JackNWA

There is a huge family "argument" going on that has spiralled out of control. I'm feeling depressed to the point I feel like I'm empty inside. I'm not sure how live in this "new world". let me explain. I've been married for 15 years and my wife and parents have never been close. About a month ago, my mother posted something political on her facebook page, and my very outspoken wife took offense and started a "flamewar" with my Mother, Sister, aunt and niece. During the course of this argument, my wife said some things to them that were rude and offensive. The next morning, my wife posted an apology to all of them, also on facebook.

My entire family has not accepted the apology. And has demanded (to me, not to my wife) that my wife personnaly applogize to each of them. They've unfriended her in facebook, and have not communicated in any way with her. They're only communicating to me that they don't understand my wife's "agenda" and are demanding the apology. I feel caught in the middle between two 'groups' I love the most in life. None of my family is willing to talk with me either now, and I feel like my relationship with them is over. How do I accept this and move on with my life? How do I begin to "be happy".

Thanks, I needed to get this off my chest I guess

infiniti

If your wife directed any nasty comments or insults to anyone in particular, she owes an apology directly to that/those person(s).

That said, we live in a country where freedom of speech, expression and thought reigns. They are allowed to disagree with each others' viewpoints, and discussions often get heated.

Your family needs to understand that your wife has a right to her opinion, about which she obviously feels strongly. Likewise, your wife needs to realize the same thing about your family. No one is ever right or wrong in these types of situations, and generally speaking, these topics serve only to cause discord. I stay out of them usually.

If your family is upset because she doesn't agree with their viewpoint, then they need to get over it. Not everyone will agree all the time about everything. However, if they are sincerely upset about your wife's personal attack on them, then yes, your wife owes them an apology for allowing politics to get personal.

JackNWA

Thanks. My wife doesn't feel like she can apolgize to them without comprimising her integrity. Hense the stalemate that we're in. I appreciate your thoughts on this. Thank you.

joey8262

facebook is a complete nightmare-i went on it once-and never again-it's called "scaredbook" or "snitchbook" in the uk-it's a bitching ground for people-i'm glad am rid of it.

JackNWA

It's the lack of communication that kills me. Everyone complains to me about the other, but they're not willing to communicate with the other side.

nandm

I have found that for me the best course of action when I am feeling caught in the middle is to be direct with both parties and tell them flat out that I no longer can continue to be their messenger and if they want to communicate with the other party they need to do it but leave me completely out of it. I let them know I don't want to hear anymore of the matter. This has worked well for me. The direct approach is sometimes all we have.

Margee

nandm took the words right out of my mouth.

It is so sad when something like this happens, but in reality - it does happen to families. You can still love your family without your wife being involved and you can still love your wife without your family being involved. Of course, this is not what we are used to, or really want - but these situations do happen where there is a 'confict' of personalities.

I would ask your wife to be respectful of your family when you go there to visit or you are in touch with them in any way (For example:no sarcastic comments when you come home) and I would also ask your family to be repectful of your wife. (Again, no sarcastic comments of any kind)

You can be loving and kind to both your wife and your family - but refuse to be caught in the middle of it. If ever there is amends made - they must do this between them.

Just have the happiest life you can - you can find a way to love them all - yes - it's a bit different - but if everyone can at least have respect for your sake - maybe this can work afterall.

Hope this helps a little, Margee

JackNWA

I wanted to give an update on this. It is still causing me many many issues. Nothing has really changed since my last post. Except that my mother is planning a large family gathering this Sunday. She invited my wife and I of course. There will be family attending that I've never met, as well as an aunt that lives out of state that I haven't seen in several years. I told my wife that I would like to attend this family gathering. That it would be very hard but that I felt I needed to do it. This caused a very bad argument. She couldn't understand how I could want to be with a group of family that don't like or lover her. So basically I said I don't see how I can go, and I don't see how I can't go either. It's a lose/lose situation no matter what I do. Then she proceeds to say that you were going before I said anything, so you had better go otherwise you'll hold it against me. So I agreed and told her I would go after all. No, of courrse, she's upset and mad at me again! So basically, I'm fu*&^ed no matter what. Thanks for letting me vent.

JackNWA

I was just re-reading my posts on this and I left out the fact that the last email from my mother on this topic included the statement that unless my wife apolgized directly to them (even though she already had apologized twice) they "couldn't love her."

cakeeater

I'd say it's past time to put your foot down with everybody. I've been stuck in the middle of the wife family argument. I sat my wife down and said "I'm not going to alienate myself from my family for you" and sat my family down and said "I'm not going to alienate myself from my wife for you". In the end they accepted it and it took a few years but they started getting along. If they really care about you this petty argument won't destroy your relationships with them. It's safe to wash your hands of it. If it does destroy it, then your relationship with them was conditional anyway. Just tell them all where they can put it and let the chips fall where they may. They'll get over it.

My ten cents