How to best help my daughter

Old 09-07-2010, 12:02 PM
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How to best help my daughter

Hello all, I am new to this forum, so please bear with me, and if this should be posted somewhere else, let me know. Just posting it here as this is the closest fit I can find, after studying the rest of these boards. Warning, this is long! and thank you for reading!

I am looking for some points of view and advice on a rare situation.

I am a mom to a soon-to-be 16 year old daughter. I divorce her dad due to his alcoholisim when she was 2 and I was 23, and 2 years later in a custody battle while I was in college she was given to him to live with and saw me every other weekend. I was always there for my weekends, and always paid my child support. Jump forward 12 years, and last year, due to her suicidal thoughts, we agree to have her come live with me for high school. A year later to today, and her fathers alcoholism raged out of control. An incident around alcohol and threat of suicide by him occured, and the police and social services were brought in. Through working with the police and social services, she is now living with me, and I have filed for full custody. Right now there is a protective order in place, and she does not see him or talk to him at all, though that may end soon. Still, per the paperwork pending, and her own determination, she won't go back for overnight visits, and only have supervised visits.

When I divorced her dad I went through 2 years of counceling and worked very hard to enter into recover. We were very young, married at 19, and his drinking and controling/emotionally abusive behavior developed as we were married. My parents were good people, neither addicted to anything, and I had a great childhood with a loving family. The alcholics I did see were removed uncles on the occasional vacation. I attribute this as to why I left early, and again, worked on my issues for a good 2 years before dating again. I am now married to a wonderful man, have a strong family unit full of love and we do not tolerate abuse of any kind. Survivor strong, with always an eye to codie behaviors.

Now, today, I have a daughter of an alcoholic. I always knew this day would come, when she and I would have to deal with the effects of her dad's drinking (he was in and out of programs over the years, but never stopped). now that it is here, I am still full of questions.

This is what I have done to help her. I make all major decisions for her but listen to her point of view (school, health, the decision to contact the police, the decision to pursue custody). I am taking her to counceling 2xs a month, and she accepts it. I gave her the book "It won't happen to me: children of alcholics". I have a strong daily schedule (dinner at same time, clean house, chores, money, how to treat little sister and mom and step-dad). I am encouraging friendships, but watch her closely, protective. I talk to her about what I know surrounding alcoholism, but I try to limit it to 2xs a week, so it is not like I am ramming info down her throat or insulting her dad. I try really hard to be respectful of her dad, but I am more committed to the truth, and if you are not treating someone nice, well then, you are not treating someone nice.

My questions and really my concerns are:

How do you help a 15 year old who has been plucked out of an angry alcoholic environment? I mean this is dramatic change, that world is behind, this world is reality and is now and every day. It's hard enough being 15 years old.

How is this change going to affect her in the future? If we spend the next two years tring to face the last twelve in an open and loving way, will that help her have a better life, and even break this cycle? one can only hope

Am I missing something that I could or should be doing to help her?

Her councelor recommended not to re-live the event with too much discussion, as it re-tramatizes her, hence the 2xs a-week limit on talk about alcoholism.

Last week, after reading the book I gave her, she had an "awakening" on her own and realized her dad is an alcholic and she can't control it. I think she is in shock. How do I help her deal with shock????

I can't make her choose to recover, or face all or any of this. But she is my daughter, so I can not, and will not, just walk away from her on this. We are close, and in our last heart-to-heart she said she couldn't ask for a better mom than me. :ghug3

I know this forum is for "Adult" children of alcoholics, but as a mom helping a kid now, I was hoping for some perspective from all you adults. What would you have wanted to happen? What if this change had happened to you?

Thank you for "listening" and much good love to you all.
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Old 09-08-2010, 07:01 AM
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I have a nephew who is living with me - somewhat similar situation, but not quite as severe as yours.

The short answer: be there, be reliable, be dependable, let her know you value her opinion, let her discover herself. The lessons learned in life are usually best learned when we figure them out on our own. I might even suggest dropping the discussions of alcoholism to 1x week.

Don't push anything on her that she's not ready for. She will have many more awakenings. If possible, get her into counseling once a week, and each time ask her if she wants you in the room with her (my nephew still wants me in the room each session).

As an ACoA who had no adult support from anyone and still turned out pretty okay, I applaud everything you're doing for her. I would have been thrilled to have had one adult who showed some degree of interest in my well-being. Even if she doesn't say it or show it to you (that's teenager's for ya!), she feels it. That is the critical part.
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Old 09-08-2010, 08:19 AM
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Thanks GingerM, this helps. essentially affirms the direction we are going in, and I will cut down on the discussions to 1x a week, and see if I can get her sessions stepped up to once a week rather than every other. I've been in 2 of her sessions, and while they have been good, the councelor noted next time she would see her by herself.

We are just looking to take 1 day at a time together.
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Old 09-08-2010, 10:11 PM
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Living in a loving and "normal" environment will do wonders for her and she will pick up on so much more than having to feel like she has to talk about it. Why not focus on having a good life together with her, and let her decide when and how to deal with her dad. Unless you feel that she is not stable, which would make a huge difference. It sounds like she is stablized now? Anyway, what I'm getting at is you have given her tools to use to help herself right now...so maybe now you let it be and see how she does, see what she wants?

I know for me, I didn't really deal with much of my feelings, emotions, etc. until after my dad died (I was 19 when he died).

Thankfully she is out of that abusive home though. Are there peer groups in your area (i.e. alateen)? Maybe that could help to have other people her age to share with and listen to.

Take care.
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Old 09-09-2010, 06:05 AM
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Anglestory

At first I didn't think it would be enough, just 3 years under my roof with a normalized enviro compared to 10 years of walking the eggshell highway. It gives me great relief to hear from you that this will go a long way to helping. I guess I was just hoping she could get some perspective on potential pitfalls for ACoAs before she went off to college and adulthood, but I think she will learn this by then, or at least be aware. That has to help.

Last night at the dinner table, she pipped up and noted that she didn't feel the usual depression she has always struggled with, and this was a new feeling for her, feeling good. The girls in her school also noticed that she was so much peppier, and happy, and DD was surprised and pleased that they noticed. Loud sounds scare the bee-jesus out of her, she goes completely white, and her heart races and she gets way shakey for the next 15 minutes. a little ptsd? we'll have to has her councelor at next appointment.
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Old 09-09-2010, 08:52 PM
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Sounds like you are doing a great job! It is going to take time, that is for sure. Take care.
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Old 09-11-2010, 07:39 AM
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Loud sounds scare the bee-jesus out of her, she goes completely white, and her heart races and she gets way shakey for the next 15 minutes. a little ptsd? we'll have to has her councelor at next appointment.
According to the DSM, PTSD is caused by a single traumatic event. Unfortunately, there is no diagnosis for what I think of as "long term PTSD". My therapist lumped me into "general anxiety disorder" because that's all there really is for people like your neice and myself. I used to jump through the roof at loud sounds, sudden movements or people "suddenly" appearing. My childhood was filled with chaotic bouts of physical abuse also.

I'm on anti-anxiety meds. I resisted at first, but now am very glad that I'm on them. My therapist said that yes, I do have PTSD, but the DSM clearly indicates a *single* incident, not repeated incidents over time. Most likely, like me, her 'fight or flight' response is in a constant state of readiness. If her therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist thinks it's worth trying medications, I would recommend to her that she do so.

For me, what happened was that over time, my body got re-acclimated to not jumping through the roof. I still jump at certain things, but it doesn't cause that "15 minutes to get the adrenaline under control again" response. It's a rapid response with a rapid diminution of response (like "normal" people). It made my life less stressful. It brought my blood pressure and heart rate down. It made me less nervous to try new things and get out of my comfort zone.

She's heading to college - she's going to have many new things that will be frightening to her (this is my own experience at least). If you can get her where sudden change isn't adrenaline inducing, she will have a much easier time of it.

You're welcome to show her this post or tell her about it. I've been there, done that. My coworkers used to stomp as they approached me to make sure I didn't jump - it was that severe. Now they don't anymore. My husband used to have to tell me weeks in advance of any changes to our plans because it was so difficult for me. Now I can roll with the flow. It's a HUGE difference. It doesn't happen right away - the brain has to rewire itself after much time and experience of noting that not every loud sound is a threat.

Also, being "on alert" like that all the time is horrible on the body. It's bad for the heart, it's very hard on the digestive system (which is primed to "lighten the load" at any time), it's horrible for weight gain (body under stress produces hormones that say "we're in danger, pack on the extra calories in case we have to experience long-term hardship"). There's plenty more things that constant vigilance does to the body as well. In short - it shortens one's lifespan. So the drugs I'm on are not just to make me emotionally feel better - it's to help my overall physical health as well.

I feel for her. I think you're doing a great job. And yes, as Angelstory said, just being in a safe, sane environment will help her more than you can imagine. Being somewhere where healthy behaviors are modeled for her will be a huge help too. She is seeing that the life she led was not "normal" and that "normal" can be much different. You wouldn't have to have any talks at all - just letting her be with you is HUGE.
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Old 09-15-2010, 01:55 PM
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Hi GingerM

She did have a single event: her dad shot off a gun 5-7 times when he threatened death, that was the incident that the counselor reported to human services. So we made sure in her last counceling session to assemble some "tools & techniques" to handle when that happens.

I think that it has helped, learning routines too. apparently the body and subconscience remember routines too thougth, as she is often angry when we get home, I couldn't understand why, nothing bad was happneing. her counselor noted it was the time she would routinely enter a hostile enviro, so even though this is not a hostile place, her body remembers it. Wow, that was a shock to me, but made sense.

Thank you everyone for the encouragement, I can't tell you how it helps me feel better about our path.
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