whiskerkissed

Sucks like hell. Grieving the loss of the dope - 35 yrs of a life stolen by drugs - the damage done in my past - a childhood I never had.

This is some real sh!t. Raw feelings. Always go back to what I know is a quick fix in my head. It's not the solution I go with today, but getting through it is some intense and uncomfortable and UNKNOWN territory. I've numbed, stuffed and buried those for so long they keep building up and I feel like I'm going to implode.

My sponsor and people in the fellowship have been an awesome support system, but I'm afraid to even go out lately. I have rage issues anyway. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I've done enough of that, but when that rage hits it explodes. I have run people off the road regardless of their lives or mine. My pistol stays at home right now. Anger has been a drug for me for as long as I remember. Since preteen yrs. Distorts my reality and gives me that adrenaline pump.

Between the anger and the deep sadness when that anger does go is so consuming. I JUST NEED TO GET THROUGH THE OTHER SIDE!! I don't want to go back to what I was - but it sure hurts like hell getting to where I'm going!!!

Missybuns

we are right here with ya.

Timebuster

I had to mourn the loss of the comfort that drugs gave me. I had to mourn the loss of how horrible I felt about myself when I was in the haze of that relationship. I had to mourn the bad times, of which there were many. I did things I'd never enjoy doing today.

whiskerkissed - A rebel without a course

Bad girls, bad girls whatcha want
Whatcha gonna do when sherrif John Brown
come for you tell me whatcha gonna do.

Bad girls bad girls
Watcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do
when they come for you
Bad girls, bad girls
Watcha gonna do, watcha gonna do
when they come for you

When you were eight
And you had bad traits
You go to school and you learn the golden rule
So why are you acting like a bloody fool
If you get hot you must get cool

Bad girls, bad girls
Watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do
When they come for you (repeat)

You chuck it on this one
You chuck it on this one
You chuck it on mother and
You chuck it on you father
You chuck it on you brother and
You chuck it on you sister
You chuck it on that one and you chuck it on me

Nobody naw give you no break
Police naw give you no break
Soldier naw give you no break
Not even you idren naw give you no break

Why did you have to act so mean don't you know
You're a human being born of a mother with
The love of a father reflections come and reflections go
I know sometimes you want to let go
I know sometimes you want to let go

The problem

The lack of self-acceptance is a problem for many recovering addicts. This subtle defect is
difficult to identify and often goes unrecognized. Many of us believed that using drugs was our
only problem, denying the fact that our lives had become unmanageable. Even after we stop
using, this denial can continue to plague us. Many of the problems we experience in ongoing
recovery stem from an inability to accept ourselves on a deep level. We may not even realize
that this discomfort is the source of our problem, because it is often manifested in other ways.
We may find ourselves becoming irritable or judgmental, discontent, depressed, or confused.
We may find ourselves trying to change environmental factors in an attempt to satisfy the inner
gnawing we feel. In situations such as these our experience has shown that it is best to look
inward for the source of our discontent. Very often, we discover that we are harsh critics of
ourselves, wallowing in self-loathing and self-rejection.

.
The solution

Today, the first step toward self-acceptance is acceptance of our addiction. We must accept
our disease and all the troubles that it brings us before we can accept ourselves as human
beings.

The most effective means of achieving self-acceptance is through applying the Twelve Steps
of recovery. Now that we have come to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we can
depend upon His strength to give us the courage to honestly examine our defects and our
assets. Although it is sometimes painful and may not seem to lead to self-acceptance, it is
necessary to get in touch with our feelings. We wish to build a solid foundation of recovery,
and therefore need to examine our actions and motivations and begin changing those things
that are unacceptable.

WK, When I get caught up in chronic dissatisfaction with self, it helps for me to remember that my Higher Power accepts me unconditionally as I am totality, and loves me and cares for me... when my Higher Power can accept me for who I am, why can't I?

Self acceptance is the greatest gift I have been given in recovery.

TB

tomtricky

Everyone on this forum is here to help you whisker. One addict helping another is without parallel. I grieved for my drug of choice, I mourned the life I was living, I still wanted to be the old Tom even though I knew it was destructive and I would end up dead, I nearly did. But think about everything clearly and although at the beginning of recovery nothing seems like it is going to get better it does. It just takes time, patience and faith. I wish you the bestest of luck and urge you to come back and visit these forums regularly.

whiskerkissed

((TB)) That's an awesome IP. It's one of those I've highlighted.

I was talking to my sponsor this morning. I'm on my 4th step right now - still writing. The assets part. After asking someone what they liked about me I immediately went into "I ain't all that". My sponsor was real quick to point that out. Self-acceptance - low self-esteem. My homework today is finding 10 positive affirmations and put them on my mirror. Read at least three every time I go in there. The person I had asked the question to opened up some real hurt. He made sure I wasn't going home right then. Sent me back into a business meeting (not my homegroup) just to be with the people. Told me to sit my ass down and stay!

That kind of love in Narcotics Anonymous is what's keeping me going. If not for the fellowship I would be using.

Rebel...and my sponsor uses that. I am so defiant (defensive) and rebellious! Still live by survival mentality a lot of the time. Getting better at not doing that, but d@mn I have a long way to go. My sponsor uses reverse psychology on me and I usually don't even catch it until later what happened! I've got an old school sponsor that doesn't pull any punches. I'm very grateful for that.

Right now I'm just deeply sad. A lot of hurt. My chest tightens up. I want to lash out. I'm getting ready to head to a friends house. She's kinda taken me under her wing. Also old school NA. 16 yrs clean. Same as my sponsor.

I just want to get better. I'm still close enough to leaving the drugs I still react first in my thoughts that way. It's also not all about the drugs anymore. The whole disease of addiction - in all it's little f*cked up games in every area of my life - still tries to kill me. Still tries to take me back. Trying to make better choices. Relying on that good Higher Power more. Something I never had before NA. Willing to do some work today.

This IS NOT EASY!!! I want to feel good...and I don't.

glitter

I am currently writing my 4th step. And it is painful. While my list of resentments is not a long list, the "what happened" part is killing me. It's almost like reliving everything. I end up with a physical reaction....trembling and almost breathless. That voice inside my head tells me I deserve to feel dfferently. Raw, yes! These are feelings that I've stuffed for a couple of decades.

I can only write little bits at a time. And when I get that physical reaction I have to put the pen down and head to a meeting. I'm fortunate I can get to so many meetings - I'm not currently working.

This sh!t IS hard. I so totally get where you're coming from whiskerkissed. I'm glad you have friends with some solid recovery to lean on. Likewise, I'm glad I have a sponsor, grandsponsor and sister sponsees for me to lean on!

Zencat

I know that feeling all too well. I ended up cooking my noodle by living most of my life fulled by rampant drug addiction. Eventually with a strong commitment to wellness I was able to do the work that helped me let go of the past. Without blaming or feeling remorse for what happened to me at my own hand or at the hands of others...I let it go.

Keep up with your recovery program and things can get better all the way around. Once the past was put behind me I could spend more energy moving forward and managing the symptoms that would drag me back to a life of self-destruction.

whiskerkissed

I'm doing better. Still get angry - dealing with some anxiety...but overall the rage and deep sadness are gone. My shrink gave me some literature on what anger/rage is. He works strictly with addicts - was one himself. It helps to really identify the triggers and mind-set of my feelings and how me, as an addict, responds to them.

Getting better - a day at a time...

stugotz

I felt that way at first, until I realized I lost nothing to dope. I chose to throw everything away. See, dope wasnt the problem, I was. Then I could start to recover. Just sayin...

whiskerkissed

I most definitely am the problem - however - until I knew there was a choice I had no choice. Today I do - and now its working through those choices and learning what how to live life on life's terms - good and bad - that I begin to recover...and I am!

Missybuns

I just posted this in different thread in the New To Recovery forum, it fits here too:

I have posted this more than once on this site...it provides a practical application I can use to bring on some serenity.