ITZMESSEDUP

My Addiction to pain meds started with a motorcycle accident. It was my introduction to percocets. Than in 1994 my kids Mom got leukemia and I was introduced to duragesic patches, and xanax's. My first detox was in 1997 and when I seen there were people there that have been in detox's dozens of times, I thought it was rediculous. Surely I would NEVER go through this again. Went to rehab after the detox and had to leave after two weeks because my sons mom was in the hospitial dying. The first time I visited her I was wondering how many percoccets were in her pocketbook? Horrible, I know, but I am being honest. Well here it is 13 years later and I have about 10 detox's under my belt, and about 5-6 rehabs. The most time I ever put together was 11 and a half months. Relapsed as my home group was planning my year party. So here I sit coming off more bs than I was ever taking before, methadone, Oxycontins, and percoccets. Its been a 5 year run. I have 5 and a half months clean and I have HARDLY thought about using. I have managed to maintain sobriety in spite of being seperated from my alcoholic wife, and pot smoking buddy. She left right before I came home from the rehab and I think to myself...when does that "I can do one more" thought take over my brain? I hope I have learned by now that one pill=misery,isolation,detox and rehab. I wonder when the thought is going to hit me. I would like to add, I am from Philadelphia, moved to WV 5 years ago (would take a 8 hour drive 1 way every 27 days to see my doctors in Philly) point I am making is that I am in a safe enviroment here. Even if I did want just one its a 8 hour drive. They have signs in front of the Dr's offices here "We do not dispense narcotics" I guess I am just scared. I know my history. I went to get clean for my marriage and I don't even have that now. I was embarrassed about taking methadone (that was one of my nevers) I originally got them to "get rid of them" I got rid of them to myself more than anything else. I just don't know? After 35 years of smoking pot I gave that up too (first time for that, I was on marijuana maintenance,always wanted to just quit the pills) someone made a comment in another thread that my alcoholic wife was drunk when I met her and thats who she was/is...I was pilled up when I met her...have been for the most part for the last 16-17 years....isn't that "who I am?" I am scared and I wonder what's going to be different this time?

PS) I have knowledge of the program. In Philadelphia I had my own committment, sponsor, homegroup...I still can't find a sponsor here. The hills of West Va. are so different than Philly...that's for sure.

PS2) I feel lost without my wife here too. And jelous to a degree knowing she is drinking and do "whatever"

johndelko408

I bad read your other thread. The only thing I could recommend is to focus on yourself. I know its easier said than done, trust me I know. I'm going through a divorce and its hard for me not to think about my wife and focus on myself. Keep posting on here as well there us a lot of support here and its full of people that can relate to you that can offer experience, strength and hope. Keep your head up, your not in control of her so let go and let God.

FormerSoldier

Today is the first day of the rest of your life! Life is a blessing, and just from you coming on here and posting, makes it sound like you truly want your life back. I try to tell my wife about how one little pill can bring a grown man to his knees, but I'm not sure anyone truly understands until they've walked in the same shoes. It's hard, God knows. I'm getting choked up just reading your post because I feel for you. I don't know you personally, but I do know that you have to want the help in order to get it, and coming here was a good step.

Timebuster

Welcome to the boards ITZMESSEDUP

Whether its Philadelphia or WV, the message is STILL the same. We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

The petty games we play, the bureaucratic manipulations, and betrayal of trust by the disruptive ones are actions that will become apparent AND self-correcting over a period of time. The 'wrongs' are righted with the continual practice of gratitude, love, and dedication found in the spiritual integrity of our Society. As Recovering members of the NA.

1) We work the Steps and practice the Principles for our personal growth.
2) We practice the Traditions and rely on a Higher Power for our common welfare.
3) We support the fellowship through sharing, giving comfort and service.

This is what keeps our spiritual integrity intact so those who experience the pain of betrayal will continue working towards positive solutions.

Good luck
TB

ITZMESSEDUP

Whether its Philadelphia or WV, the message is STILL the same. We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

I understand what you are saying. But, you would have to live here to understand what I am saying. Outsiders don't move here. Soon as I open my mouth they know I'm not from here, and wonder what I am doing here. I feel like a fish out of water. I can say I haven't felt this way in the "rooms" well, not too much anyway. When my son finishes highschool this year, I can sell my house and get out of here. Being clean makes it much harder "living here" for sure.

I have thought so many times that I wish I was back in Philly. It would be easy to deal with everything. truth be told EVERYONE I know if Philly outside of NA gets high on something or drinks. Maybe I'm where I need to be?

Timebuster

ITZMESSEDUP, I wrote this when I frist join Sober Recovery in 2004.

Today, I been going to my home group for six years. the same home group I couldn't stand when I moved to NJ.

Feeling a sense of loss over being unable to live up to some commitment or goal may give us new ideas about failure. Curiosity about what our real boundaries are may replace those 'all or nothing' feelings that are so typical of addicts in active addiction. When we grant ourselves the right to fail when we first take on a goal that may seem be too much for us, we free ourselves of the fear of failure. Clean, we have to learn how to appreciate the courage we show simply by attempting to go beyond any of our old restrictions. Unrealistic expectations are too often just another form of unmanageability for us.

Reacting to the emotions and perceptions of others and how they think we are doing may seem to be a problem. This perception at times however allows us to think things over or to consult others before we take any responsive action. The insight and ability to question our old values is part of our conscious contact with a Higher Power. What was once a cloudy pool of raw emotions and prejudice settles down at some point into a clear stream of awareness for most of us. No longer must we be at the mercy of our old false impressions and undefined perceptions. We have found this to be the keynote of our practical approach to spirituality.

Ego is what blocks us and keeps us from getting the things we want. Whether in the spiritual world or the world of things, we are all bound by spiritual realities that can be learned but must be followed. If we cannot or do not, our dreams and aspirations fail to materialize and we are frustrated. Once we could claim we didn't know better - but it is our own fingerprints on the locks of our chains. We alone hold the key to freedom. By looking to our higher power and surrendering our incessant need to control, we see the way open to us. There are others to talk to and some may comfort, encourage or even explain things to us but it is our surrender - our alone - that makes the locks fall away, loosening our chains until they are only a memory.

Once again....Good luck
TB

Gmoney

I was taught that the nature of an addict is to use, but once we get into recovery we also learn that we no longer have to act on thoughts of using. We learn that we are given a choice...a choice to either go back to our familiar misery, or do something different. As TB said so well, our ability to do something different is directly connected with our desire to stay clean and our willingness to surrender. As the oldtimers used to ask, "Are you willing to do to any lengths?" And I'm sure most will agree that, to stay clean, we'll be required to do some things we simply don't want to do.

Knowing the program is great, but knowledge alone never kept me clean.

TheRabbit

@OP , From what I can ascertain from your posts , it sounds like you may have finally hit your bottom like many of us here did. I was in out of rehabs , detox , self help , books , cold turkey , religion etc , all of it for years with zero success really. Just like you , I'd get some time under my belt and then willingly let it all fall to pieces. I also smoked and drank during these times and being a heavy alcoholic and an opiate addict , i'd get clean from one and abuse the other. Or if I managed to get clean from both , it seemed like the alcohol would always creep its way back into my life and then unleash the dope demons. I tried to move across the country blaming my addiction on the environment i was in , but i ended up just bringing it all with me. Towards the end I wanted so bad to quit , to be done with it all , but I was just too sick when i stopped , and too embarrassed and stubborn to ask for help. For me , it took losing everything i had at the time , a couple of ambulance rides , and residential treatment before I was really able to face reality. I can say at least now , when I have those 'just one more' thoughts , theyre immediately accompanied by a million thoughts of all the bs* pain and misery that went along with em. And then I'm leveled and humbled all in the same moment and continue on.

ITZMESSEDUP

Thank you for the comments. I am not sure what happened the past couple days but I have thought to myself that I really need to quit obsessing and worrying about what's wrong with my wife and get right with myself. If not for her, for myself and whoever might come into my life in the future. It really is a scarey thought and I have realized that I have been very selfish at times (surprise) I have thoughts and feelings now that I haven't had in a VERY LONG TIME!!!

I see a counselor once a week and tomorrow will be the first time I mainly "talk about what's wrong with me" wont he be surprised! Thanks again for the comments!