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Join Date: Jan 2011
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I grew up in a house with two very high functioning alcoholic parents. In fact outside two very close friends no one believes that my parents are destructive. I was abused by my mother, everytime she lashed out it was during a moment of despair for her so I often felt at fault. My mother shares many of her wonderful traits with me and for that I'm thankful, I have learned to release a lot of anger since I was a kid but the damage they created in me still lingers. My mother loved me very much but her love was often overshadowed by her own regret and shame at seeing me create a life she always "wished" she could have.
My father was a wonderful provider and gave us every ounce of money we could ever need. I didn't grow up spoiled I have worked for all that I own. However while he cared he often placed me on the back burner as a reward to my success and independence.
In recent years I found a group of friends who frequented bars quite a bit, I held a good rule of no drinking and driving and stayed responsible, these friends made me realize I was completely afraid of physical contact and had a hard time believing anyone would care. I now find myself capable of accepting physical contact without freaking out but am still completely incapable of initiating it.
Now several years later I woke up to realize that by getting away from my parents I have made my life very similar, I was spending 6-7 nights with my friends at the same bar my parents frequented while I was younger, and recently began to feel guilty with every drink.
In the last couple weeks I have been able to release that guilt as I have stepped back and analyzed whether I was drinking from a need or want, I feel fully confident that luckily one of the traits I did not inherit from my parents was their dependency on alcohol. But I did inherit their trait to believe that that lifestyle and the people there are what life is about. I could never drink another drink and continue with those friends and it wouldn't change. Or I could change where I am and drink whenever I wanted and my life would change dramatically.
Those people are my friends and have been wonderful confidants but at the end of the day they are bar friends. We don't go for lunch, we aren't content hanging out for hours without alchohol. In the recent weeks as I have attempted to change my lifestyle I have hoped to bring their friendship with me, but their inability to commiserate outside the bar has brought a realistic but painful reality to the front, they are simply bar friends.
Since then I have grown up to be a very successful adult financially, but I haven't had a relationship longer than a couple months, and my attempts at friendships are just as shotty. I have recently been blessed by a friend who has been patient and painfully eye opening for me, and not a bar friend.
As an adult I find I have a ridiculously short temper, which always destroys me when I can't control it. I am incapable of approaching confrontation. Any remark in the negative towards me, a thought, or an action of mine immediately leaves me in complete despair. I have only found the ability to keep eye contact with that one friend, I joke and tell everyone else it's my massive a.d.d. I have also found I can't live in a world of grey, I must always have an answer and an explanation or I live in perpetual obsession and agony until I find something to rest on. I'm just beginning this path and trying to figure out how to start.
I don't intend to improve overnight, I did however see a lot of similar stories on here, and felt inclined to share mine hoping that in knowing there are others and getting some advice I could start to release my anger and learn how to open up my heart to life, love, and the wonder of uncertainty.
My father was a wonderful provider and gave us every ounce of money we could ever need. I didn't grow up spoiled I have worked for all that I own. However while he cared he often placed me on the back burner as a reward to my success and independence.
In recent years I found a group of friends who frequented bars quite a bit, I held a good rule of no drinking and driving and stayed responsible, these friends made me realize I was completely afraid of physical contact and had a hard time believing anyone would care. I now find myself capable of accepting physical contact without freaking out but am still completely incapable of initiating it.
Now several years later I woke up to realize that by getting away from my parents I have made my life very similar, I was spending 6-7 nights with my friends at the same bar my parents frequented while I was younger, and recently began to feel guilty with every drink.
In the last couple weeks I have been able to release that guilt as I have stepped back and analyzed whether I was drinking from a need or want, I feel fully confident that luckily one of the traits I did not inherit from my parents was their dependency on alcohol. But I did inherit their trait to believe that that lifestyle and the people there are what life is about. I could never drink another drink and continue with those friends and it wouldn't change. Or I could change where I am and drink whenever I wanted and my life would change dramatically.
Those people are my friends and have been wonderful confidants but at the end of the day they are bar friends. We don't go for lunch, we aren't content hanging out for hours without alchohol. In the recent weeks as I have attempted to change my lifestyle I have hoped to bring their friendship with me, but their inability to commiserate outside the bar has brought a realistic but painful reality to the front, they are simply bar friends.
Since then I have grown up to be a very successful adult financially, but I haven't had a relationship longer than a couple months, and my attempts at friendships are just as shotty. I have recently been blessed by a friend who has been patient and painfully eye opening for me, and not a bar friend.
As an adult I find I have a ridiculously short temper, which always destroys me when I can't control it. I am incapable of approaching confrontation. Any remark in the negative towards me, a thought, or an action of mine immediately leaves me in complete despair. I have only found the ability to keep eye contact with that one friend, I joke and tell everyone else it's my massive a.d.d. I have also found I can't live in a world of grey, I must always have an answer and an explanation or I live in perpetual obsession and agony until I find something to rest on. I'm just beginning this path and trying to figure out how to start.
I don't intend to improve overnight, I did however see a lot of similar stories on here, and felt inclined to share mine hoping that in knowing there are others and getting some advice I could start to release my anger and learn how to open up my heart to life, love, and the wonder of uncertainty.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Welcome!
Interesting story!!! I'm not sure I see the problem? Maybe I should read again. You're not an alcoholic but the only friends are at the after work bar. Would you mind hanging out with them and just NOT drink yourself? Is it possible?
As far as learning how to have a successful relationship and how to deal with people at workplace and elsewhere is a life long journey. You learn these things as you get older.
I often say to myself, I wish I knew 20 yrs ago, what I know today. But hey, it didn't happen. I'm still very grateful for my experiences in life, all the choices, and how I am now as a result.
WELCOME and
Best wishes to you!
Interesting story!!! I'm not sure I see the problem? Maybe I should read again. You're not an alcoholic but the only friends are at the after work bar. Would you mind hanging out with them and just NOT drink yourself? Is it possible?
As far as learning how to have a successful relationship and how to deal with people at workplace and elsewhere is a life long journey. You learn these things as you get older.
I often say to myself, I wish I knew 20 yrs ago, what I know today. But hey, it didn't happen. I'm still very grateful for my experiences in life, all the choices, and how I am now as a result.
WELCOME and
Best wishes to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
I frequently hang out with my friends and dont drink at the bar, if I do drink it's perfectly normal to have 1 or two and then switch to water or a pop. I only wish to have a life more seperate from the bar, and it can sometimes be upsetting, because for me if a friend wanted to hang out somewhere different I wouldn't hesitate many of my friends do.
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