EveningRose

Despite staying away from my parents, I had another unpleasant experience this morning. I'm also dealing with a husband who lies and has a string of secret female friends, and has many of the marks of a sociopath. I recently talked with a woman at church who is dealing with the same thing.

This morning, I ran into her and she warned me to be very careful who I talk to because "your mother says you have a...'big imagination.'"

In January, I lit into my dad about his past abuses. He told me, "You're imagining it all." (No, really, I don't think I 'imagined' being thrown on the bed and having his hands around my neck.) My parents know what I think my husband is up to. But over the years, my mother has told me if I were just a better wife, he'd stop, if his family mistreats me, it's my fault, it's no wonder he abandoned me with small children, and many other unpleasant things. She tells people, including my own friends and children, stories about me from literally 35 years ago to illustrate my supposed faulty character--and the stories are not actually true. She has spent years telling me if someone is mean to me, I must have done something. My dad has blamed his marriage problems on me. My mother has told me not to jump to conclusions about the 4 flattened and punctured tires and 6 weeks of nightly hang-up calls in the wake of my husband ending his e-mail affairs with two different women!

So I'm not even sure whether my supposed 'big imagination' is referring to what I said to my dad or what I told them about my husband. But she's now going around telling people essentially either that I'm crazy or making things up. And I'm being warned that at least some people actually believe this about me!

What I'm wondering today, as I think about how common this scapegoating of one member of the family is...is do they even KNOW they're doing it? I get this same garbage from my sisters, one in particular, and I don't even blame her. She grew up hearing this stuff about me, so of course she thinks it. But in alcoholic families, do the parents know what they're doing? And why does the scapegoating land on the particular child it does? How do they 'choose' who will be the scapegoat? Why is it so often the second?

Melba

As a child a parent or parents may see something in a particular child that they negatively identify with and proceed to project all that negativity about themselves they are unable to deal with on to that child. But as an adult one has choices, why do you allow yourself to be in this situation? I was the scapegoat as a child but as an adult I divorced myself from my foo, I have no idea what dramas they have going now.

suki44883

Perhaps it's time to detach from them. If you have no contact, you won't be affected by their lies. It might also be best not to talk about your issues with anyone other than a counselor, or very close friends who don't have any contact with your family. It has often been said around here that what other people think of me is none of my business. In this particular case, those are wise words.

bubblehead

What you are talking about it standard abusive behavior. It's really common. I disconnected myself from my mother for awhile because I felt like she was driving me crazy. She will tell you a stop sign is green even if you can see it is red. My dad fought her in court for 10 years for custody of my brother and I due to abuse from her second husband. After my dad passed away. she would constantly bring it up and tell me how my dad was "lying" and "put a lot of things in my head". When my first husband became abusive, she took his side. She wouldn't lift a finger to help me, and even did things to make life harder. I felt like everyone hated me. I finally got out on my own, but not without some serious issues.
Now that my mother's second husband is dead, she will somewhat acknowledge the truth, qualifying it by saying she didn't know what was going on. Again, I don't bring it up. She does, and THATS what tells me she KNOWS. Well, besides the fact that it all happened right in front of her face.
They know the truth. Trying to convince you and others that you are crazy is a form of control.

suki44883

Yeah, that's really sad. It is all too apparent that some people should definitely not have children. The good thing is, once you make it to adulthood, you don't have to associate with them anymore, while working on correcting the damage they caused. It's a shame that it sometimes has to be that way, though.

EveningRose

Apart from the one attempt in January, I have disconnected from my family. I haven't spoken to my dad in 18 months, and my mother for nearly 2 years. I have pulled away from my sisters. This latest news about what my mother is saying came totally unsolicited, and I guess you're right, the only way to prevent a future occurence of that is to stay away even from her friends, too. (I know this particular friend of hers from church.)

I was told elsewhere, that the only real answer is to put physical distance between myself and them. Sad, as I really thought my dad had changed and we moved back exactly so that my children could have a relationship with their relatives. And now my children are upset that we made this big move exactly to be with family, and now I won't actually go to any family events.

I was just curious how deliberate this scapegoating is, and how much of it is the result of sick and twisted dysfunction such that they REALLY can't even see how bizarre their thinking is.

Thanks all for the help.

least

I'd have no contact with her or anyone else in your family. I'm in a similar situation but it's my 'adult' daughter blaming me for everything, and even sometimes dragging up my short career as an alcoholic as proof that Im a bad mother/bad person. I'm about to cut ties with her as I don't need that crap in my life and she's going to have to deal with her feelings and her life on her own, without having me to kick around when she's upset.

I'd go no contact. Sounds like the wisest course of action right now...

utopia

i think its hard to let go, when its blood family, its been so long. there so much involved. so much complex and personal attachment.

i only know that for me, i found going to more meetings when i was confused with it helped me, step 1 2 and 3 helped me make the choices right for me, knowing that i deserve to be here just because i was born, that i dont have to accept unacceptable behaviour but i dont have the right to impose my standards on others....the choices available to me do become clearer, the more i work my program on me. step 11 helped me gain greater clarity and direction.

just keep coming back.

EveningRose

This is it. I can understand my mother being a sick mess as a result of spending years with my father's abuse (mostly emotional and verbal, sometimes physical). It's a whole different story if she sees clearly and deliberately lies about me to people. For instance, I have told her exactly why I didn't get confirmed at 17 (because nobody taught me what it was I was supposedly agreeing to) and to this day, she tells people it's because she wouldn't buy me a dress. This is just not even remotely true.

I guess, as I type this, I have to ask myself why I give her the benefit of the doubt and wonder, did she not hear me? Did she forget? Does she think I'm lying? But I guess as a mother, I would LISTEN when my kids tells me something that important.

(I don't know why she would dismiss me as a liar, since I was very honest growing up--except to say that I know she makes snap judgments about people and never lets go of that first decision. Maybe I told a lie when I was three and that's why she still regards me as a liar? Maybe this is a case of she herself lies so she assumes others do, too?)

But I just can't believe a parent would flat out lie about their own child. I would never do that to my kids.

FWIW, she once told my sister that she (my mom) regarded it as her (my mom's) job to make sure my sister didn't get a big head! Hence the tearing down. My sister was tall, thin, attractive, and very smart. Now she's a high-strung 44 year old with temper problems. Gee, I wonder how that happened?

Maybe I just have to get back to regarding her as impaired and accepting that I will never understand why she does such awful things. But in the meantime, some people are actually believing these things about me, and there's no stopping her.

suki44883

I remember when my daughter was younger and would be upset because someone believed something about her that wasn't true. I asked if that person had come to her and asked about the situation and she said no. I told her that anyone who would believe something bad about you without first asking you about it, isn't really a friend and she shouldn't worry about what they think. I still believe that. If these people don't pay your bills or if these people can't get you into heaven, then their opinion isn't worth squat. YOU know the truth. That is what is important. Ending contact with them (and your mother) might be necessary. If contact with her just makes you miserable, why would you choose to be around her? It doesn't really matter whether or not she knows what she is doing. If it hurts you, then it is a problem.

EveningRose

I have not gone near my mother in about 2 years. And you're right, these people at church don't matter. I don't even know who they are. In fact, given the conversation, the woman telling me this, MAY have been talking to my mother personally and heard it directly from my mother, and not wanted to tell me that. Regardless, I've been sorting out what it is I'm really worried about, and I'm afraid that between my husband lying to cover his misbehahavior and my alcoholic family saying these things for whatever reason (deliberate or dysfunction), I'm afraid of them jointly turning my children against me. The older ones are old enough to go visit on their own if they like.

My friends who know me and my children keep telling me my children love and respect me and to have more faith in them to sort out the truth.