new here, with so many questions!

Old 07-09-2010, 08:49 AM
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new here, with so many questions!

Good morning all. I am so glad to have found you! I have so much to say and ask but don't know where to start.

I guess an introduction would be in order? I'm a divorced, 38 year old single mother of two daughters. Both of my parents have been functioning alcoholics/drug users for as long as I can remember. My mother is also mentally ill (bi polar) but has, in the last several months, stopped drinking and started attending meetings. They were both highly functioning, we never did without in any way, and there was no physical abuse. I have trouble even saying there was emotional abuse, because they weren't particularly mean or anything...just not really "there". So I have a good amount of guilt placing any of my issues on their addiction, but the bottom line is, I fit every single description of an ACoA to a T! I live very far away from them so I don't deal much with the day to day stuff, and haven't since I was 19 or so. I married and got the heck outta there.

So I have finally realized, after years and years of unhappiness, depression and self hatred, something must be done. Not just for myself but for my sweet daughters. I am not doing as good a job with them as I should. It's almost as if they're being raised by an alcoholic, even though I don't even have a drinking problem, ya know? I want them to have self esteem befitting the wonderful smart loving girls they are.

For myself, I am just tired of this life...I want to live while I still can. I am somewhat overweight and have a food addiction I believe. I've been divorced for 5 years, and in that time I've made a complete and total mess of every relationship I've tried to have. They never last more than a few weeks. In fact these days, I never get past the first date! It's getting harder and harder to imagine letting someone in, yet I am so very lonely. The only way I've been able to "connect" with someone in the past few years is physically, and that just makes the longing for love and understanding worse, so I've stopped that mostly.

My first question I guess is, what should I be doing to start healing? I've been reading the Adult Children of Alcoholics book and have ordered a couple more by the same author. I have looked into meetings but the closest ACoA one is about an hour away and on a night I can't make. Would an Al Anon meeting be appropriate instead? And what can I do right now, today, to begin to raise my self esteem? I don't think counseling is really possible as I will be a student without insurance very soon.

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this book lol. Any and all help is so appreciated.
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Old 07-09-2010, 09:44 PM
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Alanon would be a good start.
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Old 07-10-2010, 11:21 AM
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Hello bellejar, and pleased to "meet" you

Originally Posted by bellejar View Post
.... I have so much to say and ask but don't know where to start. .... .
no worries, we all had tons of questions when we first started. That's why places like this exist.

Originally Posted by bellejar View Post
.... there was no physical abuse. I have trouble even saying there was emotional abuse, because they weren't particularly mean or anything...just not really "there". So I have a good amount of guilt placing any of my issues on their addiction .... .
Actually, that's a very common misconception. One of the things you'll discover as you "research" the issues of an ACoA is that abuse _heals_. Physical injuries heal, given enough time and love. The _absence_ of love does not heal, it just sits there and festers. If you review the "Characteristics of an ACoA", they're all about the consequences of not receiving the love that all children need in order to flourish. I was physically abused as a child by my alcoholic family, but that is not what injured me as an adult. It was the lack of support, love and direction that messed me up.

Children have gone thru war, torture camps, horrible diseases, and they all survive those ordeals just fine, if they are surrounded with love and emotional support. Those of us who do not get that support as children end up in meetings of ACoA, in therapy, and on medication.

Originally Posted by bellejar View Post
.... It's almost as if they're being raised by an alcoholic, even though I don't even have a drinking problem, ya know? .... .
Well sure. You had no role models for raising children, so how would you have learned and developed the skills? The huge difference is that you are _willing_ to better yourself and _become_ a good parent. We call that "breaking the chain".

Originally Posted by bellejar View Post
.... and in that time I've made a complete and total mess of every relationship I've tried to have. .... .
That comes under the same heading as "role models". Nobody taught us how to have relationships, how are we supposed to know?

Originally Posted by bellejar View Post
.... Would an Al Anon meeting be appropriate instead? .... .
Very definitely so. Al-anon meetings are quite diverse, so you'll have to do a little shopping around. Some are focused on an alcoholic wife, others on the husband, still others focus on us adults who are recovering from an alcoholic family. They have a whole series of books and pamphlets just for us ACoA's. My fav is "From Survival to Recovery"

Al-Anon Online Store : Home

Originally Posted by bellejar View Post
.... And what can I do right now, today, to begin to raise my self esteem?.... .
What works for me is something called "baby steps". That means _not_ to try and fix it all right away, but to break it down into very small steps and do only one at a time. Think of something you would not normally do for _you_. Something small. Like maybe take a bubble bath, or buy a tiny potted plant for your kitchen, or getting a manicure. Think of doing it only _once_, just this one time.

Then do it. Just this one time.

Then tomorrow you can think about something else real small, but for today you do just _one_ small thing.

It sounds silly, but those little things add up and before you know you'll start to notice the difference.

Originally Posted by bellejar View Post
.... I don't think counseling is really possible as I will be a student without insurance very soon.... .
Depends on _where_ you are a student. Most Universities and community colleges proved free counseling for students. Check out yours and see if it's available. Check out a few meetings of al-anon and ask around for counselors. Everybody at a meeting of al-anon has a shrink, or a lawyer. A lot of therapists work in clinics, and they have "sliding-fee" programs where you can see a therapist for cheap.

Welcome to our little corner of recovery. I'm glad you decided to join us

Mike
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Old 07-10-2010, 08:35 PM
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Thank you so much for that Mike! There is a meeting tomorrow night, I think I'll check it out and see how it feels.
I will be at a community college. I'll look into the counseling, never thought about that.
So I guess I just don't know how to love...which is so scary. I'm still super worried that I may have permanently damaged not only my relationship with my daughters but their self esteem as well. They are 12 and 7. I have to change this now for them and for myself.
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Old 07-10-2010, 09:10 PM
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Originally Posted by bellejar View Post
I will be at a community college. I'll look into the counseling, never thought about that.
I am enrolled in a community college, and would you believe the gal who heads up counseling in student support services is a PhD in addictions?!

Who would have thought I'd find a resource like that?

She's a wonderful lady, and although I haven't met her in person, I have talked to her via phone in getting help with some issues.

You might be surprised at the resources you find.

Technically, I'm not an ACoA, my dad is, but I can check off all the characteristics of an ACoA.

I'm glad you found us here at SR, and I hope you continue to post. We also have forums for Friends and Family of Alcoholics/Addicts.
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Old 07-11-2010, 10:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
....Technically, I'm not an ACoA, my dad is, but I can check off all the characteristics of an ACoA.....
well if you want to be old-fashioned about it

Originally, ACoA started in the early 70's when a lady called Claudia Black started doing research on family dynamics in alcoholic homes. At the time, there was a lot of money for research into alcholism, and the pioneers like Dr. Black put that funding to work researching the effects of alcoholism on children. She published a book called "It will never happen to me", and in the early 80's it took off like wildfire. ACoA groups started springing up all over the world, those were wonderfuly exciting times.

ACoA and research into the family dynamics have grown since then. A lot. Today we know it's not the _alcohol_ that causes the problem, it's the "toxic environment". Children suffer the same effect regardless of what chemical the adults are addicted to, and even if the addiction has nothing to do with chemicals. If the parents are adicted to gambling, or sex, or themselves, it doesn't matter, the children suffer.

There's been a lot of suggestions to change the name to "Adult Children of Toxic Environments", or ACTE. It would be a huge expense in terms of copyright and public relations, and overall people seem to find us anyway. So, for now, we're sticking with the name and welcome anybody who's childhood was a mess due to their parents dysfunction.

So if you want to be hip and cool, and keep up with the times, then technically you _are_ welcome to call yourself an ACoA, my dear Freedom

Mike ((((( hugs )))))
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Old 07-11-2010, 12:33 PM
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes View Post
well if you want to be old-fashioned about it

Originally, ACoA started in the early 70's when a lady called Claudia Black started doing research on family dynamics in alcoholic homes. At the time, there was a lot of money for research into alcholism, and the pioneers like Dr. Black put that funding to work researching the effects of alcoholism on children. She published a book called "It will never happen to me", and in the early 80's it took off like wildfire. ACoA groups started springing up all over the world, those were wonderfuly exciting times.

ACoA and research into the family dynamics have grown since then. A lot. Today we know it's not the _alcohol_ that causes the problem, it's the "toxic environment". Children suffer the same effect regardless of what chemical the adults are addicted to, and even if the addiction has nothing to do with chemicals. If the parents are adicted to gambling, or sex, or themselves, it doesn't matter, the children suffer.

There's been a lot of suggestions to change the name to "Adult Children of Toxic Environments", or ACTE. It would be a huge expense in terms of copyright and public relations, and overall people seem to find us anyway. So, for now, we're sticking with the name and welcome anybody who's childhood was a mess due to their parents dysfunction.

So if you want to be hip and cool, and keep up with the times, then technically you _are_ welcome to call yourself an ACoA, my dear Freedom

Mike ((((( hugs )))))
Well, I'll be darned. I learn something new every day, Mike! That definitely clarifies things for me, and why I relate to ACoA issues. Thanks!
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