texasmagnum

I visited Texas Magnum today, behind bars. Twice, he wanted to cry. He brushed it off my rubbing at his face. He is a big strong man, 22, with a bald head and tattoos all over. Not the kind to cry in public. He is struggling.

The holidays are here and he is more than likely going to be "in transfer" in the prison system during that time. He is scared, sad, and lonely!

And then, when I got home I had an envelope from him in the mail. He had sent me something to post for him, he says that he is full of anger, fear, anxiety and sadness. He is worried about his future. He is bored out of his mind. And, he wants to come HOME!

And home is a long ways away at this point. We are thinking 22 months is what we should expect, with so-called good time and such.

He is trying hard to remember what they told him in AA -- Let go and let god. He is trying to pray for serenity and faith that all is unfolding as it should.

And meanwhile, he deals with the real emotions plaguing him, wanting to be angry, act out, FIGHT someone, rage at someone, use drugs, drink...

I feel so bad for him, I wish I could do more than be the bystander observing his fate, and the person chronicling this all for him as it unfolds... but at least I can do that!!

I know we all have prisons around us, or within us, that we erect ourselves... but my heart goes out for Magnum today, his bars are a little too real and a little too harsh.

Peace ~~

Dee74

It must be very hard for you both. Prayers for you and texasmagnum

D

texasmagnum

Thank you Dee. I sure know I appreciate all the kindness I can get these days!
This sort of situation sure lets a parent who has "done too much" learn that they can't fix it after all.

This is no longer my journey. In fact, it never has been, I am just along for the ride.

Peace~~

DesertEyes

Dunno what it's like over in your part of the country, but over here the local AA office runs a "Hospitals and Institutions" committee that puts meetings in the prisons, takes books and literature, gets all the paperwork done so the particular prison will allow the books, and so on. Just cuz he's in prison doesn't mean he can't reach out for AA.

While he is in transfer they're likely not to let him have any books, but once he is placed they're more likely to let him have an AA book.

You can be more than a bystander, you can connect him to the Hospitals and Institutions people.

oh, and by the way, one of my first sponsors did 25 years for murdering his own brother. He sobered up the first year inside, stayed sober all the way thru and after he got out. There's sober people on the inside, a lot more than you'd think. Magnum can be one of those if he wants it bad enough.

Mike

texasmagnum

Yes, Michael, in his current spot in county awaiting transfer he doesn't have many resources, but once he gets to where he is going -- he is hopeful he will have AA, church, rahab programs... who knows what'all! Hopefully something. Meanwhile, he and a fellow inmate are trying to work \their program together... as limited as it may be.

Having said that - he appreciates and believes much of what AA has to say but he isn't sure it is the right course for him (his words not mine.) He is trying a course of personal spirituality at this moment, I guess you could say....

Impurrfect

(((TexasMagnum and his friend))) - I had a LOT of anger when I was first clean, as it was behind bars. In retrospect, most of it was at myself, but I didn't see it then. I didn't WANT to be an addict, and it took a while to where I finally accepted it. I had gone to AA, before, and I still use what I learned there, but my "program" is my own. I depend on SR, God, and a few f2f people who are very supportive, since I've been in recovery. To even GET to that point, I had to pray "to be willing to be willing to not want to do crack again". That's just my version, but he may find something similar works. I can't tell you how long it was before I could drop ONE of the willings, but I did. Now, you would have to hold a gun to my head to make me even go near that stuff.

I have a friend, he's actually one of my former dope-boys, who is in prison for murder. The details don't really matter, but it was self-defense, but because of his record, he ran and that pretty much messed him up. We still write, though not as much lately as he doesn't have money for stamps and I can't send it to him. Regardless, he's been one of my greatest supporters. He's taken every class, he can, in prison...GED, anger mgmt, etc. He gets down, a bit, but every letter he's written me has lifted my spirits. I don't know how to explain it, and he's been in there for about 4 years, but he says he knows what he wants, and doesn't want, when he gets out (about 6 more years).

I don't know about TM's beliefs, but whether he believes in God, or something else, it really helps to know there is SOMEONE/SOMETHING out there that really does want what's best for us. I pray....a lot. I'm dealing with some anger, on my own, right now because of something that happened a couple of years ago..a violent crime I was a victim of, and the guys just got sentenced.

I'm not a goody-goody - I'm a former crackhead who prostituted for drugs. I work a minimum wage job with a mgr who is a maniac because I'm still dealing with consequences from when I was using. HOWEVER, I have a lot to be gratfeul for...there are people who love and care about me. I'm alive, and I have definitely found that "what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger".

We mess up, we have to do time...whether it's behind bars, out in the real world, or a combination of both. Recovery has made me a better person, and I honestly can't say that I regret my past. I wouldn't BE the person I am, today, if it hadn't happened. I don't do things, today, that are going to cause me bad consequences in the future - had enough of that. Today I can hold my head up and say "bring it on" because I've been through hell, and I came back out of it.

One thing that may help is writing about it. Instead of striking out at someone/something, write it out. I just had to do that (in my head) at the people who robbed me at work then went out and killed a few people. Sounds stupid, but it does help.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

happyboy

If him and his cellmate are trying.........the AA big book, the 12 and 12 and the NA Basic text, and maybe a bible could be really useful. Dont know if thats possible?

texasmagnum

Impurrfect - thank you for that very great reply, I will copy it and mail it to Magnum. I don't know if you have visited his blog but he would love to have you read it and send him comments there too, it seems to really help him a lot.

happyboy - he can have a bible and does. He can't get AA or NA books there but I think he must know the AA book almost by heart, he used to read it so much! Again, once he gets transferred, I will be able to send books via amazon and a few other online sources, and he can have AA and NA books. It's scary thinking of him getting sent to somewhere unknown, since he has carved his little reality out for himself where he is at, but then again, everyone keeps telling him it will be BETTER all the way around once he gets there. He will have a job, a chance to exercise MUCH more, access to books, and AA meetings too, and also will perhaps be assigned a class for addiction recovery, etc.

In his current facility, Magnum has been vocal about his addiction. He found it to be a REAL milestone when another inmate reached out to him and asked to talk to him about how own addiction. He told Magnum he had never met anyone who was so honest and upfront about his addiction. From that, they started having regular discussions.

Thanks so much for the good thoughts!!