I don’t trust my thoughts and feeling.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Chatsworth CA
Posts: 44
I don’t trust my thoughts and feeling.
I don’t trust my thoughts and feeling. I am not suicidal!! It’s just when I should be sad, I am numb. When I should be angry, I rage and then pacify my feelings and/or thoughts as not important. When I should be concerned or worried – I could careless. When I should focus, my mind wanders. When I should just let go of irrational thoughts; I fixate on them like my life depends on it. And as for happiness or contentment – well let’s just say in my dreams I am happy and all is right with me and my life. 2010 was all about my boyfriend and his drug addiction/demons/bad attitude/ and our relationship. 2011 I have been working on me.
However I am sooo frustrated and confused in working my steps in order to deal with my depression and obtaining serenity within my life and emotional instability. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust my emotions or what I am thinking at the moment. My thoughts zig and zag all over the place like one of those small orange rubber balls that once you throw are a pain to catch because you have no clue which way it will bounce back and then your climbing under the table to grab it but it has rolled to the other side of the room.
I am determined to concentrate on ME this year. Not in a SELFISH WAY but a SELF CARE way, of course I will care and love for my children and be the best I can be at work but everyone else in the world this year is being put on the back burner ( i.e. the rest of my family). Between therapy, Al-Anon, Nar Anon, ACOA, my co-dependency issues, being diagnosed with clinical depression and the last 35 years of my life and all its ups and down – I am losing my mind and DON’T trust my feelings or thoughts. I just want to find serenity – not happiness, not joy, not world peace. Just calmness with-in my soul where I am happy (content) with who I am and my life and not fixating on everyone else and their happiness/problems.
I wear my emotions on one sleeve and my demons on the other and in the process of trying to be me I suffocate my feelings/ thoughts/ emotions within my soul in order to make EVERYONE else in my world happy. “Don’t worry about me, I am F.I.N.E. ( f***ed up, insecure, neurotic and emotional)- This is why I call myself a Beautiful Disaster. I have a heart of gold, my intentions are pure and I love, care and give tremendously, I am hard working and believe strongly in "The Golden Rule". I try everyday to please everyone- because truly and sincerely YOUR (their) happiness MATTERS to me. Desperately trying to show the world I am a good person, desperately in search for some sort of acceptance or I should say validation. And yet all I experience, see and hear is what else I could have done or how I should have done it differently OR the feeling I am invisible. Ok now I am starting to sound narcissistic and feeling guilty for feeling this way because that is not how I want it sound…. UGGGGHHHH!!!
No one goes around and says point blank bad things about me, at least not to my face and yet I have this irrepressible belief that I am not good enough, in ANYTHING… the way I look, my weight, my mannerism, my thoughts, my opinions, my beliefs, etc. etc. etc. and then I seem to fixate on it – like a mad obsession, making myself sick both physically and mentally. And yet here I am making excuses for the people I love ( i.e their actions and attitudes and addictions)
Anyways I am rambling, back to my point. I don’t trust my feeling or thoughts!!! I desperately need to get better. There was a period of time where I was doing well – mentally and emotionally - my emotions did not overrule and manipulate my life and now I have spiraled out of control AGAIN. However I also have to admit I was not surrounded by addicts then either.
I am losing my mind and my body literally aches because of it. I cry and cry and cry and cry and cry because I am too ashamed, humiliated, sad, depressed, ANGRY, confused, RESENTFUL, frustrated and numb.
I know this is MY journey to take, I know I am a good person and special – I keep telling myself that, now I just need to BELIEVE it and let go of everyone else ISSUES.
Thank you for letting me ramble/vent.
However I am sooo frustrated and confused in working my steps in order to deal with my depression and obtaining serenity within my life and emotional instability. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust my emotions or what I am thinking at the moment. My thoughts zig and zag all over the place like one of those small orange rubber balls that once you throw are a pain to catch because you have no clue which way it will bounce back and then your climbing under the table to grab it but it has rolled to the other side of the room.
I am determined to concentrate on ME this year. Not in a SELFISH WAY but a SELF CARE way, of course I will care and love for my children and be the best I can be at work but everyone else in the world this year is being put on the back burner ( i.e. the rest of my family). Between therapy, Al-Anon, Nar Anon, ACOA, my co-dependency issues, being diagnosed with clinical depression and the last 35 years of my life and all its ups and down – I am losing my mind and DON’T trust my feelings or thoughts. I just want to find serenity – not happiness, not joy, not world peace. Just calmness with-in my soul where I am happy (content) with who I am and my life and not fixating on everyone else and their happiness/problems.
I wear my emotions on one sleeve and my demons on the other and in the process of trying to be me I suffocate my feelings/ thoughts/ emotions within my soul in order to make EVERYONE else in my world happy. “Don’t worry about me, I am F.I.N.E. ( f***ed up, insecure, neurotic and emotional)- This is why I call myself a Beautiful Disaster. I have a heart of gold, my intentions are pure and I love, care and give tremendously, I am hard working and believe strongly in "The Golden Rule". I try everyday to please everyone- because truly and sincerely YOUR (their) happiness MATTERS to me. Desperately trying to show the world I am a good person, desperately in search for some sort of acceptance or I should say validation. And yet all I experience, see and hear is what else I could have done or how I should have done it differently OR the feeling I am invisible. Ok now I am starting to sound narcissistic and feeling guilty for feeling this way because that is not how I want it sound…. UGGGGHHHH!!!
No one goes around and says point blank bad things about me, at least not to my face and yet I have this irrepressible belief that I am not good enough, in ANYTHING… the way I look, my weight, my mannerism, my thoughts, my opinions, my beliefs, etc. etc. etc. and then I seem to fixate on it – like a mad obsession, making myself sick both physically and mentally. And yet here I am making excuses for the people I love ( i.e their actions and attitudes and addictions)
Anyways I am rambling, back to my point. I don’t trust my feeling or thoughts!!! I desperately need to get better. There was a period of time where I was doing well – mentally and emotionally - my emotions did not overrule and manipulate my life and now I have spiraled out of control AGAIN. However I also have to admit I was not surrounded by addicts then either.
I am losing my mind and my body literally aches because of it. I cry and cry and cry and cry and cry because I am too ashamed, humiliated, sad, depressed, ANGRY, confused, RESENTFUL, frustrated and numb.
I know this is MY journey to take, I know I am a good person and special – I keep telling myself that, now I just need to BELIEVE it and let go of everyone else ISSUES.
Thank you for letting me ramble/vent.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Chatsworth CA
Posts: 44
[QUOTE=NYCDoglvr;2835748]
Sorry you're going through such a tough time. Just a few questions.
Are you a recovering alcoholic?
No I am not, however I am surrounded by addicts, my father, my mother, my step mother, and brother are all alcoholics, another brother smokes a lot of pot and three years ago I fell madly in love with a drug addict. And even though there are periods of sobriety with all of them, I have taken on the responsibility of being the “responsible one” and trying desperately to make EVERYONE happy.
Are you in therapy? What support groups do you have?
I have been in and out of therapy for the last twenty years. And even though I am not in therapy at the moment (had to change my insurance plan) I am attending NarAnon and CODA meeting, in addition I have SR and another online site that I am turn too.
Are you being treated for depression?
Not at this time, I did make a Dr appointment but as life goes when everything is crazy, they called to reschedule and moved the appointment to Feb. the other frustrating thing for me is last year I had to change my insurance from a PPO to HMO and I am scared when I see my primary Doctor for the first time he will then have to refer me to another Doctor, however I am going to try to remain strong and positive (again I use that word loosely) and just hope for the BEST. [/ QUOTE]
Thank you for replying to my post, it means a lot to me. I know I will get through this; what is hard is teaching myself the emotional life skills to "work it" rather then just get through it. I joke around with a few friends that I have learned a lot with years of therapy, support groups, books, etc, I know it - I think it - it is in my mind - yet somehow in the mist of my neurosis by the time it reaches my nose it all turns to mocos and I become this emotional mess again desperately trying to hang on to god knows what.
Anyways Thank you again; Have a great day
Sorry you're going through such a tough time. Just a few questions.
Are you a recovering alcoholic?
No I am not, however I am surrounded by addicts, my father, my mother, my step mother, and brother are all alcoholics, another brother smokes a lot of pot and three years ago I fell madly in love with a drug addict. And even though there are periods of sobriety with all of them, I have taken on the responsibility of being the “responsible one” and trying desperately to make EVERYONE happy.
Are you in therapy? What support groups do you have?
I have been in and out of therapy for the last twenty years. And even though I am not in therapy at the moment (had to change my insurance plan) I am attending NarAnon and CODA meeting, in addition I have SR and another online site that I am turn too.
Are you being treated for depression?
Not at this time, I did make a Dr appointment but as life goes when everything is crazy, they called to reschedule and moved the appointment to Feb. the other frustrating thing for me is last year I had to change my insurance from a PPO to HMO and I am scared when I see my primary Doctor for the first time he will then have to refer me to another Doctor, however I am going to try to remain strong and positive (again I use that word loosely) and just hope for the BEST. [/ QUOTE]
Thank you for replying to my post, it means a lot to me. I know I will get through this; what is hard is teaching myself the emotional life skills to "work it" rather then just get through it. I joke around with a few friends that I have learned a lot with years of therapy, support groups, books, etc, I know it - I think it - it is in my mind - yet somehow in the mist of my neurosis by the time it reaches my nose it all turns to mocos and I become this emotional mess again desperately trying to hang on to god knows what.
Anyways Thank you again; Have a great day
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm a recovering alcoholic (19 years) who also suffers from depression. Five years ago I had a complete breakdown and two amazing doctors restored me to sanity with the right drug cocktail. The holidays were very stressful this year, which brought the depression to the surface, but at least I know what to do ... call the doctor (he increased the meds a bit), get to a lot of AA meetings and call someone who is very supportive.
I'll tell you a bit about what I've personally learned about depression. At its heart it is distorted thinking and when I'm in it, I can't stop my negative thoughts. I don't necessarily feel depressed, but I sure think that way. It affects sleep and eating (I always loose weight and get insomnia.
What I suggest doing is trying to slow your mind down and keeping it in today as much as possible. Try not to project and only focus on getting through each day. And I suggest making sure you keep your doctor's appointment in February.
However, if you feel worse, pick up the phone and tell the doctor's office that it's an emergency and you must see him/her immediately.
A big hug....
Anne
I'll tell you a bit about what I've personally learned about depression. At its heart it is distorted thinking and when I'm in it, I can't stop my negative thoughts. I don't necessarily feel depressed, but I sure think that way. It affects sleep and eating (I always loose weight and get insomnia.
What I suggest doing is trying to slow your mind down and keeping it in today as much as possible. Try not to project and only focus on getting through each day. And I suggest making sure you keep your doctor's appointment in February.
However, if you feel worse, pick up the phone and tell the doctor's office that it's an emergency and you must see him/her immediately.
A big hug....
Anne
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