Mattcake

I've been writing and re-writing this post for days - maybe during my whole life. I don't want to throw a pity party, or.. act like a victim.

I've often wondered why maintaining my sobriety (that's not to say my recovery) seems relatively easy to me. I guess I could hang the "alcoholic" label on both my parents, and on myself - or, at the very least, "problem drinker". But that has always felt artificial, like a high-pitched tinny noise. I've always sensed there was more to it.

I recently completed a workshop that involved certain exercises which opened up the floodgates of long-gone memories. I was able to see, quite clearly, the violence of my formative years. There was never any actual physical violence, but the rigidity of the demands I was exposed to was -and is- overwhelming.

Overcoming familial dysfunction... and growing up; that's the centrepiece of my recovery.

The parental message I have always received -to this very day- boils down to "you're never to grow up". I see this very clearly now, and it hurts a lot, mostly because I did, in fact, follow this commandment, a commandment that was never explicit but was the main undercurrent of the way they "raised" me. The irony being, with their constant enabling, I felt completely abandoned.

I literally taught myself menial things, such as learning how to shave my face. To this very day, "grown up" stuff, such as keeping a job for any amount of time completely elude me.

The saddest part is, I don't blame anyone nor do I feel resentful - at least not consciously. There is no doubt in my mind that these "caretakers" -my parents- sincerely tried their best. And I love them. There is no denial.

They just tried their very best.

Starburst

hugs, I feel for you, I am also a child of an alcoholic parent, my other one really only drank when I went to bed, but nevertheless, the damage of a divorce and very strict parenting also left me at a loss. As a result my A Dad died of this when I was 15.

My AH was exposed to his mother being a total alcoholic and was never cured until he left home, but the damage has been done, he then also took to drinking, was sober for 8 years, the last 3 he fell off the wagon and hasnt been able to clean up his act.

Welcome to SR and I hope that you will find informative information on this site and please read the sticky's on the top of the pages, they are very useful.

thinking of you

Mattcake

Thanks for your kind words and warm welcome, Mamm.

I actually posted in this subforum once before, and I read the threads here often. I have a lot of respect for the ACOA forum. I'm don't feel ashamed - my life here in SR is an open book... nor am I denial or, at least, not any longer. I'm gradually trying to cultivate commitment, courage and acceptance, as it's becoming increasingly clear to me that I need to work on this stuff. Still, talking about these issues openly is very hard and taxing.

I sure hope your husband gets the help he needs soon. Thanks again, I really appreciate your encouragement.

Starburst

You are welcome, if you need to chat just send me a PM, I am new to this site as well, as people and the family of alcoholics is so close to my heart, i just want to encourage you all, it can be beaten.

Working through things is the best thing to do.

Ceres

My biggest issue is probably neglect. We were the two girls who were dirty and dressed ourselves in first grade badly and rushed because she always overslept. I was prone to getting nasty birdsnests in my hair.

I did not know what it felt like to be a girl. To be pretty. So, I hung around the boys in the neihborhood. Which was fine. It's just that in hindsight, I didn't feel like a pretty girl and that's why I didn't have many girls as friends. Boys were easier and just as dirty as me.

Anyway, I never knew how to braid hair or anything like that. When I got pregnant I wished and wished for a boy - 'cause I wouldn't know what to do with a girl! I have two boys. :-)

I learned how to get prettied up at 16 when a friends mom put me under her shopping-makeup-dresses-loving-self wing.

But the feeling of not knowing quite how to be a woman never completely left. And I still don't know how to braid hair!

EveningRose

mattcakes, I'd love to hear more about why you feel they didn't want you to grow up.

For a long time, I regarded my family as generous. But in recent years, I've come to see that there's an element of control in generosity. I ended up putting up with bad behavior more than I should have and longer than I should have because deep down, I think I was afraid that I couldn't ultimately make it on my own, without their generosity. My mother was always saying that my grandmother (dad's mother) controlled him with her money, and I now suspect that's at least part of the truth behind my parents' giving.

I was also subject to very rigid and ultimately impossible to meet demands. I realize now that there was no objectivity in the expectations. They were the result of the mood of the day and changed with the wind. Or, if someone was in a bad mood, they would be mad at anything, regardless of what I'd previously been told to do. Or, as I'm coming to believe from reading about alcoholic family roles, and seeing and hearing the things my mother thinks of me (even in the face of proof to the contrary at times!), they simply regarded me as a problem child and went into situations expecting to find fault, so they always did.

Of course, I didn't know any of that as a child, and just thought I was completely incompetent, because every time I turned around, I'd supposedly screwed up again.

cymbal

I really related to this post. Sometimes the thanks button isn't enough.
I remember the surface hair was combed, but underneath were the knots (for me anyway). Its a sort of metaphor for life when I try to keep up appearances, but I'm a mess underneath the surface. My mom even reinforced being a tomboy because I was supposed to be one doncha know?