thequest

Would resentment be a symptom of a particular issue or addiction? Or should we just assume this individual has a grudge?

Zencat

Just my take on the subject, resentment is something I have to let go of when it becomes a motivating force that stifles my personal development. I may some healthy anger when it comes to injustice and like that. But I see resentment can fester within me when it's unjustified anger. That stuff I have to resolve. Mostly by just letting it go.

Ceres

I don't know the question confuses me?

"Would resentment be a symptom of a particular issue or addiction?"

Resentments are not limited to issues or addictions. The reasons they come about are as varied and complex as the people who get them (Which would be everyone). It's how long we harbor the resentments that separate the more mentally fit ones from the sicker ones.

thequest

Sorry, it was a sloppy question. The person in question frequently shows signs of a grudge or resentment. He won't do anything about his predictament and yet is constantly miserable trying to bait you into a argument or fight. He blames everyone else for his problems in life period.

One example is that several times over the years he blamed his parents for not sending/paying for him to go away to college(he had a lot of richer friends who's parents did so BUT they have always done well academically) but he barely graduated high school & community college. His richER friends also had parents who had vacation homes and always got the latest and greatest-his parents did not. He feels others are cheating him out of the good life. This is just one example. It's a sense of entitlement I guess.

This is an adult approaching 50 who still harbors or touts these kind of opinions.

Lilya

I would think by your description that the person is stuck in a victim mode. He is still harbouring resentment because of his circumstances, blaming his parents and other people. He seems to be in emotional pain since he lashes out at people. Does he drink?

I know some people like that and there are some in my family. I try to avoid them, because they mess with my own recovery and most of them have not followed any advice or guidance to get on with their lives and let go of the past.

I say like the ancient Serbes: Live and let live.

Ceres

That's tough to be around. Like Lyla, I've known a few like that. That sense of entitlement you mentioned. Which was an excellent observation I thought! For me, that's a pretty unattractive trait for someone to have so glaring. Entitlement is like a dirty word (ew).

I do some volunteer work with foster kids and in training they advised us that one thing they tend to see with the older ones is indeed a sense of entitlement. Being owed something. Also like Lyla said, it's being in a state of "I'm a victim". (But kids can outgrow it) Then again, I was in a foster home and I don't think I feel a sense of entitlement anymore than anyone else does at times! My point about the foster kids is that, like him, they go to school and hang out with kids who (seemingly) have so much more than they do.

Sounds like he needs to find his own worth and begin to like himself. From (recent) experience, people like that lack self-love. Unfortunately, what it means to be in a relationship with these people, is that they will learn to dislike you just as much as they do themselves. Or, even dislike you more than themselves. Because, afterall, they don't have any worth - So you must be worth even less because you "love" them.

Hence, picking fights.



A

thequest

Victim mode describes things very well. Drinks like a fish. The funny thing is that he actually "made it" by working his way into management in at least 2 companies by BARELY completing a 2 year degree. He now considers himself a whitecollar professional. BUT he's not the high power executive he thinks he is. And before he was layed off(had 9 months warning as well) he turned down a transfer doing the same job but didn't want to leave his friends. Want his cake and eat it too-we're right back to entitlement.

He feels cheated and uses the current economy as an excuse for his decades of attitude and behavior. Sometimes I wonder if it's the lack of money or the lack of job title with privilege that bothers him more.

utopia

expectations are pre-meditated resentment.

zbear23

I am an alcoholic who has "recovered from a SEEMINGLY HOPELESS state of mind and body." My seemingly hopeless state of mind did not suddenly happen, but is the result of the shame and guilt I developed early on in life....and I was blessed with a loving and prosperous family! I think part of growing up is learning to take responsibility for our own feelings and working through the shame that seems an inevitable part of human development.

My problem was not alcohol. That was my toxic solution to the lack of self love....the fear, doubts, insecurities, guilt and self loathing that caused me such pain and misery. It was a quick fix that worked for a long time, but once it stopped working, I had to find a different, healthy solution.

Recovery has taught me to stop blaming other people, places and things; to stop complaining about stuff that I cannot change....and start to think instead about what I can do to make things better. I look for the positive rather than seeking out the negative.

Resentment is simply anger that we hold on to, and anger of every sort is an expression of fear, not love. My fear was that I really was that awful person that I had kept hidden away from others with my grandiose masks; and from myself by the avoidance of taking responsibility for my own fate. I lacked the courage to challenge my own inner demons, and was too proud to reach out for help (because that would simply confirm that I was weak and worthless).

One of the most useful suggestions I ever had from a therapist was to "stop feeling sorry for myself, grow up and stop blaming others." AA is what finally convinced me that I WAS lovable, not that awful person I'd kept hidden away all those years, that worthless creature full of hatred and self pity. AA truly "loved me until I learned to love myself." Then I became able to pass that love on to others.

I've heard resentments defined as "poisoning myself to harm someone else." Looked at objectively, it is totally insane, and because it IS insane, it will seldom respond to reason....hmmmm....just like my alcoholism.

blessings
zenbear

Norther

Resentment is to alcoholism as chicken is to egg.