JustAYak

While reading some of the ACoA text, I noticed that they keep referring to me (an ACA) as "dependent". That is not me... not at all. I am the complete opposite. I am extremely independent, and have a harder time getting close to people, I am more of an isolator, which I realize the text also refers too but it really does paint this picture of ACAs being considered "clingy." I grew up thinking I could only depend on myself for love, trust, and affection, so I do not think I have carried a trait of dependency on as I do not like it when I receive tons of attention and affection from others... Do they interpret dependency as love and affection? If this is the case, is this one of those things where I should just "take what I need and leave the rest?" Personally, I am not clingy and I certainly don't rely on others for love and affection.

Am I getting this wrong? Do they mean dependent as... looking to others for approval or feelings of validation that they are doing things right? I can see how that would fit into my life, I have the tendency to be a people-pleaser. I seek advice, approval, and trust from others, I am certain of that. I'm just a little confused on their meaning of dependency because I deeply disagree with the notion that I am a "clingy" type.

DesertEyes

Hello there Jason

Well.... dependent on _what_?

There's many different types of ACoA "dependency". Let me share some of mine and see if it makes sense.

My alcoholic father was the generic drunk. Undependable, irresponsible and pretty much useless as an adult. As a child I felt like I was the only "adult" in the family. At an emotional level I wasn't, but I was considerably more mature than my parents so the _difference_ made me feel older. I swore that I would never grow up to be like my parents.

When I became an adult I followed thru on that promise. I became extremly over-responsible and ultra-dependent, just to prove to myself that I wasn't like my father. He was a writer, so I intentionally avoided having anything to do with writing and found a career as a photographer. My whole life was focused on being _opposite_ of him.

Which made me a very tense, obsesive person. Constantly focused on being _perfectly_ dependable, perfectly responsible.

I had become "dependent" on my past, on trying to compensate for it. Everything I did was controlled by my _need_ to be the opposite of something I had left behind years ago. I was not living _my_ life. I was living a _reaction_ to _his_ life. That was my "ACoA dependency".

Nope. We mean "dependent" in the sense of who decides what you do with your life. If you are a people-pleaser because _you_ decide you want to be one, then there is no "ACoA dependency". However, if the people-pleasing is the result of some kind of "emotional injury" that has not yet "healed" then you might want to consider if that behavior is a type of dependency on the past.

Basically, if you can walk away from a behavior and never look back, like you would from a swarm of hornets, then it's not a dependency. But if you keep doing the behavior again and again even when you are trying _not_ to do it, then you are welcome to join us as we walk this "path" of recovery in ACoA

Am I making sense with that?

Mike

tabfan

Well put, Mike.

Seren

I agree, Jay, it seems a very generic term. Plus, it seems to me that not all ACoA's have all the typical characteristics and personality traits....certainly my own mother has many, but not all....

Glad to see you here, Jay!

Hugs, HG

49er_fan

I’m a pretty independent person much like you. But I will tell you what I am dependent on. I am dependent on the approval of others. I’ll do anything for approval. Approval is my drug. That is where my people pleasing stems from. I could care less if I make someone happy. I want their approval. I crave their approval. My self esteem and sense of worth is dependent on it. And I haven’t learned the skills yet to break free of this dependency on approval. I’m trying every day, but it’s difficult. I now know what an alcoholic goes through trying to give up alcohol.

So when you ask, “Do they mean dependent as… looking to others for approval or feelings of validation?” Yes. A big yes. We receive our low self-esteem through attrition. We believe that if we received our low self-esteem through how our family (and others) treated us, then our family (and others) must have the power to restore that lost self-esteem. So we become dependent on them, hoping, waiting for that one day, when they’ll unleash that power. Sometimes they’ll show hints at restoring our self-esteem, but it’s a tease, it’s never enough to fully recover and usually ends up in disappointment. Because of that, we become more dependent, holding onto the thought that if I received a trickle of positive self-esteem from them, then I’ll receive more. It’s a perpetually damaging game.

Once we give up the idea that our family (and others) can restore our self-esteem (and our sanity) and that only I (and God) have the power to do that, we will break our dependency on others.