New to the site. I need advice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 3
New to the site. I need advice.
Hello Everyone,
My name is Jason, i am 22 years old, and i am new to the site. I am posting in hopes to get a bit of advice. a little bit of background. I am the child of addict. My father died of an overdose when i was 6 years old. Since then i have grown up and matured pretty quickly and have had no personal run ins with addiction myself. I have seen what addiction looks like and what it does to a family. With that said, here is why i need advice.
I met a girl a year and a half ago. She is a smart, funny, beautiful girl with the world at her fingertips. Though this is the case, when i met her she had been using heroine for seven months. Coming from a family of alcoholics and drug addicts, i did not want to write her off or judge her for her problem, though i did not know how serious it was. As our relationship slowly started to progress she revealed her problem to me. She confessed that for some reason she never wanted to be high around me and that i was the only person who made her want to be sober without even asking her to quit. For that reason she kicked the habit by herself (or so i thought). We got very serious and engaged in a long distance relationship (i go to school four hours from her).
A few months into out relationship i came home from school and found out that she had been lying to me about using. I was distraught as i have seen one of my loved ones die from such an addiction. I told her i would be there to support her and she once again told me she could kick it herself due to the fact that she was not a completely habitual user. i believed her and this happened two more times. The third time this happened (about a month ago) i finally broke it off because i could no longer tolerate the stress it created in our relationship, and the lies. though her family knew about her past they did not know she had been using presently.
I decided the right thing to do was let her family know of the problem so she could no longer hide it, and possibly start a road to recovery. She has since been a month clean, started NA meetings, is on a suboxone program, and has removed herself from everyone and everything associated with that lifestyle (though i have had to guide her some of the way). She now wants to get back together. I am torn between love and logic. I love the girl very much and wants whats best for her, whether that be with or without me. Things are so early on in the recovery that i am skeptical about the coming future.
I want very much to be with her but have been hurt by her so many times. I am afraid she is only doing this for everyone else and i do not want to inhibit her recovery by getting back together with her, but i also do not want to miss out on something that i know could be great if she is finally being truthful. So love tells me to accept her back and logic tells me that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If the latter is the case i would be risking my future, as i am very serious about her (marriage, kids, family, etc.) Will a relationship hinder her recovery? Or can I be a positive influence on it? I need advice.
My name is Jason, i am 22 years old, and i am new to the site. I am posting in hopes to get a bit of advice. a little bit of background. I am the child of addict. My father died of an overdose when i was 6 years old. Since then i have grown up and matured pretty quickly and have had no personal run ins with addiction myself. I have seen what addiction looks like and what it does to a family. With that said, here is why i need advice.
I met a girl a year and a half ago. She is a smart, funny, beautiful girl with the world at her fingertips. Though this is the case, when i met her she had been using heroine for seven months. Coming from a family of alcoholics and drug addicts, i did not want to write her off or judge her for her problem, though i did not know how serious it was. As our relationship slowly started to progress she revealed her problem to me. She confessed that for some reason she never wanted to be high around me and that i was the only person who made her want to be sober without even asking her to quit. For that reason she kicked the habit by herself (or so i thought). We got very serious and engaged in a long distance relationship (i go to school four hours from her).
A few months into out relationship i came home from school and found out that she had been lying to me about using. I was distraught as i have seen one of my loved ones die from such an addiction. I told her i would be there to support her and she once again told me she could kick it herself due to the fact that she was not a completely habitual user. i believed her and this happened two more times. The third time this happened (about a month ago) i finally broke it off because i could no longer tolerate the stress it created in our relationship, and the lies. though her family knew about her past they did not know she had been using presently.
I decided the right thing to do was let her family know of the problem so she could no longer hide it, and possibly start a road to recovery. She has since been a month clean, started NA meetings, is on a suboxone program, and has removed herself from everyone and everything associated with that lifestyle (though i have had to guide her some of the way). She now wants to get back together. I am torn between love and logic. I love the girl very much and wants whats best for her, whether that be with or without me. Things are so early on in the recovery that i am skeptical about the coming future.
I want very much to be with her but have been hurt by her so many times. I am afraid she is only doing this for everyone else and i do not want to inhibit her recovery by getting back together with her, but i also do not want to miss out on something that i know could be great if she is finally being truthful. So love tells me to accept her back and logic tells me that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If the latter is the case i would be risking my future, as i am very serious about her (marriage, kids, family, etc.) Will a relationship hinder her recovery? Or can I be a positive influence on it? I need advice.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi Jason. 
. You are right, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
What stands out for me about your post is that, like me (an ACOA), you seem to have chosen a person who has the same problem as your parent. It took me until I was 29 and devastated by my relationship with an alcoholic addicted to crack, that there was a lesson about myself I needed to learn. And by the grace of God, I found AlAnon to show me my lesson.
You are so young and have so much yet to learn about yourself. And to me, this young woman has come into your life to show you yourself. But people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. It is up to us to decide which that will be. I assure you that heroin addicts do not make good spouses or parents, and so I urge you to choose either "reason" or "season." Please check out AlAnon. And focus your energies on your self, your wants and dreams and your abilities.
I have known many addicts and alcoholics who have td me the same, that I am their reason for getting clean or sober. They may have believed it, but honestly I know that is just the drama, desperation and codependence talking. You cannot heal another person.
Please check out the book. "Codependent No More."
. You are right, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. What stands out for me about your post is that, like me (an ACOA), you seem to have chosen a person who has the same problem as your parent. It took me until I was 29 and devastated by my relationship with an alcoholic addicted to crack, that there was a lesson about myself I needed to learn. And by the grace of God, I found AlAnon to show me my lesson.
You are so young and have so much yet to learn about yourself. And to me, this young woman has come into your life to show you yourself. But people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. It is up to us to decide which that will be. I assure you that heroin addicts do not make good spouses or parents, and so I urge you to choose either "reason" or "season." Please check out AlAnon. And focus your energies on your self, your wants and dreams and your abilities.
I have known many addicts and alcoholics who have td me the same, that I am their reason for getting clean or sober. They may have believed it, but honestly I know that is just the drama, desperation and codependence talking. You cannot heal another person.
Please check out the book. "Codependent No More."
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
Jason, well the first thing you're going to have to change is your name. Sorry! but I've got this thing against the name Jason. I've known one Jason in my lifetime. Under the influence of drugs he beat up my daughter when she was nine months pregnant and almost caused the death of my, yet to be born grandson, (he's now 19 years old, 6'3")......BUT he's NOT SMART enough to be asking for advice!
I think you are quite aware of so many possibilities and risks here - good for you! Your recovering girlfriend will need people she can depend on, and it seems you realize that you don’t want to interfere or throw something off. In all reality, your feelings for each other are secondary to her getting on a good track.
Addiction recovery is fraught with its own problems. Many addiction recovery programs prohibit dating during the recovery period, because so much work is needed to recover from the addiction. Your girlfriend will need to learn how to live life without the constant companion of her addiction. She will need to fight back the cravings for substance of her addiction while putting the pieces of her life together.
Addiction always comes with a vast feeling of emptiness. Lack of purpose, lack of understanding her own feelings, lack of confidence, lack of feeling acceptance from others, lack of something to give to the world or in a relationship, and many other things. So, the sensations, the time and energy spent getting the drugs, and all the drama created during a drug addiction fills in some of this space. Romantic relationships can serve the same purpose. She might use your relationship to fill this emptiness. A true recovery is supposed to involve filling this emptiness with positive things like hobbies or even restructuring one's life in a new direction. The relationship becomes a new drug. She may become addicted to the feelings of euphoria produced when she's around someone to whom she is attracted.
She is not in a position to be a healthy relationship partner for you or anyone right now. She needs a friend but not a boyfriend. She needs to know that from you, or perhaps, you should just back off altogether, if that can’t happen. This can be a delicate balance because people can misunderstand what is helpful and what is not.
I recommend you attend some Alanon meetings. They can help you distinguish what is healthy, unhealthy, time to move on, whatever. Much more than I could explain just here. They have been there and can help you understand what you are getting into. Hope that helps!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
I think you are quite aware of so many possibilities and risks here - good for you! Your recovering girlfriend will need people she can depend on, and it seems you realize that you don’t want to interfere or throw something off. In all reality, your feelings for each other are secondary to her getting on a good track.
Addiction recovery is fraught with its own problems. Many addiction recovery programs prohibit dating during the recovery period, because so much work is needed to recover from the addiction. Your girlfriend will need to learn how to live life without the constant companion of her addiction. She will need to fight back the cravings for substance of her addiction while putting the pieces of her life together.
Addiction always comes with a vast feeling of emptiness. Lack of purpose, lack of understanding her own feelings, lack of confidence, lack of feeling acceptance from others, lack of something to give to the world or in a relationship, and many other things. So, the sensations, the time and energy spent getting the drugs, and all the drama created during a drug addiction fills in some of this space. Romantic relationships can serve the same purpose. She might use your relationship to fill this emptiness. A true recovery is supposed to involve filling this emptiness with positive things like hobbies or even restructuring one's life in a new direction. The relationship becomes a new drug. She may become addicted to the feelings of euphoria produced when she's around someone to whom she is attracted.
She is not in a position to be a healthy relationship partner for you or anyone right now. She needs a friend but not a boyfriend. She needs to know that from you, or perhaps, you should just back off altogether, if that can’t happen. This can be a delicate balance because people can misunderstand what is helpful and what is not.
I recommend you attend some Alanon meetings. They can help you distinguish what is healthy, unhealthy, time to move on, whatever. Much more than I could explain just here. They have been there and can help you understand what you are getting into. Hope that helps!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: N. Greenbush, N.Y.
Posts: 15
You are very aware
You are definitely asking all of the right questions! I have personal experience of having grown up the child of two extremely dysfunctional parents. I wish I had the awareness you seem to have at a young age. The relationship choices I made caused me alot of pain during my life. I am now middle aged and finally recovered from my horrid childhood and am able to make good choices for myself. I thank god for that blessing!
Laurie
Laurie
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Jason - I came to SR because my son is an addict. My (deceased) father was an alcoholic, my ex-husband is an alcoholic, and after my divorce I was involved for 3 years in an extremely dysfunctional relationship with an abusive alcohol and marijuana addict. Since I don't have relationship experience with anyone who has been addicted to heroin or in recovery, i won't speak to those issues and will leave it to the wiser ones.
However, I am 52 years old, have two children and have been in 5 or 6 serious relationships in my life...so I do have something to share about relationships in general. (Lucky you!)
I try not to think of myself as cynical, but I do have a favorite expression when it comes to romantic love: That "somebody, somewhere, is sick of her sh*t!" LOL What that really means in a nutshell (to me) is that years down the road, after the hormones have returned to baseline and life becomes routine, that is when you start to deal with the CORE personality issues -- the ones that will generally always be there to deal with and accept (or not). I have learned that these core traits were always there, of course, but only expose themselves in times of stress. I generally chose to ignore these red flags for the sake of "love" and that's where I got into BIG BIG trouble. I don't do that anymore.
You are so smart to come here for advice because these are the very folks who can just about predict your future. That is not to say that your GF will never recover, but I think everyone can tell you with confidence that it IS a very long, hard road for most and she is probably no exception.
If I were to wave my magic wand over your head this is what I'd make happen:
You sound like such a fine young man--and you are. Respect yourself. You've been through enough. It's serenity time. (((Hugs)))
However, I am 52 years old, have two children and have been in 5 or 6 serious relationships in my life...so I do have something to share about relationships in general. (Lucky you!)
I try not to think of myself as cynical, but I do have a favorite expression when it comes to romantic love: That "somebody, somewhere, is sick of her sh*t!" LOL What that really means in a nutshell (to me) is that years down the road, after the hormones have returned to baseline and life becomes routine, that is when you start to deal with the CORE personality issues -- the ones that will generally always be there to deal with and accept (or not). I have learned that these core traits were always there, of course, but only expose themselves in times of stress. I generally chose to ignore these red flags for the sake of "love" and that's where I got into BIG BIG trouble. I don't do that anymore.
You are so smart to come here for advice because these are the very folks who can just about predict your future. That is not to say that your GF will never recover, but I think everyone can tell you with confidence that it IS a very long, hard road for most and she is probably no exception.
If I were to wave my magic wand over your head this is what I'd make happen:
- Learn from this relationship, forgive her, bless her, and move on
- Go completely No Contact because in the long run that is what makes the pain go away the fastest for all involved
- In future relationships do not ignore red flags like addiction, mental illness (in the entire family tree), hysteria, neediness, or jealousy.
- Be very choosey and keep your eyes wide open in those early months and years
- Do not ever believe that you can change someone by loving them more or better or differently
- If you find yourself asking someone to change behaviors in the 'romantic years' you will have a helluva time making that happen after you've been married 5, 10 or 15 years down the road. If you need them to change in significant ways, or they are asking YOU to change -- get out.
- Choosing the right partner is absolutely the most important decision you will ever make, so do not compromise on your core values especially if it would require the other person to make a significant change.
You sound like such a fine young man--and you are. Respect yourself. You've been through enough. It's serenity time. (((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi jason-
i agree with learn2live, there is an opportunity here for you to look at why you, as a child of an addict, have chosen an addict as a partner. i too recommend alanon and individual therapy to explore this further.
otherwise, there is a high liklihood that you will continue to want to save the addict.
when i came in to recovery from co-dependency, it was to deal with my lover. however, as i continued along, i discovered that there were many other addicts/users in my life or people i was trying to save.
as for your girlfriend, please consider that relapse is very common. also, switching drugs is very common. she is in early recovery. perhaps it would be best to step all the way back and get on with your life.
you can always check in with her, say in 6 months, and see how she is doing. the support she needs, she can find in NA, with people who can understand and help her along her way.
as codependents, often in our rescue attempts, we actually enable the disease to take further root, by shielding the addict from the consequences of their poor choices.
i believe the best, most loving thing we can do is step all the way back and let them fall or succeed. it's their journey, not ours.
i agree with learn2live, there is an opportunity here for you to look at why you, as a child of an addict, have chosen an addict as a partner. i too recommend alanon and individual therapy to explore this further.
otherwise, there is a high liklihood that you will continue to want to save the addict.
when i came in to recovery from co-dependency, it was to deal with my lover. however, as i continued along, i discovered that there were many other addicts/users in my life or people i was trying to save.
as for your girlfriend, please consider that relapse is very common. also, switching drugs is very common. she is in early recovery. perhaps it would be best to step all the way back and get on with your life.
you can always check in with her, say in 6 months, and see how she is doing. the support she needs, she can find in NA, with people who can understand and help her along her way.
as codependents, often in our rescue attempts, we actually enable the disease to take further root, by shielding the addict from the consequences of their poor choices.
i believe the best, most loving thing we can do is step all the way back and let them fall or succeed. it's their journey, not ours.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi Jason and welcome!
I am yet another voice in favor of alanon.
ALso a daughter ofan alcoholic who died when I was ten.
I can say from ersonal experience
that even though you were only 6 when you lost your father
the basic ingredients for a codependent personality were formed
by the time you were about ... say ... four.
We are that age when we've found how to get our 'needs' met inthe world
(meaning the immediate world - parents)
and that's shaped everything EVERYTHING about how we deal in the world now.
I agree completely with naive.
I can tell you from experience
and from having been on this website four years
(not that it will matter for I, too was once in my early twenties)
that no one can 'be fixed'.
Although everyone has a potentiality.... to fix themselves.
There's something you've downplayed
probably not intentionially
that I want to bring into the light
because it's ugly and harmful if left in the back someplace.
You've been lied to by this young woman
the entire time you've been with her.
People don't quit heroin on their own.
that's why it's such a bad thing.
While there are so many other things
a young life should be centered around...
I know from my own experience
that choices are our most sacred gift.
So this old woman says
get yourself educated
by the most knowledgeable experts available
in the field of lving/coping with addiction and recovery
and for you -
the place to start is Alanon.
Thanks for asking for advice
that always makes me feel good to be asked.
I am yet another voice in favor of alanon.
ALso a daughter ofan alcoholic who died when I was ten.
I can say from ersonal experience
that even though you were only 6 when you lost your father
the basic ingredients for a codependent personality were formed
by the time you were about ... say ... four.
We are that age when we've found how to get our 'needs' met inthe world
(meaning the immediate world - parents)
and that's shaped everything EVERYTHING about how we deal in the world now.
I agree completely with naive.
I can tell you from experience
and from having been on this website four years
(not that it will matter for I, too was once in my early twenties)
that no one can 'be fixed'.
Although everyone has a potentiality.... to fix themselves.
There's something you've downplayed
probably not intentionially
that I want to bring into the light
because it's ugly and harmful if left in the back someplace.
You've been lied to by this young woman
the entire time you've been with her.
People don't quit heroin on their own.
that's why it's such a bad thing.
While there are so many other things
a young life should be centered around...
I know from my own experience
that choices are our most sacred gift.
So this old woman says
get yourself educated
by the most knowledgeable experts available
in the field of lving/coping with addiction and recovery
and for you -
the place to start is Alanon.
Thanks for asking for advice
that always makes me feel good to be asked.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
i pretty much agree with everything the others have said although am only new myself to recovering i can tell u that even a short exposure to an addict can have a very bad effect on u that can take along time to get over and there arent any guarantees she will stay in recovery as its quite new id back off and be a friend if u cant go complete no contact but bear in mind she might well look for some one to blame or be looking for something to make her go back to it again and u not wanting to go back with her might well be that one little thing good luck with all u do you got your whole life in front of u enjoy life a bit and let this go if only for a little while xxxxxkia
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by jxm8669 
She has since been a month clean, started NA meetings, is on a suboxone program, and has removed herself from everyone and everything associated with that lifestyle (though i have had to guide her some of the way).
Alkies and druggies love to say "Oh, that's all in the past, it's different now, I have a whole month sober, I'm clean, I ditched all those old friends I used to get high with, I really really mean it this time," blah-blah. Just long enough to get you to stay around (or come back, etc.).
She's probably been lying about a lot of other things, too -- drug use is just the most obvious one. "... some reason she never wanted to be high around me and that i was the only person who made her want to be sober without even asking her to quit." This probably also a lie.
T
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
choose the latter and run like hell. this is a test and you can pass it. there are plenty of wonderful people in the world and from the get go she could see that she could use you and she did. she wants an enabler and you need to get away while you are young and can......if she gets better without you prodding her along, she will come back, but you may have found someone way more wonderful for you. AlAnon is good for you to help you walk around the land mines right now, but your brain is telling you right. run
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 3
I would just like to say thank you to everyone who has replied to my post. I came here to get advice from the more experienced and wise. The advice everyone has given me will definitely help me with my situation. I had been considering attending Alanon meetings with my ex to better understand her addiction, though i am quickly starting realize i need it for myself as well. I wish to do whatever is best for her and myself, which unfortunately will be a hard road to travel, for now. Your words have been invaluable and i say thank you once again to everyone for their thoughts and wisdom and wish everyone the best.
Jason
Jason
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 128
You might want to consider Al-Anon or ACA. They both are excellent programs, and you could benefit greatly from either one of them, Jason. Why not check out a meeting or two in your area? I think you will be glad you did.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
