Crisis Mode
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 71
Crisis Mode
I don't know if I'm supposed to have a Dual Diagnosis in order to post in here. My issues are all related to my own mental illnesses and how they relate with my exbf who is an actively recovering addict. So maybe it's appropriate. Anyway here goes .....
I haven't posted in awhile; I've been really busy with work, support groups and therapy. But I need to vent, ask for support and/or advice, and get some comfort.
I've been doing really well for about 2 months now. I had a breakdown in August when my mood stabilizer just stopped working. I had run out of it and it was taking me forever to get back in to my pdoc to get a refill so I went without for 2 weeks, cold turkey. When I finally got it, I figured 3-5 days it would kick in as it usually did. It never kicked in so I went another 2 weeks continuing to spiral out of control and into a black hole.
I became suicidal and it was all I could do to go to work and make it through the day. One evening, I called my boss (my ex-bf's mom) and told her I needed to go to the hospital to keep from hurting myself. I ended up not going because I didn't want a 72-hour hold put on me, so I took my klonopin (too many but not an overdose) and went to sleep.
Somehow I made it through those weeks and finally got back in to my pdoc for a med adjustment. They put me on Lamictal and it has been a miracle drug for me. I've been happy, stable, level-headed, in a good mood most of the time ... until today. And sometimes I don't know if it's my BPD, Bipolar or if it's just normal sadness about things lost in life.
I've been hoping my ex and I would get back together. He's a recovering addict and is active in NA and working with a sponsor who doesn't want him to date for his first year of sobriety. I can handle that, if I have a reasonable reason to believe that once we are both less broken, we can try again as "normal" people. Our relationship took place during his active addiction and my not getting therapy, so it was a mess.
Anyway, we've been seeing each other off and on, with no commitments. I love him still and I want him in my life as a larger presence than he can be right now. That's on me I know.
I did a stupid thing today. I was purging emails at work and came across some really sweet, sappy emails he had written me a few months back when I was fine being alone and he wanted me back. At that time, he was not actively in recovery, was unemployed and not actively looking for a job. He wasn't using but he wasn't recovering. I turned him down, and felt empowered. Now the tables are turned and he doesn't want a commitment with me but I do with him. Well, today I sent him the emails I found and told him how I felt about him now. He responded rather harshly, and I apologized. He later called and apologized for seeming rude in his response but he was only trying to be honest with me that he has a long way to go in his recovery and he doesn't know where it will lead him.
To my BPD, this means to me that he's done with me and he's either currently looking or will be looking for a reformed addict to form a relationship with, the thought of which is devastating to me.
I have a feeling that my empty feelings today all are relative to my BPD black and white thinking. i have no reason to really believe he is starting a relationship with anyone else or that he even wants one with anyone else. But my disorder coupled with the lingering trust issues surrounding his addiction leave me frightened of the possible outcome that will occur sometime next summer after he's been clean and in recovery for a year.
I've been crying all day, I'm exhausted, can't eat or sleep. I truly hate myself for getting so wrapped up in relationships and then feeling abandoned when they dont' work out for whatever reason. I think it may be a matter of wanting what I can't have, feeling frustrated because I can't control my feelings or my hopes or the situation at hand (and I am a controlling person), feeling abandoned and hurt, and feeling used for when I was there for him so many times and he can't be here for me now.
I'm hoping tomorrow will be a new day and that my lamictal hasn't stopped working because I cannot go into another dark hole. I may not come out of it.
I haven't posted in awhile; I've been really busy with work, support groups and therapy. But I need to vent, ask for support and/or advice, and get some comfort.
I've been doing really well for about 2 months now. I had a breakdown in August when my mood stabilizer just stopped working. I had run out of it and it was taking me forever to get back in to my pdoc to get a refill so I went without for 2 weeks, cold turkey. When I finally got it, I figured 3-5 days it would kick in as it usually did. It never kicked in so I went another 2 weeks continuing to spiral out of control and into a black hole.
I became suicidal and it was all I could do to go to work and make it through the day. One evening, I called my boss (my ex-bf's mom) and told her I needed to go to the hospital to keep from hurting myself. I ended up not going because I didn't want a 72-hour hold put on me, so I took my klonopin (too many but not an overdose) and went to sleep.
Somehow I made it through those weeks and finally got back in to my pdoc for a med adjustment. They put me on Lamictal and it has been a miracle drug for me. I've been happy, stable, level-headed, in a good mood most of the time ... until today. And sometimes I don't know if it's my BPD, Bipolar or if it's just normal sadness about things lost in life.
I've been hoping my ex and I would get back together. He's a recovering addict and is active in NA and working with a sponsor who doesn't want him to date for his first year of sobriety. I can handle that, if I have a reasonable reason to believe that once we are both less broken, we can try again as "normal" people. Our relationship took place during his active addiction and my not getting therapy, so it was a mess.
Anyway, we've been seeing each other off and on, with no commitments. I love him still and I want him in my life as a larger presence than he can be right now. That's on me I know.
I did a stupid thing today. I was purging emails at work and came across some really sweet, sappy emails he had written me a few months back when I was fine being alone and he wanted me back. At that time, he was not actively in recovery, was unemployed and not actively looking for a job. He wasn't using but he wasn't recovering. I turned him down, and felt empowered. Now the tables are turned and he doesn't want a commitment with me but I do with him. Well, today I sent him the emails I found and told him how I felt about him now. He responded rather harshly, and I apologized. He later called and apologized for seeming rude in his response but he was only trying to be honest with me that he has a long way to go in his recovery and he doesn't know where it will lead him.
To my BPD, this means to me that he's done with me and he's either currently looking or will be looking for a reformed addict to form a relationship with, the thought of which is devastating to me.
I have a feeling that my empty feelings today all are relative to my BPD black and white thinking. i have no reason to really believe he is starting a relationship with anyone else or that he even wants one with anyone else. But my disorder coupled with the lingering trust issues surrounding his addiction leave me frightened of the possible outcome that will occur sometime next summer after he's been clean and in recovery for a year.
I've been crying all day, I'm exhausted, can't eat or sleep. I truly hate myself for getting so wrapped up in relationships and then feeling abandoned when they dont' work out for whatever reason. I think it may be a matter of wanting what I can't have, feeling frustrated because I can't control my feelings or my hopes or the situation at hand (and I am a controlling person), feeling abandoned and hurt, and feeling used for when I was there for him so many times and he can't be here for me now.
I'm hoping tomorrow will be a new day and that my lamictal hasn't stopped working because I cannot go into another dark hole. I may not come out of it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am so sorry you are feeling so badly!
You have alot of different things going on but you seem to have alot of great insight into them!
I am loving my lamictal too!!!!
I hear you about having a great fear of another deep depression...I just can't go there again either.
I do know that if push comes to shove..I will go in to the ER...but boy, oh, boy do I hate that!
For me, the meds alone aren't enough...it helps so much to go to counseling once a week...I have just moved and need to get all that re-established...but I know that it really makes a difference for me.
When I get troubled I usually resort to escapism...reading books...and biding my time.
Because sometimes the best thing for me to do is just wait it out and trust that I need a couple of days to right myself..and this is with my meds working.
The meds don't protect me from feeling hurt or upset...when I have reasons to be hurt or upset.
You know yourself best.....if you feel like you need extra help or the meds aren't working....I would suggest, yes, giving it a day or two and then if you don't feel right...don't wait..call your Pdoc.
and, yeah, I get that this feels like rejection and doesn't seem fair.
I am not saying that it is and that you need to wait for him to get his act together.
But as to your fears about what he is or isn't doing....the best thing for me to do is to 1) realize that I may not be entirely rational and give it a couple of days and 2) if I still feel uncomfortable...bite the bullet and ask directly
and, yes, please feel free to post here about anything you want
(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))
You have alot of different things going on but you seem to have alot of great insight into them!
I am loving my lamictal too!!!!
I hear you about having a great fear of another deep depression...I just can't go there again either.
I do know that if push comes to shove..I will go in to the ER...but boy, oh, boy do I hate that!
For me, the meds alone aren't enough...it helps so much to go to counseling once a week...I have just moved and need to get all that re-established...but I know that it really makes a difference for me.
When I get troubled I usually resort to escapism...reading books...and biding my time.
Because sometimes the best thing for me to do is just wait it out and trust that I need a couple of days to right myself..and this is with my meds working.
The meds don't protect me from feeling hurt or upset...when I have reasons to be hurt or upset.
You know yourself best.....if you feel like you need extra help or the meds aren't working....I would suggest, yes, giving it a day or two and then if you don't feel right...don't wait..call your Pdoc.
and, yeah, I get that this feels like rejection and doesn't seem fair.
I am not saying that it is and that you need to wait for him to get his act together.
But as to your fears about what he is or isn't doing....the best thing for me to do is to 1) realize that I may not be entirely rational and give it a couple of days and 2) if I still feel uncomfortable...bite the bullet and ask directly
and, yes, please feel free to post here about anything you want
(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
oops...I see you do have support groups and therapy....I was typing off the cuff, so to speak...I hope you discuss all this with your therapist..I am sure that person knows you and the situation and can help!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 71
Thank you Live, for your support. It does help.
I have one question that has been bugging me for a long time and I don't know if anyone can answer it .... WHY do NA/AA people seem to have so much time on their hands to go to soooo many meetings, do all the service work, and just live under the cloak of the group rather than getting a real job and learning to cope in the real world????
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate NA/AA ... and I know that recovery is a lifetime struggle to stay sober, but COME ON! There should come a point (not saying this is true for bf, cuz it's not) where people can start to live in the real world and function with a job, family, real world responsibilities. I just think that ANYTHING in excess is not a good thing.
Like someone said on here recently .... "Ok, you've been sober for 25 years. Great! Drink your lemonade and join the rest of society!"
I have one question that has been bugging me for a long time and I don't know if anyone can answer it .... WHY do NA/AA people seem to have so much time on their hands to go to soooo many meetings, do all the service work, and just live under the cloak of the group rather than getting a real job and learning to cope in the real world????
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate NA/AA ... and I know that recovery is a lifetime struggle to stay sober, but COME ON! There should come a point (not saying this is true for bf, cuz it's not) where people can start to live in the real world and function with a job, family, real world responsibilities. I just think that ANYTHING in excess is not a good thing.
Like someone said on here recently .... "Ok, you've been sober for 25 years. Great! Drink your lemonade and join the rest of society!"
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I agree with you 100%!
I thought the point of those groups was recovery and that meant the ability to function realistically in the world with normal responsibilities.
I think some people use it as a cop-out.
For me...klonopin contributes to lethargy, apathy and depression. I quit it.
I do hope you will make yourself eat something and get some rest...lack of those will make everything worse.
I protect my sleep as if it were worth all the gold in Fort Knox! I read that next to meds it is the most important thing when we have bipolar.
Have you read any Kay Redfield Jamison?
I thought the point of those groups was recovery and that meant the ability to function realistically in the world with normal responsibilities.
I think some people use it as a cop-out.
For me...klonopin contributes to lethargy, apathy and depression. I quit it.
I do hope you will make yourself eat something and get some rest...lack of those will make everything worse.
I protect my sleep as if it were worth all the gold in Fort Knox! I read that next to meds it is the most important thing when we have bipolar.
Have you read any Kay Redfield Jamison?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 71
No, I haven't read anything by her, actually never heard of her. But I would be very interested in learning what she has to say.
I take my klonopin VERY sparingly and only at bedtime. I have abused it in the past and taken too many during the day and I then have NO recollection of what transpired while I was on it. One time I got into a fight with my daughter and slashed the tires on her car. Another time, I went to my boss's house after taking some and made a complete fool of myself. So after those episodes I really only rarely use it. It's mainly my crisis medication to help me calm down when I am on the verge of a full on breakdown. And that's how I use it now.
I'm doing better today than yesterday. I have a new perspective and although my heart still hurts and I wonder if there's somebody else, I know I can't control any aspect of that and I need to work on acceptance of that.
You know, in many ways, substance addiction is similar to mental illness: life becomes unmanageable; one has to have some sort of regimen to follow; much introspecting is necessary; self-worth is damaged and so on.
I take my klonopin VERY sparingly and only at bedtime. I have abused it in the past and taken too many during the day and I then have NO recollection of what transpired while I was on it. One time I got into a fight with my daughter and slashed the tires on her car. Another time, I went to my boss's house after taking some and made a complete fool of myself. So after those episodes I really only rarely use it. It's mainly my crisis medication to help me calm down when I am on the verge of a full on breakdown. And that's how I use it now.
I'm doing better today than yesterday. I have a new perspective and although my heart still hurts and I wonder if there's somebody else, I know I can't control any aspect of that and I need to work on acceptance of that.
You know, in many ways, substance addiction is similar to mental illness: life becomes unmanageable; one has to have some sort of regimen to follow; much introspecting is necessary; self-worth is damaged and so on.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I think there are many similarities also.
Kay Redfield Jamison is a foremost researcher of bipolar illness and has it herself and she has written several books.
I love them because I think they have a unique perspective, solid science and she doesn't allow anyone to diminish her dignity and self respect because of her illness.
I like that because many of the books I read about bipolar seem to make me feel like damaged goods.
I am glad you feel better today.
BTW...he says he doesn't want to be in ANY relationship for a year..don't you believe him?
Kay Redfield Jamison is a foremost researcher of bipolar illness and has it herself and she has written several books.
I love them because I think they have a unique perspective, solid science and she doesn't allow anyone to diminish her dignity and self respect because of her illness.
I like that because many of the books I read about bipolar seem to make me feel like damaged goods.
I am glad you feel better today.
BTW...he says he doesn't want to be in ANY relationship for a year..don't you believe him?
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