Help with codependent mother
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 2
Help with codependent mother
I am new to this forum. I am an ACOA. My father was the alcoholic. He passed away this last year. After several abusive relationships and depression, I realized the huge impact growing up in a very abusive, addictive, dysfunctional environment caused in my life.
My dad is gone, and my anger with my codependent mother depresses me. She is in her sixties, and her whole life revolved around fighting with our dad, trying to control him, and being the victim. She never had a career or anything. Now, her whole life is lived through my and my only sibling, who is active duty and chooses to be deployed or overseas most of the time, and I don't blame him. She calls me at least 10 times a day, and gives guilt trips if I don't answer every time she calls. Moreover, it's like having another child. I give her as much financial support as I do my children, and then I get resentful and secretly blame her for my financial problems. I feel as if I will never be happy as long as she is in my life like this.
When I try and talk to her about anything, she becomes the victim and cries. I feel horrible and compensate by doing things for her that I later resent. I am exhausted. I am the oldest child, and I have always tried to make everything o.k. for everyone in my family, especially her.
She needs me, but she doesn;t respect me. I have an accomplished career, of which she is is very critical. She praises my brother constanly (although he chooses to stay away from her and his children from his failed marriages). I clean up all the problems of our family, yet she constantly makes snide remarks and puts me down.
How do others cope with a codependent, elderly parent?
My dad is gone, and my anger with my codependent mother depresses me. She is in her sixties, and her whole life revolved around fighting with our dad, trying to control him, and being the victim. She never had a career or anything. Now, her whole life is lived through my and my only sibling, who is active duty and chooses to be deployed or overseas most of the time, and I don't blame him. She calls me at least 10 times a day, and gives guilt trips if I don't answer every time she calls. Moreover, it's like having another child. I give her as much financial support as I do my children, and then I get resentful and secretly blame her for my financial problems. I feel as if I will never be happy as long as she is in my life like this.
When I try and talk to her about anything, she becomes the victim and cries. I feel horrible and compensate by doing things for her that I later resent. I am exhausted. I am the oldest child, and I have always tried to make everything o.k. for everyone in my family, especially her.
She needs me, but she doesn;t respect me. I have an accomplished career, of which she is is very critical. She praises my brother constanly (although he chooses to stay away from her and his children from his failed marriages). I clean up all the problems of our family, yet she constantly makes snide remarks and puts me down.
How do others cope with a codependent, elderly parent?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello 4Learning, and welcome to our corner of recovery 
Good for you. I was also raised by alkies, and my life was also thoroughly "scrambled" by all the "stuff" they dumped on me.
That's what recovery is all about. It's about giving you the tools to live your life free from the insanity of our parents addiction. If you browse around this forum you'll see how all of us are building new lives for ourselves. You can too. I think you have already started just by posting here on SR.
I am the oldest too, and I also became over-responsible and hyper-dependable. There's even a "diagnosis" for that, they call us the "hero-child".
At the moment, it's broken, but once they fix it visit our forum "next door"
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Read the "sticky" posts at the top of the forum. The first thing to do is educate yourself about the disease of "codependency". It's just as much an "addiction" as all the other ones.
Attend a few meetings of al-anon, and check out their literature. They have wonderful books and pamphlets for us ACoA's, as well as material explaining co-dependency and how it works. You can find meetings in your local phone book or here
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to join us
Mike
Originally Posted by 4Learning 
..... I realized the huge impact growing up in a very abusive, addictive, dysfunctional environment caused in my life. .....
Originally Posted by 4Learning
..... I feel as if I will never be happy as long as she is in my life like this. .....
Originally Posted by 4Learning
..... I am the oldest child, and I have always tried to make everything o.k. for everyone in my family, especially her. .....
Originally Posted by 4Learning
..... How do others cope with a codependent, elderly parent?.....
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Read the "sticky" posts at the top of the forum. The first thing to do is educate yourself about the disease of "codependency". It's just as much an "addiction" as all the other ones.
Attend a few meetings of al-anon, and check out their literature. They have wonderful books and pamphlets for us ACoA's, as well as material explaining co-dependency and how it works. You can find meetings in your local phone book or here
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to join us
Mike
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Hi 4learning and welcome to SR
I too am an acoa with an elderly, untreated codependent mother (74). My father was the alcoholic and he died 23 years ago.
Your story is eerily familiar (as are most who come to SR) - I too was the family hero and caretaker, from far too young an age. I am also highly qualified and yet my mother is soooo hyper-critical and oh boy, can I relate to snide, passive-agressive, abusive remarks.
How do others cope with a codependent, elderly parent? Since I found SR last August, I am slowly changing my thinking and my behaviour around my mother, one tiny step at a time. I find that if I try to change too dramatically the roller-coaster goes out of control or I am pinged back to my original position - so for me, it's baby steps and it does work.
Last year a poster called Give Love asked a question that has stuck with me - What are you willing to do? If my actions cause me to feel resentment, I either change my own behaviour or drop my expectations. Sounds so easy when I type it out like that - that's where my baby steps come in.
Welcome again and I hope you come back to let us know how you are getting on, IWTHxxx
I too am an acoa with an elderly, untreated codependent mother (74). My father was the alcoholic and he died 23 years ago.
Your story is eerily familiar (as are most who come to SR) - I too was the family hero and caretaker, from far too young an age. I am also highly qualified and yet my mother is soooo hyper-critical and oh boy, can I relate to snide, passive-agressive, abusive remarks.
Originally Posted by 4Learning
How do others cope with a codependent, elderly parent?
Last year a poster called Give Love asked a question that has stuck with me - What are you willing to do? If my actions cause me to feel resentment, I either change my own behaviour or drop my expectations. Sounds so easy when I type it out like that - that's where my baby steps come in.
Welcome again and I hope you come back to let us know how you are getting on, IWTHxxx
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