Iwanttoheal

Sat here in floods of tears....

Yesterday, I was reading Naive's story on the Family and Friend's forum. I read and read and read with a kind of sick fascination.

My mother was exactly the same as Naive but with one important difference, she stayed with her alcoholic, became insane herself and her children grew up in the resultant chaos and dysfunction. I always new in my head that I was lucky to be alive but it had never touched my heart until yesterday. Yesterday, I looked at the child I was:

I was left home alone at nightime aged 5 with my baby brother to look after.
I was driven around in a car with a drunk man at the wheel until the age of 13 when my Dad lost his license.
I was the one who got up late at night, age 12, to put out a chip-pan fire in the kitchen (luckily there had been a programme on the tv that told you how to wet a tea-towel and place this over the burning pan).

Yesterday, I gave thanks for being alive - I don't know who I was thanking God, a HP, luck but I thanked them anyway with all my heart. I truly, truly appreciated the fact that I was still alive and walking on this earth.

Then came the part that trips me up, again and again and again and again...

One of the posters was comforting Naive saying you'll feel better after your visit to your Mum. (This is not a personal attack on this poster but it is an example of the truly ingrained myth that in our society mother's care for their children). Her words were: At least I know that as I have confided and spent more time with my mom, I have felt so much better. Its true that a mother's love is the only 100% unconditional love there is! (or at least one of the best examples of it)

I too believed this myth and to this day I WANT TO BELIEVE THIS MYTH - I don't want to believe the evidence before my eyes that my mother does not love me, she did not and does not take care of me, I was the strong one, I took care of her and am supposed to take care of her now. A loving, caring mother does not:
Leave her children home alone.
Allow them into a car with a drunk behind the wheel
Allow her daughter to sleep in a room that rats can get into
Leave her children alone with a drunk
Allow her daughter to put out chip-pan fires

That is why I keep going back to see her - I'm pleading in every way I know how for this woman to SEE ME, TAKE CARE OF ME, LOVE ME.

I am tired of being needy
I am angry with myself for being needy

I have so much going on in my own life that is pressing my childhood triggers

I am supporting my dh while his job is under threat
I am supporting my autistic son while the social services decide whether he is eligible for continued diability living support

I am trying so hard not to worry and failing miserably
What if dh loses his job?
What if ss decide my ds is not eligible for disability benefit?
What if we can't pay the mortgage?
What if, what if, what if...

I am so tired of being the strong one, so tired of having no money, so tired of fighting of fighting tooth and nail for every tiny little bit of financial and social help for ds, so tired of working out coping strategies, so tired of feeling my mother could help us if she chose to, so tired of feeling hurt that she doesn't help, so tired of feeling hurt that she chooses to help my brother instead and enables his drinking, so tired of feeling afraid...

I want to let go, I want to admit I am powerless not against alcohol but at what "life" is throwing at me but then I think that would be irresponsible - it is your responsibility to ensure that your dd and ds are looked after either by yourself or society. I picture my mother giving up, taking to her bed, absolving herself of her responsibilities to her children and that spurs me on to find a solution; drives me to find answers but I can't see my way through this one and I am so tired and scared. I hate being an acao.

Iwanttoheal

Thanks vague trace, yes I am stuck with the need for a mother to love and look after me. It doesn't seem to matter how hard I work at this and believe me I've tried, I cannot reconcile my rational, thinking head with my emotional need.

It is getting worse, not better - later today, after I posted, I was ranting in my head when grating a block of cheese of all things. "See Mum, this is how you do it, you are on your knees and you drag yourself up and feed your family. I can do it - why couldn't you".

My daughter and husband came in from school / work - I watched myself switch roles - on came the smile, out came the love, the care, the concern that they were well. This was genuine but a seperate, distinct role from the shattered person that I was this afternoon. This is starting to worry me.

Later I was in the car with dh and he sniped about having no money for petrol (he is as worried as I am about our precarious finances) and I flipped - I never flip - it all came pouring out me like a burst dam - the anger at my Mum, the anger at myself, I banged my head against the back of the car seat several times as if I could knock some sense into my stupid head.

After I calmed down and apologised, I tried to trivialise it and sweep it all away - good old acao denial training. He called me on my sh*t and I agreed that this was not trivial, it had to be adressed.

So tomorrow, I'm going to make an appointment with my Gp to see if he can refer me to adult mental health services. I don't want meds, I want to talk to someone who knows about this stuff and who can help me try to come to terms with it. I can't keep searching the internet trying to find answers out there in the ether to fix me - I do know that only I can fix me - but I need help to do it. I'll keep you posted, IWTHxxx

cymbal

I'm amazed that when I read what you write, I hear all of my feelings pouring out. I really understand what you're going through. I also have two special sons. I have found a website that truly helps me:

Inner Child Healing - a path to freedom, serenity, and empowerment

Mr. Burney does a wonderful job of describing healing your inner children, but its you that does the parenting. There's an expression in the program about insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I finally realized that it really is crazy for me to keep going to my mother for mothering. Step two is we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. Step three is we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

I'm writing the steps because I want you to know that you're not alone. When you realize you need help all you need to do is ask God for help. He is able.

Are you going to Al-Anon? Face to face support is so helpful too. Therapy too, but I have no idea how long that'll take over there.

I also find that crying really releases the hurt, so maybe just let go and have a good cry.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and you're not alone.(((((hugs)))))

DesertEyes

Hello there, IWantToHeal, and have a ((((( hug )))))

I know exactly what you're saying, because that is exactly how I used to feel too, before I started working on me.

I am the one who raised my younger brother, got him up for school, made sure he got breakfast, clean clothes, did his homework. As I grew older I started giving marital advice to my parents, as they were incapable of taking care of themselves. I really was the only adult in that family. And like you I never had a childhood of my own. Here's a few things that have helped me, see if any of these are useful to you.

My Mother and Father are just the biological accidents of my creation. They never were "parents" of any kind. They were just a couple of drunks that happened to live in the same house I did. They had their "disease" of addiction, but I have my own "disease" that I have worked thru al-anon. My "disease" is that I have this fantasy that two strangers who happened to live in a house are somehow going to magically transform into parents.

I might as well fantasize that a pair of bricks in that house are going to magically transform.

When I gave up on that fantasy, when I did step one of recovery from ACoA and Admited I am powerless over my fantasies, and they have made my life unmanageable, that is when I started getting well.

Since then I found a delightful 80yr old lady who has no children of her own and we adopted each other. She is now 96 and I call her "Mom", and she calls me "Son". I have made deep lasting friendships with healthy people and created my own "family of choice". These people really do care for me, and have shown me with actions over the years.

There is nothing wrong with my need to be loved. I am a human and that is the way us humans are built. What is wrong is my own "disease" whereby I seek love from those that have none to give. From people that are emotional "bricks". When I sought love from healthy people, who needed someone to love (like that 80 yr old lady) I actually found it. Imagine that

Ok, can we get honest here? Where, exactly, do you get that feeling from? Have you _ever_ seen a brick that helps peope who need help? One of the defnitions of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over and over and over expecting different results. How many times are you going to hit your head against the same brick and expect it not to hurt.

<big grin> We even have a "smiley" for this concept ===>

Here is the center of my recovery, it's the "Serenity Prayer" modified for us ACoA:

HP, grant me the serenity to accept the past I cannot change
The courage to change the future I can
And the wisdom to start today.

Whadya think?

Mike

tromboneliness

That is a bunch of cr*p that we get from people who have no clue as to what we're going through. "A [parent's] love is the only unconditional love," etc. What nonsense. They have no idea how toxic parents can be.

"You'll feel better if you go back to being your parent's indentured servant" is the kind of "advice" we get from know-nothings who cling to the Norman Rockwell version of family life and do not know what it's really like.

Don't listen to that stuff. Take care of yourself. That's what I'm doing, as my Dad goes through the protracted process of dying. He has to take care of his own issues, as I work on mine (and will have to keep working on them after he's gone)....

T

Iwanttoheal

Thank you for the hug Mike, it was very much needed. A lot of your post is helping me.

I think that this last paragraph is exactly where I am at. My head knows that the brick is going to hurt like hell - my heart hopes that this time, this time will be the time that my need will be met. The feeling, the desperate need comes from me - I need to somehow meet that need myself, I need to parent myself.

I made an appointment to see my doctor to ask for a referral to a therapist, it will be 3 weeks but the appointment is made.
I have been given two crisis numbers that I can ring if I need in the meantime.
I am going to look after myself and get a couple of hours sleep in before the troops descend home.

Thanks to Tromboneliness and Cymbal for your replies, IWTHxxx

Iwanttoheal

Thank you Vague Trace

I have just done some quick reading on repetition compulsion and it makes a lot of sense, to me anyway.

The bottom line for me is that I have no "parent figure" in my life that will fulfill my unmet needs and allow me to turn away from my mother.

My father is dead (through alcoholism), father-in-law is dead (through alcoholism), mother-in-law also dead, grandparents all dead, Uncles and Aunts all live in different country (varying degrees of addiction in the families), my divorced brother is an active alcoholic (his ex-wife's mother was an alcoholic and her father, lord knows what he was but he is a criminal who has spent time behind bars), my mother an active enabler.

Which brings me to my own little family:

My lovely oh has Asperger's (I got lucky, at least I didn't choose an addict, although the emotional unavailability of an Autistic certainly ticked all the right boxes allowing me to repeat the pattern of having to parent another person. Although he has matured over the years, he is very much an emotional child himself, with me being the adult in the relationship.
My ds has Autism (a lot more severe than dh) and of all of us, my dd is "normal" whatever normal is.

Hence, the title of this thread - I am so tired of being strong. The child in me is screaming, when is it my turn to be looked after, I NEED to be cared for. Why am I screaming that - because I am vulnerable.

I am no longer the working capable adult that I was a year ago who can take care of herself and her children (financially). I am back being a desperate child who is dependant on her oh whose own job is under threat. So I cast about for a "parent figure" to take care of me, I fall for the "lure" of my mother, the only "parent figure" around in my life and back round I go on the abuse cycle.

Or using Mike's analogy, the "addict" ie me, goes back to the "brick" for yet another emotional bashing around the head that hurts like hell.

I know what I am doing; I can see what is happening in my life and where my behaviour stems from; I know what I "should" be doing.

The easy answer - stay away from the brick, stay away from the pain.

Easy, like hell is it easy - the compulsion is ferocious and drives me back again and again and again. Each time I fail, my self-esteem takes another battering and yes, the fear is monstrous. I am tired of being alone, I am tired of being the child who never had parents, the child who had to parent her mother, her father and her brother.

Thank you again to everyone who has taken the time to respond

Iwanttoheal

Am in a much stronger place today. I have been doing a lot of reading on repetition compulsions over the past couple of days and I found this article which has really improved my understanding of the affect of my childhood abuse on my present day life.

The Compulsion to Repeat the Trauma

It is a scientific paper, quite wordy and may not be for everyone. I know people say that you need to concentrate on your own recovery, which I agree with totally, but I have found it extremely difficult to move forward as I could not understand why despite my very, best efforts involving every ounce of my being, I continued to repeat behaviours and thought processes that were detrimental to my own well-being again and again and again and again.

This paper has enlightened me as to why I behave the way I do and why I currently feel this ferocious, paralysing fear. I am not going mad; I am not a pathetic, feeble, useless person who is the only person in the world that cannot move forward into her own recovery - that is how I was feeling on Wednesday, complete and utter despair and exhaustion.

I was severely traumatised as a child - my life was in danger, too numerous times to count. To cope with this, I disassociated from my feelings. Over this past year, all the stresses that I have been under (and there have been a lot of them) have triggered or accessed my surpressed childhood fear. I cannot put this crippling fear into words and I wish to God that I couldn't feel it, it would be very nice to feel numb again.

However, understanding where this fear is coming from, understanding why I am compelled / driven to repetitively seek care from my childhood primary care-giver (even though she was / is also my primary abuser) is a source of great comfort and strength. I finally feel grounded as if at last, I have a secure base from which to move forward.

The article is worth a read - the advice at the end being therapy, meds and 12-step programmes, IWTHxxx

DesertEyes

Hi there IWTH

oh good, you're one of _us_ you know? and we worry about you (((( hugs ))))

ummm.... as far as I can tell, you _are_ working on your own recovery. Just like all the rest of us ACoA's, we may have a "drug of choice", which for me as an alanoid is mood-altering women, but I have other issues that are equally a part of my recovery.

Nope, you are not any of those things. You are just like me and everybody else in ACoA. You are a healthy, positive, normal person who has an _emotional injury_ caused by a toxic childhood. My emotions were _poisoned_ by my toxic parents, and just like a chemical poison I have to get it out of my system and heal.

And by the way, I have been in the exact same "stuck" place you mention when I first got into recovery. And for me it was the same, I had some ACoA "stuff" I had to get out before I could move forward.

oh you're going to do much better than that You're going to _overcome_ that fear the same way all of us are doing. It's going to get smaller and smaller and the day will soon come when you will not _need_ to feel numb because there will be no fear at al. You will truly have a life that is happy, joyous and free

Welcome to recovery in ACoA, sounds to me like you have step 1 of ACoA mastered

imagine that.

I am _so_ glad you're feeling better. You deserve it.

So what is next in your recovery? What are you going to do in order to move into Step2, and keep moving forward toward your new life?

Me? I'm focusing on my needs, which is something I find difficult to do. I am taking care of my health today, intentionaly not going to be over-responsible and sacrifice myself for others who don't actually need me.

Mike

EveningRose

Iwanttoheal, I can very much relate to this. My mother is the long suffering martyr married to my 'dry drunk' father. I'm sure she was under a lot of stress with all he dumped on her, but as I get older and have worked very hard to be a good and CALM and PLEASANT mother to my children despite dealing equal or worse stress, I, too, want to scream, If I can raise my children without the constant hatred and anger and rampages, why couldn't you?

Like DesertEyes, I am turning more and more to other people. Without realizing it, I have been learning all these years from older people involved in the activities I've joined: people who have had just as difficult lives as my parents, but are living their lives with joy, who see good things in me and have unwittingly taught me something about what is normal in relationships between people.

Iwanttoheal

Hi Mike

Said with loads and loads of irony and a heavy degree of cynicism....

"Take care of myself" :rotfxko. "That's not my job, it's my job to take care of others" .

Okay - enough martyrdom. I do take care of myself in that I don't smoke, I don't drug, I drink very occasionally, I exercise, ya de ya da - all good right.

That's not the issue though is it:
Focus on my needs - I seriously don't know how to do that.... what are my needs? who am I?

I don't exist independently, I have self-assigned roles - I am a good, responsible, loving wife and mother; I care for an adult son with autistic spectrum disorder; and I have roles assigned by my mother - I am the daughter and sister whose duty it is to care for her mother and brother but who is fighting tooth and nail not to enact this role.

Did I ever exist as a unique entity - I don't believe so

I get so knotted up over this...

With regard to this and my adult son, I am continually walking an exhausting tight-rope. Last year he was classed as a vulnerable adult with special needs.
I am exhausted trying to parent him, I am trying to teach him how to achieve an adult independence that he may never actually achieve, I am continually providing a support network in order for him to make baby steps forward - steps that his sister (15) made years ago, independently without input from Mum.

I continually struggle with facilitating his independence - the fears are horrific. Maybe I somehow caused his Autism, maybe he is yet another generation developed from a dysfunctional alcoholic family, maybe I am not helping him but am infact enabling him to be dependent. Does he actually need me? Would he in fact survive independently?

This is another area where I am coping on my own and am so tired of having to be strong. Where I live (UK off-shore island) there are minimal autism support services. We have been assessed and this makes me howl with ironic laughter and pain - I have been told that we are not eligible for support because we are coping too well. Now if I were to throw ds out, or if I were an alcoholic mother who couldn't cope and drank all day (their words not mine) they would step in with support.

We have a meeting with an independent doctor next week who is going to decide my son's entitlement to disability benefit and therefore my entitlement to carer's benefit. I am sick to my stomach in case the decision goes against us - if it does I don't know what I am going to do - my childhood fear is rising up and engulfing me, paralysing me - I keep trying to deal with it like the mature adult I can be, I keep trying to make a plan but this fear, this godd*mn fear. I have coped with so much in all my life but I am all out of strength - sorry, don't know where this came from

dothi

Hey IWTH! Try thinking of it this way. Each trauma you received was like a little cut to your brain. Just like a little cut, it needed to scab over so you could keep functioning. But while you were still trapped in a toxic environment, it didn't get the fresh air it needed to actually heal.

It sounds to me like your brain has been waiting a LONG time to finally give itself the attention it needs to finally heal itself. And boy, after all these years, I bet it's exhausting! That's why you're "suddenly" so tired and out of strength. As you've been working your way to a better place, the part of your brain that wants to see you healthy finally feels safe enough to speak up and say, "pay attention to all the pain that's still in here, waiting to heal!"

Talk to your GP. Look in the phone book for any community counselling, crisis centre, or mental health services. Be warned: any government funded program is going to be SLOW in getting started.

Last summer I phoned and asked to do an intake. Three months later I was finally talking to someone. That continued for six months. Now this summer the therapist I had been working with invited me to a group therapy - all for people involved with an alcoholic, whether it be their spouse, parent, child, etc. These sessions have been tremendously helpful... a resource that I would have completely bypassed had I not picked up the phone twelve months ago and got the ball rolling.

IME there's a LOT more resources available for spouses of alcoholics, but us ACoAs actually fit into that category quite well, because as we all know here, ACoA issues often feed our adult issues (especially who we choose as partners). So even though I'm at a completely different place in my life, seeing those windows of familiarity in other people really bolsters my strength that I'm doing the right thing. I'm getting healthier.

DesertEyes

Been there, done that

Here's how I learned how to take care of me, and to figure out who I am.

First, I was taught to use those things I was really good at as a result of surviing a toxic family, and turn them around to be _healthy_. I am _really_ good at taking care of people. Seriously good at it. But I am completely unable to apply that to myself. So instead of fighting it, just re-direct it.

Imagine that somebody dropped off a 10 year old girl at your door, and left no note. This child has survived _your_ life, she has all your fears, all your insecurities, all your history. Think of her as some kind of science-fiction xerox copy of yourself at 10 years of age.

Your task now is to take her with you _everywhere_ you go. Every minute of the day she is with you, and you have to find a way to take care of _her_ needs as you go thru your daily life. You need to protect _her_ feelings, _her_ needs. I was unable to take care of myself, but it was easy to imagine myself taking care of a child.

When I go get groceries I get very stressed. I have too many responsibilities and the time it takes to find, purchase, transport groceries interferes with all the other myriad commitments I have volunteered for myself.. So I pretend I have this 10 yr old child with me. would I rush that child? of course not. I would protect that child from my over-commitment compulsion and find a way to make the grocery trip enjoyable.

I have taken a juggling class and I juggle rolls of paper towels at the grocery store. Okay, so I'm not very good at it

That was the first "baby step". Now I sing songs in the aisles, make it a point to smile at peeps, chat with the clerks. At first I forced myself to slow down for this imaginary child, but after a bit of practice I have come to enjoy the store, as well as the ocassional astonished look from passers-by

you did. We all did. The moment we took our first breath out of the womb is when.

You are going to do _exactly_ the same thing you would do if the decision goes _for_ you. You are going to love that child with all your heart and soul.

What your child needs has nothing to do with benefits, cases, support services, and all that "stuff". You could be the richest woman in the world and not a single penny of that money would be of any use to your child. The _only_ thing that is going to make a difference in your childs' life is your love. Nothing else matters. Nothing.

So you can "turn over" that case decision to your Higher Power, who is the only one who can do anything about it anyway. All you have to do is love your child and his world will be perfect.

no worries. We all feel that fear in our own lives. It comes from having our emotions poisoned by a "toxic family". You go right ahead and feel whatever feelings you need to. Then let your HP take care of the actions. That's what HP's are for

Mike (((( hugs ))))

dothi

I'm going to read your article, but it reminded me of something first.

I recently read, "The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog," memoirs of a child psychologist. He describes working with terribly abused and traumatized children. One case specifically describes a young girl whose mother was murdered in front of her (throat slit - a key event in the child's trauma). Police had a traumatized, dysfunctional girl who was having meltdowns in her foster home.

The psychologist took an entirely nonverbal approach in their sessions, letting the girl guide the activities. She did exactly as the title of your article suggests; after many sessions of quiet, unrelated play, she made the psychologist lay down in the same position as her mom, and replayed all the things she had done to cope with that horrific situation. They continued until her need to replay the trauma ebbed, and she was returned to her foster home with a far better chance for receiving love and finding success.

Not many people can understand that.

Iwanttoheal

I hear you DesertEyes. I hear you. (((Hugs)))

Oooh, ouch, squirm - yeah, yeah I know that I can't control this - do you think however my HP would mind if I had a couple of back-up plans just in case....

It's a bit tough if he does mind coz I've now got 3 worse case scenario plans lined up. It took me to get to 3 back-up plans to feel safe enough to let it go (oops). Hmmmnnn - don't think I'm a very good advert for higher powers and 12 step plans - IWTH quietly leaves the board.....

Morning Glory

I was a repeater. I played it all out over and over again through my life. I have been free of that for around 25 years now. I realized it was the child within me that kept repeating and searching for what she never got. The child in me had to face that and only then could I let it go instead of constantly searching for it. It was something that could never be replaced or fixed. I had to grieve the loss.

I disconnected all the memories of neglect and abandonment from the emotions that went with it and all that was left was free floating emotions. Those free floating emotions caused all my choices and need to repeat. Everything I faced was an unmet need before I was 16 years old.

I think there are parts of us that stop developing when our needs are not met. There were parts of me that remained a child. I had to face, with the emotions of a 4 year old, that I was not wanted. It was terrifying even though I was almost 40 at the time I faced it. I had to face that as a 7 year old I was emotionally abandoned. As a 10 year old I was raped and had no one to help me. Instead I was ridiculed for my behavior when I acted out afterward. I was always alone and no one knew me. It took years to accept that I am a highly sensitive person and that's ok. It is not a weakness, it's a gift even though I gained that gift through very painful circumstances. Being strong is also a gift even though it is gained through painful circumstances.

It can be extremely painful and terrifying when we once again associate the facts of our childhood with our free floating emotions, but that is what sets us free and allows us to grieve what we never received. Then we can move forward and learn to receive nurturing and help in an acceptable adult method. We learn to set boundaries and find balance. We don't need to repeat the rejection, neglect, abuse, etc.. We learn to accept love and help from others in our life that accept us in spite of our character defects we are still working on.

I also think repeating comes from trying to find love in the only way we learned what love is. The love we learned is highly dysfunctional and doesn't give us what we need. If you are anything like me it was easier not to need at all rather than face that rejection.
There is a balance between unhealthy independence or dependence. It is healthy to be interdependent.

I run a program for adults with developmental disabilities. I'm sorry they didn't feel you qualify for services. You would qualify here in California. I think maybe a roommate situation would be really good when your son is ready. It works well for us here. Someone who doesn't qualify for services rooms with someone who does and benefits from the supervision and training. Some of our clients are very low functioning and live on their own with roommates.

You are doing a wonderful job steering him toward independence. There are so many parents who never do that and keep their adult children dependent. It might take some time, but I think you can find a situation that will work for both of you. Most people are usually always denied Social Security here. They have to fight for it. We have attorneys here who specialize in that.

It's ok to be tired. Just living in our own skin can be exhausting without the challenges of daily living. I still struggle with that.

Iwanttoheal

Morning Glory, you have just put everything that I am going through at the moment into words. Thank you.

Wascally Wabbit

I know we acoa's work harder at everything to make up for what our dysfunctional parent could not do. That's what makes us strong.

My mom quit drinking over 30 years ago. But, she still acts the same. Same complaining, same criticism, same selfish self centeredness, same everything only without alcohol.

I firmly believe that if my mother loves me, it's only because she thinks I am going to do something for her.

After years of alanon, and a lot of SR, I am coming to terms with all those feelings.
So what if she doesn't love me unconditionally? Everything revolves around her and her wants and needs. No one else matters to her but her.

I know one thing, that behavior stops with her. I do love my children unconditionally, and would do anything for them. I have grand children that I get to see every day.
My sister won't even talk to her. My sis's kids won't either. Could it be because they don't want to hear her whining and complaining, and all that horrid criticism? Of course it is.
My mom lost one of her daughters and grandchildren, and I keep her at a distance. Distance works great for me. I don't have the daily reminder of just how much I don't mean to her.

Im sorry I don't have too many words of wisdon, but wanted you to know you're not alone!

Iwanttoheal

Thank you Wabbit - it is nice to know that I'm not alone - it is a lovely feeling being connected to everyone on SR.

I just thought I'd finish off this thread and let everyone know that my son has been just been awarded Social Security for the next three years and I have been awarded a full-time Carer's Allowance.

I don't know what I feel - very relieved obviously. 18 months ago I was working full-time and my son was hanging-on by his finger nails in high school. For the last 12 months I have been trying to find support for my son to allow him to continue his education or even just gain life-skills and allow me to go back to work. This award is like - well we haven't got the appropriate facilities to support your son but we recognise that he cannot function independently (yet) in mainstream society so let's see how he gets on with you at home.

Talk about daunted - I have a highly intelligent, physically fit 18 year old with poor motor function control and sensory issues whose social interaction and communication skills are approximately those of a 10 year old. I have to guide and support him to hopefully achieve adult independence with no infrastructure in place. Eeeeh, doesn't sound much if you say it quickly but you know what, we will be okay .

A big thank you to you all for your support