feel like I'm completely disappearing
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 5
feel like I'm completely disappearing
I'm sorry if I'm putting this in the wrong place, or on wrong site for that matter, but I feel like I need to publicly say things or I'm going to explode.
I'm in my mid 30s, and a couple of years ago, I decided it would be a great idea to go back to grad school. I had a good enough job that paid well, but I was losing my motivation and things got dull. So, here I am, in my third year of a three year program. And yet again, I feel like I've almost completely lost all motivation.
I got a DUI this spring. Being back in school again, there are LOTS of social scenarios that enable/encourage drinking. We will commonly go to the bar after studio classes with professors. They themselves don't drink to excess, but more than any other academic/professional setting I've ever been in, there is a focus on alcohol.
I hold myself completely responsible for my DUI-I could have hurt other people and/or myself, damaged my car/other property, etc., but thankfully none of this happened. What has happened, though, is the overwhelming feeling that nothing I do in school matters because I feel like nobody will hire me now that I have the DUI. Before going back to school, I mainly worked at environmental engineering firms where we would have to drive somewhat regularly to project sites, etc. While I'm in school for something slightly different, I'm still likely to work at a firm where employees will be expected to drive.
I'm in a total funk. I got convicted on Monday. But even before, I felt such dread, anxiety, and lack of motivation, feeling like no matter how well I do in school (I am a good student, pretty well regarded by professors/other students in the program), it won't matter because I'll be unhirable, especially with the down economy.
I've been drinking more and smoking pot to try to get out from under these feelings (even though they of course continue). I feel like everyone is "passing me by" in school because of my lack of motivation. I keep waiting to snap out of it, but that isn't happening.
I feel like the more I worry, the more anxiety and depression I feel, the more likely I am to want to drink, which puts me even further behind. Although I haven't messed anything up yet school-wise (I did almost get suspended because the campus PD found out about the DUI), I feel like that's just around the corner if my lack of motivation keeps up.
I don't know what I'm expecting from posting this-I just feel like I have very few people to talk with about these feelings. Every morning, I wake up with a sense of dread. I'm in terrible debt with student loans and credit cards, and I feel like I've ruined my chances of improving myself, my life, and career by going back to school. I feel like I've basically wasted what I used to have, and that there's no turning back.
So to recap:
1. feeling depressed, very anxious, very worried almost all the time, especially in the morning/middle of the night,
2. this is nearly all attributable to my DUI and fear of its repercussions-never getting a good job, stay in debt forever, etc.
3. can't focus on school/work as a result-feel like there's no point (even though rationally I know this is stupid)
4. feel like I've "lost something," that I'll never be the same again
How's that for a Sunday morning pep talk?
I'm in my mid 30s, and a couple of years ago, I decided it would be a great idea to go back to grad school. I had a good enough job that paid well, but I was losing my motivation and things got dull. So, here I am, in my third year of a three year program. And yet again, I feel like I've almost completely lost all motivation.
I got a DUI this spring. Being back in school again, there are LOTS of social scenarios that enable/encourage drinking. We will commonly go to the bar after studio classes with professors. They themselves don't drink to excess, but more than any other academic/professional setting I've ever been in, there is a focus on alcohol.
I hold myself completely responsible for my DUI-I could have hurt other people and/or myself, damaged my car/other property, etc., but thankfully none of this happened. What has happened, though, is the overwhelming feeling that nothing I do in school matters because I feel like nobody will hire me now that I have the DUI. Before going back to school, I mainly worked at environmental engineering firms where we would have to drive somewhat regularly to project sites, etc. While I'm in school for something slightly different, I'm still likely to work at a firm where employees will be expected to drive.
I'm in a total funk. I got convicted on Monday. But even before, I felt such dread, anxiety, and lack of motivation, feeling like no matter how well I do in school (I am a good student, pretty well regarded by professors/other students in the program), it won't matter because I'll be unhirable, especially with the down economy.
I've been drinking more and smoking pot to try to get out from under these feelings (even though they of course continue). I feel like everyone is "passing me by" in school because of my lack of motivation. I keep waiting to snap out of it, but that isn't happening.
I feel like the more I worry, the more anxiety and depression I feel, the more likely I am to want to drink, which puts me even further behind. Although I haven't messed anything up yet school-wise (I did almost get suspended because the campus PD found out about the DUI), I feel like that's just around the corner if my lack of motivation keeps up.
I don't know what I'm expecting from posting this-I just feel like I have very few people to talk with about these feelings. Every morning, I wake up with a sense of dread. I'm in terrible debt with student loans and credit cards, and I feel like I've ruined my chances of improving myself, my life, and career by going back to school. I feel like I've basically wasted what I used to have, and that there's no turning back.
So to recap:
1. feeling depressed, very anxious, very worried almost all the time, especially in the morning/middle of the night,
2. this is nearly all attributable to my DUI and fear of its repercussions-never getting a good job, stay in debt forever, etc.
3. can't focus on school/work as a result-feel like there's no point (even though rationally I know this is stupid)
4. feel like I've "lost something," that I'll never be the same again
How's that for a Sunday morning pep talk?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Well, the DUI could have saved you from further drunk driving and disastrous consequences.
Most states allow for driving required for work and while things may be more difficult for awhile I really don't see a DUI as ruining your career.
I used to work oil and gas lines and we had all sorts of professions..from landmen to environmental to construction. I know some of those folks liked to drink and had had a DUI.
Many of those are independent contractors also and that may be an avenue for you.
AND you haven't messed up my Sunday morning.
Most states allow for driving required for work and while things may be more difficult for awhile I really don't see a DUI as ruining your career.
I used to work oil and gas lines and we had all sorts of professions..from landmen to environmental to construction. I know some of those folks liked to drink and had had a DUI.
Many of those are independent contractors also and that may be an avenue for you.
AND you haven't messed up my Sunday morning.
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Hey Leo,
You've got a lot going on, that in itself has to be stressful. I think there are somethings you might be able to do to make things a little easier on yourself. I get a very strong impression that you're someone who worries a lot about the future, right?
Thinking about the future isn't a bad thing, that's how we get into schools, find jobs, everything. But done in improperly it can hurt us a lot. It pays to think about your future career, but you're worrying about a job market when you haven't even graduated. Worried about your DUI holding you down and you haven't applied. I guess what I am saying is you're worrying about stuff that you don't have a lot of facts about because it's not their time. That is bad worrying, the fear of the unknown.
I think at the moment your immediate needs in school should be occupying your thoughts: papers, projects, etc. If you forget about those immediate things it could very well cause the things you fear to happen. My suggestion is if you catch yourself worrying about what'll be (I like the term "future tripping") just keep pulling yourself back into the present at hand. The future wont be affected by how you're thinking about it now, but by what you do now.
Are you getting any sort of counseling or therapy? If not, I highly recommend looking into it. You're in school so I would think there is a free service available you can use. Talk therapy can do wonders because therapists are professionally trained to help you settle your thoughts and put them in order.
And don't be sure you've ruined your life. I have massive debts of my own, two DUIs, I nearly wound up homeless and made a wreck of my professional credentials, but I'm finding it isn't impossible for me to move on. It's taking a lot of work and not going as fast as I wish it would, but I am rebuilding and hopeful for my future ahead. So just take care of today.
And glad you came here to share. I think this is the forum, and this a good site. Bottling stuff up just puts you in a constant state of agitation.
-Isaiah
You've got a lot going on, that in itself has to be stressful. I think there are somethings you might be able to do to make things a little easier on yourself. I get a very strong impression that you're someone who worries a lot about the future, right?
Thinking about the future isn't a bad thing, that's how we get into schools, find jobs, everything. But done in improperly it can hurt us a lot. It pays to think about your future career, but you're worrying about a job market when you haven't even graduated. Worried about your DUI holding you down and you haven't applied. I guess what I am saying is you're worrying about stuff that you don't have a lot of facts about because it's not their time. That is bad worrying, the fear of the unknown.
I think at the moment your immediate needs in school should be occupying your thoughts: papers, projects, etc. If you forget about those immediate things it could very well cause the things you fear to happen. My suggestion is if you catch yourself worrying about what'll be (I like the term "future tripping") just keep pulling yourself back into the present at hand. The future wont be affected by how you're thinking about it now, but by what you do now.
Are you getting any sort of counseling or therapy? If not, I highly recommend looking into it. You're in school so I would think there is a free service available you can use. Talk therapy can do wonders because therapists are professionally trained to help you settle your thoughts and put them in order.
And don't be sure you've ruined your life. I have massive debts of my own, two DUIs, I nearly wound up homeless and made a wreck of my professional credentials, but I'm finding it isn't impossible for me to move on. It's taking a lot of work and not going as fast as I wish it would, but I am rebuilding and hopeful for my future ahead. So just take care of today.
And glad you came here to share. I think this is the forum, and this a good site. Bottling stuff up just puts you in a constant state of agitation.
-Isaiah
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Hey Leo,
You have a lot on your plate right now. It sounds from your post as if depression has been an issue for a while with you. Maybe seek some counseling and perhaps a visit to your GP is in order.
Drinking has consequences in all areas of your life as you have discovered. A Dui is awful to go through. Drinking more will not make it go away. Your life is far from over. If handled properly, you can grow from this experience. Learn your lesson, face your problems, and move on. Maybe this was your wake-up call. I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.
Where there is a will there is a way! I think you need some help in realizing what an intelligent and successful person you are. Start loving yourself! Pick yourself up and get some help so you can have the life you we meant to.
My Best Wishes To You
You have a lot on your plate right now. It sounds from your post as if depression has been an issue for a while with you. Maybe seek some counseling and perhaps a visit to your GP is in order.
Drinking has consequences in all areas of your life as you have discovered. A Dui is awful to go through. Drinking more will not make it go away. Your life is far from over. If handled properly, you can grow from this experience. Learn your lesson, face your problems, and move on. Maybe this was your wake-up call. I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.
Where there is a will there is a way! I think you need some help in realizing what an intelligent and successful person you are. Start loving yourself! Pick yourself up and get some help so you can have the life you we meant to.
My Best Wishes To You
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
Dear Leo,
I was charged with a DUI January 21 2010...I quit drinking January 25,2010....my court date isn't until the summer....I worry about the outcome, but just don't let myself be overcome by it...I live for today...and enjoy what TODAY has to offer....there's no sense in worrying about things that just haven't happened...I know its hard but drinking will only add to the anxiety and depression...if you can get outside and spend time in nature...appreciate the beauty...do things that you enjoy....maybe try meditation....and counselling helps.....
I know my DUI came as a blessing in disguise....I have turned my life around.....if I hadn't experienced that I wouldn't be the person I am today.... the person I'm really meant to be...
Your life is waiting for you......go get it!!
xo
I was charged with a DUI January 21 2010...I quit drinking January 25,2010....my court date isn't until the summer....I worry about the outcome, but just don't let myself be overcome by it...I live for today...and enjoy what TODAY has to offer....there's no sense in worrying about things that just haven't happened...I know its hard but drinking will only add to the anxiety and depression...if you can get outside and spend time in nature...appreciate the beauty...do things that you enjoy....maybe try meditation....and counselling helps.....
I know my DUI came as a blessing in disguise....I have turned my life around.....if I hadn't experienced that I wouldn't be the person I am today.... the person I'm really meant to be...
Your life is waiting for you......go get it!!
xo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 5
Thank you very much for the encouraging words, everyone. It is truly great to know that no matter what, somewhere out there is someone willing to listen to you.
Isaiah, I am definitely predisposed to worrying a lot about things in general, especially the future these days. I think that I also worry a lot about things that I can't change, and fear of the unknown (which is something I can't change, or at least know what I have to do to influence some kind of change).
What I struggle with a lot is drawing the line between reasonable worry and unreasonable worry. While I feel like I do have legit reasons to worry, I know that I tend to take those worries over the top, and expect every worst case scenario to happen, regardless of how realistic that is. I guess I just feel especially vulnerable these days with being in school/without a job, and my DUI. Man. If only I could go back in time and change that-how stupid!
I am going to go ahead and see a therapist again at the University, which I did soon after getting the DUI. She helped me when the school's administration was threatening to suspend me (even though the DUI happened over a school holiday far away from school).
Isaiah, I am definitely predisposed to worrying a lot about things in general, especially the future these days. I think that I also worry a lot about things that I can't change, and fear of the unknown (which is something I can't change, or at least know what I have to do to influence some kind of change).
What I struggle with a lot is drawing the line between reasonable worry and unreasonable worry. While I feel like I do have legit reasons to worry, I know that I tend to take those worries over the top, and expect every worst case scenario to happen, regardless of how realistic that is. I guess I just feel especially vulnerable these days with being in school/without a job, and my DUI. Man. If only I could go back in time and change that-how stupid!
I am going to go ahead and see a therapist again at the University, which I did soon after getting the DUI. She helped me when the school's administration was threatening to suspend me (even though the DUI happened over a school holiday far away from school).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
Hi Leo,
Without a doubt you have LOTS on your plate ((BIG HUGS)) my counsellor once said to me it's not what is happening in your life...it's how you react to it....that really matters... that made sense to me....and kinda put things in perspective...If I let myself, I could very easily slip into major anxiety about my court case...I just don't let myself go there... glad you are going to see a therapist again.....be kind to yourself...
Without a doubt you have LOTS on your plate ((BIG HUGS)) my counsellor once said to me it's not what is happening in your life...it's how you react to it....that really matters... that made sense to me....and kinda put things in perspective...If I let myself, I could very easily slip into major anxiety about my court case...I just don't let myself go there... glad you are going to see a therapist again.....be kind to yourself...
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