god help us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 19
god help us.
hey all. my husband is a drug addict and has been on something since he was 9 years old (he is 28, almost 29 now). he has overdosed multiple times, and since we have been married (around 4 months), he has been in icu and recently got to spend his first night in jail (dui, possession of a controlled substance, no insurance, etc). after the incident with the icu, he pleaded and begged me to stay with him and he started seeing a therapist. it obviously didn't work, because he went to jail a few days ago. he has this thing for narcotics, and he was caught with xanax. both were in his system. the day after he got out of jail, we went to his therapist and had him sent to a psychiatric ward, and that was because the closest rehab center was full. on top of all this, he has supposedly been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder and has the worst mood swings i've ever seen.
the thing is, we have a baby on the way, plus i have 2 kids from a previous relationship. he also has children with other people. i knew he had problems when we got together, but i didn't think it would turn out this way. we will lose our home (my dad is the house owner) if his arrest record gets out, and he has totally destroyed my trust because he was supposedly "clean" when he got arrested. i don't know if we should separate for awhile, or what. i don't know what sort of sentencing he's going to get for this last stunt and i am worried to death. what should i do?
the thing is, we have a baby on the way, plus i have 2 kids from a previous relationship. he also has children with other people. i knew he had problems when we got together, but i didn't think it would turn out this way. we will lose our home (my dad is the house owner) if his arrest record gets out, and he has totally destroyed my trust because he was supposedly "clean" when he got arrested. i don't know if we should separate for awhile, or what. i don't know what sort of sentencing he's going to get for this last stunt and i am worried to death. what should i do?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hey Krizlo,
Welcome to SR!!!! I'm so sorry to hear about what brought you to the site.
Something tells me that soon your thread will get moved to one of the "Friends and Family" forums in a bit, but I saw your thread and thought I would say hello.
No one here can tell you what you should do. With addiction we talk about the 3 C's:
You can't control it.
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure him.
Please take care of yourself and your precious children. They did not choose this life, and should be protected from it.
There is a lot of good information in "stickies" located at the top of each forum. Take some time, get comfortable, read around a bit. Others will be along soon to offer you their Experience, Strength, and Hope!
Hugs and prayers,
HG
Welcome to SR!!!! I'm so sorry to hear about what brought you to the site.
Something tells me that soon your thread will get moved to one of the "Friends and Family" forums in a bit, but I saw your thread and thought I would say hello.
No one here can tell you what you should do. With addiction we talk about the 3 C's:
You can't control it.
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure him.
Please take care of yourself and your precious children. They did not choose this life, and should be protected from it.
There is a lot of good information in "stickies" located at the top of each forum. Take some time, get comfortable, read around a bit. Others will be along soon to offer you their Experience, Strength, and Hope!
Hugs and prayers,
HG
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Is this how you want the next 40 or so years of your life (and childrens' lives) to go, or worse? I would think this is a perfect time to evaluate what you find important in a loving and healthy relationship..yanno those lil things like trust, honesty, thoughtfulness..
This is our only shot at this life thing..make it meaningful, especially to those kiddos that don't even have a choice.
There's a friends and family of substance abusers forum here too, might want to check it out!
This is our only shot at this life thing..make it meaningful, especially to those kiddos that don't even have a choice.
There's a friends and family of substance abusers forum here too, might want to check it out!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 54
Sounds to me like you didn't know what you were getting into four months ago when you married him... but now you prolly wanna evaluate, or, if the case may be, re-evaluate, your situation, and see what can be done to help him face his addiction and recieve help for his problems. Is this possible at all?? Otherwise, no house, kids in danger, wow. So was he diagnosed at the psych unit that he went to in leui of treatment for the bipolar? Or had he already had the diagnosis and it just got worse?? Did he finally get into treatment? Does he appear to have a desire to attempt substance abuse cessation? These are important questions to ask yourself, me thinks.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Little Rock, Arkansas
Posts: 14
smacked: your quote, "This is our only shot at this life thing..make it meaningful " is spot on. It really hit home for me and hopefully to this thread. My sister is in the same situation and she is too involved with the drama to step back and see her kids have no say and are adversely affected, which may continue the cycle later. I will definitely adopt this statement in my own life. thanks.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 9
oh hun im sorry you're going through this.
Considering how much help he already had plus the icu and jail, it doesn't look like he really is trying his best you know.
What he needs is a reason to stop. Be there for him when he needs you, but don't let him control your life and disturb your children's lives.
have Faith and pray ....help will come!
better keep him away from kids though when he's high.
Considering how much help he already had plus the icu and jail, it doesn't look like he really is trying his best you know.
What he needs is a reason to stop. Be there for him when he needs you, but don't let him control your life and disturb your children's lives.
have Faith and pray ....help will come!
better keep him away from kids though when he's high.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
Wow. My heart goes out to you. This is a sad dilemma all around, esp. for the kids.
Given the situation ... being married, kid on the way ... this is different than what I'd say if this was just your boyfriend we were talking about here. In that case, I'd just say girl cut your losses now and run. But this is different.
I'd say that you give the man an ultimatum ... 30-day inpatient rehab, or you walk. Give him one real chance at least. Breaking this cycle on one's own is TOUGH, really tough, esp. if you've been on narcotics for a long time. If people could do it easy on their own, you think rehabs would be a multi-billion dollar industry? Of course it would not be. Quitting narcotics (i.e. opioids) is not something many people just wake up one day and do. Once you're hooked, you have very little 'control'. That's why it's called 'addiction'
[Edit: misread your post]
AFA the arrest situation, um ... dunno about Kentucky law, but in California, they tend to want to keep you out of jail if all you got busted for was possession. They just want you to get help. You may have to plead out to a minor charge, so that will go on your record as a conviction, but 'illegal possession of controlled substance' isn't all that horrible a crime in most people's book nowadays.
AFA 'keeping him away from the kids when he's high' thing goes that infinity spoke of, I have to kinda disagree. I think that's extreme. I wouldn't leave him alone to take care of the kids if you have any other option, but honestly ... just because someone's addicted to opioids doesn't turn them into some kind of monster. Sheesh. There's a LOT of women on this board that struggled with narcotic addiction for YEARS, taking care of one or many of their own kids. Perhaps not doing as good a job of mothering as they should have, but ...
Real addicts don't even get high anymore. They just take dope to keep from getting sick. Something to keep in mind.
Given the situation ... being married, kid on the way ... this is different than what I'd say if this was just your boyfriend we were talking about here. In that case, I'd just say girl cut your losses now and run. But this is different.
I'd say that you give the man an ultimatum ... 30-day inpatient rehab, or you walk. Give him one real chance at least. Breaking this cycle on one's own is TOUGH, really tough, esp. if you've been on narcotics for a long time. If people could do it easy on their own, you think rehabs would be a multi-billion dollar industry? Of course it would not be. Quitting narcotics (i.e. opioids) is not something many people just wake up one day and do. Once you're hooked, you have very little 'control'. That's why it's called 'addiction'
[Edit: misread your post]
AFA the arrest situation, um ... dunno about Kentucky law, but in California, they tend to want to keep you out of jail if all you got busted for was possession. They just want you to get help. You may have to plead out to a minor charge, so that will go on your record as a conviction, but 'illegal possession of controlled substance' isn't all that horrible a crime in most people's book nowadays.
AFA 'keeping him away from the kids when he's high' thing goes that infinity spoke of, I have to kinda disagree. I think that's extreme. I wouldn't leave him alone to take care of the kids if you have any other option, but honestly ... just because someone's addicted to opioids doesn't turn them into some kind of monster. Sheesh. There's a LOT of women on this board that struggled with narcotic addiction for YEARS, taking care of one or many of their own kids. Perhaps not doing as good a job of mothering as they should have, but ...
Real addicts don't even get high anymore. They just take dope to keep from getting sick. Something to keep in mind.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 19
well thus far, he has to go through his treatment at the psych ward and follow through with that. plus, i want him to stay with his grandma for a few weeks when he gets out so maybe i can learn to trust him again (but from a distance). i can't just let him get out of the ward and come straight home to us - you just don't know what's going to happen. if his grandma won't let him stay there, i don't know what he can do. he is a great dad to the kids and it would really break my heart to have to get rid of him because they love him so much. i just can't handle something going on all the time, you know? it was right at a month since he got put in the icu, and now going to jail.. blah. we've only been married 4 months and this has happened twice. nothing (and i mean NOTHING) happened in the time period before since i have known him. all of the other hospitalizations happened before we met.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
Originally Posted by krizlo 
well thus far, he has to go through his treatment at the psych ward and follow through with that. plus, i want him to stay with his grandma for a few weeks when he gets out so maybe i can learn to trust him again (but from a distance). i can't just let him get out of the ward and come straight home to us - you just don't know what's going to happen. if his grandma won't let him stay there, i don't know what he can do. he is a great dad to the kids and it would really break my heart to have to get rid of him because they love him so much. i just can't handle something going on all the time, you know? it was right at a month since he got put in the icu, and now going to jail.. blah. we've only been married 4 months and this has happened twice. nothing (and i mean NOTHING) happened in the time period before since i have known him. all of the other hospitalizations happened before we met.
It's not only addicts, but those who love them who need to do some serious reality testing in order to save themselves (you CANNOT save HIM). A recovered friend of mine suggests that we pay attention to the track record.
I wonder exactly what evidence you have that his behavior is likely to change. And if you can't come up with anything other than your loving influence....you'd probably be better of cutting your losses and paying attention to the health and welfare of you and the children. Sounds to me like he's been around this block before.
Denial and delusion go hand in hand, and I'm really glad you came here to get some reality testing. This is an inside job, but we need outside help.
blessings
zenbear
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