WantMyselfBack

that was the longest i've ever been clean ever since first touching an opiate. That was my either my third of fourth time trying, i dunno...you start to lose count after a while. It's funny because the only reason why i was clean in the first place was because my dealer was dry...that alone should've told me that i would relapse.

anyway, i've been using for two weeks consecutively now and am high as i am posting this. my dealer ran out again, so im forced to take a tolerance break (its sad that thats the way i see it....a tolerance break).

Last night i wanted to kill myself. Realized how horrible school was going, as soon as i walked into my job my bosses had a talk with me about something i didn't even do and it ruined my mood because i am just about the only employee who actually does what im supposed to do and more there. apparently a bunch of women who work there who complain all the time and barely even do the bare minimum of their job talked to the manager about me and how i did a bad job closing the restaurant the previous night, when one of those same girls who talked bad about me said my job was done and it was okay for me to leave. the managers took this seriously and even talked to me about it even though they KNOW i do the most work in that stupid fukking place. im just not as "in" and social as all of the other employees so im not as liked as everyone else there. fukk them to hell i swear to god.

Then I tried socializing with people after work (at the mall) and people were intimidated of me as usual because i am big and black. on top of that, i am a drug addicted rap artist, so all odds are against me and it doesn't seem like anyone ever gives me a chance which contributes to my use. this happens everywhere, at school also. i snort pills by myself in my room to detach myself from my problems and the society that i hate. people have preconceived notions about me all the time and put up their guard which makes it hard for them to connect with me, when really i am completely open. i can't even talk about my social problems to most people because they just think im complaining about racism or actually reverse it saying that IM the racist for bringing it up, but if it's happened to me for this long how would i not notice it? Then i saw my friends (a guy and his gf) and she wouldn't stop hitting on me in front of him and it was uncomfortable. this is how i lose a lot of my friends and its happened too many times in the past. i know that the fact that other people think this way is their own personal problem and i shouldn't really worry about it, but i do because it affects me so greatly and i actually care about society and made my future profession something that helps society.

i'm a very talented and deep person, but most people will never get to see that side of me. Discrimination, racism, prejudice, and all that makes me want to hit my head on a brick wall until it busts because it pisses me off so much, and the fact that it has so much impact in my social interaction makes me want to just give up and turn to drugs and say "fukk people".

doggonecarl

"i'm a very talented and deep person, but most people will never get to see that side of me."

They won't if you keep snorting painkillers. Drugs kill talent and mask the true person you are. You sound in pain but you know addiction isn't the way to go. Get clean and let the true light of yourself shine through.

WantMyselfBack

correct, but they sure help me cope lol. I get to a point often where i no longer care about people seeing that side of me because i always waste my time and put in a lot of effort to show it or just try to befriend others just to get rejected.

Dee74

You'll find a lot of support here if you want to get clean, and stay that way, WMB...but it's up to you to get the ball rolling...

D

WantMyselfBack

thanks Dee.

im curious if there is anyone else that uses due to their social positions?

Dee74

You mean because of your life, or because of your rap career?

I was an alcoholic but I drank for both - I felt my life sucked, and it was encouraged in my career...I was a musician.

My life sucked but it sucked because of the bad choices I made WMB.

I had a crappy day job working with people I didn't like so I had a crappy attitude and a buttload of resentment and anger.

I could have found a better job, I could have tried to find the good in my coworkers, I could worked on what I could change and worked my attitude, I could have found healthier positive ways to work off that stress and resentment...but I drank.

I could have seen that my addiction was actually harming my career and costing me contacts and gigs, but I didn't, and I lost my career.

It was all down to me WMB, not my life.

D

WantMyselfBack

i wanted to know if anyones use stemmed from their negative views on society or inabilty to interact or anything along those lines, but what kind of musician are you?

i loved my job up until recently. i enjoyed the positive social interaction i got from being a server, although there are always exceptions. it made me happy until that day when those women opened their mouth. not talking to many of my employees wa fine with me, but when they try to ruin my reputation and get the managers to view me as lazy and unhelpful, there is a problem.

and i have plenty of positive methods to cope, like writing poetry, playing piano, working out, but the amount of anger inside of me is so great that none of those outlets are able to help me i feel, the anger is just too much.

when i care so much about society and just see it getting worse, especially on an interpersonal level, i just give up all hope in everything.

Dee74

I used to play bass professionally....sometimes in an original band but more often blues or covers

I think there are better ways to deal with anger and views on society etc.
Have you tried any kind of counselling?

It's also worth mentioning that my views on society and people at large have totally changed since I got sober - dunno about you but I found being addicted really skewed my perspective, in a bad way.

D

WantMyselfBack

my views on society are pretty much the same as before i was addicted. What did your views change from?

i've had several psychologists in the past that i did not like but that was before i was even addicted. i would like to talk to someone about it regularly but i've been searching up and down for an NA in my area for DAYS, and i guess they just dont like my area.

i cant talk to anyone i know in real life about it for obvious reasons, which is why im here.

Dee74

I had a very dark view of people and of the world in general.

I felt I'd been generally used and abused, but like I said above I realise now a lot of that was either my poor attitude or my poor reactions to whatever happened.

I had bad stuff happen that I contributed to - a lot - it would be wrong of me not to admit that.

I had other stuff that was not my fault for sure - but I let it own me, and I let it feed my addiction.

I know you'll find a lot of support and encouragement to get clean here - keep posting WMB

D

kdr143

my brother is very talented rapper..........something he worked on and got better and better sitting in jail...........he actually has made money and is pretty famous in a small redneck town he's white and gets alot of fuss about rapping but he takes it.....it doesn't bother him.......he's turned his life around and now the ppl that was dissing him is listening to his cds. a group of boys was sitting at sonic bumping it these boys was the ones that called him a wannabe gangsa and all kind of horrible names.
I hope you get some help the ppl hear are great and we will take you in....we love you for who you are mistakes and all.