Emotional Detachment In Relationships?

Old 01-13-2011, 09:27 PM
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Emotional Detachment In Relationships?

So I have a question, I'm not in any sort of relationship right now, but in my past few I've just noticed a pattern in my own behavior and I'm wondering if it has anything to do with how I was affected growing up with my addicted father.

Whenever I have a girlfriend it never has been a lasting relationship simply because I get annoyed by their seemingly clingy behavior. But over time I have found that they're really not being clingy at all, they're acting like a normal person in a relationship, I'M the one that's withdrawn and not the "normal" one. It always bothered me when they depended on me for affection or constantly texted me or called me because they wanted to just talk to me. I've always been sort of a loner and being the child of an addict, I grew up having to depend on myself completely for everything, that includes things like affection and approval, I didn't ever get that from my dad or my mom really, not during my "formative" years. I'm fairly socially withdrawn though I'm getting better, so I think I'm just lacking some social skills in that area... So when a girl depends on me for those things, I guess my initial thought is, "Why can't you do this yourself? I did." Is anybody familiar with this? If so, how do you begin to reprogram yourself to be able to not feel like you're being suffocated and have a normal human response? (I'm still quite young and not too worried about it but just want some info for future reference)

Thanks
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Old 01-13-2011, 10:06 PM
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(((Jay))) - I was always the clingy one...totally, 100% codie. However, since I've been in recovery, I've noticed I feel similar feelings. I'm not in a relationship, but when someone gets too close (IRL), I back off. I don't know if I'm afraid of being hurt, again, or if I'm feeling smothered (or a combination of both).

I don't have any answers. You ARE independent, I'm trying to get back to being that way, but just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy
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Old 01-13-2011, 10:15 PM
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Be honest with the people around you about what you want, specifically, in a relationship. If you want them to call you once a day and talk for 20 minutes, than tell them so. Think about what makes you happy. Think about the actions they can take or avoid to give you the happiness they mistakenly think they are giving you by their acting "normal". Ask them what you can do, specifically to make them happy. Compromise. Infuse those situations where you are feeling smothered with humor instead of rebuffing the person in a rough way. If you can, try to think that when people are treating you in a smothering way, just translate that in your brain to mean "they love me and are trying to show it". Letting people know what you want and need makes it much easier for them to give it to you.
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Old 01-15-2011, 06:38 AM
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Yes, I can relate. I'm an absolute loner. If someone calls me every other hour it drives me crazy.

I don't know what to say except I've accepted myself as I am.

L
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Old 01-15-2011, 07:50 AM
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WARNING: Armchair psychology to follow!

Long ago, a therapist once described to me what happens in households similar to ours ("ours" meaning yours and mine and whoever else is reading this who can identify).

It goes something like this: you seek affection/attention/emotional connection of some sort. You are consistently disappointed because you don't get what you need (emotional connection is a human need, honest). So as you are growing up, you learn to put a lead blanket over all your emotions - that way you can't be hurt. Nobody can get to your emotions under that lead blanket.

Now you have a girlfriend (or platonic friend for that matter) and they want contact. They want to connect with you. But that means you have to lift up your lead blanket and let some of your emotions escape. And that, quite frankly, is terrifying. So you tamp that blanket down harder, and your friend tries harder to burrow under the blanket. This goes on until one of the two of you finally snaps and the relationship ends.

As for how to gently and safely remove said blanket - that's a much more difficult thing to do. You could start by challenging yourself to find one thing (thing, not person) that you like and admitting to yourself that you truly like it. Or seeking out things you enjoy and that would make you feel happy if you could let a little happy out of your lead blanket. Start with things first. Move on to people after you get to where you can enjoy or dislike something openly and honestly (truly enjoy, not hide in, not run away from, but be at peace with your emotions).

I would very highly recommend finding a professional to help you out here. I was you when I was younger. I promise there is a whole world full of amazing things out there to enjoy, including the connections with others.
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Old 01-15-2011, 09:16 PM
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Thanks Ginger. That really helped actually... I haven't heard it explained like that. I am currently in therapy, but I have yet to bring this up as I have been focused on other things...

@ Kilt - The problem with that idea is I feel like I would just be pushing that person away and that wouldn't suit their OWN needs... you know what I'm saying? I feel like if I tell them, "You know what, we just need to talk less cause I feel smothered" that I'd hurt their feelings and they'd feel like I didn't want to be their friend, even though that's not the case at all. I feel like I have to tread carefully, ESPECIALLY when it comes to girlfriends.
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Old 01-15-2011, 09:54 PM
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I've been on both ends of this lol i've been the suffocated one and i've been the clingy one and they both suck. i really only have one piece of advice for you:

Originally Posted by SpeedyJason View Post
how do you begin to reprogram yourself
I don't think you should have to "reprogram" yourself for something like this, this is your personality and how you feel. Find someone that understands that you need your space and to respect that (some affection towards your lover is also not a bad idea haha)
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Old 01-16-2011, 02:33 PM
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Originally Posted by jds0401 View Post
I hardly ever feel like just talking.
THANK YOU. That's exactly how I feel day to day. I hate feeling lonely but it's just like I don't know how to interact with people or something cause talking just isn't my thing.
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Old 01-21-2011, 09:24 PM
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Originally Posted by jds0401 View Post
Sometimes (oh who am I kidding a lot of times) I find talking exhausting. Especially with this one friend who likes to unload all her emotions on me....eek...I like her but arggh, it's just too much sometimes.
I actually recently broke a friendship with someone because I couldn't handle that... I had repeatedly told her that she brings out a lot of my codependecy issues, such as my need to "fix" things, and that sometimes she just needs to find someone else to dump on (which makes it sound like I'm being a terrible friend but it's something I need to happen). She ignored what I said so I told her that I couldn't be friends with her anymore. She was a great person, I just couldn't handle it. I don't do well in relationships like that, but I'm wondering if that ALL relationships where you are romantically involved are going to be like that... I have a feeling they are and that does not bode well for me. I mean, if they aren't, then its just called "dysfunctional" so I don't know what to think really.
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Old 01-22-2011, 08:18 AM
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I don't think you should have to "reprogram" yourself for something like this, this is your personality and how you feel.
I agree with this, in part. But only in part. If this issue is bothering YOU, if YOU don't like your behavior and want to change it (which, to me, sitting on this side of the pixels, it seems like you do, or you wouldn't have written a post about it), then you do need to figure out how to change it.

The qualifier here is "Are you happy with your behavior?" If the answer is "No, but I don't know how to change it," then seeking out either a therapist or a group somewhere (AlAnon or ACA) where people can help you change it will make you a happier person.

If the answer is "I'm happy with my behavior AND I'm fine with the consequences of my behavior and I have no desire to change it," then the above quote about accepting who you are holds true.

During the 1970s, a book came out called "I'm OK, You're OK." What a load of rubbish. The idea was that if everyone just accepted who they were, the world would be a wonderful place. Well, many/most alcoholics are perfectly fine with who they are, their behaviors and the consequences of their behaviors, but I would posit that it is a far cry from being "OK". The longer term problem of this book is that our culture developed this idea that we should all just accept who we are and not try to change ourselves.

Speaking as someone who's been in therapy many years now? I call BS. I was not okay with who I was. I hated some of my behaviors. I hated the way I treated people. I hated the way people treated me. And I couldn't figure out how to change it - until I went into weekly therapy for multiple years running. Now? I'm Ok with who I am most of the time, I'm OK with my behaviors most of the time, and I'm OK with how I treat others most of the time. The rest of the time? Well, that's why I'm still in therapy
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Old 01-22-2011, 08:27 AM
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Thank you for this thread.

For me I had to learn that it is fine (normal?) to establish boundaries in a relationship. A relationship that is healthy is give and take.

I think knowing that sometimes I need space is healthy. I think that as a child I learned from my parents about toxic love. Their relationship was unhealthy. My dad takes hostages. After he became sober and Mom went to Al-Anon, I think she began to learn about boundaries. A person who does not respect boundaries could be termed a bully/abuser.

Setting limits is healthy. I have heard it referred to as staying inside your own hoola hoop. As adult children we have seen both parties (classic alcoholic/codependent) walk all over not only our boundaries but those of others, so some of us made the assumption that limits or boundaries are "bad" or not allowed.

Healthy people in healthy relationships know that their boundaries are acceptable. They know that they are entitled to set limits. They have this healthy behavior modeled to them instead of the very unhealthy enmeshment/hostage taking.

I know when I first began to set boundaries with my dad, he told me he was not going to speak to me again. I was finally ready to take that risk. Setting boundaries is risky because sometimes we lose a relationship. It was emotional blackmail, and when I called my dad on it, he didn't follow through with the not talking, but I was willing to try something different.

I still have such trouble setting boundaries, and I'm learning. Thank you for letting me share and for this topic. I have so much trouble with relationships of any kind.
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Old 01-23-2011, 02:12 PM
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I do not know if this will help out or not...but here goes.

All of the previous responses point to one thing...you have to know yourself first and LOVE yourself first before you can begin to love someone else. Specifically when it deals with having intimate and emotional relationships. It sounds like SpeedyJason may know some of these things...but maybe it has to do with more than your background and trying to understand what is and is not normal in a relationship. Getting to know whether you are more of an extroverted or an introverted personality could make a big difference. Or...maybe it is hard to listen to others because you have to deal with some inner pain yet from growing up...friends could be triggering these issues too without you consciously realizing it. It could be a bunch of things, but these were a couple of things that popped up in my mind that I have dealt with personally when dealing with similar issues. I completely agree with GingerM...you have to figure out what you want to do with this part of yourself...and possibly dig deeper to figure out if this behavior is masking something else that needs to be healed....also similar to GingerM's blanket theory. I can sympathize with you in similar situations when I just didn't know what was normal in a relationship...because all I ever saw was dysfunctional at home or the Cosby show on tv...neither normal . So...I had to look within, figure out who I am, what makes me happy, and be okay with it in any situation. Normal or not normal...either way it is me and I am okay with it.
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Old 01-24-2011, 01:08 PM
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That sounds hard. Lol.

I don't know, I guess I like to think I'm okay with myself but maybe not? I just feel like if I say "Okay, I'm perfectly okay with myself and there is no legitimate reason for me to change for anyone else" is kinda like... stubborn. In a relationship you have to make compromises and if you're not willing to do that, they end. I just feel like no one would ever want to be in a relationship where one person isn't ready to take on another person's stuff and isn't really available emotionally for that person, hell I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a person like that. And I think that's me...but I have NO IDEA how you start morphing into something you actually like. From what I have been told, a relationship is based on trust in the other person and communication, I am inadequate in both of those areas which makes it kind of difficult. And no matter how much I want to be able to do both those things and feel COMFORTABLE doing so, I can't. So I guess the ultimate question is, how do you begin this process of "loving yourself" or making changes in order to love yourself?
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Old 01-24-2011, 01:51 PM
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SpeedyJason...it seems to me that you have to explore why you don't trust and reconcile those feelings. I think codependents and ACOA need to step outside of the alcoholic tornado and see who we are. I mean who we really are. I only know myself in the tornado. I don't know myself in "calm" weather. So, I need to figure that out. I am going to therapy and reconciling all of the old crap I have been carrying around with me forever. I am going to get away from people that are alcoholics and work on my codependency. That's it for now! I haven't gotten any further. Is it going to be hard? Absolutely. Will it be worth it? Definitely.
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Old 01-24-2011, 03:02 PM
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For me it was the help I discovered by working the steps that helped me. In the second step I learned that I could be restored to sanity. In the third step I turned my will and life over to HP.A word that helped me with this was surrender. It is so hard to give up the illusion of control.

I knew that I couldn't do it on my own. I didn't have the tools, so I needed lots of help. Once I started surrendering my (little)stuff, and "talking to HP" (praying), HP would sometimes drop an idea into my spirit for how to do things differently.Listening to HP is hard too because the static needs to be quieted (meditation).

Progress not perfection! This isn't something that will be right away or instant. It really does take practice to learn new habits. Just like when one learns to play a musical instrument, we need to start at the beginning and move forward. Hopefully we have not learned any bad habits that we need to unlearn.

I think it might be helpful to be honest with the person that you're in a relationship with.I got into trouble just going with the flow many times. I had to learn that I have a right to say no.

I hope this helps. I'm so grateful for young men like you who are open to trying to do relationships differently. I admire you for asking for help. I just didn't know how way back when.

I hope something in this helps. Please know that you're not alone.
(((((hugs)))))
Thanks for letting me share.
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Old 01-24-2011, 09:57 PM
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Codie, I have been working on my issues for years and I have learned to "capture" those moments when I manage to feel peaceful, calm, and whole. I try to hold onto those moments to give myself a memory that it can exist, and what I feel like when it happens. Those are the things I work towards, because in those moments I find me. And in those moments I also find that my inability to connect with people completely dissapates. Life isn't perfect and living in that bliss can't always happen, but I do hope to have as many of those moments as possible and bring as many of those moments into my bad times.

Only in those times do I feel like me and love me, and there I no longer need to detach. I absolutely agree that it starts with loving and accepting yourself.
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Old 03-04-2011, 11:32 PM
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Speedy...Hey you, glad to see your still hanging around these parts lol I know I changed my screen name AGAIN..I cant remember my passwords very well lol (vividserenity, Brae) I hope youre well I just thought I would say hello! HELLO! Pffft and I couldnt post on your wall er whatever because I dont have 25 posts...sigh very strange rules lol
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Old 03-05-2011, 07:36 AM
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but I have NO IDEA how you start morphing into something you actually like
The idea is not to "morph" yourself. The idea is to *find* yourself - the real you, the you that's buried beneath layers and layers of no-longer-needed survival skills. Those skills that helped you survive your childhood without going insane? They don't work outside of toxic relationships.

So now you're presented with two choices:

1. Continue to get involved in toxic relationships where the skills you already possess will continue to work (not a good path, IMO)

2. Work on finding what lies underneath all those protective mechanisms so you can be involved in healthy relationships.

It isn't that you're changing into something you aren't. What you are is already inside you. Your task is to find it.
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