I really wish that I didn't make it out of my last bender
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 123
I really wish that I didn't make it out of my last bender
I would rather die then have to keep going through this misery. When nothing is going good, what's the point of getting sober? What's going to get better?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Driving
We thank God you are alive today. Not so you can have another day of misery but a chance at life, a life full of joys. When the next bottom is 6 feet under pretty much anything else is up.
Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results is insanity. Time for a full 180 change my fellow SR friend. We care, maybe it is time to ask for help and take it.
Black- Sorry to hear about your bother! My prayers are with you and your family. My AA friends have come to be there many times. My best AA friend called me every night for 2 weeks once letting me get things out this past year...
AG
We thank God you are alive today. Not so you can have another day of misery but a chance at life, a life full of joys. When the next bottom is 6 feet under pretty much anything else is up.
Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results is insanity. Time for a full 180 change my fellow SR friend. We care, maybe it is time to ask for help and take it.
Black- Sorry to hear about your bother! My prayers are with you and your family. My AA friends have come to be there many times. My best AA friend called me every night for 2 weeks once letting me get things out this past year...
AG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 123
What if life isn't full of joy? I can't keep it together sober, I can't keep it together using. Hoping the next drink or line is the one that finally does it isn't normal thinking and I understand that.. But I don't like the person I am when sober, having to deal with the shame of what I've done when using just adds to it. It all just sucks and I'm like a black hole that just destroys everything it comes in contact with.
Black- I am sorry for your loss.
Black- I am sorry for your loss.
Striving to be a better Man!
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 266
Thnx dv,
Hey man... None of us like ourselves sober. I think that is a big part of why we use. Thats the hard part! Fixing the root cause which is usually the stuff we feel sober. Man in a way if you hit bottom thats kind of exciting because it will get that much better but we have to friggin fight for that man! I have fallen down a bit this summer and its amazing how fast the old feelings, habits, behaviors come back but deep down you know as well as I do that if we want things to change we have to do the work. I HATE work!!
I do know 1 thing though... Life is never full of joy, We have to find our bliss in the lil stuff and man take it from me.. life is too short for bull$hit!
hugs man, keep posting.
Hey man... None of us like ourselves sober. I think that is a big part of why we use. Thats the hard part! Fixing the root cause which is usually the stuff we feel sober. Man in a way if you hit bottom thats kind of exciting because it will get that much better but we have to friggin fight for that man! I have fallen down a bit this summer and its amazing how fast the old feelings, habits, behaviors come back but deep down you know as well as I do that if we want things to change we have to do the work. I HATE work!!
I do know 1 thing though... Life is never full of joy, We have to find our bliss in the lil stuff and man take it from me.. life is too short for bull$hit!
hugs man, keep posting.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Southern Oregon
Posts: 87
DV..... I miss you. You are one of the good ones dude. I am glad you made it out of your "last bender" and I'm really glad to see you're post here.
That's the thing about life man, "a little rain must fall" so they say... and sometimes it pours, or hails.... but without precipitation, nothing grows. Unfortunately some of us (and you know me, I'm one of them) get to feeling like we don't want to fight the gators in the swamp that often times becomes our lives from all that moisture. It's just fricking hard!! Seems like we can only tread water so long... you know?
BUT (yeah big BUT) in the last couple of tragic years... I have been given the opportunity (more times than I would have actually liked to) to use the things I learned going through all of that sh*t.... to help someone else through some very similar stuff. Point is... you are here for something. Something important. Something divine, and unconventional, I'm sure.... but I'm sure deep down you already know this.
You have made an impact on me, already. You have brightened my day more than you know... not with this recent post, but with your sense of humor, and genuine conversation in the chatroom.
Please get some help dude... you are worth it.
That's the thing about life man, "a little rain must fall" so they say... and sometimes it pours, or hails.... but without precipitation, nothing grows. Unfortunately some of us (and you know me, I'm one of them) get to feeling like we don't want to fight the gators in the swamp that often times becomes our lives from all that moisture. It's just fricking hard!! Seems like we can only tread water so long... you know?
BUT (yeah big BUT) in the last couple of tragic years... I have been given the opportunity (more times than I would have actually liked to) to use the things I learned going through all of that sh*t.... to help someone else through some very similar stuff. Point is... you are here for something. Something important. Something divine, and unconventional, I'm sure.... but I'm sure deep down you already know this.
You have made an impact on me, already. You have brightened my day more than you know... not with this recent post, but with your sense of humor, and genuine conversation in the chatroom.
Please get some help dude... you are worth it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
I wanted to die by the end...its BS it never came...all those people over the years saying one day someone will just find you in bed and that will be that if you keep drinking so much...i just kept on waking up!!!!!!
The pain got so great, the pain of living i mean...by the time i went to AA my CBT counselor (started seeing him 2 weeks before) asked me if i wanted to stop drinking, after a pause i said honestly no i don't i just want it to end...the pain of living...
I needed a miracle and went to AA with the express purpose of doing their suggested work asap...knew it wasn't long before i did something stupid...there is a solution in AA if you are desperate enough to do enough work to change inside...
Within a few weeks i could see everythingi had to live for and that was scarey as a few weeks before i was planning on dying pretty soon...good luck:-)
The pain got so great, the pain of living i mean...by the time i went to AA my CBT counselor (started seeing him 2 weeks before) asked me if i wanted to stop drinking, after a pause i said honestly no i don't i just want it to end...the pain of living...
I needed a miracle and went to AA with the express purpose of doing their suggested work asap...knew it wasn't long before i did something stupid...there is a solution in AA if you are desperate enough to do enough work to change inside...
Within a few weeks i could see everythingi had to live for and that was scarey as a few weeks before i was planning on dying pretty soon...good luck:-)
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
Hey DV
When I was drinking pretty much everything I did - drunk or sober - made it harder to get out of the cycle....
I'd screw up when I was drunk, then when I got sober I still had to deal with the debris of my drinking...I found it very very easy to say 'hey whats the point?'.
The point is you have to stop drinking for anything to get better.
The other point is that's not instantaneous. If it was, none of us would ever relapse and we wouldn't need help.
You're trying to change your life. That takes time, DV - and yes you gotta take your lumps for the things you've done along the way.
That goes for any adult, drunk or not.
Stop drinking and you'll stop doing stuff you're ashamed of and you can start to get your head above water again.
I know you're better than this.
You know you're better than this.
Work on the not drinking - it's like the spoke in the wheel DV - everything else comes from that one point.
do whatever you have to do - AA rehab, whatever.
D
When I was drinking pretty much everything I did - drunk or sober - made it harder to get out of the cycle....
I'd screw up when I was drunk, then when I got sober I still had to deal with the debris of my drinking...I found it very very easy to say 'hey whats the point?'.
The point is you have to stop drinking for anything to get better.
The other point is that's not instantaneous. If it was, none of us would ever relapse and we wouldn't need help.
You're trying to change your life. That takes time, DV - and yes you gotta take your lumps for the things you've done along the way.
That goes for any adult, drunk or not.
Stop drinking and you'll stop doing stuff you're ashamed of and you can start to get your head above water again.
I know you're better than this.
You know you're better than this.
Work on the not drinking - it's like the spoke in the wheel DV - everything else comes from that one point.
do whatever you have to do - AA rehab, whatever.
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
Stop it. DV, I know you feel like you are in a bad place right now, but you are such a good person, and you have your whole life in front of you. This weekend was, well, whatever. You made it through. I told you, I am happy you are home safe, now get the help you need.
You know there are so many of us here who care about you. You have helped alot of us. No clue where I would be today if it weren't for you. You can make it through this. You have the strength and intelligence.
Get the help you need, keep reaching out here. ..you know we are here for you.
Please, DV, please do not give up on yourself. You are worth it.
a
You know there are so many of us here who care about you. You have helped alot of us. No clue where I would be today if it weren't for you. You can make it through this. You have the strength and intelligence.
Get the help you need, keep reaching out here. ..you know we are here for you.
Please, DV, please do not give up on yourself. You are worth it.
a
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
Originally Posted by DrivingVacation 
What if life isn't full of joy? But I don't like the person I am when sober, having to deal with the shame of what I've done when using just adds to it.
Black- I am sorry for your loss.
Black- I am sorry for your loss.
You are a good person. You have to stop using for a little while to see that. This isn't who you are. You are feeling sorry for yourself right now. Someone smart told me that recently.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((DV))) - glad you're feeling better.
((Dee)) is right...it takes time to get past the shame and stuff that goes with using. Dealing with it by using is like digging the hole a little bit deeper, and you can't even SEE that's there's sunshine out there.
I ran from my life, basically, for decades, with one substance or another, or really screwed up relationships. When I finally got miserable enough, I decided to try recovery...really, really give it my all, for 6 months. If life wasn't any better, well...crack is on every street corner.
That was 3-1/2 years ago. I'm in a funk today, pretty disgusted with my minimum wage job and the financial mess I put myself into, BUT I've reached out to people who care, and I'm doing what I can..waiting to hear about a better job, going back to school in a few weeks. At no point, today, have I wanted to use. All that would do, is make things a million times worse.
You can do this, you really can. You're gonna have to deal with the bad feelings, we all do. By not picking up, though, you will get past them and you won't have MORE **** to feel bad about.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
((Dee)) is right...it takes time to get past the shame and stuff that goes with using. Dealing with it by using is like digging the hole a little bit deeper, and you can't even SEE that's there's sunshine out there.
I ran from my life, basically, for decades, with one substance or another, or really screwed up relationships. When I finally got miserable enough, I decided to try recovery...really, really give it my all, for 6 months. If life wasn't any better, well...crack is on every street corner.
That was 3-1/2 years ago. I'm in a funk today, pretty disgusted with my minimum wage job and the financial mess I put myself into, BUT I've reached out to people who care, and I'm doing what I can..waiting to hear about a better job, going back to school in a few weeks. At no point, today, have I wanted to use. All that would do, is make things a million times worse.
You can do this, you really can. You're gonna have to deal with the bad feelings, we all do. By not picking up, though, you will get past them and you won't have MORE **** to feel bad about.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Impurrfect
(((DV))) - glad you're feeling better.
((Dee)) is right...it takes time to get past the shame and stuff that goes with using. Dealing with it by using is like digging the hole a little bit deeper, and you can't even SEE that's there's sunshine out there.
I ran from my life, basically, for decades, with one substance or another, or really screwed up relationships. When I finally got miserable enough, I decided to try recovery...really, really give it my all, for 6 months. If life wasn't any better, well...crack is on every street corner.
That was 3-1/2 years ago. I'm in a funk today, pretty disgusted with my minimum wage job and the financial mess I put myself into, BUT I've reached out to people who care, and I'm doing what I can..waiting to hear about a better job, going back to school in a few weeks. At no point, today, have I wanted to use. All that would do, is make things a million times worse.
You can do this, you really can. You're gonna have to deal with the bad feelings, we all do. By not picking up, though, you will get past them and you won't have MORE **** to feel bad about.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
((Dee)) is right...it takes time to get past the shame and stuff that goes with using. Dealing with it by using is like digging the hole a little bit deeper, and you can't even SEE that's there's sunshine out there.
I ran from my life, basically, for decades, with one substance or another, or really screwed up relationships. When I finally got miserable enough, I decided to try recovery...really, really give it my all, for 6 months. If life wasn't any better, well...crack is on every street corner.
That was 3-1/2 years ago. I'm in a funk today, pretty disgusted with my minimum wage job and the financial mess I put myself into, BUT I've reached out to people who care, and I'm doing what I can..waiting to hear about a better job, going back to school in a few weeks. At no point, today, have I wanted to use. All that would do, is make things a million times worse.
You can do this, you really can. You're gonna have to deal with the bad feelings, we all do. By not picking up, though, you will get past them and you won't have MORE **** to feel bad about.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Great points!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Southern Oregon
Posts: 87
I know you're a sarcastic person... but really DV... joy? I don't think so!! We're rooting for you dude.... but joy? I glean no joy out of your misery... quite the opposite. I feel for you, for reals. No bullish.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Desert2trees
DV..... I miss you. You are one of the good ones dude. I am glad you made it out of your "last bender" and I'm really glad to see you're post here.
That's the thing about life man, "a little rain must fall" so they say... and sometimes it pours, or hails.... but without precipitation, nothing grows. Unfortunately some of us (and you know me, I'm one of them) get to feeling like we don't want to fight the gators in the swamp that often times becomes our lives from all that moisture. It's just fricking hard!! Seems like we can only tread water so long... you know?
BUT (yeah big BUT) in the last couple of tragic years... I have been given the opportunity (more times than I would have actually liked to) to use the things I learned going through all of that sh*t.... to help someone else through some very similar stuff. Point is... you are here for something. Something important. Something divine, and unconventional, I'm sure.... but I'm sure deep down you already know this.
You have made an impact on me, already. You have brightened my day more than you know... not with this recent post, but with your sense of humor, and genuine conversation in the chatroom.
Please get some help dude... you are worth it.
That's the thing about life man, "a little rain must fall" so they say... and sometimes it pours, or hails.... but without precipitation, nothing grows. Unfortunately some of us (and you know me, I'm one of them) get to feeling like we don't want to fight the gators in the swamp that often times becomes our lives from all that moisture. It's just fricking hard!! Seems like we can only tread water so long... you know?
BUT (yeah big BUT) in the last couple of tragic years... I have been given the opportunity (more times than I would have actually liked to) to use the things I learned going through all of that sh*t.... to help someone else through some very similar stuff. Point is... you are here for something. Something important. Something divine, and unconventional, I'm sure.... but I'm sure deep down you already know this.
You have made an impact on me, already. You have brightened my day more than you know... not with this recent post, but with your sense of humor, and genuine conversation in the chatroom.
Please get some help dude... you are worth it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
DV,
I'm Really sorry your in such a bad place. I've been in some awful situations myself. Dealing with the past is sometimes overwhelming. I try NOT to go there anymore. Makes recovery too hard. I try one day at a time. Getting stuck in the past or the things I've done just hampers my recovery and makes me very depressed.
Is recovery all sunlight and roses Dv NO it isn't. But it sure is better than the place I was in. I know you can find your way out of this. You are a wonderful person, and a strong man. Give yourself a break. Your worth it!!
I'm Really sorry your in such a bad place. I've been in some awful situations myself. Dealing with the past is sometimes overwhelming. I try NOT to go there anymore. Makes recovery too hard. I try one day at a time. Getting stuck in the past or the things I've done just hampers my recovery and makes me very depressed.
Is recovery all sunlight and roses Dv NO it isn't. But it sure is better than the place I was in. I know you can find your way out of this. You are a wonderful person, and a strong man. Give yourself a break. Your worth it!!
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