itsjustme68

I am new to this site, this is actually my first post, but I am reaching out for help and hoping someone out there will have some advice for me.

I had never had any issues with alcohol or drugs and at the age of 36 I had a surgery and quickly became addicted to pain medication. It was about a 6 month ordeal that cost me alot of money, my pride, my marriage, and so much more. I went and got the help I needed at the time and have been drug free for almost 5 years now but I am honestly still not ok. The emotional turmoil haunts me to this day. My children saw so much, I let them down horribly and things are just different now with them. I have custody of my boys and my daughter is off at college, they are all getting older now but they look at me different, its just so different. It aches so deep inside me I cant even begin to explain it. I let so many people down, so badly. I cant forgive myself for the any of it. How do I move on with my life? How will I ever move forward and find a way to be happy again without always looking back at the bad choices I made?

There is so much more to the story, but quite honestly I am too sad today to type it all out.

Please help????

Live

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

You are clean now and you didn't choose to become addicted. I hope you will learn to forgive yourself and let go of the past.

You might want to post in Newcomers because that forum gets alot more traffic and there are alot of people who can help you and give you support.

You don't need to carry this around over your head like Damocles sword.
That guilt accomplishes nothing.
You can be proud that you got clean!

2stop

ditto to all Live said.

Is okay to forgive yourself, and it is mandatory if any peace and forward movement is to be had.

Hope to see ya post more. Great support here. Glad you found us.

Warmest Welcoming Hugs..................

itsjustme68

Thank you so much. I guess my main struggle has always been how do I forgive myself, how do I ever move past all of it.

I feel like I get back on my feet and something knocks me over again. I am just tired of having to get back up over and over. I get that its something I have to do, I am just so tired.

Freedom1990

Being active in 12-step programs has helped me tremendously with self-forgiveness and moving past my old life.

glitterfairy

Welcome to SR.
I agree that you should work the 12 steps. It will help you get rid of the shame and guilt. You also may want to consider a therapist. The way you feel about the torment and haunting sounds similiar to PTSD, (just my opinion). Sometimes all it takes is laying it all out there.

Sometimes you just need acknowledgement of your emotions before you can release them.
Great job on staying Sober! That's amazing.

2stop

I totally understand the being too tired part. I remember well the exhaustion of trying to get out of my own way. WE are our own worst enemy I believe. I overanalyzed and over thought everything, I still do with some things.It's how we try to make sense of stuff. Being patient with ourselves is super tough especially when we hurt so badly and so deeply. It can be accomplished though no matter how tired we are and frustrated. Getting so crazy exhausted with the mess i was in is the reason I found SR in 2003 and the reason I decided to get back up one more time. Hang in there. IT can get better. It really and truly can.

get on here and vent and keep reaching out. we are here for you.

warmest hugs coming your way!