What causes jealousy? my story..

Old 07-14-2010, 08:02 PM
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What causes jealousy? my story..

I would love to ask a question, of other ACA's. First a bit of my story.
I had two alcoholic parents. My father was an alcoholic when he married my mother. he had been married twice before, with three children from each wife. He had us three girls with my mom.

All i remember is fighting, when he came home from the bar, and him passing out. Lost jobs, due to drinking . think he took off several times, on binges, coming back months later, begging and promising. we lived with my grandmother half of my childhood, as he drank his way out of jobs. He and my mom fought, and he would always ruin every holiday, being drunk, and argumentative. My mom would try to calm us, but she was not in the best of mental states. She was probably depressed, and never kept house very well. I remember my dad, when sober, begging her to clean the house.

when he was sober, he loved me, and taught me manners, told me stories, and held me on his lap while watching sports or reading the paper. He was pretty much unavailable for anything of my school events. I was always ashamed to have any friends over, and felt ashamed from an early age, about what we did not have. when I was 12, my mother finally decided to divorce my dad.

I was the oldest of us three girls, and the responsibility of taking care of us girls fell on me a lot. My mom did not make sure we had breakfast or clean clothes, let alone clean house. She promptly went to work uptown in a bar, and began to date, leaving us alone a good bit, at night, after her bar shift. we were exposed to several alcoholic bf's- tho they were usuallly married men and were only occasionally seen.

we had to move, and went to stay with grandma again. on her farm, the best times of my life. she taught me how to work, how to love the natural things. how to garden, and how to be clean, and care about how i looked.
mother was depressed i'd imagine, and read, slept, and smoked most of the time. we never had her ear, about any problem. did not even go to her for anything, as she always seemed "sick" or tired. I realize she was very depressed.

we lived out of town, and she was not working, and did not even try to find a way to support us. she met and married the mailman, and finally we had things that we had never had before- new clothes, a nice house, laughter and fun. my own room- wow!

mother became pregnant, had our little brother, and things went south. she began to be unhappy cleaning, cooking, being a new mom again. she began to go uptown to the bar with a girl friend, and did this too much. she began to drink a lot. she made a choice, to let her marriage fall apart. step dad was a good man , and i stayed close to him , until his death, a few years ago.

to make this short, my stepdad divorced her, and when it became apparent that she was becoming an alcoholic, he got custody of my brother. with our blessings, cause she became a monster, drinking vodka, all day long . she got a job, at a factory, making good money , but lost that job, by taking vodka to work in her thermos. she drank so badly, she passed out each night.burning holes in the chair she sat in nearly 245/7. she was terrible, and evil when drunk.
we girls got married quickly, moved out, my two sisters getting pregnant first then marriage. my mothers health deteriorated quickly, she lost a kidney, and had to stop drinking. too late tho, for she died at 62 of heart attack, due to ruining her health, with drink and smoke. my real father died when i was 17, and he was 51 years old. he had quit drinking too , but smoking and drinking took its toll on his heart too. i had not seen him since he had moved far away, and i was 12. all of us girls have struggled with marriages, and relationships.

it was when i was 35 and attending cosmetology school that i made a friend. she and i hit it off, and she said that she could tell that i had background of alcoholics. she was a recovering alcoholic, and introduced me to ACA meetings. I then found out what was wrong with me. I learned so many things, and stopped doing some very destructive things, and learned to forgive myself, and others. i have shared it with my sisters, tho the middle sis and i to this day have no relationship to speak of, as she is always a "victim", pushing us away.tough situation, even now. she denies being so mean to me, and its ramifications. iknow that she was just a victim, then, but it is hard now, as i think she may have a personality disorder.

my problem , among others, is that i am so jealous when i am in a relationship. i have been married 4 times,the last divorce being two years ago. never married an alcoholic, #1 was a selfish patholiogical liar (i think), #2 was the most gorgeous man in the world, and I was so insecure, i was consumed with jealousy when he was around other women. #3 was a rage-aholic, and i married him on the rebound after divorced by #2, who i still loved, but lost. #4 was discovered to be a porn freak, and creepy, as i realized he was lusting after my grown daughters. divorced him about 2years ago. only had three children with #1- glad I kept it simple that way-lol

I have just always felt so jealous, when i am in a relationship, and they are around any women i feel inferior to. i know that this is gross, to be jealous. and i tried so hard to over come it. my kids are afraid of me to meet anyone else, for fear ill just do it again. so am i, to be honest.
i have always been fairly attractive, and had no really good reason , except that everyone of these men were not honest with me, in some capacity. as soon as i found that they were capable of lying , it made me really distrustful.

one note- i had an uncle-by marriage- who was a molester. he fondled us, when the adults were not in the room. as soon as i was old enough to realize i did not want to go around him, i avoided him, but never told anyone. my sisters were victimized as well, and we just stayed away from him- may he burn forever in h---.

i cannot believe that no one realized that this man was hanging around the children too much. they were stupid, or naive. he did this to others in the family as well.

my other sisters did not turn out to be jealous- just me. i do remember that sometimes my father, when he was drunk, would take his other daughters pictures (from his first marriage) and brag about how beautiful they were. that stuck in my memory, so maybe it bothered me?

how could my whole life be ruined by jealousy, tho three of those marriages shoudl not have happened, and the other is questionable really. i am happy to have my three children tho. they were the sunshine in my life, and i was a happy mom, determined to make our relationship better than mine was.
i remember crying myself to sleep, wishing my mom would come tell me she love me and good nigiht. i remember getting up and going to her, crying , and telling her i loved her. she did put her book down long enough to kiss me goodnight. we never hugged or any of the good stuff.

i do remember that my mom and my middle sister always made fun of me, for something like tripping over my own feet, or my nose being big ( it was not, just bigger than my little sisters) my sister was trying to get the approval of my mom, who seemed to have a very sick sense of humor. and no idea of how a young girl could be scarred for life, by things like that.

I know that we were fortunate, as we were not beaten, but the verbal abuse from my mom was relentless. she always smacked us in the face, or called us s--t a--. we would dodge as she walked by us, and if we did it in front of others she would get so embarrassed, and laugh like she did not know why we did that. my mom was really sick. and i see it so clearly, as i write about it.
i have forgiven her and my dad- they did the best they could, being sick as they were. i know they loved us. only they were sick, and messed up them selves.

I just want to know, why has jealousy ruled my thoughts and life, when i am in a relationship? It's always something.........

thank you, for letting me tell my story. I have never done this, and it hurts to see how we were treated.
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Old 07-14-2010, 08:51 PM
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Hello!! I understand how you feel....once I realized my husband is capable of lying (usually about drinking and drugs) I now don't trust anything he says. So often he is lying when I confront him and denies it at first. I have extreme jealousy issues as well even though I know that he is lucky to have me. His behavior over the years does not warrant the loyalty I continue to have for him. I know all this yet I am a jealous freak. Facebook is a major sore spot for us. I too have Daddy issues...by no means as sad a story that you have had...I wonder if that could be why? Always needing a mans approval? Good luck to you...I hope you find peace.
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Old 07-14-2010, 08:56 PM
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Thanks Justie,
I am sorry that you have those issues too. it is painful isn't it? no matter how i try, i cant figure it out. i have researched it , for years, and it was a major cause of shame, to add to the other shames that i carried. silly, but i used to tell myself, "at the end of my life, i am gonna be mad at myself, for wasting time being jealous over nothing", as i was so often.
good luck to you sweetie.
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Old 07-15-2010, 06:58 AM
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Hi Chicory.
I'm new to this forum myself, although I was introduced to the concept of ACOAs nearly 10 years ago. I commend you for all the work you've done on yourself, for your own sake as well as the sake of your children. However, I think you could be gentler on yourself about this jealousy you have. You've identified it as a problem, and I'm sure you'll work it out, just as well as you've worked out so much of the rest of your trauma and the way that trauma has manifested itself into your life, choices and outlook. After all, look at all you've been through.

Originally Posted by chicory View Post
when he was sober, he loved me, and taught me manners, told me stories, and held me on his lap while watching sports or reading the paper.
Parents are "supposed" to love their children all the time. Not just when they feel like being responsible and sober.

Originally Posted by chicory View Post
I then found out what was wrong with me. I learned so many things, and stopped doing some very destructive things, and learned to forgive myself, and others.
I remember my "ah-ha!" moment as well. I read the first of the 13 characteristics (that we feel that we are not normal and that everybody else is) and suddenly I felt absolved. There was nothing wrong with me. I felt like this about myself because I grew up in an alcoholic home.

Originally Posted by chicory View Post
my problem , among others, is that i am so jealous when i am in a relationship. [...] I have just always felt so jealous, when i am in a relationship, and they are around any women i feel inferior to. i know that this is gross, to be jealous. and i tried so hard to over come it.
Again. Please be gentler with yourself. Jealousy may make you feel gross, but you've nailed it right there; jealousy is usually born out of one's feelings of inferiority. Furthermore, we grew up in environments in which trust was often hazardous to our physical and emotional health.

Also, we tend to be far too hard on ourselves, far too critical of ourselves. We're human too, subject to flaws, and we must allow ourselves to feel human emotions. Keep doing your work on yourself. I believe that you'll get to where you want to be.

Originally Posted by chicory View Post
... and had no really good reason , except that everyone of these men were not honest with me, in some capacity. as soon as i found that they were capable of lying , it made me really distrustful.
Again, jealousy is usually born of insecurity. But also, personally, I know that I HATE HATE HATE lying. Because my alcholic mother lied a lot. And there are no fine lines. A lie is a lie is a lie. This black and white perspective also stems from being ACOA, from having tried to nail down the circumstances that caused my mother to drink, and trying to control every detail in our environment, (from the cleanliness of the house (OCD) to the behavior of my two younger brothers, etc etc etc) to make sure that she didn't drink, or at least didn't fly into a terrible, verbally and physically abusive rage. As children we think it's our fault and our responsibility, and that if we do X, Y and Z better, perfectly, we can make it so the alcholic will not drink. We now know this not to be true. But in my case at least, this black-and-whiteness issue still pops up a lot in unexpected places.

Originally Posted by chicory View Post
how could my whole life be ruined by jealousy, tho three of those marriages shoudl not have happened, and the other is questionable really.
Perspective. Not your whole life has been ruined. You seem to be far ahead of many others in terms of reprogramming your thought patterns. You seem to have a great relationship with your children. I think you are disappointed in not having been involved in an emotionally fulfilling amorous relationship full of trust and "all that good stuff." And that will be the next aspect you can work on. When you feel better about yourself, I think the jealousy issue will follow suit.

Originally Posted by chicory View Post
i do remember that my mom and my middle sister always made fun of me, for something like tripping over my own feet, or my nose being big ( it was not, just bigger than my little sisters)
"Normal" families do this, too. I think sometimes we are more sensitive to criticism. Especially because we do not receive constant unconditional love as an emotional backdrop to "normal" family teasing. We received "love" from our parents on the condition that they were sober and felt like showing it.

Originally Posted by chicory View Post
I know that we were fortunate, as we were not beaten, but the verbal abuse from my mom was relentless. she always smacked us in the face, or called us s--t a--. we would dodge as she walked by us.

[...]

I just want to know, why has jealousy ruled my thoughts and life, when i am in a relationship? It's always something.........
Your outlook is amazingly positive. I wish I had that kind of positivity. I would not consider you to have been fortunate. Emotional scars are much harder to address than the physical ones that can readily be seen. (BTW slapping someone in the face is physically abusive.) If it happened so much that you became hand-shy, then I'd gather that you were physically abused.

I suppose though your forgiveness is good for you, as there is probably some peace in it. I recognize in my circumstances that my mother had a terribly hard life, was abandoned as a toddler, was abused herself. However I didn't do it to her, and I didn't ask to be born. I know that I have yet to resolve how I feel about her. All I know is that I'm still very very angry.
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Old 07-15-2010, 06:43 PM
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Seaglass, thank you for posting and for the thoughts. I wish i could say that I think it could be different, if I was ever in a relationship again. ( I am 58). My jealousy always felt so raw- fear and helplessness - did not like feeling vulnerable at all. but , maybe now that i am older, and do not even try to compete with all the beautiful girls out there- no hope of that at my age- maybe i could relax? Oh well, nuff of that.
I dont know why i have a positive attitude. I have been called Pollyanna , often. I try to believe, and see the best in people, but sometimes I get tired of doing that.

You are still quite young, and perhaps after time and circumstances affect your mother, you may find more sadness about her life. It sounds like you have a much better life than she has. You are kind, caring, and doing good things for yourself. She may not have hopes of ever experiencing the satisfaction of the higher things that you feel inside. No self discovery, no healthy growth. We have a chance to be happy, every day, cause we are learning how, and our lives made us determined to treat ourselves better.

I was angry at my mom, until she died. I held myself back from her, not giving her the closeness she wished for, at that late stage of the game. She was ill, and we were so used to her playing sick, that we did not believe her , when she really was. We had our laughs, and i hugged her goodbye when parting, but I never got over the cruelty of some things. I could not and will never be able to excuse them. But I have let it go. Just wish it had not happened. But it did, and it made me who I am- the good and bad of me. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy, but for the most part, I am happy.
Thanks for saying that my life was not wasted- you are so right! It gave me some wonderful things. My children, and grandbabies now.
My son is struggling- I worry that he is alcoholic, and likes pills too much,(tho he would not admit this). so my heart aches, and i am angry about alcohol, and its thieving ways. Robs us of life. I hate it so much. It took my parents, and now it is trying to take my son. I selfishly think "why me?" but, why any of us? so many people in the same boat.

Thank you, and I will take your advice. I will be easier on myself, and let myself be human, with flaws, and not feel so guilty about them. That would be nice.
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Old 07-16-2010, 06:51 AM
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Thanks Chicory!

I'm not sure how "young" you think I am, but at 32, (or always 4 going on 40) I can still relate to your statement: "...and do not even try to compete with all the beautiful girls out there- no hope of that at my age." Once again, I don't think the problem of jealousy/insecurity really lies in our ability "to compete," but rather in how we feel about ourselves and our places in the world. But I never really had the physical jealousy issue for some reason. I got "hit on" much more than I cared for, and as a result learned to tone things down, not dress as I normally might, and of course to carry myself even more rigidly and unapproachably than I already had. After ten years of this, I now feel very unattractive, but it's ok. Life isn't about that.

Regardless. Yes, truth be told, I don't think my mother will be with us much longer. She has deteriorated so much and so rapidly over the last few years that she looks like a walking skeleton. She's only 52. My bf has brought this to my attention, and has also asked me what will happen to the rest of us when she goes. In other words, how will my dad, my younger brothers and I react. How much remorse might we have if we just let things go the way they're going until we wake up one day to find her dead. (BTW we do, in varying degrees talk about her alcoholism openly.) For a few brief moments, I had considered calling the brother with whom I still speak, one morning, and just telling him that she died of alcohol poisoning, or liver failure. He is still half in denial about how bad her drinking is. But of course we can't make her stop, and of course I wouldn't do that.

I'm glad that you realize that your life has not been wasted, and that you will try to be gentler on yourself.

Thank you as well for reminding me that I have indeed had a better life than my mother, and many more opportunities on every level than she had. (She is a first generation immigrant to the US, forced to come here through an arranged marriage to my biological father who is out of the picture.) While I recognize the tremendous hardship she has endured since she was a child, (another story for another time perhaps), my anger towards her is in part due to the fact that, well, ... so what?! Lots of people have hard lives. I've had it hard because of her. But I'm not allowed to drink myself into oblivion, hurt everybody, lose job after job, and spend my days lying on my back spitting up on myself, burning cigarette holes into everything in front of the tv. So yes. Lots of stuff for me to work through.

But thank you again. I think at least we're on the right path.
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Old 07-16-2010, 09:09 AM
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Seaglass,
I am sorry about your mom. sorry for her, sorry for the family. it should not be this way. and it is and we did not get to vote on that! such a sad time, hard to work on positive things when sadness and denial is enveloping the family.

I have to stop sometimes and realize that I have done better for my family, and that my children have not had to suffer the sorrows that I had to. Tho i am sure that my codependency has driven them crazy at times, and that they have been neglected in some areas, some that I have yet to realize. but we are close, we hug, we laugh, we get together and they trust me. so things are better, and it started with me.
Now I depend on the intelligence and the experience of others, who know a lot more about normal, or have learned it anyway. so that I can try to be all i can be in this lifetime. i want it all

Hang in there. It sounds like you have been a grown up, forever. That may be why you feel older that 32 (which is a fresh , young age to be Funny, but at 58 I still feel kind of young. dont know why. The darn mirror reminds me, tho. and I NEVER use a magnifying mirror for anything any more!

Yes, we are on the right path, and I am so glad that there are some awesome people to share the walk with- like you!
hugs
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Old 07-16-2010, 09:12 AM
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From my above post.
.." so things are better, and it started with me. "
'

Correction: It all started with a recovering alcoholic, who recognized my codependence, and guided me to my first ACA meeting. God bless her!
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