cjsg

I have to apologise straight away as I can never manage to make proper paragraphs. I am coming up on 4 months clean very soon. I feel great, I get a lot of support from an NA group where I attend once a week, sometimes more. I exercise, and have basically enjoyed a nice re-immersion in my life up to this point. I struggle with trying not to get angry straight away when life throws me curve balls. I am getting a little better and I am trying to do the right thing to stay sober and actually recover and be a whole person again. It is frustrating sometimes but I am thankful for my life as it is now and am very glad that for some reason the phenomenon of cravings has pretty much been taken away. I don't know why it has happened this way but I'm not gonna complain. SO everything is well..

Those who may not know, I very nearly died about ten months ago and had a freaky anonymous lady pretty much save my life in Mexico. I had literally lost everything so I came back, did suboxone taper and have been clean since Feb 9th 2010. I abused Tramadol mostly which is available without a prescription in Mexico. I mention this because I have planned a two week trip back to visit my mexican family and my girlfriend of ten years.
I made these plans and was quite happy and spoke wiht my cousin about my plans and she expressed concerns. She said she didnt want to take me down off my cloud, and I didn't feel that way. I actually am glad that she mentioned this because I think to not be cautious would be pretty ignorant.

I was thinking how easy it is to obtain tramadol. its in any pharmacy. And I know that I will be alone for about half of every day SO I got down and thought of some things that I might do and I wondered if any off this seems ridiculous or naive to any of you. To me it seems these are the most obvious things I can do to help keep myself out of trouble.

FIrst off I did veterinary school in Mexico and made a lot of Vet friends so i thought that I would pretty much volunteer at my friends clinic everyday while I am there. It would give me something to occupy my time, and we are great friends. I also know where the NA meetings are. I strongly think I should go. Im not too awfully worried as most of the time after 3pm I ll be with sober people and very busy doing normal things, museums, coffee, dinners, movies, etc... but something inside of me tells me I need to take care of myself during those morning hours and not be alone stewing or letting myself get bored. ANy thoughts??? Opinions?? I realise I might be opening myself up for a few jabs but Im srry if it doesnt scare me, I value my peer's opinions on this. You guys have been through these things and maybe even shared some of my conceptions on things is early recovery...in short I NEED to hear what your take on this is. Thanks for reading my boring drivel.................Chris

LifeBlows

Its great that you are planning ahead. BUT you only have 4 months of sobriety which is awesome and yet not so much time. Its a lot easier for you to indulge in Mexico due to not needing a prescription.

If you know where the meetings are, are you sure you can get to them on your own ie without needing a ride from someone.

Can you put off the trip for a few more months?

cjsg

WHen I say I have 4 months clean it sounds so pitiful. If I do decide to put off the trip it would have to be for more than just a few months. More like until next december or this same time next year. I Came back from Mexico in August of last year to get clean. SInce that time I have had the luxury of living at home and working with my father . This has afforded me a pretty flexible schedule and has provided me a pretty cushy environment to get back on track. I also broke my leg and haven't been able to do much. I thought if I were to go it might be now as I need to actually get a job in my field and kind of move back into a more normal life jobwise and I have some classes at university starting in August. I know I don't HAVE to go to Mexico but if I were to go it would fit in now as I'm not likely to be able to take a vacation this easily at another more proper job. And of course very present in my mind is the desire to see my girlfriend again before the school year gets started etc etc. She's quite understanding and would like to see me, but also wants me to be well. SO these are the things I find myself mulling about in my head ..... It would be quite a let down to resign myself to not going, but I do have to try to do the right thing. If I am not sober I don;t have anything. I havent been wracked with craving or a desire to use but I am unsure of what I might feel being there..................

Peter

You want my opinion? Ok.

I think you should postpone your trip. You are way too young in your recovery to be visiting somewhere that sounds to have high risk potential for you.

zbear23

I agree with Peter. Because we tend to feel so much better in our early recovery, it's easy to forget that we've done some serious damage to our brains....that our ability to think is impaired and it takes more time than we'd like for it to heal. IMO...my thinking for at least the first year was suspect, and what saved me wasn't just the willingness to ask others for direction....but to actually take it....even when my"thinking" provided me with all the rationalizations in the world why their warnings didn't apply to me.

You have an illness which has certain common signs and symptoms. The course of recovery is predictable, and one of the traps is for you to believe that somehow your recovery process might be different, better, faster. You probably wouldn't go skiing with your leg in a cast. I'd suggest it would be unwise for you to depend on your own thinking right now.

From your post, you don't need to be reminded that this can be a life or death decision....and IMO, recovery is ALWAYS about not taking unnecessary risks. That often means delaying gratification, which is something that I've always found quite challenging.<G>

blessings
zenbear

tjp613

I've read some of zenbear's other posts and zenbear is very wise.

Oxykillin

Sorry if this sounds so forward, because it is, GROW UP!
I have no pitty for someone who chooses to use drugs for recreational use, while people, like myself have came clean, who truly needed these pain meds, but just decided that i would rather live in pain, than live doped up, it's that simple.
If you can't dance with the devil, then don't dance, i out two stepped him, and will never look back.
Don't hide from your weakness, face it head on, you just might be surprised what your capable off when you have put your mind to it!
As the ole quote goes " There is nothing to fear, but fear itself, and if you fear it, then it is truly to be feared! "
I wish you well~!

tennladybb

THAT, i feel was incredibly harsh and uncalled for.. There are LOTS of people, most, on here that have had trouble with meds that arent needed, or were and became abused anyway. If you have no pity, maybe you dont belong here becuase there are so many compassionate people on here who CARE about those of us that abused meds. this is a place to come clean.. to talk.. to listen and again, most all of us on here are very compassionate and have plenty of empathy for others. I apologize if I sound harsh myself, but I felt that was a very cold response and didnt belong. I realize you probably mean well, but you may need to think things out more before you post.. Just MY opinion.

SlvrMag

If this is not an option, and you decide to go, I would TELL PEOPLE. Your family, vet friends, anyone who is involved in your life down there. Tell them your worries and tell them you want to keep busy. Tell them you don't want to relapse.

I found during my recent relapse that if I had TOLD people who care that I was dangerously close to relapsing, they would have been more likely to see it.

I don't know if I am making sense.

I kept it all inside. I did the usually avoidance crap: "I can't go to my friends house for dinner, they might see that I've been using, I'll just say I'm too tired from work"

But my addict voice won this time. It said "Yea, say you're too tired, then you can go to [connections] house for the evening!"

I knew better.

Please be careful.

Dee74

Seems to me there's a lot of deep dark holes a young guy could fall into on this trip.

I'm gonna go with the flow Chris - don't do it, mate.
4 months is great...but it's four months....16 weeks.

D

SlvrMag

Even after 1 year and 10 months, going back to the town I was in for 17 years of my addiction, was a bad idea.

Timebuster

I read your post Chris, not one mention of making any amends to the people you hurt/harm in Mexico.

I got three words for you Chris, People, Places and Things. We stay away from anything we identify that reminds us of using. Dealers, party/fu*k buddies, friends we ran with, or others in our lives who throw off our equilibrium; bars, clubs, baths, cities, streets or corners, or other places we associate with copping or using; stems, vials, lighters, cocktail glasses... There's a saying: "If you hang out in the barbershop, eventually you'll get a haircut."

TB

cjsg

Well... I can't complain as to the responses thus far. it is exactly what I asked for. I love how TennLady sweeps down to the rescue. She a sweet soul. I must admit when I read Oxykillins response I was at a loss as to what it meant. I didn't get offended as I sometimes tend to just say what pops out of my head rather bluntly and I don't mean those things with malice. I don't know quite what to make of that response but obviously something he read hit something in him and he felt compelled to give his take. Reading it a few times it seems as though I am being told not to be a fearful person and don't do the drugs.

There was mention of denying gratification. And also mention of taking advice. That hit home with me because I distinctly remember that when I actually did those things in the past, I mean when I actually stopped and said.. you know what, maybe I don't know best here. When I gave into that my life changed drastically in the course of one day. So I am aware that sometimes we can tend to foul our own selves up. Its hard to always be aware of when you are doing that. That where the extreme objective viewpoints of peers can be a life saver.

I thought I might clarify a few points as someone mentoned that I almost died 4 months ago. That happened last July. I left Mexico and came home and started a 6 month trek with suboxone and I started slowly eeking myself into some meetings. Really slowly at first then more frequent as I got to know the guys there. 4 Months ago is when I jumped off the suboxone. And yes 4 months seems and IS actually nothing at all. In those 4 months I have seen my personality come back and my brain heal in ways I never thought it would. Its astounding, but if I am to believe what I read here and what I feel in my heart.. then with the passage of more time it will continue to get better. I am not at a stopping point.

I was glad to see TimeBuster swoop down as well, I remember his responses to my very first posts here. I always got that making amends was something to be done in its time... or as it falls in order of the steps and not to mucked with outside that order. Are there people there I feel the need to apologise to...?? Well yes. WHile I was mostly a lone user ( I didn't have using buddies, or have to frequent dealers) certain people in my life were affected. I can see now ways in which I hurt them, that I was not even aware of until recently. I have thought about what I might say to them, but I am starkly reminded of what I see sometimes as a rush to apologise, such as I saw on celebrity rehab when ANdy dick was sober a few days and went out on an amends spree during which it was painfully obvious to me that the whole thing was more for him than anyone else. Even one of his friends said the same thing to him. I don't think I am even close to that step as I have just recently found someone who I think might actually sponsor me in the NA group I go. I would feel compelled to talk to and apologise to a certain few if I were to go.

The main thing I would love to do is spend time with my Brenda. This lady is amazing and I have never had anyone like her in my life. I knew the moemnt I saw her ten years ago that I was going to be with her forever... and thus far it has been the case. We don't worry about anything much because we are both filled with an overwhelming sensation that everything will turn out well as long as we communicate and be honest. She told me once she felt like we had both gotten on the worlds best rollercoster and just happened to have the luck to meet each other in the process. I will always be a part of her life regardless of what happens now or in the future. everything will be ok. I would just really love to see her before I leave this nice little recovery cush pad I had been lucky enough to live in and take advantage of these last months. The really difficult part is that the requirements for a obtaining a visa to the states even for a visit are incredibly demanding. Its not impossible, but they do like to see a large balance in your savings account, Having property in your name is a plus. Being a doctor or somethign of the like is favorable. Low income, lowly teachers, who rent and don't own a car are hard sells. She was denied a visa in december but she'll go interview again soon and has been trying to work on padding up her bank account and things that might help her chances of getting a visa. ANyway srry to babble so much. I appreciate that you guys have taken the time to give me your honest take on things. I find that each time I come back and read I get some new thing out of these responses. SO I'm going to do that some more....Thanks You Guys
Chris

tjp613

(((((HUGS)))))), Friend.

stugotz

When it feels wrong it usually is. Just sayin.... Good luck.

Peter

Sheesh Oxy, don't you have a smaller hammer in your tool box....?

cjsg

That last response just gave me my first genuine laugh today.
Chris

bval

I have a compromise for you cjsg. You obviously want to see your love, and the only way is to go to Mexico. But 10 days ... that's a lot of time. That's the part that would concern me. Is there any way you can set up a shorter trip, wherein you can be basically plan every hour to be with sober folks, etc? Find out where/when meetings are in advance and commit to being at one every day? I think if you do this *right*, in a careful enough way, it could be a safe thing to do, and a wonderful time for both of you. Again, 10 days though ... with a lot of time maybe by yourself ... I think it's early for that sort of a test.

I think it's normal to feel concern at this stage about returning to the scene, as it were, I'd consider that normal, wise, and not necessarily indicative that it's not something you can pull off okay.

But on the other hand, if you are legitimately worried about the situation, if you're really unsure whether this is a good idea to go there ... don't. Erring on the side of caution is never a bad idea in such matters.

BTW, have you spent any time with your girlfriend since you got sober? How long has it been since the two of you hung out w/o your being loaded? IOW, do you have a strong and recent association with being w/her and being whacked on tramadol? Cause that would be a bit of an extra cause for concern if it was me.

And BTW ... I don't think it's ever too early to start making amends. Read the section in the big book or basic text about it, and just do it if you go down there. Might not see these people for awhile, right?

cjsg

Hey Bval thanks for post my friend,

These last days I have kind of just been thinking about what everyone has said thus far trying ot let it sink in and try to remove myself a bit and try to see this all clearer. The same thing you said about maybe a shorter trip crossed my mind as well because its so hard to just shut down the wanting to see her part. I thought about the possibility of a shorter 4 or 5 day encounter. Maybe a stay in Mexico City where we could stay in a hotel and plan things to do everyday. There is sooooo much to do and see there that we would have our schedule packed. Or I kicked around the idea of us meeting up and doing a 4 or 5 day tour of the ruins in southern Mexico. That would be kind of fast paced and we'd be on the move but we would get to spend time together. I'm still not making a decision one way or the other. But I and leaning heavily toward thinking that ten days is a bit much.

I haven't spent time with Brenda in the flesh sober. And when I started getting bad we drifted somewhat and toward the end she took the attitude that she was going to be okay whether I was or not. In a sense that helped me realise I had to change albeit not right away. AMong knowing that I was going to die if I didn't change, the thought that she wasn't going to stay around any longer added to the load that finally turned the tide for me. I'm not worried about feeling odd not being loaded around her. We get on perfectly and when we get together we kind of just seem to engage quickly and have a great time. Maybe its my ingenuity thats to blame for me not feeling concerned about that aspect. We have kept in constant communication since then and have come leaps and bounds in our relationship since then. Its better than ever. I'm extremely lucky to have a great woman in my life.

Amends...thats heavy, but yes I have a few people to talk to if I go back. I know I can't change the things I did but I honestly feel soooo very ashamed of how I acted and disgusted at the manner in which I behaved. If these people want to hate me or not forgive me I would be fine with that I just want them to know and understand that I see it now and that I am sorry that I took advantage of their friendship and did not act like a decent human being and a good friend in some instances. Regret is a bitch.. it really is. my grandmother used to preach about regrets and I understand her now.

Thanks again for the posts guys
Chris