The Christmas Wish that never came true.
Musical Wannabe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 9
The Christmas Wish that never came true.
I know the title sounds kind of lame and stupid. But it's true. For eigh years I've wished, every Christmas, that she would stop drinking. It never happened.
I should probably start at the beginning. I grew up as an only child to a single parent with a decent-paying job. She worked at Sky; I went to school and an after school club. She would drink vodka and lemonade a bit, no big deal. I didn't even know what it was.
And then she lost her job. Round about the same time I grew up. My mum found a new job; but her drinking still got worse after my great grandma died. Even then, I didn't know what was going on. Primary School was normal for me. I was a spoilt brat.
When I got to High School, everything was different. I stayed up late on the internet until about 3am, 4am - the usual teenage stuff. At 13 years old, I came down in the early hours for more fizzy juice and found her passed out on the floor. I just giggled; what else could I do? I thought she was asleep. I didn't know she was drunk, and unconscious. Didn't know she could choke on her own vomit.
Things got worse. I slowly began to realise she was drinking heavily and withdrew into a shell. The school noticed, at least. I got some support there. But it didn't stop my mum. The friendly, warm woman I adored started to scream at me, order me to do insane things like put roll-on on her contact lenses or find her booze. I sat and cowered in the corner. It was bearable at least.
When I was 15, she started attacking me. Verbal abuse wasn't good enough anymore, so she lunged out. The first time, my neighbour heard me screaming and stopped her from strangling me. The second time, I ran out into the streets crying. There was other moments; being thrown downstairs for saving her life. Being mugged in my own street. Having the phones disconnected or broken and the doors locked, the keys hidden with her chasing me around the house. I spent those days curled up in the bathroom, crying and afraid.
At one point, I just snapped and hit her back. That's something I'll always carry with me; making her bleed. During the middle of the night, when she was passed out, I would creep into her room and think about smothering her with a pillow to end it all. The shame and the guilt is so painful that I still call myself a monster. I couldn't bring myself to kill her.
Eventually, a friend took me away from there for a while. He couldn't bear seeing me like this; starved and upset. She'd lost her car, several jobs, half her family, spent the night in jail - so seeing me go was a wake up call. I was overjoyed, my mum was sober and wanted me home. So we gave it another try.
Six months later and we were back to square one. I was about 17 now; having lost contact with my friend, I went to the housing association for help. They put me in a special hostel and my gosh, I'm so relieved I spent time there. I was able to develop skills I'd never been taught like how to clean the house, how to cook. How to budget. And my mum sobered again, saying she was terrified of losing me. That she loved me. So what did I do? Gave her another chance.
And here I am now. Sitting in my bedroom at 12.30am, terrified and afraid. She's nowhere near the dire stages she used to be in; sleeping in her own urine or threatening to hit me for my money. But my mum's slightly drunk and yelling verbal abuse again. The social works don't really care, to my disgust - two years ago, they told me they couldn't help anymore because I was 16, and an "adult" now.
I was beginning to adjust to home life again and it's falling apart. As selfish as it seems, we were adopting a kitten together - if I leave, I'll never have that chance. I don't want to leave, but I can't live like this anymore. I'm so lucky to have friends that manage to keep me away from self harm now.
I'm so sorry for the long and whiny post. I just needed to talk to someone who could relate, or give me advice. I want my mum back. I want the eight years of childhood that was taken from me. I want to be able to hug people without being afraid of losing that love. I want to be safe and loved. Please. Is there anything I can do? At all? It's only when I'm home she drinks. I feel like it's my fault.
Thanks for reading this. Just saying it takes away a bit of the pain. I hope someone can help me.
I should probably start at the beginning. I grew up as an only child to a single parent with a decent-paying job. She worked at Sky; I went to school and an after school club. She would drink vodka and lemonade a bit, no big deal. I didn't even know what it was.
And then she lost her job. Round about the same time I grew up. My mum found a new job; but her drinking still got worse after my great grandma died. Even then, I didn't know what was going on. Primary School was normal for me. I was a spoilt brat.
When I got to High School, everything was different. I stayed up late on the internet until about 3am, 4am - the usual teenage stuff. At 13 years old, I came down in the early hours for more fizzy juice and found her passed out on the floor. I just giggled; what else could I do? I thought she was asleep. I didn't know she was drunk, and unconscious. Didn't know she could choke on her own vomit.
Things got worse. I slowly began to realise she was drinking heavily and withdrew into a shell. The school noticed, at least. I got some support there. But it didn't stop my mum. The friendly, warm woman I adored started to scream at me, order me to do insane things like put roll-on on her contact lenses or find her booze. I sat and cowered in the corner. It was bearable at least.
When I was 15, she started attacking me. Verbal abuse wasn't good enough anymore, so she lunged out. The first time, my neighbour heard me screaming and stopped her from strangling me. The second time, I ran out into the streets crying. There was other moments; being thrown downstairs for saving her life. Being mugged in my own street. Having the phones disconnected or broken and the doors locked, the keys hidden with her chasing me around the house. I spent those days curled up in the bathroom, crying and afraid.
At one point, I just snapped and hit her back. That's something I'll always carry with me; making her bleed. During the middle of the night, when she was passed out, I would creep into her room and think about smothering her with a pillow to end it all. The shame and the guilt is so painful that I still call myself a monster. I couldn't bring myself to kill her.
Eventually, a friend took me away from there for a while. He couldn't bear seeing me like this; starved and upset. She'd lost her car, several jobs, half her family, spent the night in jail - so seeing me go was a wake up call. I was overjoyed, my mum was sober and wanted me home. So we gave it another try.
Six months later and we were back to square one. I was about 17 now; having lost contact with my friend, I went to the housing association for help. They put me in a special hostel and my gosh, I'm so relieved I spent time there. I was able to develop skills I'd never been taught like how to clean the house, how to cook. How to budget. And my mum sobered again, saying she was terrified of losing me. That she loved me. So what did I do? Gave her another chance.
And here I am now. Sitting in my bedroom at 12.30am, terrified and afraid. She's nowhere near the dire stages she used to be in; sleeping in her own urine or threatening to hit me for my money. But my mum's slightly drunk and yelling verbal abuse again. The social works don't really care, to my disgust - two years ago, they told me they couldn't help anymore because I was 16, and an "adult" now.
I was beginning to adjust to home life again and it's falling apart. As selfish as it seems, we were adopting a kitten together - if I leave, I'll never have that chance. I don't want to leave, but I can't live like this anymore. I'm so lucky to have friends that manage to keep me away from self harm now.
I'm so sorry for the long and whiny post. I just needed to talk to someone who could relate, or give me advice. I want my mum back. I want the eight years of childhood that was taken from me. I want to be able to hug people without being afraid of losing that love. I want to be safe and loved. Please. Is there anything I can do? At all? It's only when I'm home she drinks. I feel like it's my fault.
Thanks for reading this. Just saying it takes away a bit of the pain. I hope someone can help me.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am so sorry you are going through this and for the life you never got to live as a child.
Sadly, we can't stop our loved ones from drinking, if love could save them not one of us would be here.
Al-anon has helped many of us cope and find ways to put our lives back together again. It's a wonderful program that isn't about them or their substance, it's about us learning to live a healthy life again and moving forward and healing from the pain of the past.
If there is a meeting in your area, please give it a try, I promise you'll be glad you did. Each meeting is a group of people just like you, who have gone through the pain and found something good to help them recover and become survivors instead of victims.
Others will be along to share, but I read your story here and wanted to welcome you and tell you that you've come to a good place here at SR, where people really do understand. You are no longer alone.
Hugs
Sadly, we can't stop our loved ones from drinking, if love could save them not one of us would be here.
Al-anon has helped many of us cope and find ways to put our lives back together again. It's a wonderful program that isn't about them or their substance, it's about us learning to live a healthy life again and moving forward and healing from the pain of the past.
If there is a meeting in your area, please give it a try, I promise you'll be glad you did. Each meeting is a group of people just like you, who have gone through the pain and found something good to help them recover and become survivors instead of victims.
Others will be along to share, but I read your story here and wanted to welcome you and tell you that you've come to a good place here at SR, where people really do understand. You are no longer alone.
Hugs
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Make yourself comfortable and take a read around.
There is a lot of information here and on the sticky threads at the top of this forum, and also on the top of the Family and Friends of Alcoholics forum, that may help you.
And keep posting, it helps to share and get out what we too often just stuff inside. It's a safe place here, and again, we do understand.
Others will see this and share too, so feel free to just relax and share.
There is a lot of information here and on the sticky threads at the top of this forum, and also on the top of the Family and Friends of Alcoholics forum, that may help you.
And keep posting, it helps to share and get out what we too often just stuff inside. It's a safe place here, and again, we do understand.
Others will see this and share too, so feel free to just relax and share.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome.....and here is a hug for you.....
It's so sad when innocent people are living with an alcoholic.
If you go to Al anon....you will learn about the 3 C's
You didn't cause it....you can't control it...you can't cure it
Are you working now? Do you have sober family members
nearby? A clergy person to talk with?
Come here often....we are willing to listen and share 24/7.
Prayers for your peace going out
It's so sad when innocent people are living with an alcoholic.
If you go to Al anon....you will learn about the 3 C's
You didn't cause it....you can't control it...you can't cure it
Are you working now? Do you have sober family members
nearby? A clergy person to talk with?
Come here often....we are willing to listen and share 24/7.
Prayers for your peace going out
Musical Wannabe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 9
I'm 18 and hoping to go to University in September. One thing I've managed to hold on to is my dream of becoming a musician. But apart from that, I have a long summer ahead of me with no job.
I have grandparents. Except my grandfather's just recovering from a Prostrate Cancer operation right now and doesn't want anymore involvement with us if my mum's been drinking. My grandma's getting checked out for narrowing heart ventricles and thinks my mum's stopped for good since I came home, and I'm scared to tell her incase she falls ill. My uncle drinks but can handle it so he doesn't really help out much, thinking my mum can do what she wants. And to a degree he's right.
I want to try and go to Al-Anon... it's getting there that's hard. But thanks for letting me just talk and be comforted. It feel so relieving that I just want to cry.
I have grandparents. Except my grandfather's just recovering from a Prostrate Cancer operation right now and doesn't want anymore involvement with us if my mum's been drinking. My grandma's getting checked out for narrowing heart ventricles and thinks my mum's stopped for good since I came home, and I'm scared to tell her incase she falls ill. My uncle drinks but can handle it so he doesn't really help out much, thinking my mum can do what she wants. And to a degree he's right.
I want to try and go to Al-Anon... it's getting there that's hard. But thanks for letting me just talk and be comforted. It feel so relieving that I just want to cry.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Hi and Welcome,
We are a family here, and I am so glad you have found us.
It's wonderful that you are going to university and pursuing your dreams. Good for you!
I am so sorry for your situation with your mother. I think it's very generous of you to think of your grandparents health issues, but I wonder if they would want to know how badly you need their help.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
We are a family here, and I am so glad you have found us.
It's wonderful that you are going to university and pursuing your dreams. Good for you!
I am so sorry for your situation with your mother. I think it's very generous of you to think of your grandparents health issues, but I wonder if they would want to know how badly you need their help.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Musical Wannabe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 9
Thank you Anna. I'd love to tell them but they're getting quite old now. And my mum told me if my grandma dies soon afterwards - most unlikely but it's a horrible thought - that it would be my fault. I don't want to kill her.
It's nice to see that everyone here is family. Acceptance is a huge thing after everything that happens with alcoholism... I think.
It's nice to see that everyone here is family. Acceptance is a huge thing after everything that happens with alcoholism... I think.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
As a new mum, your post makes me feel so sad.
No child should have to go through what you described.
If any of your grandparents die, it is SO NOT your fault.
When your at university, take all the opportunities you can. Join as many clubs and societies as you can. Also register with a doctor and see if you can get any counseling to help you with your experiences. If you are in the UK this should be free, and the waiting list is not as long as you are led to think.
I think you do need to leave home to be honest. At university you can surround yourself with like minded people, be more care free, enjoy things people your age should be enjoying. You should not be trapped in a home where you are mentally and physically abused.
My heart really aches for you
xx
No child should have to go through what you described.
If any of your grandparents die, it is SO NOT your fault.
When your at university, take all the opportunities you can. Join as many clubs and societies as you can. Also register with a doctor and see if you can get any counseling to help you with your experiences. If you are in the UK this should be free, and the waiting list is not as long as you are led to think.
I think you do need to leave home to be honest. At university you can surround yourself with like minded people, be more care free, enjoy things people your age should be enjoying. You should not be trapped in a home where you are mentally and physically abused.
My heart really aches for you
xx
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm glad you found SR - there's so much wonderful support and people who understand because they have been there. As Ann said, the Friends and Families of A's forum gets a good amount of traffic as well, so you may wish to give those posts a read and introduce yourself to the great folks there.
I'm so sorry you are going through this...None of this is your fault and no matter what is said, there is nothing you are doing that is making your mom drink or making her lash out at you the way she is. Unfortunately the progression of this horrible disease and what happens to people who don't seek recovery, is too sadly familiar.
I do hope you find an Alanon meeting and hope you can find some activities to keep you busy until you can go to college. Hold tight to your dreams and let music help you heal. Hugs
I'm so sorry you are going through this...None of this is your fault and no matter what is said, there is nothing you are doing that is making your mom drink or making her lash out at you the way she is. Unfortunately the progression of this horrible disease and what happens to people who don't seek recovery, is too sadly familiar.
I do hope you find an Alanon meeting and hope you can find some activities to keep you busy until you can go to college. Hold tight to your dreams and let music help you heal. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,937
I grew up with an alcoholic father and became one myself and now have more than 19 years of sobriety. As a sponsor I have had many, many sponsees unload things just like what you have just shared here;
I'll tell you just what I tell them. You were a kid, hell you're still a kid. If that were some other kid, you'd give them a break, you need to give yourself a break. You were a scared kid in a bad situation trying to survive from day to day and you deserve a break.
Originally Posted by SamJane 
The shame and the guilt is so painful that I still call myself a monster.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Buffalo NY
Posts: 13
I don't post very often, but it sounds like you are growing up the same way I did. I can hear the same pain and anger in your posts that I used to feel towards my alcoholic/addict parents.
Probably the best thing that happened to me was my high school counselor suggesting I might enjoy something called Ala-teen because there I could meet and talk to other kids experiencing the same thing I was. I was 15 and I would tell my parents that I had band practice so I could get a ride. (I'm a musician too.) I had to bring my bass guitar to all the meetings, but it was the best thing I ever did. Ala-teen set the groundwork for me to have a good life.
I got good grades so I could get a scholarship to college. I moved out at 17 years old. I graduated from college, went to grad school, and then medical school. Now I'm a doctor and my parents are still drunk and on drugs. I got the better deal.
Alcoholics offer their children, as a legacy, a lifetime of pain, but you don't have to accept it. There's a way out. I know there is because I took it. It wasn't easy or simple, but I was worth the effort.
Get out as soon as possible.
Find support either with a solid therapist and/or the rooms of alanon.
Don't settle for people or situations that knock you down.
Know that you're good even if there is no one there to tell you that you are.
No life is perfect. Mine certainly isn't, but most of it is good. I don't have a lot of stuff due to all the schooling and moving, but what stuff I have, I like. I don't have a family, but I've made a lot of good friends. I have a hard job and work long hours, but I love what I do. I'm grateful for every day that I don't have to live under the shadow of my parents' disease.
Good luck.
Probably the best thing that happened to me was my high school counselor suggesting I might enjoy something called Ala-teen because there I could meet and talk to other kids experiencing the same thing I was. I was 15 and I would tell my parents that I had band practice so I could get a ride. (I'm a musician too.) I had to bring my bass guitar to all the meetings, but it was the best thing I ever did. Ala-teen set the groundwork for me to have a good life.
I got good grades so I could get a scholarship to college. I moved out at 17 years old. I graduated from college, went to grad school, and then medical school. Now I'm a doctor and my parents are still drunk and on drugs. I got the better deal.
Alcoholics offer their children, as a legacy, a lifetime of pain, but you don't have to accept it. There's a way out. I know there is because I took it. It wasn't easy or simple, but I was worth the effort.
Get out as soon as possible.
Find support either with a solid therapist and/or the rooms of alanon.
Don't settle for people or situations that knock you down.
Know that you're good even if there is no one there to tell you that you are.
No life is perfect. Mine certainly isn't, but most of it is good. I don't have a lot of stuff due to all the schooling and moving, but what stuff I have, I like. I don't have a family, but I've made a lot of good friends. I have a hard job and work long hours, but I love what I do. I'm grateful for every day that I don't have to live under the shadow of my parents' disease.
Good luck.
Musical Wannabe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 9
I want to say again how grateful I am that people are able to sit and read this, then offer comfort. It's so soothing, and it helps a lot. Thanks again.
One thing I've hated about the situation is that it seems to yo-yo up and down a lot, especially lately. Though this time it seems to be good news. All I can do is cross my fingers. My mum woke me up the next morning with the shakes and swore to me that she wanted to nip it in the bud (how many times have I heard this?), by going to AA. She's never expressed this interest before - because she's always wanted to have a drink in the future - but now that she has, I can't help but feel hopeful. I'm worried I'm setting myself up for a fall again.
It's just so strange and wonderful that after meeting a brand new family on SR, and confiding how I feel, everything seems to be getting better again. At least for the moment.
BadCompany, thanks for the post. I'll try not to feel so bad about it, but it's always been in my nature to feel guilty over things I haven't done, let alone something like this.
And kittyDr - I'm pleased you managed to get out and lead this decent life. As for what you said:
-I'll try. I've always been a pessimist too, but moreso since I started High School.
Thanks again for all the support. I'll come back to tell everyone if this works out for me or not.
One thing I've hated about the situation is that it seems to yo-yo up and down a lot, especially lately. Though this time it seems to be good news. All I can do is cross my fingers. My mum woke me up the next morning with the shakes and swore to me that she wanted to nip it in the bud (how many times have I heard this?), by going to AA. She's never expressed this interest before - because she's always wanted to have a drink in the future - but now that she has, I can't help but feel hopeful. I'm worried I'm setting myself up for a fall again.
It's just so strange and wonderful that after meeting a brand new family on SR, and confiding how I feel, everything seems to be getting better again. At least for the moment.
BadCompany, thanks for the post. I'll try not to feel so bad about it, but it's always been in my nature to feel guilty over things I haven't done, let alone something like this.
And kittyDr - I'm pleased you managed to get out and lead this decent life. As for what you said:
Originally Posted by kittyDr
Don't settle for people or situations that knock you down.
Know that you're good even if there is no one there to tell you that you are.
Know that you're good even if there is no one there to tell you that you are.
Thanks again for all the support. I'll come back to tell everyone if this works out for me or not.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 617
SJ, your post really hit home with me. My mother could be a vicious drunk herself. I would never bring home any friends after school because I NEVER knew what would be awaiting for me when I got there.Would she be Passed out on the kitchen floor at 3:30 in the afternoon, while her idiot brothers & sisters ( MY uncles & aunts), all be gathered around the table, with the table being covered with whiskey & beer bottles, and ashtrays overflowing with cigerette butts? I would say 90% of the horrible things she said & did she never did remember, because of the blackouts. It was a sick household, and people who live in sick households in many instances become SICKER than the alcoholic themselves. Please find SOME way to get the hell out of there.:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Hi SJ and welcome to SR
I am so glad you found us. I'm a lot older than you and have an 18 year old son of my own now. Your post brought back a lot of old memories for me, my dad was an alcoholic and my home life full of physical and verbal abuse, and I am so grateful that my own two teenagers have not lived the life that you and I and so many other people on here, grew up with.
Lots of good advice above - Al-anon / Al-ateen; Gp referral for counselling and when you go to Uni, make contact with student services - they will have resources for both practical and emotional support.
My suggestion would be to educate yourself as well about the effects of growing up in dysfunctional family environments. Read as much as you can - there's loads of info in the stickies at the top of this forum and the Friend and Family forum next door.
Keep posting, there's always someone here with a much needed hug or amazing words of wisdom.
Good luck, IWTHxxx
I am so glad you found us. I'm a lot older than you and have an 18 year old son of my own now. Your post brought back a lot of old memories for me, my dad was an alcoholic and my home life full of physical and verbal abuse, and I am so grateful that my own two teenagers have not lived the life that you and I and so many other people on here, grew up with.
Lots of good advice above - Al-anon / Al-ateen; Gp referral for counselling and when you go to Uni, make contact with student services - they will have resources for both practical and emotional support.
My suggestion would be to educate yourself as well about the effects of growing up in dysfunctional family environments. Read as much as you can - there's loads of info in the stickies at the top of this forum and the Friend and Family forum next door.
Keep posting, there's always someone here with a much needed hug or amazing words of wisdom.
Good luck, IWTHxxx
Musical Wannabe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 9
Things are getting out of hand again.
I'm not sure if she's had a drink this time, but regardless I went on the defensive because I felt like I could sense it. (the benefit - or should I say the disadvantage? - of living with an alcoholic is being able to tell when they've had one.) This lead to another horrific fight, which ended in her declaration that she loved a cat more than I, and wished she were dead.
I'm not quite sure how I feel right now. Rather upset that I've been deprived of almost 8 years of affection and told an animal means more than I do.
I'm not sure if she's had a drink this time, but regardless I went on the defensive because I felt like I could sense it. (the benefit - or should I say the disadvantage? - of living with an alcoholic is being able to tell when they've had one.) This lead to another horrific fight, which ended in her declaration that she loved a cat more than I, and wished she were dead.
I'm not quite sure how I feel right now. Rather upset that I've been deprived of almost 8 years of affection and told an animal means more than I do.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I lived a lot of what you wrote.
What I learned is your salvation comes in education.
Get a good one so you don't have to depend on her.
A's are manipulative as heck and try to keep you tied to them. They blame you for everything. The only way I could deal with it was to leave and make sure I was very very far away. I stayed that way most of my life.
It's another long story, but it worked for me. I simply didn't want to live another day in chaos and fear.
Everyone has their story. Together we learn from each other.
What I learned is your salvation comes in education.
Get a good one so you don't have to depend on her.
A's are manipulative as heck and try to keep you tied to them. They blame you for everything. The only way I could deal with it was to leave and make sure I was very very far away. I stayed that way most of my life.
It's another long story, but it worked for me. I simply didn't want to live another day in chaos and fear.
Everyone has their story. Together we learn from each other.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 28
SamJane, my heart goes out to you. Have you considered telling your mother about this forum? If she's open to AA, maybe she'll be open to something like this, as well? I can understand that maybe you wouldn't want her on here for your own privacy reasons, but there are many ways to hide you identity right? I mean if it helps her (which will help you), then maybe it's worth a shot? Hopefully she can read other member's posts and see the similarities between herself and them.....or read the pain that some have gone through as a result of other's actions....maybe it will help inspire her to stop for good?
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