chicory

Well, my son got assessed today, by psychiatrist, and would not let me go in. I am sure he did not tell her the truth about many things. told her that he had been fine when he had his job, his girlfriend, and his own place. Doc told him that it sounds like he just needs to have a job, and his own place again. He did not tell her that his mom paid his rent, utilities, food, and gave gas money, for the three months he lived there- while he spent his money on his self and his girlfriend, and their partying. of course, he had to spend a good bit on eating out, as he would not shop for things to take his lunch, and the gas there and back. He lost that job, by taking days off, for being with his girl, and for laying drunk as a skunk.
Oh well, he says she found him to be high strung, but otherwise ok (is that a diagnosis?). guess I will just have to do my thing now- take care of me, and stop enabling him, by buying his smokes, and bringing home an occasional two single beers, when his nerves are really bad. God help me when he starts arguing and badgering me, as he has always done to get what he wants. he is not a monster, but has real problems, and i guess he is going to have to focus more on them. i think that being here with me, and us fussing at each other, blurs his vision, and he does not have to face his own problems.

I feel he probably heard what he wanted to hear, and told her what he wanted her to think. but , i have no way of knowing what she really thinks. Hope she is right, and he is ok, cause i told him that I am not going to make life comfortable for him any longer, that i am going to focus on my bills, and making myself happier. my credit cards have gone up, and i am going to focus on them.
I will keep visiting here, and hope to contribute. I really need to learn about enabling.
Thanks for reading and for the advice.

chicory

Note: I paid them for him, in hopes he would start getting it right, and I did NOT want him coming to live with me. I was afraid for him to be homeless, too.

suki44883

From what I read of your posts last night, I tend to agree with the assessment. He has had things done for him for so long, he has no incentive or desire to get with the program and take care of himself.

I went through something similar with my daughter for a few years. She was much younger than your son, but at one point was on 6 different medications from her psychiatrist. She attempted suicide multiple times. She did her best to convince everyone (including herself) that she had mental issues that kept her from getting a job and working and being a responsible human being. After her last (and almost successful) suicide attempt, I said I was done. She had turned 18 by then and I was no longer legally responsible for her. I told her to make other arrangements for living. She ended up going to live with her dad (who is a real jerk and she didn't like in the least) because she had no other options. True, her dad is and was and always will be a jerk, but living there showed her that her life wasn't as bad as she tried to make it out to be. She stayed with her dad for about 5 months, stopped taking all those meds, got clear headed, got a job. I agreed to let her come back with the stipulation that she continue working and get a driver's license. She kept her end of the bargain and she has enrolled in junior college while working part time. This didn't all happen over night, but once she found out someone wasn't going to do things for her that she was perfectly able to do for herself, she figured out that she'd better get with the program.

My advice is to take care of yourself and your own issues. Stop doing things for him that he is perfectly capable of doing for himself. He can do more than either he or you thinks. He's just gotten lazy and comfortable with you doing everything for him. If he acts up or doesn't appreciate you letting him stay with you, then make him leave. He is 38 years old and you aren't going to be around forever. It's way past time he learned how to take care of himself.

chicory

Heartfelt thanks Suki,

I want to do that, more than anything in the world. I just need to learn how. I grew up in an alcoholic home, and did not learn to make good boundaries for myself. I am afraid of my sons anger, a bit, but i guess it wont be as bad , since he wont have alcohol fueling the flames.
I look forward to getting support here, and hope that is the right attitude?
thanks again-

suki44883

Another thing...you might want to post your story on our Friends and Family forum. It gets quite a bit more traffic than this one. You'll find many people who understand what you are going through and will have much experience, strength and hope to share with you. Here's a hug; I think you need it!

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

ladyamalthea

Chicory,

I am so sorry that things did not go quite the way you want them to today. The good news is that you sound like you have learned a lot in the little time you have been posting here. Detaching doesn't come easily, but it really is the best medicine. Suki is so right, though. He can do more than either of you are giving him credit for. If you kick him out of the house, guess what will happen? He'll find somewhere else to go. He may be legally considered homeless for a very short time, but he's 38 years old. He needs to learn to rely on himself, and that will never happen as long as he knows he can mooch off of you.

I am very proud of you for telling him that you won't make him comfortable anymore. Just make sure you stick to it. Is he going to keep living with you? If so, you need to set some rules in place, and the consequence of breaking those rules needs to be that he has to leave, and you need to be prepared to enforce the rules strictly and consistently. If you don't see yourself having the guts to kick him out when he messes up, then you need to think long and hard about asking him to move out now, so you don't find yourself in a position where he is getting away with breaking the rules.

ranae1221

I know you were hoping for a better outcome. It won't be easy, but really the best thing you can do now is exactly what you have planned- work on yourself, take care of yourself. He needs to face the consequences to his behavior. You are not abandoning him, though it likely feels like you are right now, and he will likely accuse you of that when he realizes you aren't going to give in as you have in the past.

Keep coming here, to the board. Lean on the kind people here who have gone through what you are going through. Learn how to take care of yourself. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it in the end.

chicory

Thanks all, for the replys.

There is a complication. He got fined last year, for that possession of trace amount and paraphernalia, and he has a warrant out, since he could not pay the fine. his dad and I have been trying to pay on it, for he cant get arrested again, it would be really discouraging for him. He did work two days at a McDonalds, and paid on his fine too. I am sure that he would , if he had work.
He was so nervous at the McD job. He could not deal with the quick pace, and the balancing of the many facets of the job.
I waited to push him to get a job, for i figured he'd just lose it again, and wanted to get him some help for his anxiety.
I still believe that he has a severe ADD- what do you do, when a psychiatrist says he is ok, and you know that there is something? He never could handle stress, or red tape of anykind. and cannot even figure out so many things on his own, or has not learned to. He could not read his schedules at work at times, and was late, or not there, due to not being able to pay attention to the small things.
Do I give up, trying to get him help? He fits so many of the criteria for A.D.D.

Thanks again . this is an awesome group of folks, and i will post on the family site, too.

ladyamalthea

Yeah... no offense, but I know plenty of people who are ADD who do not miss work because of it. I know I sound like I'm being harsh, but here again, he's 38 years old. What is he going to do when you're no longer around to help him if you don't let him help himself now?

And he CAN get arrested again... and for some people, it's the biggest wakeup call they get. If you're not allowing him to hit his bottom, when will he stop? Getting arrested will be discouraging; but life is full of discouragement. When will he learn to cope with discouragement, if not now? He might actually surprise you and be able to rise above that discouragement if you let him try.

If we were dealing with a 16-year-old, I could see not pushing him to get a job because of anxiety. But lots of full grown adults are able to hold down a job with an anxiety disorder... I know I do.

I know, I know I sound like the meanest person in the world right now. But you said earlier that you wanted to learn how to detach and let him learn. You're not doing that if you're leaning on excuses for him. While any one of those things you said can sound valid under a certain light, ultimately he still has to learn how to live his life, and you're still discouraging him from doing that if you're overthinking every aspect of what he does.

ladyamalthea

Chicory,

I was just mulling this over a bit, and there was one more thing I wanted to suggest, if you don't mind. I can understand that working fast food can actually be a bit more stressful than others realize at times. It can be very fast paced. But what about something that is not quite that way? He could apply to be a greeter at Wal-Mart. Or maybe he could go work bagging groceries, or even look into getting a job at a Goodwill store? I hope that doesn't come across like I am insulting him somehow, but any one of those things would at least give him something to do to keep him busy but might be a little more his pace. Just a thought.

chicory

I probably have some add myself, and have always been able to hold a job- its just harder sometimes.

You are right, I know, about holding him back from hitting bottom. He had his licence revoked, because of the unpaid fine- they gave him 30 days to pay, and he was homeless at the time of the almost 1000$ fine. He didn't even buy the little bit of pot- a friend gave it to him for his birthday. It was a very dark time for him. He was staying in his car, in parking lots and no food no money. I know that he was in that situation because he would not stop drinking and getting drunk - his choices.

I guess I fear the most that he will become so despondent that he may kill his self. I want him to have a life, and to learn something that he never has. I can tell that I am putting limitations on him, in my mind. There has always been something that has kept him from being normal, in some way. My two daughters have been able to wrok, and function in society- i raised them all.

Perhaps the fact that I grew up with practically NO support from my family makes me feel that I should do all I can for my children. Ease their pain, help them when they are sad and lonely. these are things that i lived with daily as a child, and it is hard to see through the fog of dysfunction.

Thank you, for your help. I am not offended. I know I have some hard things to learn, and hard things that I am going to have to do. Perhaps I am trying to save myself pain, but I do not mean to be that selfish. That does seem to be a great selfishness, to hold someone back from making mistakes that they need to make, in order to save myself the pain of fearing for them. it is an unconscious thing, if i am doing it.

how can i still not know how to parent , at the age of 58?

suki44883

chicory...I really do understand what you are feeling. I knew, and still know, that my daughter has some limitations in what she can do. She improved SO much though, once I got out of the way and stopped doing things for her so she wouldn't get upset with stress. She still stresses easily, but she is learning how to deal with it.

There are jobs out there that don't deal with the public, which is where my daughter has most of her problems. She has always loved animals, so she was able to find a job at an animal clinic. She works in the kennel area, giving baths, cleaning cages, doing laundry, etc. Even that can get stressful, especially in the spring and summer months when so many people board their pets. But, she is handling it. Perhaps he can find a job that is more "behind the scenes" where he won't feel so stressed. Just something to think about.

chicory

Thank you Suki,

I am really glad for your daughter, that she is doing things on her own. And that is the kind of job that i know my son would like. there are not many jobs here, and he has no transportation, but that is just another thing to get around. I was never great at finding ways of doing the tough things. I got lucky and found a job that I could stay with. If i were him, I know myself, and know that I would be greatly discouraged. I have never been one of those strong people, or I would not be in my situation now, i guess.
thanks for the encouragement. I am going to be vigilant about not sparing him the stresses. I have been buying him cigarettes, for i know what it is like to need a smoke-tho i quit. it is so bad to buy something that kills someone for them. i dread his pacing, commplaining, etc, but believe it or not, i can not tell if it is good or bad to help someone out , like that. it calms him down. but isn't that sick, that I cannot deny that?
I remember when my alc. mom would beg me to go get her beer, and I could not have the heart to say no. It was such a basic need for me to make her feel better, even tho i knew it was destroying her. She did not ask often, but i just felt so sad for her, and had a hard time saying no to her.
i guess i can understand people wanting to escape from pain.