evmdimples

I've been working on this for a while and after reading the "Lonely" thread I thought I'd post about it. I've never had a lot of friends and am finding it even harder to make friends as an adult. I know this doesn't help my recovery, because I get to be too much in my own head.

I know people who make friends fairly easily, or at least have acquaintances to do things with or even just talk on the phone. I've been doing everything you're "supposed to do"... : volunteering, church, recovery meetings, support groups, special interest groups, yoga class, meditation, etc. Still having trouble making friends. Seems everyone is busy with their own life. I am working diligently at trying to reach out more (which is hard for me)... but seems I usually end up doing the reaching out, which seems to be the story of my life ever since I can remeber. Seems reciprocating invitations is a thing of the past? What happened to getting together with friends new and old? Is that something that just doesn't happen much anymore? Has life just gotten so crazy busy that there's no time for much of the socializing that I think should be happening or that I believe is happening to others? Or am I chasing yet another idealized version of a life that in fact does not exist?

And maybe part of it is me? I've been told I appear as "stuck up" when in fact i'm extremely shy with new people. Once people get to know me they realize that I'm rather ok. So... how does one not appear as stuck up to begin with?! Don't have a clue on how to work on that one! (scratches head mystified... )

thanks for letting me ramble.
peace

PaperDolls

I get that stuck up thing too. I just take a while to warm up I guess but I'm far from stuck up.

I've never had a lot of friends and I had to sort of learn how to be social. I'm about as socially awkward as I was when I was 12. Ugh. It's no fun but I have managed to make and keep friends in my AA group. All my friends are from there now. That's what I suggest. Get their early and stay late, don't wait for them to come talk to you. Make yourself do it first. It gets better.

porkchopped

Hi dimples!

Just wanted to pipe in and say that it sounds like you are doing everything right

Don't get discouraged! Some of the best friendships come from a slow burn and are made gradually. Also, there must be others just like you who are shy in nature. If you keep showing up, and showing interest in an activity and express curiosity about others' interests, it will evolve.

People are busy with their lives and that is okay, and NOT a reflection on you. The friendships will come, and in the meantime, keep posting on here and play out different scenarios to get some feedback and a sense of community.

Hugs, Pork

chanel1125

Hey!!

I too get that I come off as "b*tchy" or "stuck-up" and "unfriendly" but really I am the kindest person in the world!!

I have a hard time making friends now. I used to have many friends, but gave them all up to pursue my Eating Disorder and my Alcoholism.

Now I find myself codependant on my boyfriend. Like if we go out, I usually only talk to him. Ive been shy most of my life but when I was teenager and then as i got older and drank were the only times i made friends really. Its hard to start over. In most ways i dont want friends cause its easier without em. BUT it would be nice to have someone to call to come hang out other than my brother...

I guess you need to try to be more open, start a conversation with someone first, then they cant see you comming off as "stuck-up" because you're interacting with them first.

Im no pro, so im not sure how much good anything I said was. lol

anyhow take care!
good luck!

itisatruth

Thank you for posting this!

I have similar experiences when I trying to reach out more, especially back when I was trying refocusing my life back onto me. I totally agree with the poster who said it is not a reflection on you. People get into their own lives & issues.

I will add - and this is only my experience - I have a hard time letting people see the real me. I tend to hold feelings back and socialize only on a surface level without opening up my thoughts/feelings/life. It's a trust issue for me. But it has been the times when I was able to relax more with people and share more of myself that I've been able to make better friends.

I'm sure you are more than "OK" and sound like you would be a caring, thoughtful friend. Keep doing what you're doing; when you find someone who appreciates you for who you are, you will have found a true friend. Be patient, it will happen.

Bamboozle

Don't know. Wish I knew how to not appear unattractive.


evm, I think you're pretty cool. Most people are just assholes, anyways. Even though I'm pretty lonely I find that I'd rather not talk to most people. The few that I do like to talk to I really like...and really like to hang on to.

Meh...after I left college and moved back home I don't really talk to anyone.

I don't know...I wish I knew what to tell you.

spryte

This is a really interesting thread. Yeah, I get that 'stuck-up' thing too.

For me, I think it's a sense of formality and guarded-ness that keeps me from making friends easily. I'm perfectly nice and civil and interested in others, but until I feel a certain comfort level, I won't just...be. A high-functioning introvert? Maybe that's what I am? Ach, it doesn't matter. Labels, whatever.

I think that to make friends you need to toss aside your self-consciousness and be your flawed, awesome self. It's hard to make a connection if you're minding your social p's and q's. I think someone mentioned earlier about socializing on a surface level?

Anyway, relaxing and being myself - easy to say - hard to do!

Joining things and doing things, though. That has been great for me. Even if I don't make long lasting friendships; I feel that I'm in a good space when I'm 'out there' so to speak.

Draciack

Itisatruth, thanks for posting that. I'm going to use that mentality next time I'm at a social function, instead of being my usual guarded self.

I can relate to being looked at as "stuck up." For years, I tried to figure out why--I'm shy, insecure, and have trouble communicating. How could I possibly think I'm better than others?

But I try to look at it from their perspective. They're seeing an expressionless, quiet, unfriendly, almost cold individual. So most of the time they perceive me as "stuck up" or "insecure." No-win situation, but that's on me. People are always going to assume something, and the things I usually give them to work with on a first impression are not good things.

But, yeah, interesting thread

Ceres

I used to be told I appeared stuck-up too! I was a loner while active. But, I've managed to get myself a small yet strong friendship circle. How to kill two birds with one stone? Not appearing stuck-up and seeming friendly? One word:

Compliments

Give them freely! We compliment people in our minds all the time without realizing it. from the mundane: "That shirt she's wearing is cute" to the profound "What she said really helped me tonight". We just need to open our voice boxes. The good you do comes back to you. It's true!

evmdimples

How to make friends and/or not appear “stuck up”.
I've summarized the responses with small edits. Great stuff! Sort of like the steps to socializing and making friends. Feel free to keep adding!

• 12-step meetings (recovery friends). Get there early and stay late. Don’t wait for them to come talk to you. Make yourself do it first. It gets better (PaperDolls)

• If you keep showing up, keep showing interest in an activity (volunteer work, special interest groups, recovery meetings, etc) and express curiosity about others’ interest, it will evolve. Some of the best friendships come from a slow burn and are made gradually. (porkchopped)

• Try and be more open, start a conversation with someone first. (chanel1125)

• I have a hard time letting people see the real me. I tend to hold feelings back and socialize only on a surface level without opening up my thoughts/feelings/life. It’s a trust issue for me. But it has been the times when I was able to relax more with people and share more of myself that I’ve been able to make better friends. (itisatruth)

• For me, I think it’s a sense of formality and guarded-ness that keeps me from making friends easily… I think that to make friends you need to toss aside your self-consciousness and be your flawed, awesome self. It’s hard to make a connection if you’re minding your social p’s and q’s. (spryte)

• Joining things and doing things. Even if I don’t make long lasting friendships I feel that I’m in a good space when I’m “out there” so to speak. (spryte)

• I try to look at it from their perspective. They’re seeing an expressionless, quiet, unfriendly, almost cold individual. So most of the time they perceive me as “stuck up” or “insecure.”… People are always going to assume something, and the things I usually give them to work with on first impression are not good things. (Draciack)

• How to kill two birds with one stone? Not appearing stuck-up and seeming friendly? One word: Compliments. Give them freely! (Alizerin)

evmdimples

I have something to add to the list. It's a cautionary note when meeting people, based on my recent experience with a potential stalker (see relationship board about creep): Be aware of red flags, even subtle ones! Trust your gut, your instincts. If something feels uncomfortable, weird or off... it probably is. This is a big lesson for me and one I am actively working on.

I'm just now remembering that when I met this person there were some warning flags: I felt it, my body felt it and reacted to it... but I ignored the signals my body was giving me and I gave him my contact info. He became a nuisance.

I'm just now learning to trust my gut instinct. This is really important for me to remember: listen, acknowledge, and trust my feelings in all my dealings.

thankful for SR friends!

loveon2legs

Hi dimples!!
I recently met a lady at one of our local gas stations that I visit...we seemed to have alot in common, we decided to go for a coffee and that maybe Friday would work, so I told her to call my cell and see where I was and if I was finished work...well she didn't call my cell...she phoned my land line..and left 6 or 7 messages....saying she was waiting for me, where was I etc...when I heard these messages I had this weird feeling in my gut...like a warning...so I didn't bother calling her back and now don't go to that gas station... sounded to "intense" for me...and I avoid drama at all costs now...

Rancorous

I get that i'm "intimidating" a lot of the time, I don't understand why. *shrug* Oh well, whatever. :\

SlvrMag

I seem to have a problem finding friends too. I moved to this area a year ago and my only friend is my live-in boyfriend, which I am grateful for don't get me wrong!

I don't get it. It has been this way most of my life

loveon2legs

I always had tons of "friends" we've all gone on seperate ways now, but I find that people who you thought were your friends really weren't..I've been burned so many times, I just have a real trust issue now....I'm very very choosey who I let into my life...I don't "hang' around with anyone except my husband...I will go out the odd time with one other gal..but that's it...I've turned into kind of a loner...but I'm okay with that for the most part...It just makes me sad that there are so many people out there who want to use you for all they can get.....

Jenny1232

Have you ever heard of meetup . com? It's pretty much a local networking site... they have groups for EVERYTHING!!! I'm on it, but never actually attended a meeting, but they have so many!

FarawayFromCars

I'm the same way...have gotten that I am "cool" when in reality I am extremely shy.
I've found volunteering + school helped me make new contacts / friends who I keep in touch with via facebook and hang out with.

IceWolf

I don't know how long you've been out of high school, but I was jock in HS but not a very good one and I was shy so I didn't have much of a social life aside from a few people. Have you thought about going to facebook and trying to reconnect with people from HS? Not even friends just acquaintences. I've found its amazing the difference 20 years makes. People, those of both sexes who wouldnt have given you the time of day in HS can be most receptive to you. I have a budding relaionship going with a cheerleader who was certainly "not in my league" during HS. Go to FB and search for some people and ask them to be your friend, you might be surprised at who pops up. if youre still in the same area so much the better, the only thing holding me back from my love interest is that we live in other states, but we plan to get together this summer. Good Luck to you

Icewolf

evmdimples

I have tried meetup, but the group I joined died out due to lack of activity. And when I looked at a few other groups that sounded even remotely interesting to me... there was low to no attendance to the events. My young next door neighbor had the same experience so maybe it's the area. Which by the way, Ice... I don't even live in the country I grew up in, lol! So high school friends remain, but as cyber friends.

Interestingly, I've recently realized that in fact... growing up and especially in HS... I didn't have to develop the "making friends" skill... because everyone wanted to be my friend! Basically, I didn't have to do anything to have friends, just "stand there and look pretty" as they say. (my exg/f used to tell me to do just that... I hated the concept... and now this awareness... hm.)

Now, as an adult, I'm faced with that reality: that I don't have this skill... something I'll have to work on, if I want to have even a couple of friends. Which I do. Gotta luv awareness.

I did make a concerted effort recently 1) I did stay after one of my meetings and talked to a few people and 2) I reached out to several acquaintances (email) and ended up having a couple of nice outings with some folks this weekend, and we've decided to make it a monthly event!

Thanks for letting me ramble through this...
Actively working it, one day at a time.

IceWolf

Do you think that your psyche meds have blunted your friend making skills? I can't think or talk as well as I used to be able to due to the meds, but if I dont have them then the wheels fall off.

Icewolf