escape artist

my new husband likes to play games. I'm ok with that, I thought it was healthier than drinking. However, I have issues that it is more of a replacement for another compulsion. His is also an ACOA. Once again I feel a certain kind of abandonment, because as I told him, he spends 85% of his time either online about his games, online about war or looking at new toys for his games-and as I am very busy myself, which i thought was good, it seems he is not interested in developing any activities that I would like to do with him, unless it is what he wants to do. So then he says I just want him to stay at home and drink-cause that is all I am used to. and then he agreed to not go out of town to play his game and then he spends the evening online and drinking, kind of a passive agressive behavior. So much for quality time.

So i guess i need to get my own hobbies and let him do his thing huh? WTF. I am feeling like I am just being used for being "the wife" and my other needs don't matter. So then if I just decide I am not cooking anymore, should I be feeling guilty about it? Cause I sure don't feel like cooking for him or providing any other "service".

Makes me want to just scream and kick him out of my life. Guess I may be coming back around to the same crap as before. It makes me angry and I want to run away again. Maybe I am better off alone-at least there wouldn't be anyone there to have resentments against. Somebody please give me some words of wisdom-I don't want this to get worse, but I don't want to be treated like this again.

DesertEyes

Hello there escape artist

You know, what I'm hearing from your post is that you have certain expectations of your husband, and when he doesn't meet them you start obsessing about ways to manipulate him into changing into the kind of person you _wish_ he was.

I dunno about you, but when I started doing exactly the same kind of behaviors with my ex wife I developed something called "co-dependency". You've been around the al-anon side of SoberRecovery so you know what I'm talking about. Is this the kind of situation you are describing? Your husband may not be an alcoholic, but it sounds to me like you are feeling the same feelings as if he were.

Whadya think?

Mike

escape artist

Hi Mike, thanks for the reminder. I have had a few days to pull back and reflect on it and this is probably most of it. So I am trying to unenmesh myself as much as possible and see possibly several "resentments" which codependency is probably contributing to. It also helped me quickly turn around and ask for forgiveness. thanks again.