din

my oldest daughter has been out of our home since she was 13...turns 30 monday.

i should have fought more to "make" her stay ....she was a troubled kid, goal of trying to wreck my marriage (and calling dcsf on my home to get the other 2 kids removed from the house) I was a drunk who was afraid of loosing my husband, and my other children.... fear ruled that whole situation for me.....basically i sacrificed one for the rest.
i of course jumped further into the bottle for years, was a nervous mess from then on, waiting for the breakdown to come.

the rest of the family has zero "use" for her (hate that terminology) and yet I still love her, (maybe not a normal unconditional mothers love) regardless of the type of individual she has become in life and is. always hoping for what .........probably will never be, the relationship i coughed up.
i'm trying to forgive her, and i think i have partially at least.....

but this is about me clearing my wreckage............making amends to her.......not visa versa

I know i have to do a 9th step with her......in order to maintain my sobriety .....I KNOW THIS to be a fact.

and i dont even know what to say except sorry i didnt "pick" her?????
part of the 9th step is NOT to make the other person feel worse...(and she has always accused me of NOT choosing her)

i have spoken to my sponsor about this.......and to be honest, i just dont think she gets the "me and her" thing.

seriously.............i need feedback, even (and especially) if its something i dont want to hear

Music

We do need to do this step in order to stay sober but not at someone else's expence. I didn't see anywhere in your post where you mentioned your relationship with your daughter today. Do you speak to her? What would you have to do in order to make contact with her? Is she even agreeable to sitting down to talk to you? If you answer these questions(and I'm sure if I took the time, I'd come with a few more)with a negative, I'd suggest you make amends to her through your higher power and call it a day. You have no right barging into her life to make yourself feel better or to satisfy some idea that if you don't make this amend, you'll drink. You won't drink unless you want to drink over it. I'd think really well and do some serious praying before persuing this any further. If you can't sit down and talk to her, write her a letter telling her how you feel and what happened....honestly, then pray and burn the letter. Talk to your sponsor some more and/or to your pastor or priest.

keithj

din,
This sounds like a tricky one. I would seek some serious input from trusted persons (sponsor) that have some experience with tricky amends and walking a spiritual path. And that know the intimate details of your situation.

One thing that helps me with sorting out amends, is to know very specifically where I was wrong. Was it just, 'not choosing her', or are there a list of wrongs including maybe not staying in touch, selfishly placing comfort over her well being, not knowing how to be the kind of mother she needed, etc. Maybe none of that applies, maybe there is quite a bit more. When I know specifically how I've harmed someone, the right answers will come on how to best approach them.

If it's like some of my fuzzier amends, I probably have no idea of all the ways I've harmed another. Ways I may never even have considered. The first step for me, is to find out how I've harmed them. I seek contact, telling the person that I know I've harmed them, and I'd appreciate the opportunity to right some of those wrongs. If they are receptive, then I'm prepared to listen to them about the ways I've harmed them.

At the end of the day, it's not so much about cleaning up my wreckage as it is giving the other person an opportunity to get free of their own resentment.

din

i do still talk w/ her.............pretty one side, to say
"I (at this point) am a bank roll to her"
and due to the guilt, I have partially allowed this to be the case.
Having gotten sober the beginning of this year.....all of that monetary guilt thing has become frightfully obvious to me.

Music

din, stop living in the guilt. I did the same thing when I was drinking and for some time after quitting. You're enabling her to continue her bad behavior by bankrolling her. Treat her as an adult. If she wants to harbor the resentment, let her. The ninth step says "made direct amends wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others." If she doesn't want to accept your amend, or you're unable to make the amend, treat her the same as you would anyone else. Make the amend when possible and until then, do what's best for you. Let it go and stay sober. She'll either come around or she won't.

din

ya know..........and at the end of the day, thats it in a nutshell.
I was VERY leary at posting "personal" garb........but sincerely glad I did. You (all) gave me
some food for thought.
the good kind......not the crap "I" bounce around in my own head (lol)

I meet w/ my sponsor today again.........gonna touch base on the subject again.
I dont want this thing lingering over me (and I feel thats what I'm letting it do)

she moved back into the state I live in..............and I'm deathfully afraid she will show up on our doorstep christmas day...........

and "yet" my personal meditation's remind me "its in gods hands,..AND......his will NOT mine"
boy I struggle with that one.........

gives me something to work on tho, which means I am still "work in progress"

and THAT I like

Music

If "she" shows up on your doorstep on Christmas day, remember whose birthday we're celebrating and treat the way He would. When I go to mass, every time we open by saying, "may the peace of the Lord be with you all." When Jesus met with the people who denied him when he was put to death, he greeted them by saying, "peace be with you." Greet her with peace and love which you'll be able to do if you've let go of the guilt trip you've put yourself on. Pray about it and just love her as a mother would love her daughter and as God loves us.

din

wow!

thats..........ALOT to digest for me today

yet "ALL" spot on, and in reality the way the incident should be handled. (should it even happen)................stay in today Din!

I have and will continue to pray about it.

the part (to be brutally honest) that I am struggling with right now.........

Is the past 17 years of thinking (and feelings)..........VS............the last not quite year of learning (and new emotions)
the two just do not go together now "at all" (which, IF I am working my program, and growing spiritually) I suppose shouldn't.

it was a survival instinct from years ago when my heart was broken by her............I just keep that guard up still............

you are right

I will simply "pray about it" and let god have this one ))

thanks again

Music

What's helped me is to realize that the past was filled with booze and all that goes with it. Do I wish it had been different....sure. I was hurt and people around me were hurt in the process. I did the best I could to under the circumstances, and so do other people. Our kids were, and in some cases still are hurting from the past. I have a program to help me deal with what happened. Many others don't, so it's my responsibility to stay in the present and show the example. Maybe our kids will see and catch on, maybe not. My program tells me to love others as I would like to be loved and to forgive others as I would like to be forgiven. A lot to digest??? You bet! So just keep on chewing and remember your daughter is doing the best with what she has to work with.

din

seriously..........thank you!

daveinmd

I'm on step 9 now and just wrote an ammends letter to my ex-wife expaining the situation my apologizes and my hope for a brighter futre I also told her the next time I see her we can discuss this or if she wants to write back and i will call her. Its not right to just pop in on her one day with my baggage.atleast she gets a warning this way.I have to be open to follow thru if she wants to add anything or take the letter as the end of it