Onewithwings

I do, but I don't. I don't know, it's confusing. It's like I want recovery, but I am not willing to put forth the effort. I wish I was. I really just desperately want to be a normie. I still want to be able to get ****** up on the weekends and go about my business during the week. I know I can't do that, but that is what I want. My addiction is taking over my brain these past few days. I can't think about anything besides getting that drug. All I think about is getting high. I have about a week and a half clean right now, and I have relapsed 4 times since I started NA back in March. I have been working the steps and calling my sponsor. I just am not sure I can do this!

Dee74

Welcome to my life for about 20 years Onewithwings.

The thing is, the more I wanted to be normal and tried to drink or use recreationally the worse and worse my use and my life got.

Addiction is progressive. I ended up nearly dying because I wanted to be normal.

I had to finally accept the fact that I wasn't able to use 'normally', whatever that is, and never would.

I'm living the kind of life I always wanted to now

Interestingly, most of those mates I used to think used normally? They all clearly do have issues of their own and they've all said they wish they could do what I did.

They could. I'm not anyone special.

You can too. You've got the support here & at NA - all you need to bring to the table is the commitment.
Don't wait til you damn nearly destroy your life and yourself like I did.

D

meditation

That feeling half in half out of wanting recovery is going to be the norm until you stop the addiction. I felt the same way but until I gave my body a chance to get away from being addicted and occupied my mind with anything but thinking about wanting a drug---- I was half in and half out. It's a miserable place to be. Once I got the drug out of my system I could battle better the mental issues with wanting to use, I will say that I wanted recovery more than I wanted to use and most people get to that point that the addiction no longer satisfies the needs and the consequences of using ( they will come , it's not a matter of IF it's when) get so old that quitting sounds so good and being quit sounds great. If you want it you can achieve it. This wanting to quit eats at you till you finally do quit.

Onewithwings

Well, I relapsed last night, but I made it to an AA meeting during the day today and an NA meeting this evening. I cried my eyeballs out, seriously. I want this so bad. I told my husband about some stuff I have been hiding, and I feel much better for it. I now share an NA birthday with my sponsor, she got 11 years today! What an amazing woman! I want to share a birthday with her forever.

tsmba

Relapse is part of the disease: by definition Unfortunately we cannot offset those relapses by "good" behavior (like going to meetings) Each one of the relapses has the potential to be our last; though Each relapse is an indication that something is seriously wrong; and that action is needed!

Onewithwings

Thanks tsmba. I am not trying to offset my behavior though, I really did need those meetings. They were wonderful and healing. My NA family has been there for me through this, through each of me relapses and recoveries, and they give me great hope that I DO want this and I WILL get this!

Sugah

Have you taken any of the steps yet, OWW? I made a deal with myself, the only one I ever honored: I vowed I would not pick up until I had taken all 12. First thing in my life I saw the whole way through, and I haven't picked up since I started that journey.

For me, those brief periods between not using/drinking and using/drinking weren't really relapses. Until I had some sort of tool bag to keep me from picking up, they were just short vacations from using. Ask your sponsor about some serious recovery work -- and if you think you're up for it, make the same deal with yourself that I made.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Onewithwings

I did the first three steps in rehab because I had to to get through it, and I started working step 4, but I am starting again at step 1 because I want to do this right and as in depth as I possibly can, to really dig deep.

I am gaining more tools in my tool bag every day to keep myself from using, and I can feel myself getting stronger. I now see the importance of getting rid of my resentments and facing my character defects if I want to stay clean. I really do want this, I have found. I had a lot of time alone to think the other night, and I really feel I can say goodbye to drugs for good now, if I stay on top of my game, keep working the steps, and keep using those tools I have gained. This is such a monumental change in my life, and I am so grateful to be here today to take this next step.

Tryin2Recover

Alcoholics Anonymous, page 151 (A Vision For You)

For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt — and one more failure.

You arent unique, or alone. You can recover.

Zak

Sadly some just don't have a bottom , I don't think your one of them you just need more work,it's not easy that's why so many don't make it.knock it off your better than that!
Change your thinking before it's to late.

Onewithwings

Thanks everyone, I can always use some inspiration. I was SO tired yesterday coming off it and could hardly make it out of bed, but I am feeling good today, so I hope to get some stuff done around the house and start to make a normal, sober life for myself again.

larrylive

1wit,
Have you ever....? I just don't know where to begin. The world is so big and beautiful, with so many joys to be experienced. and our lives are so short we couldn't possibly see it all. Surely there is something or someone out there that can excite that passion, even more so than the drugs. Unfortunately we have to dig deep to find it. But it's always there if we are willing to look for it. I think I found mine, I call it peace. The peace I get from knowing, and doing, and sharing. And I am willing to bet as I go on living and searching, there will be more. And I'll bet if you look for it you can find your reason to be more and do more and love more.
Relax and give it some thought.
I am sorry to say it's not always easy and it's not always quick. But never, ever give up...believe me, I know.
Regards,
Larrylive