clockworkblack

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who reads this, sorry it's so long! My mother has been an addict as long as I can remember.
It's a very long story what happened, but basically I've been sick for nearly my whole life and therefore had to spend almost all of my time in my home. I was overmedicated for 10 years of my childhood and became chronically ill from that afterwards. My mother was my best friend and enabler while I was drugged up and we used to share our pill addictions on and off. I've been clean of all that for a long time, but she became very upset when I tried to change our relationship away from that.
My anger towards my mother cannot be measured. My illness has gotten better, but now my rage towards her is to the point I'm so severely depressed all the time. I am so lonely it hurts so bad. I really wish I had a companion who loved me so bad, I've never really had one. I feel so worthless sometimes and all I can think about is getting away from her.
My family begs me to forgive her. I don't know why, but I just can't find a reason to; I've lost everything and I continue to lose every day because of her. I'm so detached from everything that nothing seems real, nor do I feel anything towards her. My emotions have become so numbed it's hard for me to figure out what people are thinking. Has anyone else experience these kinds of feelings towards an addict... and overcome it?
I'd love to help my family and forgive her, (they says by forgiving her we can help her into recovery or something) but if she is still lying, refusing to go into recovery or accept responsibility of any kind (she's a dry drunk now, but she's still acting so selfish and is terribly irrational at times) and still takes methadone, anti depressants and tranquilizers and doesn't believe she has a problem on that because she "cut down" and quit drinking (which I have a hard time believing as she drank in front of me as a child) that now she is fine and we are the ones with the problems. It's so hard for me to forgive all that and pretend everything's ok. I feel like she stole my life away because she wanted a best friend instead of a daughter. How can I forgive her, until she's sorry for putting her own needs ahead of mines? She has lied so much and still does it's impossible for me to believe anything she says.
I really appreciate opinions of all kinds. I'm trying so hard to keep an open mind but I'm not very good at it at all... but I'm not gonna give up on that. Thanks, y'all :]

tromboneliness

Let me throw this one at ya, courtesy of my favorite program speaker/chaplain:

"Forgiveness is giving up hope for a better past."

That's all it is. Forgiveness doesn't mean "it's all good," nor does it mean "everything you've done is OK, hunky-dory, and copacetic." It also doesn't mean you're going to accept unacceptable behavior, refrain from setting boundaries, or let someone who's a complete ******* walk all over you. It just means accepting that there's no way to hit Ctrl/Z and undo things that have already happened. So we proceed from here -- and set boundaries, refuse to accept unacceptable behavior, and do the other useful things the Program™ teaches us to do.

While we're at it, another of his favorite slogans goes like this:

"Holding onto resentments is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

That one's pretty self-explanatory.

Good luck!

T

clockworkblack

I've never heard anyone describe forgiveness like that, but it's a much better picture than the way my family does. Still, telling my mother I forgive her would only encourage her like it has in the past.
She feeds on stuff like this, and uses it to pretend everything's ok. But perhaps I can just learn to forgive her quietly without telling her.
The second quote describes exactly how I feel... it was very good to see this from another person's perspective who is not biased in the family. Thank you very much, I appreciate it! :]

Wascally Wabbit

Forgiveness is necessary to healing.
My mother was a raging alcoholic and the cruelest type too. I walked away from her at 17 and did not reunite till I was in my 40's.
I forgave her. I had to realize and accept the fact that I will never have the mother I long for. I find love from friends and other family.
I hope your pain eases and you can find some peace. Just don't believe you're worthless because you aren't. That's a lie of addiction.

wicked

I hope this helps you as it did me.
Forgiveness is for the one who gives it, not the recipient.
She need not know you forgive her and you will detach with love and no strings.
I am deeply sorry for your pain, and I hope you will find some peace.

Beth

PS
Tromboneliness
i knew about the poison one, and I love that one too.
i just heard that one about hoping for a better past.
wow. really. wow.
if i can stop waiting for the impossible, (changing my past) then i can move one from here.

thank you.

Beth

tromboneliness

That's a great one, isn't it? He's full of those slogans -- they come in handy all the time. Just to "out" who it is I stole them from, they're from John MacDougall, the chaplain at Hazelden. Here's another one of his greatest hits:

God doesn't work well under supervision -- Hazelden

I like the idea of "forgiving" someone quietly, without actually stating, "I forgive you." Most of the people we need to "forgive" would have no idea what we were talking about, if we came out and said it. My late father, for instance -- I'm sure you guys remember how I complained about him while he was still living; I had a lot of anger about our relationship. But he'd have had absolutely no idea that he needed to be forgiven for anything -- because he was a Superior Form of Life. What's to forgive?

So we don't have to do it out loud -- we just change the thinking on our side of the fence, so we're no longer clinging to that "hope for a better past." (Am I there yet, with my Dad? Heck no -- I'm just talking about what we try to do -- progress not perfection, blah-blah, insert your favorite homily....)

Yesterday, I was at a meeting that talked a lot about setting boundaries, and one guy said he liked to tell people, up front, that if they did X, he was going to do Y -- thereby explicitly setting a boundary.

Well, that may be one way of doing it -- but you don't have to say anything to set a boundary; all you have to do is behave in a certain way, i.e., enforce the boundary by action. You don't have to come out and say, "Attention Please! I am now going to set a boundary. When you demand that I drop what I'm doing and come bail you out, I am not going to do it. There! I have now set a boundary. This concludes this announcement." Same with forgiveness -- you don't have to say "I am forgiving all the stupid sh*t you have done in the past." All you have to do is stop hoping the past will change! (Not that it's easy to do that....)

T

escape artist

i believe it is fair to those you are setting your boundary with to at least inform them, esp. when they have been doing for so long one way and might not have had any idea that you were not ok with their behavior (or yours in the way you reacted to it). So for me i do let them know that my expectations have changed on my part and this is what i will not accept any longer. the hard part might be holding the boundary though.....but it is progress not perfection

tromboneliness

Ya, I hear what you're saying -- but hey, who said life was fair?

With my Dad, I never said anything about boundaries, acceptable behavior, what I was and was not going to do, or any of that. He simply would not have gotten it. All it would have done is set him off. I just decided, screw it, I'm not putting up with his sh*t anymore, and kept it to myself. I started not answering the phone (except every 3rd or 4th call), not coming by as often, and just generally not being on the short leash anymore. His enforcement capability had essentially dropped to zero (the only mechanism left would have been to take me out of his will, and I knew he wouldn't do that), so Light Dawned on Marblehead and I realized I could cut the cord.

What I'm hearing is "it would be unfair of me to set an expectation for someone else's behavior and not tell them about it beforehand." I understand where you're coming from -- but the fact that you accepted the behavior in the past does not mean that it was acceptable -- and you are under no obligation to say "I've changed my mind -- I will no longer put up with this." Just go ahead and stop, if you want!

T