ktracy4

I am a 19 year old male who is addicted to oxycodone IR (roxis/blues) and sometimes Oxymorphone ER (Opana) used interchangeably. I attend a top US university, and while living on campus I never use painkillers. The problem is, every time I go home for summer of winter break, the first thing I want to do is buy pills from my dealer. I have gone through quitting and withdrawal more times than I can count. I also know about 5 kids who went to rehab for blues. Despite this, I feel like I have opened Pandora's Box since I first tried them and it is very hard to resist the temptation when they are easily available to me. For these reasons, I don't think regular drug therapy or rehab will cure my long-term problem.

Is there any advice you can give me to help me find greater meaning in life than doing drugs? I know I am not the alone here but I don't know how to convince myself that opiates are ruining my life, though I know without help I will get kicked out of school, disowned by my family, put in jail, killed by OD or all of the above.

I am a stern atheist and my main interest is music, if that is at all relevant.

Kevin, NJ

SquareHead

Kevin,

I'm in NJ too & had the same addiction for 8 years. I was getting a big dosage from a Dr., but it was never enough. I got up 4 months ago & decided that I had enough. It would be a whole lot easier to quit at 19 years old than when I did at 42. It only gets worse as time goes on, and a lot harder to quit.

I have the same religious beliefs that you do & was not crazy about the idea of the 12 step approach, simply for that reason. I did start attending anyway to see what it was all about & I don't think you should let the religion (It's a spiritual program & not a religious program) thing scare you away from it. If only to get around other addicts who have been clean for a long time. There is a lot of wisdom in those rooms & that's why I've stuck around ever since.

These things will take you down a very bad road if you continue to use. That I know for sure.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

SH

larrylive

Gentleman,

Seems to me that the obvious solution would be to not go home. I mean if you can go 16 weeks without and just can't resist the temptation when you get back within reach. I understand how this may seem unreasonable. But until one gains the ability to refuse the call, avoidance is strongly recommended.

As for that 12 step conundrum, I too was having difficulty due to my religous beliefs or lack there of. Certainly most of the steps can be utilized with out questioning their benefit or purpose. As for the higher power we must first agree that we (I) am certainly not the supreme being/force of the universe. With that in mind it certainly makes sence that there seems to be something with a little more influence over time and space. So if need be let's just refer to the higher power as Gravity. It certainly seems to do a good job holding everything together. And if you don't understand how it can influence your thoughts and actions, that's all right for now. Chances you can't explain how it keeps you on the ground (or warps time). But if you approach this with an open-mind, a little acceptance and some patience, more will be revealed.

Regards,
Larry

tsmba

Your problem cannot have progressed too far if you are able to stop for long periods. Now, you have the opportunity to stop before suffering all the consequences....if you choose it. The keys to that are the same as for any of us: honesty, open-mindness, and willingness. Its all up to you!

Onewithwings

NA is a great program even for Atheists! You may have to tweak the wording of certain steps in your own head, but Larry is right-- anyone who believes they are not the supreme power of the universe can have a "higher power" it doesn't have to be God. Some higher powers I have heard from Atheists/Agnostics in the program:

The Group
Your Conscience
The Program
Gravity
The Universe
Earth
Charmin (Because it keeps your @$$ clean!)
Glenda the Good Witch (from Wizard of Oz)
Anything but the doorknob (because the doorknob can turn on you)

Good luck!

larrylive

TSMBA and Kevin,

Please know that I certainly do not agree with the theory that long stretches of non-use means a less intense addiction. During the course of my using I would often go months without. Usually this was due to geographical isolation or finacial hardship. But as soon as I came into money and availability the cravings would kick in full force.
I say this so people like us (Kevin and I) do fall into the "I must not really be an addict" mode and run head long into a way of live (as I did) that only compounds the problems.
Regards,
Larry

PS. I hope Kevin comes back.

MelissaNoDrugs

My opinion is not endorsed by many, but will offer it anyway with the concept of free speech and a big mouth in mind:

I don't prescribe to the whole notion of "replacement." In other words, there is nothing that will ever truly replace the high from hard drugs. And I believe it is a mistake to see the journey of recovery as "filling the void", a term I hear often.

The "greater meaning in life" you refer to is exactly that. And true meaning, it never comes for free nor is it "stumbled upon." The fact that you recognize this is already encouraging. I would caution anyone however, to think that "X" will replace "Y" and then voila!, here is your new balanced life.

Addicts are generally interesting people who chose the path less travelled. Often what flourishes into uncontrollable addiction begins as a search for meaning. That's why I think it's important to go back to the feelings behind the drugs. I think the answers you seek lie inside those feelings.

You already possess the greater meaning, but veered off track with substance abuse. You're very young and already acknowledge your addiction. I think that's wonderful. Perhaps music is your calling, as you mention. Who knows. Point is, you know you're an addict and have a chance to deal with your problem. I knew I was an addict at your age, but instead chose not to face it and suffered decades more. You don't have to do that if you don't want to.

I also think that sobriety is sobriety, and sometimes not entwined in this "meaning" or purpose. Like, there are days when I feel purpose and it's directly connected to my effort to remain clean, but then there are days where I feel like a nobody, totally insignificant and will never achieve much of anything. On those days, I have to remember that staying clean is still a main goal, regardless of my achievements or lack thereof. Reason I mention this, is I have seen many a person tie their hopes and dreams to their recovery efforts, and when their sail loses wind, they relapse. One of those people was me.

It's all food for thought, take it or leave it, I may have inspired you or I may be totally full of crap.

OChromeIsClean

Hey KTracy.

Note: I didn't get a chance to read through all the posts so I may be repeating what other people said, etc

I'm 23 and was using OC for almost 2 years. I go to school near my hometown so I don't really 'get away' and stop using. I've been clean since Oct 11th and was trying since May 09.

I started with 12 step meetings and they worked to keep me clean in the short term. I now go to SMART Recovery meetings and they are great! I think it would be an especially good fit for a 'stern atheist'. I'd consider myself on the agnostic/atheist line. I agree that 12 step meetings are not really going to be a great place for you. The (SMART) meetings are a lot more informal and it's more like an intelligent conversation about experiences with getting clean. Crosstalk is allowed, etc.

It's something to try. Maybe look and see if there are meetings when you go 'home' and go there instead of the dealers house. Meet people that don't use, go out with them, have 'real' fun w/o using. I know it sounds cliché, but it works dude - I promise.

Figured I'd drop my 2 cents.

tbeit

I hope Keven comes back too and by the way Larry you have come so far I'm proud of you

SlvrMag

My doggy was my "Higher Power" for a while there!

larrylive

I didn't pick any one thing as my higher power, I believe my higher power excist in everything. And when people act in a way I find distressing I must try to remember that perhaps my higher power is trying to teach me a lesson, even if it's just that I don't need to be concerned with other peoples behavior.

larry

karma35

hi glad you're here.. Wealth of experience in the above posts.. Don't give up giving up.. Btw the poem stratman left is the one i recite at everyone lol.. Larry good to see you're here... Best of luck with everything xx karma

FT

OMG,
You guys. You guys.

I loved what you wrote. It describes me and my family to a T. We are all creative people, "interesting maybe", intelligent for sure, and it has not been dull stupidity that has almost destroyed our family with drugs. The four of us (husband, me, 2 sons) have all variously dealt with alcohol, meth, crack, marijuana, injectible narcotics, and most recently for me, oxycodone.

I did not know I was an addict at 19. I wish I had. I am now 59 years old and can look back at all the damage these substances have wreaked upon my family. We are now on our fourth or fifth "comeback", each of us in various ways. One of our sons is a creative musician, and the other one is a brilliant biologist, and my husband and I are medical people.

In my last bout with oxycodone, I really believed I did my "best work" during the hours of the morning when I was taking most of my pills. I have been clean from that nasty drug since December 15, 2010, so it has just been a month for me. My whole story is on the "oxycodone withdrawal help" thread. I now realize that what should have taken me 2 hours to finish was taking me all day, as I would ruminate on wording, and meaning, and weird abstract thoughts. (I do medical legal writing) I recall nodding off in the middle of a sentence, and re-reading the same things over and over and over while "high". I did not think I was "high", just more energized and more creative. In reality, that was an illusion.

It was only after I recognized the drug was making me sick and irrational that I knew I had to stop, once and for all. It's been a hard withdrawal month (after the 2 year oxycodone nightmare ride), first with a great deal of feeling sick with no energy, stomach not working right, restless legs and body when trying to sleep, then really not sleeping much of the night.

I am feeling better now. I get a lot of reinforcement for my decision to stay clean when I read posts like yours. I suppose I would call myself an atheist, and yet I am really a spiritual person in terms of my view of the universe.

For me, I love the Desiderata poem. I don't care when it was written, as some argue it was written over a 100 years ago, but the message remains the same:

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.


--- Max Ehrmann, 1927