Constructed Denial Leads To No Humanity
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Constructed Denial Leads To No Humanity
I haven't been around for a couple of months but something happened today that had me running straight back to SR.
Today I met with my mother (co-alcoholic) for our fortnightly hourly get-together. She brought the topic of conversation around to my dead alcoholic father and the fact that he was ill and in no way to blame for what happened in my childhood.
She caught me unawares (for which I feel so immensely grateful) and for the first time in my life I gave her my truthful, honest, brutal opinions. I spoke from my heart, from the very core of my being. I said NO loudly and clearly to the carefully constructed denial that has permeated my life since birth.
In short I (timid, polite, correct me) told her:
She and Dad should never have had children
She should have got a job and removed us from the alcoholic violence, neglect and madness
They had failed as parents
She should have put her children first
My childhood was crap
As parents, they had damaged both their children causing years of psychological illness
Whooee..... all my pent-up, stuffed down, unspoken beliefs and feelings about my parents finally out there to the one person I needed to hear it – not exaggerated but yes truthful in all their brutality.
How do I feel? Relieved and lightened ++++. You know that feeling you get if you have to lance a spot (sorry, gross) – that feeling of relief that the poison has been expunged and is no longer in your body – that's how I feel. I am so proud of myself – in the end I didn't need courage, it all just came spewing out.
Am I looking / expecting anything from this? No. I am no longer searching for a loving apology.
However, now to the interesting and scary part....
In front of me I saw a woman completely at ease with the choices she made. She adamantly believes that she was correct in putting her husband first and sticking by him. She truly believes that she had no other option. She calmly admits that the environment caused both her children to develop mental health issues but that wasn't her fault, she did her best.
Her glass house of denial has been constructed in shatter-proof glass.
In front of me sat MY MOTHER - a woman with no shred of humanity – no shred of empathy for a daughter in pain – no love for her child. Not once did she emotionally connect with my pain. I saw a woman justifying her choices and trying to elicit my compassion with her “what about poor me” arguments.
Funnily, I do feel compassion for her – I feel compassion for what she has lost, she has lost her humanity, she has lost her ability to give and receive love. Alcoholism and her refusal to deal with my Dad's addiction has taken this from her.
Last year Mike, Desert Eyes, called me a survivor but until today that has never rung true. The pain has finally gone – it just isn't in my gut, I can't feel it anymore. I have survived – my Dad, my Mum and my brother are all victims of Alcoholism but I have survived – WOW, WOW, WOW!!!
Thank you for reading.
From a very, very thankful and blessed IWTHxxx
Today I met with my mother (co-alcoholic) for our fortnightly hourly get-together. She brought the topic of conversation around to my dead alcoholic father and the fact that he was ill and in no way to blame for what happened in my childhood.
She caught me unawares (for which I feel so immensely grateful) and for the first time in my life I gave her my truthful, honest, brutal opinions. I spoke from my heart, from the very core of my being. I said NO loudly and clearly to the carefully constructed denial that has permeated my life since birth.
In short I (timid, polite, correct me) told her:
She and Dad should never have had children
She should have got a job and removed us from the alcoholic violence, neglect and madness
They had failed as parents
She should have put her children first
My childhood was crap
As parents, they had damaged both their children causing years of psychological illness
Whooee..... all my pent-up, stuffed down, unspoken beliefs and feelings about my parents finally out there to the one person I needed to hear it – not exaggerated but yes truthful in all their brutality.
How do I feel? Relieved and lightened ++++. You know that feeling you get if you have to lance a spot (sorry, gross) – that feeling of relief that the poison has been expunged and is no longer in your body – that's how I feel. I am so proud of myself – in the end I didn't need courage, it all just came spewing out.
Am I looking / expecting anything from this? No. I am no longer searching for a loving apology.
However, now to the interesting and scary part....
In front of me I saw a woman completely at ease with the choices she made. She adamantly believes that she was correct in putting her husband first and sticking by him. She truly believes that she had no other option. She calmly admits that the environment caused both her children to develop mental health issues but that wasn't her fault, she did her best.
Her glass house of denial has been constructed in shatter-proof glass.
In front of me sat MY MOTHER - a woman with no shred of humanity – no shred of empathy for a daughter in pain – no love for her child. Not once did she emotionally connect with my pain. I saw a woman justifying her choices and trying to elicit my compassion with her “what about poor me” arguments.
Funnily, I do feel compassion for her – I feel compassion for what she has lost, she has lost her humanity, she has lost her ability to give and receive love. Alcoholism and her refusal to deal with my Dad's addiction has taken this from her.
Last year Mike, Desert Eyes, called me a survivor but until today that has never rung true. The pain has finally gone – it just isn't in my gut, I can't feel it anymore. I have survived – my Dad, my Mum and my brother are all victims of Alcoholism but I have survived – WOW, WOW, WOW!!!
Thank you for reading.
From a very, very thankful and blessed IWTHxxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
wow. I guess the word brutal is a sticking point for me...I don't want anything to do with verbal abuse.
I have done it and I regret it more than I can say.
If this has solved things for you, I am glad you feel better.
I have done it and I regret it more than I can say.
If this has solved things for you, I am glad you feel better.
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Originally Posted by Iwanttoheal 
Am I looking / expecting anything from this? No. I am no longer searching for a loving apology.
Right there is progress. A huge wonderful bunch of progress.
Sometimes we are told to put the past behind us, to just let it go. In my opinion the pain of the past is something we must learn from, otherwise something inside us (our souls, our mammal brain circuits, the inner child, call it what you will) will not let it go. You have done this with your mother and father.
The past is past when I know what happened, and in truth I am still working on that. I do not think it odd that you feel compassion for her - I am now feeling a bit of compassion for my alcoholic father and mother, both long dead, and seeing more clearly the flaws and weaknesses they could not face, the twisted reasoning that drove their decisions, as well as their strengths.
I have always liked the analogy of keeping our side of the street clean, and accepting that the other side is not our responsibility and all we can do is watch and learn.
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