Payne

This Saturday I took a massive step back. During a conversation I blew it out of whack and immediately assumed the other person was attacking me. Later I apologized and adjusted. Luckily the person it was with understands as best as another person can, how I can act sometimes. I spent the whole evening embarrassed and mad at myself for acting how I had months ago. I had worked very hard on not reacting like that, on giving myself time to process before reacting and thus no longer being the aca in that respect. I forgave myself before the end of the night because it's a learning process, and I learned not to be so cocky about how far I've come. An annoying but helpful reminder.

Today I came home, and my dogs had destroyed the house. Usually I would have fought with my temper and let them outside before it could take over. Instead I was able to grab control and take a couple deep breaths. In the end I forced the dogs to calm down, calmly told the "guilty" party she was a bad dog, then let them all outside.

The part that is so hard is the impulsivity that is created in my temperment. Alcoholics are impulsive and thus I have learned to be just as impulsive to combat that tendency. I jump to solutions before knowing the whole thing, because if I wait to long it may change. I jump to reactions because I feel its the only way to control the situation. There's that fun little world, control. It's a big web of lies and issues that were created growing up in that world.

One thing I need to remind myself daily is; slow down. I'm no longer on a carival ride spinning out of control. The only way that carnival ride speeds up or slows down is at my hands now. So Deep Breath.

Payne

Things went sour between this same friend and I a day or so ago. She's seems a little bothered and tonight was a tense but quiet night. Yet by the end she seemed to appreciate that I respected her being upset and allowed her to be without flipping. Stupid but reading this its such a difference.