timeforanewlife

It takes more than you will ever know to write this, to have found this site and reach out for help. Some of it you may relate to, some you may not but any advice will be welcome and appreciated. Downing and the hard nose doesn't work with me, just makes me defensive.

I am a 26 year old female with 2 children that my parents have custody of. I have severe health issues and have been covering my addiction with these for 3 years now. I have had several surgeries and had narcotic pain killers thrown at me throughout. Granted, I have issues with pain, but I have become dependent on these pills. According to my research, I am dependent, not addicted. I have never bought off the street nor will I. I have been on lortab, percocet, and most recently dilaudid while I await surgery. I have tried to be tapered off the drugs before but to no avail because I had to have another procedure. Right now I am facing another surgery and am on 4mg dilaudid pills. My neurologist gives me 13 pills of 8mg dilaudid per month for narcotic rescue for severe migraines. My 4mg dilaudid pills are for severe endometriosis; I have already had a hysterectomy and multiple abdominal surgeries and am facing another major surgery to clean out the endometriosis and remove my last ovary.

These pills are now controlling my life. I have started snorting them so they work faster and have to take more than the label says for relief. Currently I am taking about 10 pills a day. When I don't have pills, I have to go to the emergency room to try to get more because I get very anxious, shaky, cry and feel like I have the flu. I cannot go more than one day without the pills. I am tired of living this way. I need to be able to get my kids back and raise them without a pill dependency. I have found also that I like the way the pills make me feel- I am happier, more energetic, more active when I am on them so when I have a bad day I take an extra few pills. I DO NOT want to live this way anymore. I am on antidepressants but the narcotics seem to be an instant fix. The pills dominate my thinking and I cannot enjoy my life. I am constantly counting how many I have left in my head, arguing with myself about how many I can take a day, dreading when I will be out, etc. I wake up thinking about them and go to bed thinking about them. Not to mention I smoke like a chimney when on them and am spending quite a bit of money on cigaretted because of it- I don't smoke at all when not on pills. I'm sure my lungs are black and my liver is crying- I want to be able to live a long life for my children.

Any advice would be helpful on how, after I'm finished with my surgeries, to get off these evil drugs once and for all. Thank you for listening and understanding.

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!!

I would highly recommend you talk to your doctors about getting off the pain pills, after surgery. Not many people successfully taper down...when the withdrawals start, they want relief, and that usually comes with taking a pill.

There are people, here, who have chronic pain issues, and there's even a forum for it, so you're not alone. It's good that you realize you have a problem, and are reaching out.

Recovery is more than just stopping the pills..we have to learn to live life without wanting to pick up again, and that takes time, but there are a lot of people here who have been through it, are going through it, etc., to walk this path with you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

timeforanewlife

Thanks Amy. Reaching out for help with this is the scariest thing I have EVER done. It just seems to me that it's gotten way out of hand and has taken over my life... but I'm also scared of the pain and depression without the pills... I feel so lost...

glitter

Welcome time. I just want you to know that you are not alone. I would like to comment on something you said....

This can be true, but given what you say in what I quote you saying below - I think - says something much different....

An addict has a physical dependence as well an emotional/psychological dependence on the drug. The classic behavior you describe in this quote is that of an addict. It's the EXACT behavior that I had to learn how to change when it came to my drug of choice (percocet, norco, vicodin). Please don't take me the wrong way....addiction is NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. It is a legitimate medical condition that is amendable to treatment.

I deeply empathize with your feelings of wanting to STOP. The ONLY way I could do it was to get myself into a situation that finally forced me to seek the help I so desperatly needed. I think I created my own "bottom." Even though I tried and tried too many times to count on my own willpower, it never, ever worked until I told someone and sought treatment.

I do not suffer from chronic pain (chronic emotional pain, yes, but chronic physical pain, no) so I can't even imagine how much harder this makes it for you.

I feel for you. You have taken a great first step by posting to this website. I am in no position to advise you where to go from here, but maybe after your next surgery you can have a plan in place to get help with a recovery center?

All the best. xoxo

glitter

I just want to put this out there as well....

My personal physician admittedly knows very little about addiction or the treatment of addiction. However, she helped me tremendously in the very beginning of my bottom when I admitted to her that I was an addict and needed help. She put me out on medical leave from work so I could concentrate on finding the doctor/treatment center that could help me.

Sadly, the surgeons/physicians in the hospital aren't going to help you. I think the only thing in a hospital setting that could be helpful is a psychiatric eval by a psychiatrist and then that psychiatrist following up with you on an outpatient basis. But in my experience this rarely, if ever happens in the hospital (I'm an RN).

It is also very likely that a personal physician doesn't have a clue about the first thing to do. As a matter of fact many doctors are just the opposite of helpful and either try a taper or cold turkey approach. It's pathetic what the medical community does not know about recovery.

If you can I would highly, highly recommend phoning a treatment center just to get an idea of what your options may be. You can also call a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction NOW to set up an appointment. It can take some time to get in to see one, so calling before your surgery would be good. Both of these options can help you with so much! Including the dreaded withdrawal off opiates.

timeforanewlife

I wish I knew where to look... I tried once to reach out for help at a hospital and they made me feel so dirty and horrible about myself that as soon as I got out I reached for pills again. Not to mention there was not much evaluation or counseling, just some meds to take the edge off the withdrawals, which didn't help much. And they thought I was using my health issues as a cover, even though they reviewed my medical history. I'm so angry that I've been put in this situation by doctors, and myself, but the drs don't know how to help me rectify the situation an obviously I cannot continue to live like this. Argh!

timeforanewlife

I'll try some of those resources, thanks for looking them up for me. I tried calling NA once, and she scared me and made me feel weird, talking about "getting loaded" and other slang I didn't understand... it really upset me and made me not want to get help... and in the mental hospital the way the na rep was talking made me feel uncomfortable too, asking me if I'd ever hurt myself to get pills, and when I said no, he said oh, you will... I have enough health issues, I don't have to hurt myself and him assuming that really upset me as well... at that point I just felt like no one understood how I was feeling...

timeforanewlife

I think I could really use some friends in my situtation that I could call when I feel down or feel like taking extra pills, because those not in my situation do NOT understand... I have eliminated those of my friends who are drug friendly because I tried asking them what to do and they just offered me other drugs. and my other friends that I'm close with don't understand at all, they just tell me don't do it, stay strong, and it's not that easy...

glitter

It's really too bad that you've had uncomfortable experiences with NA. It IS different for some of us who take painkillers as our drug of choice than it is for others who use narcotics like heroin. I don't think I've ever been "loaded" on my percocet or norco. When I started taking it I LOVED the feeling of euphoria it provided. I never really took enough to get really loaded, just enough to bear life in a falsly happy state. Eventually I just didn't get that euphoric feeling anymore and HAD to take the drugs just to feel normal or to avoid withdrawal.

But I get what you're saying about the slang. It took me a little while to figure out what many terms meant! LOL!

The very first NA meeting I went to was a small one that was held in the community center of a park in my neighborhood. I'm not really a shy person and I wasn't afraid or anything. I introduced myself to the secretary and told him it was my very first meeting ever. He invited me to take some literature and have a seat to just listen. I did introduce myself as a newcomer to the 10-12 people who were there when the time came. They gave me a keychain!

As people shared I began to feel a little bit of a connection. It wasn't about the drugs, it was about behaviors and ways of thinking that I related right away to. It was somewhat of a relief that evening. After that, I started to check out different meetings and I found a wonderful homegroup where I found my sponsor.

It might be an option for you and be different if you show up at a meeting and just listen. You NEVER have to say anything at a meeting (although some who notice that you're new might want to welcome you).

I will have 5 months clean on Thursday. Outside of treatment, meetings were my lifeline at first (both NA and AA) and still are to a great extent. I would go to multiple meetings a day if I needed to at first and it REALLY helped with the obsession to use (my record is 4 meeting in one day!). It helped me get out of my own head - which was a HUGE problem for me.

I don't know anyone who works an NA phoneline, but maybe they ask about hurting oneself just in case someone is suicidal (it's not that uncommon). I don't know.

Zencat

Hi Timeforanewlife

I know what its like to plan my life around drugs. The pill counting, the desperation being without the pills...it was madding alright.

In order to get my recovery going I had to be honest with my doctor(s) with my problem. I don't think its good idea to keep the person that is prescribing the pills in the dark. That just leaves the door open to abandon recovery and continue on that miserable road of suffering with addiction (dependency or abuse is a part of the diagnosis of addiction). Another helpful thing for me was being honest with my family and supportive friends. One of the more nasty parts of addiction for me was the deceit I was trying to play on those that loved me. The thing is everybody around me knew I was abusing my meds. I was only fooling myself thinking I was hiding my medication misuse.

A recovery plan of action with the the determination to carry it out is what got me out of that living hell I was in with addiction. No it is not easy, In fact it can be one of the most challenging tasks a person will ever face...doing everything it takes to be free from the chains of addiction.

Continuing to post here at SR, sharing your story of recovery, seeking and giving support is a great start.

meditation

That's how I got addicted thru multiple surgeries. I am not blaming the doctor though. I should spoke up when I knew I was having problems. It is possible to get off those drugs. It is possible to live with pain and not have to take narcotics.
There's help for it, lots of detox facilities, rehabs, talking to your doctor about this to help you get off them. I found that my pain was not as bad as I thought once I was off the pills. Hope you can stop the cycle. It's horrible to be a "slave" to those drugs.

windysan

I'm not a 12 Stepper. I do it all alone. So utterly alone. LOL. But seriously, you don't have to have any particular "program" and you don't have to be "spiritual"(religious). Get off the dope and stay off the dope. Pretty easy actually. Now I don't get involved in the pain/dope thing all that much. I've had my share of pain and still do but I don't do dope. Nope to dope.

Onewithwings

I got addicted to my Ritalin when I was a kid, and started taking more and more of it. Then I got rid of it, and it sucked so bad I took to drinking to take the pain away. Then I had a surgery and discovered that this morphine stuff was WAY better than alcohol...

Anyway, my point is, whether it started at the doctor's office or not, it's an addiction. I used to take away the pain, and to feel good. Sometimes I would confuse emotional pain with physical pain. You can feel it so hard, and it's so real. When the doctors told me my daughter hadn't survived her birth, I felt it like a punch in the gut. The pain was emotional, but I felt it physically.

Nothing so dramatic needs to happen for us to feel that way. Depression hurts. From what it sounds like, your legitimate physical pain, which can be managed, somehow, either with meds or without, but that pain you feel when you can't get the next dose, it isn't just physical, is it? It is the emotional pain those of us with addictions know so well...

I personally chose to work a program. NA has proven itself time and time again in the lives of addicts. (That can be a hard word to say about ourselves... addict. It feels so dirty at first. But there is no shame in being an addict if we seek help for it.)

I hope you find something in this helpful. It helps when we can relate to what others are saying. Maybe it will give you the courage to walk in to a meeting. The worst that will happen is you decide it's not for you and don't come back. It's not like they make you stay once you're there-- it's all up to you!

MelissaNoDrugs

I read stuff like this every day. People suffering pain. Then they go to their doctor who shuffles them along the narcotics highway. All brought to you by the pharmaceutical giants who are the cartel. The doctors are the dealers who endorse the drug industry. Its a multi billion dollar industry all legal all "moral."

It begs the question, where did all this "pain" suddenly come from? People have suffered pain for thousands of years. They managed. Suddenly doctors are prescribing serious narcotics to all people whereas it used to be only the very sick and dying.

There are no answers in pills or any drugs for that matter. They only lead to problems more serious than the pain itself.

And there's no difference between a street dealer and a Phd in a white coat with a stethascope.

tsmba

PhD's cannot prescribe meds, but I understand your point....and reject it. I've never viewed doctors or drugs as being evil in a general sense. Sure, there are bad apples, but the vast majority are not.

Impurrfect

I was a nurse when I began abusing opiates. As a result, I'm no longer a nurse. Back when I thought about trying to get my license renewed, a requirement was that I had it documented, with every doctor/dentist that I told them I'm a recovering addict.

I did that, and even though I've had to have pain meds, on occasion, I was given just enough for the pain, tapered down quickly, and released with Motrin. The doctor I have now..the first time I met him I said "I'm an RA, though I abused the he!! out of opiates, I quit them cold turkey with no withdrawals. My DOC is crack, and because I do still have occasional pain from rupturing a disc in my back, I do NOT want you giving me anything with frequent refills, if I ask for something, ask me WTF is going on!"

He is awesome. He takes time to talk to me, has asked me things about addiction, and he doesn't play. When I got pistol-whipped in a robbery at work, HE is the one that helped me with the PTSD, as workmen's comp doesn't "deal with that". When I developed migraines from getting whacked on the head, I was sent to a neurologist, and I told him "I'm an RA, I don't want opiates". He got a huge grin on his face and said "good, because you're not going to get them from me".

Yes, there are doctors that will just keep throwing pills at you, but I've found that when I'm honest, I've been treated well, even in the ER of a hospital I used to work at. It was very humbling to tell a former coworker that I'd descending into crack he!!, but she showed nothing but compassion.

Glitter gave you some great places to start. I found that when I said "I need help" and was willing to accept that help, and do what was recommended, I got the help.

I've been to meetings, don't go any more but I still use what I learned there. I get a LOT of support, here at SR, and from family and friends. Different things work for different people, but the important thing is, when you really want recovery, you'll find it.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy