NorthernLight

My mother is an alcoholic. It never really seemed like a big issue growing up to me because I only saw the effects of it occasionally but it's gotten much worse. I am 23 now and when I went off to college my mother was devastated. She never had a job aside from caring for me and my brother, so when we started leaving home, with me going off to college, I guess so did her life's purpose.

She started taking sleeping pills because she was having bad insomnia. Eventually she started abusing those though and apparently taking them during the day and showing up at my brother's high school athletic events all drugged up. I was the one, 300 freaking miles away at college, who stood up and said something to her and the rest of my family. She stopped taking them.

Then not long after the drinking started to increase. She was up in VT, where I go went to school, moving me out of my apartment last year when I noticed her hands trembling. She also got physically sick while she was up her one morning while helping me and had an emotional breakdown. I encouraged her to get help. Another year goes by and my parents come up to help me move again. I noticed her hands are trembling much worse. They were up here for the weekend and everyday I notice my mother gets anxious to go to dinner fairly early in the afternoon (she always drinks wine with dinner).

On the last night they were here, I get a call from the police at 3am. They found my mother passed out on the floor of the hotel bar. Her BAC was over .4. I don't even know how she didn't die. They brought her to the detox center and recommended follow up.

My mother felt very guilty about it, and I told her I wasn't angry and that all I wanted was for her to get help. After this incident I didn't speak to either of my parents very much for a while. I just needed to remove myself, it was too intense and I have a lot going on in my life (trying to prep for grad school applications).

Then last week, I noticed my mom posting some weird stuff on facebook that clued me into the fact that nothing had changed at home (i.e. that she wasn't getting help). So I confronted her and asked if she had been going to AA and she said something along the lines of "tell me what I should be doing." So I tried calling her, she didn't answer and then I sent her email with the names of some therapists around her and the meeting schedule for AA where she is. I never heard back from her.

At the same time I've also contacted my dad asking what's up. (Side note: my dad grew up w/ an alcoholic father and his younger sister committed suicide when I was 10). He of course was like "oh yea she's been acting weird," and agreed to confront her about it. She denied any drinking and said it was due to a fight she had with her mother. He bought it.

I left work to call him today and after the first minute of being on the phone with him I was furious. He always says "she only listens to you," or "you need to say something to HER about it." I got angry and told him I can't fix everything and that's not my job, and told him I was so angry about it. In turn her got pissed at me and told me I need to "learn to control my emotions."

I just wanted some support, for him to tell me that everything was going to be ok and that he was there for me. I feel like I don't have a mother anymore, and I'm angry and sad about it, and I'm allowed to feel that way. I'm just upset that he can't understand that.

My question is, how do I not let this ruin my life? How can I live my life the way I want to and not become a self-destructive person myself when I have such little parental support? I'm a cross-roads in my life and I just don't want to go the wrong way. I guess I'm just posting this hoping that someone can relate and understand, and that someone can tell me that I will be ok and how I can care for myself with this ******** that I've had to deal with.

I will be grateful if anyone that actually reads all of this, haha. Thanks.

jen928

You can not let this ruin your life by continuing to do what you need to do for yourself. I unfortunately did let it ruin my early twenties by doing drugs and escaping from her alcoholism as much as I could. You can not control your mother, just like I can't control my mother. They are both going to drink if they want to drink. They will both sober up if they want to sober up.
You can not let this ruin you. You are not your mother. You do not need to make the same mistakes as your mother.
I'm having a really hard time with my mom's drinking right now and many times throughout the day I think about "what if I become an alcoholic mother?" But in reality, I will never become that person unless I allow myself.
I'm not sure if anything I'm posting is even making sense bc right now I'm going through some serious emotional turmoil due to my own mother's drinking (she's in end stage liver failure). But I just have to continue to remind myself: I didn't cause her alcoholism, I can't control her alcoholism and I can't cure her alcoholism. All I know is I love my mom and I will always love her, no matter how sad and pitiful her own life has become.
You are young, heading into grad school and need to live your life for you, not for your mom. As hard as it might be, you and I have to remember to detach from the alcoholics in our life or we will be emotionally dragged down with them.

justjo

Oh Northernlight, I do understand honey. This is such a horrible thing to have to go through with mum. I tried to help someone for many years and the same deal, the shakes, the phone calls etc etc. She died though last year. For me though, my thinking has changed somewhat now that she has gone. I think about all those years of trying to help her and watching her life deteriorate so much to death even. When I read your post, it kicked in the past and it will destroy you if you let it. It kind of screwed my head up somewhat. When you love someone who is destroying their own life, especially with alcohol or drugs, its hard to understand why it is happening. The only thing I can suggest at this stage, is to learn more and more about alcoholism and this is a great place to start. Then, you may understand the addiction and her more so. As I began to understand it more, it really helped me with the insanity of it. It is true that your mum needs to want to stop. Everyone in the counselling I went to, told me that and I didnt believe it. I use to think that something had to be done to save her (I wish there were a magic pill for it) but there isnt. Learn more, and then, possibly start giving the info to mum and dad. I wish you all the best my dear, for the time being though there isnt much you can do, so concentrate on what you need to do for yourself right now.

tromboneliness

This sounds pretty typical -- shift the blame, deny, say it's someone else's job to "tell me what I should be doing" to get and stay sober, etc. It's hard, because the natural thing is to think that there are ways we can make someone get and stay sober -- but there really aren't.

The thing is, though, that the flip side of "you can't control it" is that you can stop trying, because what you do isn't going to make her get sober anyway, regardless. That -- at least for me -- feels liberating, and it takes a lot of weight off my shoulders. If your Mom wants to get sober -- which is pretty dubious, based on how you're describing her -- that is her thing. She has to make the decision to do what she needs to do -- not tell someone else (i.e., you) that it's their fault if they don't "tell me what I need to do."

T

EveningRose

I think the fact that you recognize the problems and have decided you don't want it to ruin you or turn you toward self destruction is a major and important first step. You seem also to realize that these are your parents' problems, that you are not the problem.

At 23, I was also dealing with alcoholic parents and a dysfunctional, alcoholic family system, but didn't realize it. Even though my dad had been diagnosed a dry drunk, he's a functioning member of society, never shows what we think of as the drunken behaviors. But the control, the anger, the patterns, the roles, are all there. For years, I thought I was the problem like they told me I was.

However, even with that, I think several things helped me stay off the path of self destruction. One, I just am fortunate not to have a taste or desire for alcohol or drugs. That may stem, in part, from the fact that I have always had strong faith, interests and goals in life, and a very clear sense of my own ability to choose my path, perhaps from reading inspirational, self-help type books.

Through high school, what kept me going was my career goal. As a parent, what has helped me stay off the destructive path (at least I think I've done pretty well staying off it) is remembering how it felt as a child, and vowing not to do that to my children. My faith helps me look toward the end of my life and ask, "How do I want to be remembered?" and realize that what I do today and tomorrow is how I'm going to be remembered. Making a decision to try to do something good for someone each day, or somehow put something good in the world, I think, has helped me when I've really been tempted to crawl back under the covers on a bad day.

I went to Al-anon for 6 months (more for issues related to my husband), and it really helped a lot.

NorthernLight

Thank you so much for your responses.

Jen- I appreciate your post and am very sorry to hear about your mother. It sounds like you have a lot of strength though and I hope things get better for you.
justjo, tombbone and eveningrose- very good advice, I am definitely planning on learning as much as I can about addiction. I see a therapist weekly, and I plan to talk about it more there. And I definitely think sticking to my goals and letting go of trying to "fix" the situation as I was prone to doing in the past will help.

I was so upset yesterday and I feel much better now. I sent my dad an apology email for getting so angry with him and he seemed very relieved that I'd done that (in fact he wrote "I thought you were going to be upset with me forever," which I think demonstrates pretty well where he is coming from). I realize his position is very hard and that he has his own history with this that makes it hard to be the father I know he wants to be.

I think I've conceded to the fact that she may never get help. She may well drink herself to death. And there's nothing my dad, my brother or even I can do about it. I plan on starting to attend some al-anon meetings. I attended one a while ago and found it intense and confusing, but I think I'm ready to give it another go.

What's interesting is that for a long time after my mom ended to the hospital when she was up here in VT, I didn't feel extremely upset about it. It like all of a sudden just hit me like a train in the past few days how painful that experience was and how much it effected me.

tabfan

Dear NorthernLight,

Don't walk . . . . RUN to the first Al-Anon meeting you can find! Please. For your own sanity.

The book "Co-dependent No More" helped me a lot. But, the very first book I ever read on the subject of Alcoholism was "Adult Children of Alcoholics". I could hardly get through a page without crying! I've come a long ways since then. It is still a very serious problem. But, I no longer feel responsible. Both my parents died of the disease. I miss them terribly but their life was their life.

Charmie

hello northern light.
my name is Charmie and im a recovered alcoholic,im usually in the other forums but saw your thread and decided to post.
i too am an adult child of an alcoholic mother and the only reason i can cope with this is because of the 12 step programme i live by of Alcoholics Anonymous.
i have just recently asked my mother not to contact me at all unless she wants help.
our whole family has swept my mums illnes under the carpet for as long as i can remember....well i said no more.
i have to put myself first else im no use to anybody...
it a bit like the safety procedure on an airplane...put YOUR oxygen mask on first.
when i first started working on myself with my sponsor the anger and resentment i felt towards my mum was physical,my sponsor told me my whole body language and tone of voice changed...i dont know if my mum will ever get well,she has started appearing at hospitals for "panic attacks" now,she was abusing pain killers not that long ago too...goodness when i write this out i cant believe what it looks like! lol...years and years of sweeping it under the carpet makes the unnaceptable become acceptable i spose,thats what happened to me with my alcoholism...it is a family illness after all.
i love my mum but i do it with detatchment...her stuff is her stuff and i for one am not touching it with a barge pole...i care about myself today and my wellness.
i have had some help from our sister fellowship al-anon but as things stand im doing just fine without joining another 12 step fellowship thanks to the one im in and the wonderful programme i live by,but i would think twice if i needed it.i am so glad you decided to give it another go..the 12 steps are wonderful way of life.
God bless,
Charmie.
hug

NorthernLight

I wanted to add to this thread instead of starting a new thread, because things have progressed since I posted this.

When I went home for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year, the scene was frightening - my mother is literally yellow. I do believe that she is dying and that she will die of this disease if she doesn't get help soon. I've also recently discovered just how deep alcoholism runs in my family. I know my mom's drinking problems have been going on for a while and it's just been covered up well, but the level of denial that my dad and my younger brother are engaging in about this is astronomical and I believe that they both have their own drinking problems as well (my brother has recently approached me about panic attacks that he's developed recently, which I am worried are due to his excessive drinking and my dad, after all of this still binges). In my college years, I drank excessively as well, but my mothers problems over the past few years have scared me straight for now. I know with almost certainty that if I drink, I too will become an alcoholic. So that leaves me as the literally the only person in my immediate family who chooses not to drink and truly believes that my mother has a serious problem. It is a very lonely place to be indeed.

I started attending al-anon recently and have been going to at least 1 meeting a week- 2 if my schedule allows for it. What's difficult is that I'm the youngest person there (I'm 24 now). I feel a bit misplaced. I have been doing some reading on here and elsewhere and have been listening to an audio book on co-dependency, I don't post often because I don't have lots of time, but I felt I really needed to now.

A family member who saw my mother recently has contacted me and we've been talking about it, which has helped a bit, but it's also brought all of these feelings out of me again. I've been good at suppressing them cause I've needed to (for the sake of my work and I am trying to get into grad school right now). She also really wants to do something about/for my mother- I have pretty much given up on doing anything with either of my parents after the last incident because it was clear that neither of them wanted to address their issues. What I'm wondering is, should I do anything? I started to write my dad an email today but I couldn't write a sentence that wasn't thick with anger. This just sucks, I just want to pull myself out of this mess- I love my family but I can't do this anymore.

justjo

You are right Northernlight, you cant do this anymore. There came a time for me too that I had to let it go, there was nothing more I could have done. It was all done.
I too wrote letters to my sister, I was angry, sad, hopeless, frightened. I kept those letters though and reread them over. It helped me grow and be a better person. Sometimes just writing down how you feel, helps alot.
JJ

blueblooms14

NorthernLight,

I understand how the waves of feeling come and go. I’ll be just kind of bouncing along in work and other things and then something will trigger that terrible feeling again. At a family gathering with my daughter present, my mom was laughing about how they used to drink pitchers of Bloody Marys when they spent time at their best friends’ house, the time and place where I was abused as a small child, repeatedly, as they all got drunker and drunker. <sarcasm warning> Hahaha. How funny. That cold reminder of many things led to my having a big anger/resentment wave again. I find that if I choose to still have contact- which I do choose- then painful stuff will come up sometimes. I know that.

Alcoholism is very self-centered thing. Nothing we can do about it, about anyone else’s choices. You’re very wise to give up trying to do anything about how they choose to handle it. I’m certain that the day will never come that my mom would have this dazzling revelation and become “okay”- whatever that is.

I think it’s great that you’re building a life that you want, that you’re directing, with hopes and dreams and action. It makes perfect sense that you can’t do “it” anymore. Really, I don’t think that anyone could be creating and directing a dynamic, positive life and be deeply involved in an alcoholic family. It seems as though the more positive life becomes, the greater the contrast becomes and the more bizarre and extremely uncomfortable it is.

NorthernLight

- writing about it definitely helped. I'm in the psychology field and I always hear or read about people saying certain things are triggering- I guess I finally understand what a trigger is in reality for me . This just points to the importance of going to al-anon and discussing this w/ trusted people (sober family members/trusted friends/therapist). Thanks so much again, and I hope this is a good day for everyone.

Willybluedog

Please be strong, take time for yourself, pray, meditate, go to therapy, whatever works for you.

I am 48 an have been dealing with an alcoholic mother for over 30 years, remarkably she has not had any major health issues until this last year. Even though her doctors have told her she is killing herself she refuses to stop.

My mother would rather drink than spend time with any of her 3 grandchildren, my dad has stayed with her because he is afraid she will destry herself.

I have struggled for years with hating her self absorbed behavior.

The book "Conversations with God" has been a huge help in my life.

I hope it gets better for you.

CSHNow

I believe that the more opportunity you have to read these Forums and hear the experiences of others will help you considerably and also of course the Alanon meetings. I have found that reading the posts in these Forums of the alcoholics themselves also helps me have some insight. I grew up with my mother's heavy drinking and denial. She ruined her health and now at 87 is bedridden after breaking her hip in 2009. Now she rarely drinks and the rest of us are her caregivers 24/7.. I love her a lot, always have, but have also hated her in the past. Alcoholism is devastating to everyone involved. I was happiest when I had more distance, less contact, and more focus on a life of my own. Life has a way of drawing us back in, of course, sort of like Karma maybe.
At your age you are dealing with too much responsibility. You are obviously very caring and kind. I hope you can find a way to be that way for yourself. Life is worth it ! Your parents and family all make their own choices and will face their own consequences as long as we do not rescue them even emotionally. Very hard to do. Tough love. If you were your own daughter or son what would you want for them ? Alcoholics are very needy...... but you cannot be everything they need and want. We have to be there for ourselves. I believe that detachment is critical for your future wellbeing. jmho. Your success could be a gift to your family in time. :day6

NorthernLight

Thank you both for your advice. I am finding that reading is really helping. Going to meetings is as well... but only to a point. I don't really know how to use meetings, I don't know if that makes sense. I go, I listen and then I leave. I've only been to several meetings thus far, but I have yet to really make a contribution and I don't really talk to anyone.

I feel a little lost there, like I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. And I don't like that feeling- it's a feeling that I know well, and that I strongly dislike. I think that relates to things from my past. For some reason I've always had this thing where I need to know what to do, what to say, how to say it, etc. before it's even possible to have learned these things. I don't know why I expect this of myself- I think it relates to not being able to vulnerable or something. I don't really know, but I think that it's a huge barrier to truly loving myself. I expect so much that I'm constantly letting myself down. It's a huge pressure. To help myself with this, I've been just saying to myself over and over "let go and let God." That has been a huge help.

I have a lot on my mind, I have lots of things coming up that relate to my future, so I am really trying to work at this stuff but not beat myself up at the same time. It's not an easy thing.

Goldberry

Hi Northern Light,

I know how you feel being a little isolated or reserved with others. I didn't say anything at the meetings for quite a while. I just listened and soaked in the information because I had none. You don't have to say anything until you feel you want to get something off your chest so to speak. I have been going to Ala-non meetings for about 9 mos now and I have been slow to get into the program's dynamics. I am not technically "working" the steps but am aware of them and have thought about how they work into my life. But I come back almost every week because I have made some friends there and even though I only see them at the meetings it's comforting to know there are others going through similar situations who care and share ideas which I may find useful in my own life. I encourage you to keep going and hopefully it will click with you eventually. Each person handles the beginning of something differently. Hang in there and you may hear something that can help you not only with your mother, like I have with mine, but even help with your own feelings. You may even find a friend or two to talk to as you open up more. Keep reading the literature too and Keep looking up!!

GingerM

Perhaps reframing your expectations of yourself might help. Instead of saying "I'm supposed to be doing something, contributing somehow, but I don't know how," you could try saying "I'm supposed to be listening and thinking about how the stories of others and the discussions affect my ability to cope with the situation." The first statement is external (someone else is expecting something of you, you need to do something so that the people around you see some action on your part). The second statement is entirely internal (you think to yourself, you ponder things in your own head).

If you can change that framework so that your expectations more closely meet what you're actually doing, you may find the meetings less stressful and triggering (note: they will probably still be triggering, just not in the same way). After all, you're not going to those meeting to prove anything to any of the other people at the meeting. You're going there to help YOU.

Ginger

Smithers

Hi NorthernLight!

I'm in a situation that is similar to yours. I'm currently 22 and also going to college. In my first three years away from home I thought about my alcoholic mother almost every minute of every day; "how is she doing? is she drunk now? I hope she didn't get arrested again, I hope she's not driving." I had trouble falling asleep. After all, I would always be the one to clean up her mess, occasionally with the help of my brother and father, not rarely making up excuses to explain to other people why, for instance, we can't have them over for dinner tonight (mom suddenly caught a "fever"). I would always try to cheer her up, try to give her hope in an effort to make her see that there is a bright side to life so that maybe she'll find the courage to quit drinking.

Now slowly but surely I am, like you, starting to understand that there is a fair possibility that she will never change. Certainly nothing that I do or say could ever change her behavior. My life is my life, and hers is hers. I will always love her and I don't think that anything she does would make me love her less. I'll be there for her, but not if she keeps dwelling on the same (non-)issues that we've discussed countless times already. It's just tiring. What else is tiring is that I'm also, like you, often really the only person that she'll listen to. It just makes letting go and taking your distance that extra bit harder, but I can tell you that I'm happier now because I don't have to worry about her all the time anymore.

I think what you should do is to try to make yourself understand that you cannot change her. Focus on your own life and be happy with yourself. Be glad that you've made that decision not to drink so that you don't end up like her. I feel guilty sometimes for trying more actively to take my distance because at times I feel like I'm abandoning her. But remember that just because you're not constantly there anymore to catch her fall doesn't automatically mean that you love her less.

One last thing: it's great that you're at least giving Al-Anon a try. I have yet to take that step...

NorthernLight

I know this well. It's what keeps us in the dysfunction. But like you said mom isn't going to listen to actually listen to anything anyone says. My mother uses the "i'll only listen to you tactic" because she knows I have such a deep-seeded desire to be an effective person- I have a need to make things happen (something that I am trying to work to let go of) and I also have a susceptibility to feeling guilty when I am not helping out/being there for someone (working on this as well). This is practically the perfect combination to keep reeling me in with that same simple tactic over and over.

I am really trying to give al-anon a chance. I will not stop going even if it's hard- I mean there have been times where I've felt lonelier going to al-anon because there's no one there who's around my age there. Most have families- kids and husbands/wives. I am so not at the point yet! And it really separates me. I know that we've all dealt with the same issues and I know that I am the one who is very likely separating myself, but I so yearn for someone to be at these meetings who is trying to get through school or their 20's dealing with these issues. It's not that I'm not open, it's more that I don't want to feel so damn alone.

But on the other side of the coin, I can see how I need to develop some patience- being there and just listening to people talk about this IS helping little by little. And by being there every week, I'm recognizing the problem this is causing me in my life. I'm not pushing it to the back of the closet like I used to. I would encourage you to try out a few meetings, just because there is probably someone at one of the meetings around you like me who is just waiting for someone like you to show up

Smithers

Exactly. I have a whole bunch of things in my head that I want to say to her, but I won't because it doesn't make a difference anyway...
I'll definitely give these Al-Anon meetings a try. Just need to find the time