in the late 60s, as he worked swing shifts at a mill and could not sleep. We had a local doctor who got many of our town people hooked back then.
My father was addicted for 20 years, way past his retirement. He was forced off Valium around 1988 as no doctors left would prescribe him any and the last 4 years of his life were terrible. He tried every anti-depressant available at the time and nothing worked. He could not sleep, had terrible leg aches, would keep my Mother up rolling in the floor, walking the floors (we know so much more about PAWs than back then) and really never got better.
When he passed at 70 in 1992 from lung cancer it was from smoking 60 years, but I hated that the last few years of his life he was so miserable.
Please try to get off Valium in whatever method works for you while you are young, as you appear to be. Your chances will be better now than later of recovery.
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Old 02-15-2011, 08:27 PM
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Get in touch with a doctor when you get there - or go into medical detox. Valium needs medical attention to detox off if your intake is pretty substantial. Keep tryin' Hun! It's tough at first, but you can do this!!
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Old 02-16-2011, 02:04 AM
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It is definately worth it I like you took alot of Valium they are much less likely to keep perscribing it here in the UK and we can't go from Doc to Doc so I ended up getting lots illegally. I said I would only take them every now and then but was pretty quickley up to 40mg per day. I only started taking them to get off of booze and cocaine but actually found that they relieved all my symptons much better than ever and so got potentially an even bigger problem from them. I had also been a daily weed smoker and like yourself it hadn't worked for a long time.

Luckily for me I was already in AA when I bought all the valium and once sharing with my sponsor about what I was doing she convinced me to give it all to my mum so she could put it in a public bin. (trash can hehe). I haven't taken drugs since.

I thought giving up drinking and coke was easy and I had no intention of getting completely clean at 1st. Once I stopped the weed and valium the real work began and like you I really struggled. However after about 2 months of white knuckling, meetings, working with my sponsor and reading/posting here I am now 9 months clean and feel like a totally different person. I feel like a miracle has taken place I still have a long way to go but I feel SO much better and to think that I can feel this good WITHOUT drugs would have been a crazy concept to me this time last year.

I have even been able to come off my anti-depressant SSRI medication - it's amazing!

You have to be honest, open to new ideas and willing. I found the thing that helped me the most was trusting people who had been through something similar who said it would get better and seeing how it had changed their lives. I hope that you can get through the rough parts to see the beauty that comes after.

Much love Thatfeel xxx
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Old 02-16-2011, 10:57 AM
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Originally Posted by SereniTee View Post
It is definately worth it I like you took alot of Valium they are much less likely to keep perscribing it here in the UK and we can't go from Doc to Doc so I ended up getting lots illegally. I said I would only take them every now and then but was pretty quickley up to 40mg per day. I only started taking them to get off of booze and cocaine but actually found that they relieved all my symptons much better than ever and so got potentially an even bigger problem from them. I had also been a daily weed smoker and like yourself it hadn't worked for a long time.

Luckily for me I was already in AA when I bought all the valium and once sharing with my sponsor about what I was doing she convinced me to give it all to my mum so she could put it in a public bin. (trash can hehe). I haven't taken drugs since.

I thought giving up drinking and coke was easy and I had no intention of getting completely clean at 1st. Once I stopped the weed and valium the real work began and like you I really struggled. However after about 2 months of white knuckling, meetings, working with my sponsor and reading/posting here I am now 9 months clean and feel like a totally different person. I feel like a miracle has taken place I still have a long way to go but I feel SO much better and to think that I can feel this good WITHOUT drugs would have been a crazy concept to me this time last year.

I have even been able to come off my anti-depressant SSRI medication - it's amazing!

You have to be honest, open to new ideas and willing. I found the thing that helped me the most was trusting people who had been through something similar who said it would get better and seeing how it had changed their lives. I hope that you can get through the rough parts to see the beauty that comes after.

Much love Thatfeel xxx
Thanks, it has been a struggle already and I haven't even really begun.
All of the pills I have obtained were non-prescription, so it was easy to take as much as I wanted, get whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

With valium it's easy to lie to yourself and others "Oh I only take 5-10mg a day" because you actually DO forget how much you took sometimes or leave out the days you popped pills all day or topped it off with xanax or tramadol or booze or whatever.

Now that I am serious about recovery just thinking about the road ahead makes me nervous and filled with all of the symptoms of anxiety and depression I had before I started using (valium). I read in the meditation thread that addiction is a world of taking and being taken, and recovery is a world of giving and being given. I know I remember parts of that second world and the decisions that took me away from it. Like it says, the emptiness is so powerful sometimes that "waiting for grace" feels impossible. That's when I use or overdose on sex, pushing away the beautiful things that have been given to me for the temporary relief of that overwhelming emptiness.

If we lived in a world where life was just a choice of God or addiction, our days would be much easier. But there are also all the physicalities of life- "How am I going to do this?" "How am I going to get through that?" "Why is this happening to me?"- that make the decision much harder. I know I want to take the right path, but that path is so full of obstacles and one can't always just sit down for two months and take a break. I know recovery isn't a "break" but getting through it seems to make doing anything else relatively impossible. I am right on that borderline of "GO TO DETOX NOW" or "Just use gabapentin and NA."

Your post gives me hope, but unlike you, I've yet to toss my safety net into the "public bin." I'm not sure that I can do that.
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Old 02-17-2011, 02:58 AM
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ThatFeel it took me 4 months of almost daily AA meetings to feel ready to throw them away, and I was still smoking weed too. I was terrified to give those last 2 things up because in my mind they were the things that actually helped me, and in some ways they did, but in the huge majority of ways they just kept me enslaved to the pain and anxiety of when will I use? how will I pay for it? How can I ever stop? the guilt and the shame of not being able to leave the house without popping pills and hitting my bong 3 or 4 times, then getting in my car and driving to work high and thinking it was ok because at least I wasn't drinking. I would never have been able to just throw them away without a really strong support network already in place and that's why face to face meetings are so good in my opinion. After I threw them out and gave up the weed I started going to NA as well as AA and the people there kept me clean through the toughest part of my recovery- being REALLY sober for the 1st time since I was 15.

I really do feel for you and I know it is so so hard. The borderline you are on of either detox or NA is actually a positive place to be, choose one and dive in, with medical advice if it is the former. I wasn't sober when I first started going to meetings but everyone was patient and kind and most importantly they educated me on how to live without it all, I for one had NO idea how to even get out of bed without using, they and people on here showed me how.

Plus I can't say for you to put your pills anywhere I am not a doctor and withdrawals can be some of the worst from benzos, but I just wanted you to know my experience and the freedom I finally got from doing it.


I hope that you continue to gain resolve and I wish you all the best dude
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