Shevrard

I am having some trouble in identifying my issues. I think I am an alcoholic because I typically drink every day. But it's my second choice. If I had access to opiates I wouldn't feel like drinking. Alcohol is second-best, it's a substitute. Opiates are hard to get and expensive (in my experience anyway, I don't know about others). I buy poppies from mail order craft shops and make tea out of them whenever I can afford it but it's expensive. I can only afford to do that once or twice a month. I have doctor shopped and taken unnecesarry trips to the ER for opiates in the past but it stressed me out way too much and wasn't worth it. So now, I just drink to satiate my desires. It's an acceptable substitute. I have always drank and drank to excess for 15+ years but would always take opiates over alcohol if given the choice. I know I am not physically addicted to opiates though.

I'm pretty confused right now...I don't know what's appropriate. AA? NA? Am I just an "addict" in general? Why does there need to be a distinction between which substance you prefer anyway?

FT

All of these substances are alike in that they are artificial ways to get your dopamine, which is a brain chemical that makes us feel good. Drugs stimulate that pathway, and so does alcohol.

Addicts are alike in that they have impaired their ability to make their own dopamine on their own. I remember a long time ago, a walk on the beach, being in love, doing something I really liked to do -- those things would make me happy and I would feel good.

Drugs re-create those feelings, and you can do it alone if you want. It's isolating. It's a bad way to feel good. It damages the neural pathways in your brain and you have to relearn them, make new ones, whatever. Recovery gives you a chance to do that.

You need guidance, and NA would be a good place for you. AA, too, but NA addresses broader, multiple kinds of addictions. You need a sponsor or significant other person who cares about your not using alcohol, or opiates, or other substances to feel good, even to just feel "normal" whatever that is for you. I don't think you can do it alone.

You are on the right path by coming here to these forums. It shows you realize you have a problem. Now take the next step, find a sponsor at NA, tell your wife, husband, or significant other the TRUTH about what you have done, what you are feeling, the desperation you now feel about where to turn.

Once you realize you are not alone, and can benefit from the experiences of others who have faced this challenge and come out the other side, you will start to recover.

You need to WANT to do this or it will not work. Are you ready?

Shevrard

My husband is very supportive and he is not a drug or alcohol user. I haven't been totally honest about the opiates though. I have kept that secret for years. I am open about the alcohol, and today is my 13th day without it and he is very supportive in that. I feel different about the opiates for some reason. I don't want the alcohol even though I have a hard time not drinking. I do want the opiates though. It's very frustrating. I feel like right now I am just abstaining from opiates due to circumstance. If I had extra money and access...well there is little question as to whether or not I would use them. I would.

Lushwell

There doesn't need to be. All that is important is that you want to quit. I'm a run-of-the-mill, garbage mouth, generic user of mood altering chemicals. The Pro's said I was chemically dependent. Kind of a catch all term. I was shanghia'd by the local AA members that were looking for a challenge. I whined about my "being diff'rnt cuz "I used drugs", and those old farts didn't.
I was humored for awhile, told that all that really didn't matter.

Some months later it was explained to me why they took me on, a drug and alcohol user / addict, while the group called themselves Alcoholics Anonymous.

When I could comprehend, it was explained to me that what was important wasn't so much what brought me to AA, my using and addiction, but rather, what we were doing in recovery.

Our common bond was, and is, recovery. Not what we used.

Who and what we are will get sorted out. What is important is to begin the process that ends the suffering. You've taken a giant step in that direction.

Shevrard

This totally sounds like me. I've even used cold medicine to get high when there was nothing else better available even though I don't particularly like the high it gives at all.

FT

Shevrard,

Your second post says it all: "If I had extra money and access...well there is little question as to whether or not I would use them. I would."

You are addicted to substances, including alcohol, opiates, whatever comes your way. You state flat out that you would use if given the opportunity. Until you are honest about your intentions to your husband, you will suffer your addiction covertly, in silence. Maybe someday you will realize the drugs are making you sick, not well. The "wellness" feeling you get is artificial. You don't seem to get it yet.

When you are ready, you will decide to recover. You have not decided to do that yet. I disagree with Lushwell. You have taken NO step at all. What giant step? I don't see it. With the exception that you are here, talking on this forum, there is something inside you telling you that your behavior is being controlled by irrational thoughts about a substance. I urge you to confide in your husband. Trust him enough that he loves you enough to help you. Every time you use covertly, you are lying to him, and eventually the lies will be so intertwined you won't know the truth anymore.

Sorry to sound harsh, but I've just been through this. It was only after I understood that I no longer wanted to rely on artificial substances to make me functional, I made the decision to STOP the insanity my life had become, seeking, seeking and seeking the drug to make me feel "normal". You've got to understand that these substances are HARMING you. Not helping you.

People here want to help you, but you need your husband on your side, where your lies won't work for you any more, where you can't use without being found out. Chances are, he already knows something is wrong. My husband did. I thank God I had the sense to STOP and come clean to him. And believe me, it was hard. There was a lot of anger at first, from him to me, but he now is my biggest support.

I urge you, think hard about what you are doing. Decide to stop doing this to yourself.

Shevrard

I know that everything you are saying is true. I just don't feel quite ready to tell him yet. But I do feel very close. I am being irrational about it though at the same time. I realize that. But yet I still feel not quite ready to come 100% clean. I feel so much better not drinking that I feel like that is my first baby step.

FT

Look, we have all been where you are -- at least those of us who have made the decision to stay clean.

The first step is not to be underestimated. Each step towards recovery can be counted as a success you can register as a return to rational thought. These substances really do alter your reasoning ability. You will hear people in recovery talk about "their addict" telling them what to do. It is not just a mental, or psychological process. There are brain chemicals involved here, especially dopamine and seratonin, that you are physically responding to a reduction of. Those are powerful brain chemicals, and your brain wants them any way it can get them. That's where the "addict brain" comes in. Your brain has become accustomed to the artificial stimulation of the dopamine pathway, and a certain amount of "damage" has already been done, and you are feeling the effects of that. Even though the damaged neuro tracts remain damaged (which is why addicts relapse to high levels of drug so quickly), your brain is capable of making new tracts, if you give it the chance to do that.

You will not feel very well for a time as your brain recovers from the damage you have caused it with chemicals, but THIS TOO SHALL PASS, and you WILL feel better if you only give yourself the chance.

When you tell your husband what you have done, he needs to understand that there is much, much more than willpower involved here. There is a physical addiction along with the psychological piece. He needs to understand that you need time to feel better. If he understands that you might feel sick and unwell for awhile, he will understand why you are not behaving "normally." You will regain your equilibrium and a "new normal" that will be better than the "drug/alcohol normal."

You are not in this as deep as a lot of the people on this forum have been, but that doesn't matter. The mechanism is the same. It will get harder, not easier, to stop this lying. Stop it now. I care about you, and so do others. Seek out this forum. Keep reading, and keep posting. It really does help, I promise you.

Shevrard

You know what's the worst feeling, is I keep telling myself I will only do it "one more time". I know you're right. I have to fully commit to staying sober. Not just half-commit. I feel good that I have not been drinking but the possibility of using opiates still is looming over me like a dark cloud and I know I will never be sucessful until I go all-in.

dreamscape

I'd say you are an addict. Quitting booze only (baby steps) is a clever way to justify drug use. After all, look at your achievement!

Thing is, instead of being an alcoholic/addict now your an addict, but an addict just the same.
"Opiates only" type thinking, will take you to the grave.

Shevrard

Yes, I know you are right! I didn't even consider that. Wow. That is sneaky. I didn't even realize that I was thinking that but I totally was...

SquareHead

I was the ***hole that quit drinking a few years ago & then had my friends congratulate me as I was doing coke and oxy's. What an achievement for me. I had to get real & surrender to my addiction.

Shevrard

This is not what I want. I know what I have to do. I have an addiction counseling appointment in about 2 weeks and I keep thinking, "I'll just do it one more time before then". Like that makes any sense? It doesn't. I am stuck in this circular logic. It's driving me insane. Even though I am not drinking or doing anything else at the moment the thoughts in my head make me feel like a total fraud.

dreamscape

careful.........there was a young lady on SR who wanted to try it one more time, sadly she died in her addiction (opiates)