mygirlchandler

I'm sad. I really need someone to tell me it's OK and I've not 'relapsed'. I need someone to tell me that my meds don't work and I'm just trying to make it until I can see my psych on Tuesday.

I've been restless for 4 weeks. Manic and obsessive cleaning. Periods of sobbing (the kind that hurts your whole body). Sleepless nights (zero sleep, obsessive thoughts of cleaning).

I am bipolar, have depression, and GAD. I've been taking Paxil (20mg) and Ambien (10mg). I've worked myself into a stress I can't contain, so my meds are not working.

In August, I detoxed from xanax (2mg 3x a day). I think it is important to know that I was not labled 'addicted', but dependant. (what is the difference?) I was taking it as prescribed, but I was ready to stop taking it before I had any negative consequences like loss of job, family, etc. I needed help to stop, because weaning myself was hell.

I don't want to go back to a benzo. But I need to find some way to relax. I don't drink. I exercise. I take vitimans. I see my therapist. My husband is helpful with kids, chores, and he is as supportive as he knows how to be.

Yesterday I was a wreck. I just wanted to relax for 5 minutes. Since I can't even sleep, I just wanted some peace. So I took .5 mg of xanax.

I don't even feel bad because it didn't make me want to take more, take it more often, or go back to where I was. ****, it hardly scraped the surface of my episode.

Is this a 'relapse' and can you 'relapse' if you were not addicted? I'm calling my therapist later to tell her and to see if I can do something more. Outpatient, maybe? I have to work, and I want to work, and my job is one of the only things in life that makes me feel good about myself.

Tell me it is OK. Please.

Holly

Bamboozle

The difference between dependant and addicted in a nutshell:

--dependence means your body has adjusted to the med and you will go through withdrawal when you stop if you do not follow a tappering schedule.

--addicted is the behavior involved in using. Addiction behavior is taking more than prescribed or in a fashion other than prescribed--this is a regular pattern, not necessarily isolated events.

Talk to your doctor right away. I would be more concerned about your current meds not properly working than worrying about whether or not people here think you've relapsed. If you never were addicted, I'm not sure how that can be considered a relapse, but it is not safe to self medicate. Please consult your doctor and tell them everything that's going on. Take care of yourself.

mygirlchandler

Thank you for your speedy answer. I hear what you are saying and I will be mindful of your words. I will not be seeking self medication.

I have an appointment Thursday with my psych. I went to my doctor's office yesterday (GP). I'm not willing to let her make a med switch/add for me because I do not want more than one person fiddling with my meds. I was desperate and reaching out for SOMETHING. I fail myself because I don't know what it is I thought she could do for me.

My psychiatrist is only open two days a week (Tue and Thurs). I will call first thing Tuesday morning.

I contacted my therapist this morning to see if she could fit me in today. I'll be asking for weekly visits or outpatient therapy.

I'm trying SO HARD. What else can I do?

Thank you again, your reply means so much.

Justfor1

You decide if it was a relapse or not. In my opinion, no it was not a relapse. I couldn't stop the benzo I took cold turkey & had to be weaned off of it slooowly.
I had been on it daily for years and to be honest the withdrawal at first was worse than my withdrawal from alcohol or heroin.

tjp613

What do your therapists/doctors recommend to relieve your anxiety? Are there methods that you've forgotten about or are not employing?

Meditation?
Do you have a self-hypnosis or relaxation CD you can listen to?
A hot bath?
Soothing self-talk?
Breathing exercises or yoga?

I understand your feelings -- my daughter has similar anxieties and I know how hard it can be to get focused on what you should be doing for yourself...and then actually doing it. It IS hard and you need to keep trying. You can do it! (((((Hugs)))))

dreamscape

Dependant is what doctors call addicted.
Here's another one .......withdrawal - Discontinuation syndrome

These are pharmaceutical industry "buzz words" aimed at relaxing consumers.

That said, an addict will not just take (1) .5mg xanax to calm down, they'll take as many as they think they can get away with ( 6-10-12-more)

addict and addicted are 2 entirely different words.

Benzos are dangerous to flirt around with, take them as prescribed.

doggonecarl

Big cyber-hug, Holly.

Wondered where you had gone to. Glad to see a post from you, though saddened by your troubles. Wish I could offer something constructive.

mygirlchandler

Thank you all, I managed to make it through the day. I was productive at work, done daily chores, and I've been a good mommy (I'm always that).

I still have sad feelings but I'm not hysterical.

The word dependant does sound less harsh than addict. I may have been dependant in the past, and I don't want to be in the future. The important thing for me to keep telling my brain is to not self-medicate. I'm feeling hopless and helpless and those two things can put anyone close to an edge. But taking it an hour at a time today, I was able to get through it.

I'm glad it is getting close to bed time.

Thanks again for the response. Every reply is helpful and valuable to me.

dreamscape

Good for you for taking it an hr at a time, Holly.

I was a bit of a drug abuser till i got wired on benzos, then I started abusing them and I was never the same with other drugs.
Something happened to me as a result and now I have big problems taking any (feel good) drugs as prescribed.

Be very careful with those things...k

mygirlchandler

Dreamscape, I am not interested in being on anything that alters my mental state. (Other than an AD and mood stabilizer). I have no desire to get anywhere close to that person that I was last August. I wasn't taking care of any of my needs.

I've had a rough day on and off. But I'm remembering those important coping skills that I learned when I went to detox. I've gotten out of those good mental habits of telling myself to STOP and DO SOMETHING ELSE when I get in a position of worry and obsessive thoughts.

Good distractions today: a girlfriend (of DD's) came to play, day dreaming about vacation, and going to the movies with DH.

Drug use does change the patterns of our brain process. I did lots of drugs in college. I quit after college, had no problems stopping and never looking back. So I never thought I'd wind up with an addiction. No one intends for it to happen. It sneaks. It catches you. It makes you sick, weak, sad, ugly, and exhausted.

Don't worry, I will not be flirting around with self medication. I'll take it an hour at a time until I can talk to my doctor.