Isaiah

Still trying to break the habit of pushing good things away when I'm having problems with stress and moods. Hard to do because it's completely done without conscious thoughts. I don't think about doing it at all, it's all just emotions, emotions, emotions...

If this person or this therapy isn't making me feel good now, then either they/it or I must be bad. That's the standard criteria for my illness; it makes sense.

Problem is, like recovery from alcohol, knowing what the problem is isn't even close to enough. It's about making changes and keeping vigilance. I can't keep figuring out my mistakes in hindsight.

I can see how I had been pushing for a while now, and it wasn't sending out alarm bells as it should've been. I pushed away too many people, and that's the worst trigger in the world for me.

Isaiah

That was perfect to hear, thanks.

One of the things that I'm learning to avoid is waiting too long for a great revelation to come as to why I do the things I do, but just change things I want to change. Even though I have been satisfied with my diagnosis for years and have read every piece of literature on it, the way I act baffles me.

I think I am still wrapped up in the old stereotype of laying on a couch talking about my life until there's some "Eureka!" moment, I discover the kernel of my inner pain, and I'm cured. Like until I come to the source of my problems I'll not get anywhere. Truth I'm finding out is mental health is like chemical addiction, it's not about figuring out "why I am I like this?" But just making changes in your life.

Getting a personality disorder diagnosis is evidently difficult. I was told I was bipolar for my first year in therapy. When I finally asked why (I've never had anything like a manic episode) they finally told me, "we just need to give you something so we can legally treat you."

Isaiah

Every time I've gone into a hospital or therapist or whatnot I've gotten a quick diagnosis. Usually they just say "major depression" with me. I realize it's protocol and all, but it is kind of frustrating no less.

I know how things come and go. I thought I'd gotten past the problems I had in my teens and early twenties, but I think a combination of alcohol and a series of major losses in my life brought my borderline back. But it at least gives me hope that I had control over my issues when I had better control over my life. Something to hope for in longer sobriety for me.