atalose

As loved ones of addicts/alcoholics when the chaos and crazies become to great our best solution we are told is to go NO CONTACT, cut off all communications in order to save our sanity and our own lives. And of course as codependents we view this as cruel and unloving and probably the hardest thing any of us have done or will ever have to do.

I often wonder what’s the other side of this look like?

I often hear parents share how it angers their children and their sons/daughters lash out more towards them using more manipulation and guilt.

I hear partners share similar stories of attempts at manipulation and guilt YET and I’ve only been in the rooms for a short 5 years I’ve never heard anyone talk of outcomes after going no contact either with their lives or the lives of the addict/alcoholic they loved.

So what does the other side look like, besides that it sucks, cause its sucks from this side too!

Impurrfect

(((Atalose))) - I'm an RA AND a recovering codie.

I sort of went NC with my family when I was using..not exactly the same thing, but I didn't really want them in on all the details, and definitely didn't want to see the look of hurt in my dad's eyes. However, he did track me down, a few times..would come to see me every few months, pick us up a lunch which we'd eat at the park, then drop me back off in the 'hood.

When he told me he wouldn't/couldn't bail me out of jail, I was angry, vaguely mentioned suicide, but sitting in jail for that night, I realized it was all on me.

I was, honestly, too busy getting high to think about anything else. It was a 24/7 thing for me.

When I left my XABF#3, it was NC by his choice...no way to contact him, except when he was in jail. I did send letters, and he'd write back with all the "jailhouse promises", and I'd tell him how life in recovery was. Can't help it..still wanted him to get it for HIM, but made it clear there would be no "us". When I told him "no, I'm not sending you money, don't ask again" the letters stopped.

I saw him, once more, at his mama's funeral. She was an awesome lady and VERY supportive of me. I never saw him again....found out, last year, he had died a month earlier.

I don't think this really answers your question, but it's what I've got. Though dad never went totally NC with me, he definitely told me "no, I will not"..put up with this, get you out of jail, etc. and today? I'm very grateful. At the time, I was angry, but it only took a few days clean to realize that I was most angry with myself.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Time4Me1

Interesting thought!!!

justjo

I can only tell you what my sister said to me. For many years I was always there for her (yes it was a battle to keep my sanity). Over time I gradually didnt see her as much and the telephone calls went down to once a week or two. She would tell me how horrible her life was and that the family didnt care. She felt very alone, scared and ill. I knew this but I had done all I could have done for her. The addiction was at its worst.
One thing that sticks in my mind - A couple of weeks before her death she was crying and said "I never thought you would give up on me" Now Im not sure exactly whether this meant - I never thought you would not be there for me OR I never thought you would give up on me.
If only she had not given up on herself.
JJ

TheDub

I really don't want to say anything that would guilt you back into codependency. But I must say my family may be one of the few things that helped get me back on track

However my father (mom's absently mostly), set very strict boundarys. I was not to come to his home or even call him if I was under the influence. He also would never give me ANY CASH at all. He would though allow me to come over, eat some food, and offer his help to me, when I was ready to accept it.

I guess it's a slippery slope. For some personalitys "No Contact" may be the only reasonable option (if you know you cave in). But if you are able to set strict boundaries , you may be the one constant thing in their crazy, erractic lives.

But obviously if your addicted loved one is causing you too much stress, heartache and strain. It may be best to go the "No Contact" route.

Every addict is different, and you have to let them know that any manipulation will not be tolerated.

atalose

TheDub,

Thank you.

I did all of those things with boundaries, I did the not giving money thing. I heard the guilt trips of how “I was the only good stable thing in his life, how if he didn’t have me he’d just give up”. I heard the anger about how much he hated his family, I urged him to reach out to them, resolve his issues with them because if he can’t resolve those relationships he’ll never be able to maintain any others.

I once read that history doesn’t repeat itself – people repeat history. In the past when I’ve left and he was at his all time low – he does reach out to his family, it’s in maintaining those relationships that he continues to fail. He has a NEED right now, next week he may not have that need and he’ll pull away from them.

My boundary was the pills, and if he started on them again I was gone. He’s been chasing recovery for years, relapsing every 7 or 8 months each time worse and worse results.

I’ve worked my program I continue to work my recovery each and every day what he does now is all on him. The last night we were together was extremely unpleasant, him raging out of his mind and me leaving…… so I guess the ball is in his court!!! Although I believe he feels that this time he’s done it, I am not coming back.

I imagine he’s trying to do something different then in the past, I only hope it works for him.

40Thieves

I have an addict ex hubby and an addict son (not the son of the ex.) The ex was addicted to crack. I tried setting boundaries and it didn't work, so I eventually had to leave or go bankrupt, emotionally and financially. My attempts to remain in limited contact were ignored with the ex. With my son, I set boundaries such as you can't live with me unless you are in a program of recovery, I won't give you money, etc. We remain in contact and my son has been clean for about 3 years. My ex,,who knows? I guess blood is thicker than water.

CatWings

I am a codependent and I was involved with an alcoholic/addict who I also think has a high degree of narcissism.

I am also a recovering alcoholic/addict myself but was not as "bad" as my ex except when I went no contact and had all kinds of crazy codependent withdrawal anxiety. I had become addicted to this person but I had to cut off contact because he broke up with me and then wanted to play manipulative and passive aggressive games around hurrying up and being "friends."

I had given this person way too much control over my mind and my emotions and he pretty much left me no choice so I said I needed space and time before I could ever resume a friendship. We did not discuss when No Contact would end.

He broke through my boundaries about twice and then just went away when he saw it was not going to manipulate me into trying to win him back.

Then I ended up feeling abandoned as he has not yet once come around to see how I am. I sent him a nice letter saying I hoped we could perform together still as artists and to let me know after the first of the year. he sent a nice note back and said he was open to that, but I have not heard from him.

I ran into him at a party and he acted like he was obliged to come talk to me for only a few minutes as he as leaving. Didn't ask how I was, didn't look very well, or very present. I can see that his addictions are taking down.

I am not psychic by any means, but what I got is that this person is still carrying a resentment against me for not allowing him total control over the breakup and impending friendship. I think he feels abandoned, though I have made two nice gestures towards him in the last couple of months.

I often think if I had not taken space, maybe I would not have lost my friend. But I had to do what I had to do for me and honestly, the more time that goes on, the more perspective I get on the relationship. It was extremely unhealthy and it has taken me a long time to get it out of my system.

Now that I am 99 days clean and sober, I am so happy I am not with him anymore though I worry about him and love him still. But he can't love me or respond as a friend anymore. But that is his choice and there is nothing I can do about it. I have done what I could and I can't do anymore. It's time to let go.

And it does suck. It hurts a lot for a good while, but you start getting used to it and discover you are stronger than you thought and then you come to respect and like yourself again and even feel sorry that person.

Good luck to you. It does get better. What I have learned out of my two nice gestures towards him as a friend, is that it was not really appreciated and that he can't care about me and his fragile ego and his addictions won't let him.

I have discovered that there are a lots of other people out there to love and be loved by and have made new friends who appreciate me. At first it felt all fake, like how can this take the place of how close I was to my ex? But it's good now.

Change and growth is painful and it does suck at certain points but you have to keep following your gut and doing right by you and you first.

CatWings

LOL - I just realized I am still doing a lot of mind reading as a co-dependent. I think it is safer to say I can't know what he's going through over me and the whole no contact thing. But what I am going through is a lot better now. I can only keep my side of the street clean and maybe wave to the other side - and that took a good while. I think if you are meant to have that person in your life, the whole No Contact thing will have been good for everyone involved.

And if it needs to be permanent, then it does. I often found myself talking myself into getting a grip and realizing that we are all on our own journey and maybe that's just where our paths needed to diverge. Nothing is forever. Everything is impermanent to some degree or another and there could be a million different things going on that are far better for me. It's just sadness and grief that has to be gotten through and the childhood fears of separation.

If it's family we are talking about, I know that hurts a whole lot more on some level. I am enjoying building a family of choice.