Giving up the Dreams

 
Old 07-17-2010, 09:36 AM
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Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
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Giving up the Dreams

For those of you that have known me here, you know how hard I've worked to become a better person. You walked me through the darkest hours of my life. I can never ever express my thanks in a way that even begins to show you how much that love and support means to me.

I went from a blubbering suicidal mess, who couldn't even leave her home any more, to a confident, calm, loving person again who dared to start dreaming again, dared to open her heart up to other people again, and even dared to love again. Not to mention, I leave my home regularly now.

I credit all of this to you guys. I never made it to any face to face meetings, I made it to the parking lot once, but that is as far as I ever got.

I bought the burned out motel/restraunt, and for the last 5 years, have poured my heart and soul into it. I saved a piece of history that was built in the 20's. Even after having our home cleaned out during Christmas and all our tools stolen, I still had serenity, I still pushed forward. Even when my daughter was date raped and ended up pregnant, I still had serenity and pushed forward. Every spare dime I could save, went into re-building that motel. See, I had a dream again. I dreamed of finishing that motel and having a place to invite all of you to. A gathering place. A place that maybe I could give back to you all for what you had given to me.

I was almost there. Drywall was almost done, carpet rolls sitting and waiting to be installed. The restraunt had been completed now for about 2 years, just had to finish up the motel side. Then Brett died. Everything stopped. I struggled with starting up again, to finish the dream that I started. I wanted my next post here to be a big suprise to all of you, a post of dreams come true, a place of peaceful beauty, with flowing creeks and beautiful mountains, for all to use to gather when they needed to leave their problems behind. A place that we could meet each other and give real hugs.

Two days ago, I finely got myself in a mental frame of mind to go finish what I had started. If for no other reason, than to honor all those that had helped me through the pain of addicted loved ones. I had left it to attend Brett's funeral and had not been back because of the grief that I was still dealing with.

When I arrived, I was crushed. It's destroyed. All the electrical has been cut out, stripped to the bone. Air conditioners gone. Drug addiction strikes again. Five years down the tubes.

I can't do it any more. It will be the first thing in my life that I started and never finished. Just the fact that Brett died stealing to supply his habit and someone elses habit stealing my dreams, it's too much. It's time to let go of it and let HP guide me.

I'm done. It's all going up for sale as-is. I'm moving back to Florida as soon as I financially can. I will never get to post that post telling all of you that it was done. I'll never get to meet you and tell you in person the impact that you have had on my life. It was a wonderful dream that carried me through many many nights. In reality, I guess I don't need that building to show or hold onto how I feel about all of you. To show my gratitude.

Ann - You have made the biggest impact on my life. I want you to know that. No matter what life brings either of us, know that in my eyes, you are a human angel. Your peace and serenity are an anchor for so many people, even though they may not voice it, people hold onto your example. Thank You.

Greeteachday - Hon, you reached out to my son and daughter during a very hard time in all of our lives, because of that, you renewed my faith in "good people" still being out there when I could no longer see that. Thank You.

Splendra - You taught me to dance in the rain again. Thank You.

All of you - have renewed my faith in mankind. With all that is wrong in this world today, when I get discouraged, all I have to do is remember all of you. Your shining example of humans loving humans, strangers helping strangers.
It is a shining light to humanity, to the true good in this world that is hard sometimes to see.

Drug addiction surrounds us, no matter how much we detach or seperate ourselves from it, no one escapes the web of its impact. What helps us survive are people like you helping other people like you. Thank You.

I'm opening the next chapter in my life. Letting go of a dream and concentrating on my family, my grandbabies. Taking a break because I feel I don't have anything to offer right now. But I didn't want to leave without saying goodby and at least trying to let all of you know how much you have changed my life for the better.

Thank You.
B
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Old 07-17-2010, 11:16 AM
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Hey there

Originally Posted by frankly View Post
.... I never made it to any face to face meetings, I made it to the parking lot once.....
no worries. I made it to the parking _lot_ many times. Many, many times. I understand.

Originally Posted by frankly View Post
.... but that is as far as I ever got. .....
well yeah, but there's always tomorow There's a very famous southern lady who's known for that line.

Originally Posted by frankly View Post
.... See, I had a dream again. I dreamed of finishing that motel and having a place to invite all of you to. A gathering place. A place that maybe I could give back to you all for what you had given to me......
I dunno about that. See, for the last few years here on SR you have already given us that place. The way it works for me, it's not the buildings where people are that have helped me thru the dark times in my life. It's the kindness and compassion in their hearts. Your posts have been filled with that love for many years now. We have all had that calm, comforting place to turn to, and it's been in your heart. Not in some building.

Originally Posted by frankly View Post
.... It will be the first thing in my life that I started and never finished. .....
The building? It wasn't about the building. I saw that five years ago when we first started chatting. You have been building _you_ for the last five years. The motel was just something physical that went along for the ride. _You_ are the one that you started repairing five years ago and you sound pretty darn polished to me.

Originally Posted by frankly View Post
.... I'll never get to meet you and tell you in person the impact that you have had on my life. .....
Excuse me? There's a ton of SR folk that live in Florida, if that is where you decide to go. And there's a whole nother bunch of alanoids you can meet in any person just past that parking lot you and I have had so much trouble with. If you think the only place we can meet is in a building, then we have seriously failed to explain what recovery means to us.

Originally Posted by frankly View Post
.... In reality, I guess I don't need that building to show or hold onto how I feel about all of you. To show my gratitude......
Exactly right. Totally.

You know one good way to show your gratitude? Go past that parking lot and welcome a newcomer. One that is as much a blubbering mess today as you once were a long time ago.

Originally Posted by frankly View Post
....I'm opening the next chapter in my life. .....
You go!!!! girl !!!!

Originally Posted by frankly View Post
.... Taking a break because I feel I don't have anything to offer right now. But I didn't want to leave without saying goodby.....
nope. sorry. "goodbye" not accepted. You need a break, fine. You need some time to heal, fine. You need to recover and get yourself back together, fine.

Goodbye is not fine. You'll have to exchange that for a "See you later", or "back shortly". Those are good.

and while you are healing, have a big ol :ghug3 cuz you're part of our "SR family"

Mike
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Old 07-17-2010, 01:26 PM
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I have had dreams and I have had nightmares, but I have conquered my nightmares because of my dreams.

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Old 07-17-2010, 02:41 PM
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Frankly

I wish you peace comfort and healing
just dont stay away for to long you will be missed
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Old 07-17-2010, 04:37 PM
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Mike, I love you Bro. Always remember that. You were the very first person here to make me laugh, then you made me stop and think. You helped me to free my mind and appreciate the true beauty all around me. I will treasure that always. Big Hugs.
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Old 07-17-2010, 04:41 PM
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(((((((chino))))))) ((((((((((liesagain)))))))))

These hugs come right through this computer screen.
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Old 07-17-2010, 05:15 PM
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Frankly, I'm sorry to hear that your dreams of your motel being finished didn't work out for you, but remember, everything happens for a reason. And GOD puts you, where he wants you. If he wants you in Florida, you could still go on the computer from Florida and come on to SR. So, what I'm saying is you don't have to leave us.

I don't know who Brett is to you, but whoever he is, it sounds like you love him very very much, and I am so sorry for your loss. If that's his picture on your avatar he certainly is a gorgeous young man. GOD only takes the good ones. I don't know why life is so painful. Life gets rough, and then it gets better, and then it gets rough again. And then it gets better again. That's just the way life is. I have lost loved ones too, and I know how tough it is, and what it feels like to feel grief. That's where support is so important.

Please come back.
We are a family on here.
There's so much Love and Support.

Never give up on your dreams. I feel if we can suffer the heartaches in life, we can also celebrate the blessings that come our way. In other words, If bad things happen to us, so can the good things. I believe it's now time for good to come your way.

I don't know you, but I'm wishing you peace and happiness wherever you go, and whatever you do.
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Old 07-17-2010, 08:58 PM
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Hugs to you, Frankly, this has been a difficult journey for sure. I have to agree with Mike, that some of the best you can do is to go to a face to face meeting and to share with a newcomer. You have such an amazing way of sharing your story.

More hugs and love to you. Please don't stay away so long next time.
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Old 07-18-2010, 04:22 AM
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(((frankly)))

Oh sweetie, dreams don't die that easy, sometimes they bring us "the gift" and then become new dreams.

The restoration of that motel has been your strength, your healthy distraction and yes, your dream. I don't pretend to know God's plan for any of us, but experience has taught me that he leads me to where I am supposed to be, and it's all good. You are being led, frankly, your life just took a detour but you have to trust in that new path that lies ahead...just around the corner out of sight right now.

Maybe God gave you that motel to use for your recovery, and maybe the time has come for better things in your life.

Something you wrote back in 2008 has always stuck with me. You said this to Lightseeker when she needed encouragement to find her new path...and it sooooo applies today, frankly....

Originally Posted by frankly
Somewhere between the gator swamp and the Taj Mahal, there is a path, it may be hidden, overgrown or it may just blend in with all the other surroundings, but it is there. It's your path, and it is calling you hun.
There isn't a doubt in my mind that all this is the beginning of something new, something wonderful, just waiting for you to show up and find it. It's there, frankly, your path is calling you, you just can't hear it about the noise of disappointment right now.

I love you dear girl, you have inspired me more than you could ever know (sheesh, look how I remember your posts from 2008). We may not all be able to get together at the Recovery Motel, but anytime you are in my neighbourhood there is a welcome chair and guestroom just waiting for you.

Please don't run away, hang on to your support here and know that you are loved.

Angel with a tarnished halo hugs
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Old 07-18-2010, 06:00 AM
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frankly,

you have written and beautiful and heart-breaking post.

it is clear you have much strength and wisdom. i can only imagine the pain that was yours when, after the most difficult and painful event in your life, you walked into that place of dreams. how utterly awful.

it is also clear that you will most definitely prevail.

please keep coming to s/r from time to time. i am hoping to have a little s/r weekend this fall. in florida.
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Old 07-18-2010, 06:27 AM
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Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
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Thank You Angelic. Brett was a little boy that grew up with my boys. He was like a son.

((((Cats))))

((((Ann))))

I will always carry my recovery with me. Maybe I'm running away, I don't know. But I do know that lately every where that I turn, I see addiction and the pain that it causes. I feel that I need to seperate myself from it as much as possible. When I come on here any more, I just cry. So much pain, so much loss. I get angry at my HP. Wondering why such good people are always the ones to bear the pain of others actions. Why does a mom loose her child, a child his parent.

I'm just overwhelmed and need to step back.
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Old 07-18-2010, 06:34 AM
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Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
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(((coffee)))

I will be fine. I know in my heart that I will. It's all part of realizing that material things just aren't important. It's time to be in my grandbabies lives. They are two years old now, they need their grandma to be close.....and I need them.
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Old 07-18-2010, 07:26 AM
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Frankly, I know you pretty well and one day soon I think you will see this (not the death but the detour in plans) as a blessing in disguise...one of God's strangely wrapped gifts. It's just hard to get to that good place without first walking through the pain.

Take a break whenever you need to, find joy wherever you can, just know we are here and we care.

And we're rooting for you all the way.
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Old 07-18-2010, 09:39 AM
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Frankly I am sorry sometimes lifes not fair but one thing i know for sure When one door closes another opens.Enjoy those grandchildren.Good luck
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Old 07-18-2010, 11:10 AM
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Time for a new dream!

I too, can understand why you want to move forward from this board. I did for 2 years, I just needed a break. Then, I decided that I might have something to say that will help just one someone, and, back I came.

You know, I think we do have the internet in Florida,if we don't, I have some special powers that I need to market! Stop in once and awhile just to say Hi!

I wish you the best, enjoy the beauty of Florida!
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Old 07-18-2010, 11:30 AM
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Originally Posted by frankly View Post
Thank You Angelic. Brett was a little boy that grew up with my boys. He was like a son.

((((Cats))))

((((Ann))))

I will always carry my recovery with me. Maybe I'm running away, I don't know. But I do know that lately every where that I turn, I see addiction and the pain that it causes. I feel that I need to seperate myself from it as much as possible. When I come on here any more, I just cry. So much pain, so much loss. I get angry at my HP. Wondering why such good people are always the ones to bear the pain of others actions. Why does a mom loose her child, a child his parent.

I'm just overwhelmed and need to step back.

Frankly, if your trying to avoid anything that is related to addiction, that's going to be real tough. Addiction is everywhere. It's all around us. I can't go to Starbucks without running into someone who is suffering due to this disease. Some mother who is upset over her child. Some kid who is upset over his/her addict mother.
It's everywhere. I understand that you need to step back for a while. I have been there and done that too. But one thing I know for sure, is that the way I feel today, doesn't neccessarily mean I will feel that way tomorrow. What your feeling today, you might not feel tomorrow.

If you don't come back to this site, I can see that there is an awful lot of people who are going to miss you. People that remember your posts from years ago. That's so amazing. Hang in there. Everything will be alright. You'll see.


One sure thing in life is change, and things are always changing.
I sure hope that things change for the better when it comes to drug and alcohol addiction. Here's hoping that all of these substances will some day be banned. I know it's a multi-trillion dollar business, and that is highly unlikely. When ridiculous amounts of money is involved, regardless of the consequences, these things are allowed to continue because of greed.

The thing with addiction, is that it's killing everyone. It doesn't discriminate.
Race,Creed, or Color, Rich or Poor, It doesn't discriminate. It's an epidemic.
Even the people who are benefiting from this multi-trillion dollar business, they are suffering with addiction in their families too. It's hard to avoid.
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Old 07-18-2010, 01:18 PM
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Frankly,

I thought I was done coming to SR too, and I soon discovered the hard way that I needed the support and friendship. I remember you from when I first started posting here, and if I remember correctly (didn't want to leave this thread to double check) you had a lot of great advice and encouragement for me. Thank you for that.

But I'm with Mike on this one. I really hope you don't mean that you're leaving us for good. Please come back and visit from time to time, even if it's just to let us know how you're doing.
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Old 07-18-2010, 02:26 PM
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Hey there my sweet friend. Even when you are not here on the boards, you are always with me. Just like Kristen; just like Brett is for you.. A gentle spirit, a loving presence. You have been a light guiding me and such an inspiration. I'm so sorry about the hotel, but I know the next chapter is one you are being lead to...it will be okay.

Please don't stay away too long, even if you just stop by and say hi. I understand completely the need to be away from the pain. Open your heart to joy, and no matter how much pain is around, you will find the joy. Be well, my friend...safe journey
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Old 07-18-2010, 03:08 PM
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We all need to step back sometimes. So sorry for you loss. I am new here, but your story brought me to tears. Please let me know if I can help!

Melissa
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Old 07-18-2010, 09:20 PM
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It takes time to regroup after disappointment.
I bet you will work out how to see brighter days ahead.
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