Tealvertigo

So I just got a new Psychologist, and he took a look at records of my history and determined that I have OCD. Past counselors explored it but they never diagnosed me. I never really told them that I used to wash my hands until they bled, become overwhelmed at the thought of going out to eat due to fear of food poisoning, and locking myself in my bedroom for fear of natural disasters and such. It was thought I simply had OCD, but after looking at the records of childhood therapists, my new counselor came to the conclusion that the stigma from this behavior was so traumatic to me that I probably blocked it, which I agree with.

I feel like I am going to bawl or something. I feel tremendously guilty for everything I put my family through, and it's unbearable. I also feel like I am weaker than I am, despite doing well in a lot of important things (work, school, social, etc.). I have felt this way the whole week and it has been incredibly painful.

I don't even feel worthy of being treated like a normal human being. When people are nice to me and try to understand, I dismiss it because I feel pathetic. Furthermore, I have little faith that I'll get better because I don't even know where to start.

I keep thinking of my sister who has always been there for me, and has always loved me. In the meantime, I always had crap on my mind and I was always panicking about everything. I remember her crying because my obsessions were so intense that, out of desperation, I felt completely willing to die to get out of it. I don't ever want to see her cry like that again. I feel like a monster.

glitterfairy

Its a big step in the right direction, having a diagnosis that makes sense. I have friends and family members with OCD and with the right treatment you wouldn't even know they have it.
You are just as deserving of love and support as anyone. Why do you feel undeserving?

I think you should start at the beginning, follow the guidance of your phsychologist. The more you learn about OCD the more you can teach those around you, and with knowledge comes understanding and acceptance. You are NOT a monster!

Tealvertigo

Thanks much, though I feel responsible for my family's worrying. I am also pretty intimidated by the fact that I don't know what to do.