microcat

Hi, i found this forum after doing another late night searching the web for information to help in my situation. I am just now recovering from a really stressful/tiring 4 day weekend of moving my dementia/alcoholic mom from her home to an assisted living place. I thought I'd share my situation and see if anyone else has a similar situation to share.

My mom has been drinking since 1971 if I remember correctly. I was just 9 at the time but I remember the fights with my step father and how she had a drink in her hand at the time. My dad left in 1968 so maybe that started this whole thing. Once my mom left husband #2, she would start drinking vodka in the evening until she fell asleep. She did have a regular job as a nurse and was not having problems at work, but the drinking at home and the tiredness and the stress of raising 4 kids on one income probably caused her to act mean. Psychological abuse, some physical abuse, yeah it was a bad time growing up. My older sister left as soon as she could, I went to college and my younger siblings left as soon as they could.

So, this left my mom living pretty much alone for the past 30 years. We didn't think she was drinking a lot, when we saw her during visits or the holidays, she seemed ok. Us kids had our shields up so we may just have been sheltering ourselves.

Fast forward to 2007 when we notice Mom is more confused and cannot remember short term things like how she got to my house or where her car is parked. So, my sister and I get involved more closely and find out that bills are not being paid and things are just starting to fall apart. Mom had bruises on her face now and then. We discovered broken lamps and tables and assume she has been falling. Living on 5 acres that are 30 minutes from the nearest small town has us worried.

We know that Mom still drinks and her family doctor doesn't seem to worry. He treats Mom for high blood pressure and sends her home. In 2009, he performed the standard test to measure for dementia. I am told she had early stage dementia and has 4-5 years to live. No more info. wow.

This is where the conflict comes in to play. I want to keep a distant relationship with my mom but I don't want to become her caregiver for two reasons: I have a family of my own and I still have issues about the way I was raised. But, being the middle son I push forward and start digging into the information I can find.

I start by getting my Mom to see a geriatrician 1.5 hrs from her house. The diagnosis of dementia is confirmed and some severe vitamin deficiencies are noted and treated, assumed to be because Mom is not eating well living alone. We are told that she needs to move to assisted living and should not be driving. As a stroke of good (?) luck, her car quits working and my little sister and I become the primary source of groceries and care to my mom as she lives out in the forest.

This is when we notice the drinking. 1.75L bottles of gin are consumed in a couple of days. We are constantly being asked to buy more gin, more wine, anything with alcohol. My mom chuckles and says she likes a little wine with her meals. Most recently, we had made extensive plans to get Mom to a funeral for a close relative, but when it comes time to get out of bed 5 hours before the flight, she says she doesn't feel up to it and hangs up. (she now regrets not going but doesn't remember hanging up)

So, this past weekend, we move Mom to assisted living. The moving part was not very tough but the cleanup was amazing! Bags and bags of empty bottles/cans hidden. Piles of papers/trash in the closets. What should have been a 1 day job went almost 2 full days. All 4 kids showed up for the packing and moving. During the cleaning, we were all resentful and were sniping at each other. We did not like having to clean up this mess.

After just 3 days in Assisted living, the nurse calls and says we have a problem. Now they are discovering the same thing that we started seeing: chronic alcohol abuse. While other residents are having fun with activities, my mom is completely focused on keeping her alcohol supply stocked. The staff calls me in for a meeting and we discuss options. She says "we are not an alcohol rehab center". A fax with this information to the new doctor results in a terse response: "She needs a higher level of care". yeah, so can you help with some details?

Today we have a monthly doc appointment for my mom, so I really hope to learn something more. The siblings have all gone home and are already sick of the situation. Since I'm closest to the assisted living place, I get to do the doctor runs, but they are a lot shorter now.

What if the assisted living place askes my mom to leave? Can detox be done on a 76 year old woman who has been drinking for 40 years? Will it kill her? Cause stroke? Heart attack? I called a few places that do detox and none wanted to deal with the dementia. But, is the dementia caused by the alcohol? Is the dementia causing Mom to forget when she had her last drink? Too many questions.....i'm not stressed out but i'm started to wonder if anyone cares at all. I'm really disappointed in the doctor we chose.

Thanks for letting me spill my guts. This is an ongoing saga but wanted to introduce my situation to the board as a start.

guiab

I cannot give any specific advice. Both my A parents past away before the senior citizen stage.
You seem to have identified the problem:
Your current sources of professional information, the doctor and the retirement home, are not proving useful. They ought to refer you to better advice, unless you have already pursued that route. Your siblings are not proving helpful in the information gathering area either.
I am certain there are geriatric specialists who deal with alcoholism - it is sadly more common than is thought.
Keep trying and asking. Persistence to the point of annoyance may prove fruitful.

utopia

Sorry to hear that. Have you heard about alanon?

I go to meetings and have found many who experienced what I have..aside from getting more serenity I also found others who had been where I had and learnt of great resources, including great professionals who could be more understanding and aware of the nature of alcoholism, might be an idea.

personally, they say my mother has epilepsy and parkinsons...i say she was far too stressed to deal with the effects of my fathers alcoholism on her and her brain snapped under the stress...i think the western medical models reluctance to accept a hollistic idea behind disease can be a little misleading at times....my mother doesnt require care but her memory and abilities are thwarteda bit. my father i have ceased contact with and he can rot if he is ever ill.

my partners father is also an alcoholic (surprise surprise)..and my partner is his carer who visits through the week for cooking, cleaning and washing and he has two aides who help on other days.....the drinking is very heavy still even though hes had brain damage from seizures...i think our lifestyles definitely have a huge part to play but in the end what matters is today....youve mentioned your mother a lot and i can empathise with your concern. i hope you can look at how this is affecting you and your needs and that you are good and gentle with you and yourself....i say this because i tend to need that reminder myself. love and blessings to you. xx

microcat

Thanks for all who have read or responded to my initial post. It's comforting to know that others have worked through similar situations.

It's been 2 weeks now and I hope things are settling down at the assisted living location where we moved my mom. There was a meeting between my mom's geriatric specialist and the RN at the assisted living place to work out a plan for controlling the amount of alcohol my mom is consuming or buying. We are going out to visit today and we'll see how my mom is settling in. I have heard that after about 4 weeks things really start to settle down (or not).

The doctor's appointment last week indicated that my mom's liver is damaged due to alcohol and sometimes I wonder if her dementia is caused by her drinking. Would she be a better and more social or friendly person if she wasn't drinking all the time? Will the "structured day" that she now experiences result in more happiness with her life vs the past where she had no reason to get up and drank all day whilst watching TV?

My siblings and I took a break from each other and are repairing the wounds that were reopened during the 4 day move weekend. My mom's home is now being shown to Realtors and hopefully it will sell this year. I've received great support from friends so far. I realize we're not out of the woods, but I need to incorporate this situation into my life as just another aspect instead of it being a constant source of worry. "utopia" has a good point, I need to take care of myself too.

Wascally Wabbit

My mom quit drinking over 30 years ago. I stayed away for two decades.
Now I live somewhat closer, 4 hours away.
She is getting old, 78. She is wanting to move close to me. I know for a fact she is going to try to manipulate/guilt trip me into living with me. It is absolutely impossible. I simply couldn't do it.
So, when she comes to visit me in a couple of weeks we are checking out assisted living centers, which she can not afford. It's part of the manipulation. Take me to these places so I can prove I can't afford it, then you will have to let me live with you.

I am prepared though. At least I think I am. I have my answers stored away in my head that I will give her. I always have to stay one step away from her manipulation.

Any way, back to you. You might check out a different doctor for your mother. Some doctors just aren't as good as others. I have had that experience my self!
I hope it all works out for you.

Kerbcrawler

its tricky to say whats best..clearly your mom wants to continue drinking..do you try to force her to stop? in order to enable her to comply and stay in her new shared assisted living home..is she happy there? does she like it? or would she prefer her privacy close by to you or other family members? could you or other family members have her live with you? do you allow her to continue to drink or force her to stop at that age? a difficult predicament...hope you can find an amicable solution and all parties are happy, personally im of old fashioned beleif that parents spent so many years looking after us and bringing us up..doing there best for us..that when there old and frail..and cant quite look after themselves,..we should return this and look after them in there final yrs..unless of course there happy to live in the enviroment you mention and live by there rules..good luck.

tromboneliness

Ya, that's the standard Norman Rockwell view of old age that those people out there with no recovery like to tell us we should do. Well, f890 that. When our parent is an alcoholic, raging control freak who treated us like hired help (if not indentured servants) growing up, that shoots your Norman Rockwell picture all to H3ll.

My Dad (90) flatly refused to do the sensible thing and move to assisted living or even any kind of place more suitable for an old person than the 3200-square-foot house I grew up in. His kids refuse to move back and work as his indentured servants again. He doesn't like it. Well, too f890ing bad. He made his bed, and now he's having to lie in it. How you do you like that?

I'll skip the Norman Rockwell scenario, thanks. My Dad was a petty tyrant when I was growing up, and that's what he wants to be again. Well, sorry -- but he can take this job and shove it -- I ain't working there no more. Nor am I giving any quarter when people try to tell me I "should" do this and that. Nope, sorry -- none of their effin' business. And if they'd had to live with my Dad, they'd know what I'm talking about -- but they didn't, so they don't.

T

Kerbcrawler

Well thats actually how i would deal with mine..if they were still alive..as they did there best for me an my sister..sorry to hear you went through such emotional trauma..and no i,d probably not want to live with your dad either...my opinion...your opinion.

utopia

each to his own. i know for me, i always went by the opening of an alanis morissette song,

"i know he's blood but you can still turn him away, you don't owe him anything"

Iwanttoheal

I just wanted to share that I too have had the joy of clearing out an alcoholics "home". My dh's father (another alcoholic surprise, surprise) died of a heart attack 15 years ago. He cashed in his life assurance policy and went out on a final bender that he must have enjoyed but left us to pay for his funeral, putting us in debt for 2 years with a 3 year old and a 6 month old new baby.

The state of his home was beyond belief - bottles, cans everywhere. Bottles of p*ss and a bucket of cr*p (when he made it to them) in his bedroom - he couldn't even be bothered to drag himself to the bathroom.

The selfishness of alcoholics beggars belief and the abuse they heap on their children can be phenomenal and it never stops (my experience).

What we should have done was to walk away and not look back but we are responsible people, responsible citizens (just like you and your siblings), we are their caretakers. So my dh and I cleaned up his cr*p literally and went cold and hungry to pay for his funeral (another time my own codependent mother could have helped us but chose not to and took herself off on her expensive foreign holidays playing the merry widow).

Now my own mother 74 is becoming frail, she refuses point blank to go into sheltered accommodation (the uk equivalent). The last time I was in her house, I puked because of the smell. She cannot manage it and the filth is building up. She wants me to clean it up for her - well she can wh*stle. She can however still manage to organise her flights for her expensive holidays, pack her case and get to the airport. So in my mind, if she can manage the good things in life, she can also manage her household chores.

It is a power game, a sense of entitlement these people seem to have - no matter what they put us through as children, it is our duty to look after them - well as has been said before - f*ck that. Maybe a child who has been loved, cared for and cherished would want to care for their elderly parent - I don't know, I only know I am not that child.

Enough of me, as you can see your post has triggered me - oops.

Remember to look after yourself and to take care of you. Just because you live the closest does not mean that it falls to you to carry the burden alone - set up a rota, pick up a quarter of the responsibility if that is what you want to do. Good luck.

utopia

this thread has me thinking about the sense of duty, the sense of martyrdom and role casting that seems to take effect in these toxic family environments.

the painful truth for me has been when i started respecting my boundaries and no longer accepting abuse as ok (because they were blood family) I found that most of my blood family abandoned me, cut me off or treated me as if I were being selfish, unforgiveable and cold...I think most people know this and dont want to face that stark reality that the love is so conditional in so many cases.

i myself struggle to feel compassion at times and sometimes feel really irritated by the actions and hurtful words of family members but recovery teaches me they are sick people, but that i am not responsible for anyones recovery but my own, that it is not fair that it has to begin with me but if this were a fair world, would my family have been affected by this disease in the first place?? its a beautiful world but it is not "fair", what is?

its purely and soley my choice if i want to take care of someone who has become so sick based on their own choices....the guilt and shame is only what has been encompassed in my mind from generations of ill effects of the disease of alcoholism (dysfunction, whatever)....

i feel this is ego based, as i find it to be strong in religious and ethnic communities that also tie up their identity in their labels, and it is not a sane world when we look at what the sane leaders are doing around the world, that is why I believe we must lean on a higher power to surivive and find a path to His peace and comfort, to be our strength in letting go of those who we cannot change and trying to make the most of this, our one precious life, why are we wasting it on these people abusing the "we're blood family" card when all they do is treat us like a doormat. lord help me get off the floor and stand tall.

Kerbcrawler

yes agreed, maybe a child that has been loved cherished,cared for would want to take care of there elderly parents...of course naturally...returning what was bestowed upon you...fair play i would say..

microcat

wow, thanks for everyone who has shared on this thread. Seeing that I am not alone in this situation is helpful and makes me feel stronger that others are working to deal with it.

4 weeks have passed since we moved my mom into assisted living. We have a fragile peace between the director of the assisted living place, my mom and my mom's geriatric specialist. As long as we can continue like this, things will be ok, although I have been told to have a Plan B just in case my mom gets a 30-day notice to move out due to public intoxication.

We've sorted through about 20 trash bags of 'trash' so far and have more room in the garage to park the car. Along with the mildewed papers and food wrappers we've found birth certificates, uncashed checks and unpaid bills. I'd tried to save as much as I can, recycle what I can and also get rid of what I can.

The biggest issue I have now is that my mom is being stubborn, saying that we took all her things from her, we did this to her. WE did this to HER? Would it be too much to thank us kids for the work that we've done so far, to put our mom into a place where she gets 3 meals a day and has a great view? This is where I (and my siblings I think) start to spiral into that space where we don't want go: resentment and anger! After the "wonderful" upbringing, complete with constant hitting, yelling, telling us how worthless we are, we now are taking care of that same person. WHY? As some say, it's a sense of responsibility I guess. Maybe it's some guilt, but not sure why. If my mom died tomorrow, i would be sad but relived. When I left home, I never wanted to return. Now I am sorting through bags of soiled undergarments in my garage whilst my mom demands more gin.

I keep myself centered. I tell myself that the assisted living place is doing what they are paid to do. And, i've returned to seeing a therapist. Thanks, Mom. Nice F'ing job.

FaultyWiring

Keep us posted and good luck.

least

I can well imagine your frustration and mixed emotions. My mother is also in the early stages of dementia and displaying some very unpleasant qualities not at all like her normal self... and she doesn't drink! I don't know what I'd do in your shoes, but I will only say to be good to yourself, true to your needs and the needs of your family. I think you're being a very good son, especially considering the unhappy upbringing your mother gave you.

Do what you need to do for her without selling yourself short. You deserve a happy family life, don't let your mother's problems/addiction do (any more) damage to you. :ghug3