Willybluedog

Hi everyone,

I am really struggling with my feelings.

My mom is 76, she has been a functioning alcoholic for over 40 years and it is finally starting to catch up with her, she has been hospitalized with heart issues 3 times in the last year and the doctors have told her she is killing herself.

She is massively self absorbed, she would rather drink than spend time with her granchildren and has spent most of her marriage breaking my fathers heart.

I love her because she is my mother, but I hate her.

Does anyone else feel like this?

I just switched anti-depressants to try and get more releif, and am in counseling, my therapist says my feelings are understandable but has not offered a solution for me to work through this.

Impurrfect

((Willybluedog)) - welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what brought you here. This forum may be slow at times, but I recommend you read posts in the Friends&Family/alcholics forum. Though the relationships may be different (mate, child, etc.) a lot of people, there, have dealt with similar issues.

You're not alone, and though neither of my parents was an A (addict/alcoholic), the feeling of loving someone and, at the same time, hating them is a fairly common thing when addiction is involved.

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. You may also want to check out al-anon meetings, as they are for the loved ones of alcoholics and f2f support can really help.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Goldberry

Hi Willeyblue, I'm so sorry about your mom's health. I know how you feel about love and hate... You hate the fact that she cares more about the alcohol than her own family and health. It is called compulsion. This is a disease that is an addiction and they can't stop even though they may say they want to. Unfortunately there is not much we can do for them if they don't really want the help to get better. I also have a 70 + Amom who functions during the day but is a complete mess most nights. And my poor dad doesn't know what to do half the time. Once he called 911, he was so desperate. But usually he goes into his computer room and slips into his own world. I don't live near enough to be there all the time but I visit a few times a year. That's how I detach... distance helps. A lot. I didn't plan to live a couple hundred miles away, it was what God put on our hearts many years ago before she was like this. My mom was not a drinker when I was growing up, when I got married or when my sons were young, so with my mom this is an aging thing I guess. She is depressed a lot about so many things she has no power over. It's heartbreaking to me to see her turn to alcohol to dull her pain. She is starting to have physical problems too. Hives, not sleeping well, and who knows what else internally. She doesn't want to get help either. I am angry with her that she has let this happen but at the same time I love her because she is still such a loving, giving person when she is more herself in the daytime. She has at times had blackouts and picked fights with my dad. He is afraid she will hurt herself badly. She has also already broken an ankle and her wrist stumbling at night. My dad just recently told me she takes Ambien to sleep. What a deadly mess. Of course I told him please don't let her take it and they are asking for big trouble. I go to an Alanon meeting once a week as Impurrfect has suggested. That's a great idea. It has been very helpful and supportive for me to hear how others have learned to live in some peace with their alcoholic/addict. Check it out! God bless.

Willybluedog

Thank you to both Impurrfect and Goldberry the fact that you have responded means so much to me.

My mom has always been drunk, it just that as time goes on she gets drunk earlier and earlier in the day, she now starts about 3 pm where when we were young she started about 9 pm.

I am going to try Al-anon, we live out in the country and the closest meeting is an hour away so I was thinking of trying the on-line program.

Thanks again and may god bless you and keep you well.

Bill

CSHNow

Sorry for your troubles and I believe I understand. Just wanted to say though that to me 76 is NOT elderly. That's because as I age I keep pushing "elderly" further away ! Too bad your Mom can't get a handle on her drinking it must be very difficult for you and your family, friends etc. to watch. My own mother who turns 87 in March was quite a drinker even when she was 76. She hardly touches alcohol now although does like the idea of a happy hour in the afternoons. It gives her something to look forward to even though she only has a sip and then pushes the drink away. She NEVER had any treatment for alcoholism of any kind and was frequently nasty and unsociable when drinking... we all had trouble with it. Now, however, I look at it differently because I realize that she drank because she had fears about herself, and didn't feel validated, which of course was impossible to do because she pushed us away.... I am wondering if my brothers and I had just tried to treat her better she might have been saved from all her self hate which increased her need to seek oblivion through alcohol. Guess we'll never know and it might also be true that she actually had no problem with her drinking at all..... ?????????????????? I do know for sure that I may have saved myself a lot of upset and grief if I had known then how to detach and let her be. I also may have been further ahead in many of my own endeavours ,hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Who knows ! "Live is lived forwards, but understood backwards" (Cannot spell the philosphers name for the quote. Sorry) Knietche ????
Just my thoughts.

positiveadjust

The disease of addiction could even be called a "disease of thinking errors. My uncle do the same thing happens to your mom I try to convince him to stop doing that again and he always refuse they don't see a clearer view or the result of their doing especially inside of their on family. But don't stop reminding her sooner she will realize and I know that was the love is.