shutterbug

first off...I've not posted on SR in a LONG time and don't know if i will stick around again or not, but I'd like some feedback on 1 issue...

So much has changed for the better in my life over the past year, with one being a new relationship. We will have been together for 4 months come the 11th.

Anyone who knows me will know what a HUGE thing this is for me as I've not had any significant relationship in about 6-7 years. AND the lack of has SIGNIFICANTLY ADDED TO MY SEVERE DEPRESSIONS. When my Boo and I are doing well...we are GREAT together! But when we are fighting/arguing it's pretty rough. It's like a rollercoaster and I don't know if it's worth it to continue or to let go. I've been crying off and on for 2 weeks now feeling more and more like it's not possible to make it work just because we argue so much about even the smallest of things like the meaning of the word "drama" vs. "conflict" ! ugh.

We love each other VERY much and soooo well matched except for our communication with each other when disagreeing. There also is a significant age difference....as my Boo is much younger than I. And I've been struggling with my own mood stability, etc. And Boo shows much of the same...rapid mood changes, but hasn't show clear-cut symptoms of bipolar disorder yet so i don't know if it's just personality based. (Boo has also gone thru 2 MAJOR life events recently, including a death of a very close loved one)

Bottom line: I get suicidally depressed from loneliness and tried to kill myself over a year ago because i felt i had no one and little to live for. NOW, there is SOOOO much love in our relationship that it hurts so much when we fight and I think it's why our fights get so emotional. I truly believe that if we can't work there is little possibility for me ever finding someone compatible and patient enough with me that it will. I'm 34 and beyond ready to have someone in my life full time.....and marriage is/was the direction we were both heading toward in our hearts and plans.

I've pulled back and have been detaching emotionally b/c i am so frustrated and sad the past 3 weeks.....

Suggestions??????

Holidays are always hard on new relationships....even without the significant personal issues we are each dealing with seperately. So do I keep holding on and try to make it work? Is it worth it to be sad and frustrated for another month to see if getting thru the holidays and individual struggles will return things for the better? Or is the honeymoon phase just over and I should just let it go and be alone and lonely again???????

loveon2legs

Hi shutterbug...welcome back..

I know when I put all my happiness around relationships I was setting my self up for heartache....and major disappointment...I had to find happiness in myself..find my own purpose...I'm bipolar and my relationships were always full of drama.....until I got some therapy and proper medication....and living a sober life.....Things have changed....and I am at peace for the first time in my adult life..... I wish that for you...

Isaiah

Hey Shutterbug,

I can relate to some of it. With my BPD I get it hard that I might be madly in love with another person but incapable of displaying it. I get terrified at the thought of an ending relationship (with a couple suicide attempts.) And the strain of needing to pull back all while wanting to reconcile and be closer.

Although I don't know enough about your relationship or you or him to give a meaningful stay or go answer for you. However, my belief, and I know a lot of people would argue otherwise, is that if you two have strong feelings for each other than it's worth trying to reconcile.

If you guys haven't gotten anywhere, maybe consider trying another approach to fixing the problem. Would it be possible for you two to get counseling together? Maybe consider a temporary vacation from each other for a while to let the intense feelings die down a bit?

Another thing that can help is to put things down on paper, where it's easier to analyze them without a lot of emotion. My ex-fiancee, who also had borderline personality disorder, and I used to write each other letters when we were having a hard, emotional time. It got us to slow down and think about what we were saying, rather than just act impulsively in the moment face-to-face.

But I think if you feel you guys have exhausted options, a split would be best. The unfortunate reality I have had to learn over and over is that love doesn't always make relationships work. And if that happens then be sure to ask for any help you need getting through it, and don't worry about your age. Better to wait for a relationship that could make you happy for life than rush into something that wont last or make you happy.

Take care, I hope you discover the best thing soon, but in any case it will all work out.

nandm

The old question of "would I rather be right or be at peace?" that is one of the questions here. When you fight with your partner/spouse/friend/whatever it is hard when we are caught up in the passion that we forget that not everyone thinks the same as us and that is ok. Those differing perceptions are what makes the world go around. Without differences this world would truly be a boring place. There are some arguments that just are not worth wasting the energy on. Arguments such as the difference of word meanings are many times the "would I rather be right or at peace?" ones. There will always be stressful times in any relationship. I have been with my partner now for over 10 years and we have had our rough patches but what I have learned along the way is it is never worth getting into a yelling fight over and to always ask myself if the argument is really worth it. That is not to say I let myself be walked on but rather I choose my battles and see them as differences of opinions rather than arguments. It is ok for someone to have a differing opinion from me and I can respect that without losing anything myself.

I do understand suicidal depression as I fight with it daily. Some days are better than others. Are you getting treatment for the mental health issues? If so can you talk to your health care professional about the suicidal problems?

I do hope that you find the solution that you are seeking. Take care.

shutterbug

we stayed together and tried to make it work. we love each other very much, but i fear it is over. we are both very stubborn and like to be right. i wish i'd have read your post earlier Nan and held onto your words.

tonight i am drinking. i don't remember ever drinking alone, but i am now....left overs from new years party i didn't get to have.

it's been a trying month. i just want her back in my arms. oh yeah...my love is a girl. never thought i'd say that, but then she came into my life and i fell in love with who she is. never had anyone love me the way she does/did.

but my bipolar self is very hard to handle and she is young....too young to have to deal with me and my issues. i wish i could let her go, but how can i let go of love when i've looked so long and hard for it for sooooo many years?

nandm

When I first replied to your post I did not really pay attention to the name. I have to say I have missed you. I learned so much from you and truly enjoyed your journal you used to keep here.

I can completely relate to the difficulties of being with someone while being bipolar. It takes a very understanding, strong, patient, tolerant, and loving person to not walk out the door. I don't know how Molly has stuck it out with me this long. Especially during this fight for disability. When we met I was 15 years into a professional career with a promising outlook for the future. Then the PTSD and bipolar started rearing it's head and it has been a downward slide since then. There are days when I can hardly stand being me and really wonder how anyone can love me with all the baggage of PTSD and bipolar. I know it can not be easy to walk in her shoes. My disease has crippled our future and changed out plans. But enough about me.

Sorry you are feeling so alone. It can be quite painful to drink alone. Too much time for introspection I think. Do not let anyone make you feel ashamed that the person you love happens to be a woman. Life is hard enough without allowing ourselves to buy into someone else's issues and hangups. We love who we love, it is the person that matters.

Do you feel you have to let this love go? Have you talked with her about it? Is it possible to work things through, come to a compromise? Is she willing to try to make things work? Can you see a future with her? I know a lot of questions, sorry about that.

Just want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you the best. Feel free to pm me if you want to, I am always open to talking more if you want. Take care

shutterbug

Nandm, idk if you are still around these boards seeing as how it's been 2 years since your response to my post, but....i really relate to your 2nd paragraph right now.

i did get back with my gf several times over the months following, but it was 100 % over by spring. that's not to say i don't still morn that relationship constantly. i was addicted to her like nothing I've ever experienced & it took me the rest of 2011 to be able to completely stop all communication. i am proud to say that it has almost been exactly a year since my last contact. that said....& despite even the fact that I've been in my most healthy relationship of my life since summer 2011....i still crave her.

and worst part is she was among the most destructive people I've ever known in my life....a compulsive liar in every aspect of her life...even rediculously unnecessary lies...& builds every beginning relationship on lies about even her basic identity features life age, status, living situation, job, income, family, education...everything. fact was...i still loved her beyond words despite her worst flaws.

now...1.5 years into a relationship with a mature, caring & responsible woman & i can't make myself feel anything more than admiration & thankfulness for her. the lack of passion & romantic love is draining what little life is left in me. i don't know how to manage. i don't know how to get out, but also can't bear the thought of being alone again.

i'm afraid the inner conflict is coming out as inappropriate anger on all aspects of my life

my partner doesn't deserve my verbal & emotional rages...even when not directed at her. she deserves peace & laughter in her life.

Mo S

I havev been where you are more than once.

F E A R at all?
Could you be withdrawing out of fear too? It wont last so I should pull away and stay safe. Or even scare is it to good to be true?.....
I believe in following my heart.

I wish you the best with whatever HUGE decision you make.

nandm

Shutterbug, it is nice to see you posting again although I am sorry it is not under better circumstances.

I can relate to much of what you posted.

The "cravings" for an ex. I can relate to that because there is still a part of me that has feelings for my first love. What I have done to help resolve that is similar to what you have done. I know that I truly love and adore the woman that I am with and would not trade her for the world. I also know that my ex was a negative factor in my life and there is no way things would even work out between us. So when those "cravings" or feelings come up I focus on how green the grass is on my side of the fence and find those spots that need a bit more fertilizer, water or care and apply that energy to fixing those areas.

As far as lack of passion/romantic love goes. My experience has been that the passion in a relationship comes in waves. Unfortunately, sometimes our waves our not in sync but that I think is normal for any long term relationship. I see the passion/romantic love as being quite bipolar. At the beginning of a relationship it is like that high of being on the manic side. You just can't seem to get enough of each other and life is so bright and colorful. Then as every day life sets in the mania starts to subside and passion loses its edge and some of the color starts to go out of life. Then as life continues there are periods of depression where it feels like the passion is completely gone and it is hard to see anything colorful or bright in the relationship. But eventually everything that goes up must come down and everything that is down eventually rises so the relationship once again gets a brief manic episode followed by periods of depression or that middle of the road feeling. That at least has been my experience over the past nearly 12 years Molly and I have been together and this is my longest relationship. I have always left relationships once that initial mania wore off because I thought that meant that I was not in love anymore. But what I have learned is that the love never leaves it is only the passion that is bipolar. Knowing that I have that constant of love makes it easier to get through the passion depressive periods.

As far as your partner not deserving to bear the brunt of emotional outbursts in my opinion you are quite right as no one deserves to be an emotional punching bag. It is hard though when all that emotion comes to the surface and needs to come out and the person you trust the most is right there in front of you, to not let go and let it all out because somehow it feels safe because they love you. This may sound silly but what has helped me with the rages and emotional outbursts is I have a life size dummy that is made for boxing sparring. When I feel that coming on I go out to the garage and try to vent that energy into sparring with the dummy. Thank God for boxing gloves otherwise my hands would probably be broken by now from doing that. But it works well for me to rechannel that emotional energy into a physical energy.

Anyway, glad to see you. Please know you can always pm me if you want.

shutterbug

it seems my partner & i only had about 1.5 months of that manic newness, but it was also VERY clouded by us both mourning the loss of our exes. i love her but i only felt "in love" with her for the actual moment i first told her so... must have been lust or whatever u call it. that was the only time i really felt in love with her.

we needed each other & could relate to what the other was going through. last night i ended up having an open conversation with her & she agreed she's not in love with me but loves me & admires me.

neither of us know how we can survive without the other & finally said outloud that we care about each other but are mostly together out of fear & necessity.

it's a cold place to be, but i know it's nothing like the deadly ice of being alone in my depressions.

so i feel lost...& alone despite living with someone i care about.

shutterbug

my brain keeps thinking of that quote about not marrying the person you can live with but rather the person you can't live without. my ex & i were only together 10 months & yet i still feel so much love for her despite how crazy & despite how well my current partner has treated me.

i feel like i'm battling between: healthy numbness & bordom...vs happines, excitement & a reason to want to live life.