Raging at parents

Old 03-10-2010, 06:45 AM
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Raging at parents

For the past week or so this anger inside me has just been building up inside me, ive been going to meetings but not sharing how im really feeling, until today, then it came out in tears big sobs and snot.

I just feel really furious at my parents and the 'lost' childhood ive had, I cant remember any happy times and I certainly had no-one in my corner or who I could trust. Growing up it almost felt easier for me to blame myself for how my life had turned out, I couldn't get my head around the fact my parents had badly let me down. Even now im furious that I go to alanon, coda and acoa and they wont even entertain the idea of recovery even though my dad stopped drinking 15 years ago he is essentially a 'dry drunk' and as for my mum she is so self-obsessed/centred..she angers me the most!

So I shared today in a meeting, im sharing now here, I spoke to a friend about it last night and im journalling and praying. My mum called 2 nights ago but I couldnt answer the phone to her, right now I just want to keep away from my parents.

Can you fellow adult children identify with the rage im feeling? Is it a process?Is it possible to be able to let go of the past?

I know at least 3 things I need to look at/work on is detachment, inner child healing and grieving. Maybe this is me getting in touch with my inner child and grieving?

Any E, S, H very much appreciated.
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Old 03-10-2010, 09:51 AM
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I feel the same way about my parents. The worst is being confused, wondering if I am just imagining it all and they really were great parents. My father especially swears he never did anything wrong, and he's so adament, he believes it so much himself that it makes me wonder, makes me think maybe I'm the one with the problem. Then I remind myself of his many marriages and divorces, his alcoholism, his brushes with the law, his history of drug use, his various diagnosed mental illnesses, etc and that makes me feel better. Not because I'm glad he has so many issues, but because I'm reminded that my anger is legitimate, it's normal, its natural, there's nothing wrong with it. I'm not the one with the problem.

The worst thing about growing up in a crappy, alcohol or drug damaged, or abusive home is that the parents will rarely ever be honest about things, even years later. That can be even more infuriating than the actual memories you have to deal with. Other people are also unlikely to understand unless they had a similar experience in childhood, especially other family members who are liable to think you should just "get over it" for the good of the family or who may be more concerned about your parents than they are about you.
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Old 03-10-2010, 11:08 AM
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Hi Kirsty, you are not alone in this feeling.

I am recently coming out of a few years of seething, bubbling anger that I could not figure out how to release. After growing up in a house full of denial, it was like the dam had burst and the waves of anger were years of backlogged, pent up feelings. Any interaction with the unhealthy members of my family only prodded the open wound, and stirred the anger up.

Try googling the stages of grief and see how they might apply to your relationship with your childhood. I found knowing these stages really helped me identify where I was at in the "letting go" process.

Originally Posted by cobra8 View Post
The worst thing about growing up in a crappy, alcohol or drug damaged, or abusive home is that the parents will rarely ever be honest about things, even years later.
This 100%

In order to deal with the anger I had to remove myself from the reinforcing behaviors of my family (your feelings aren't as important as ours, you don't really need help, you don't really need attention, you need to get better to focus on us again) It's not the easiest option, but for me, it was the most effective.

Even when I was a teenager still living under my parents' roof, all the work I did was to get at my main goal: get out and get better.
My AF is like cobra's parents - so busy telling people what a great father he is, but WILL NOT TALK to his children about any "mistakes" he ever made (drinking through holidays, forgetting birthdays and special ocassions, screaming fits during car rides home, etc.) It was not possible for my brain to start getting better (and stay better) until it was no longer exposed to my AF's ongoing toxicity.

Keep journalling. Keep getting the feelings out. It will feel pointless at times, like you're not making any progress. It will feel like the pain will never go away. It's part of how our minds dramatize things: we believe we're either 100% better or we're 100% not. Don't necessarily believe the times your brain is telling you that you've made "no progress".

My mind became overwhelmed with all the "little things" that my parents had done (or not done) that really hurt me. As an adult, I needed time to go over each one and accept that it wasn't my fault, my parents were not going to apologize for it, and I needed to move forward. I had to do this one issue at a time. This helped me expose the deeper layers of betrayal I was feeling, and finally work through those too.

The bad news: It's not fair, and it's not going to be made up to you, even though you didn't do anything (besides be born) to deserve it.

The good news: It's your life. How you choose to live it is truly your own choice now. You sound very committed to your recovery. It can be a long journey, but you are already much further along than you realize


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Old 03-10-2010, 01:11 PM
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Originally Posted by cobra8 View Post
My father especially swears he never did anything wrong, and he's so adament, he believes it so much himself that it makes me wonder, makes me think maybe I'm the one with the problem.... The worst thing about growing up in a crappy, alcohol or drug damaged, or abusive home is that the parents will rarely ever be honest about things, even years later. That can be even more infuriating than the actual memories you have to deal with. Other people are also unlikely to understand unless they had a similar experience in childhood, especially other family members who are liable to think you should just "get over it" for the good of the family or who may be more concerned about your parents than they are about you.
Yup. They never admit anything -- because in their eyes, there's nothing to admit; they're perfect, and everyone else is the one with the problem. We should consider ourselves privileged to have been allowed to breathe the same air as these people, grow up under their expert care, and otherwise bask in the glow of their overall superiority to the rest of humanity.

That's how my Dad still feels, at 90. No regrets to speak of. The fact that his kids live in other states? Obvious evidence that we're not in possession of his superior judgment. Our refusal to move back and take care of him in his old age (read: submit to his iron will and dictatorial authority, the environment we grew up in)? Clearly, we're a couple of total ingrates.

This is why I say I'm "running the clock out" on him, and that if we were the same age -- and the four-corner-offense strategy thus not available -- I would have to kick him out of my life altogether. As it is, I can just nod my head and let him be "right" as much as he wants -- why take issue with him anymore? It's not going to last much longer, and his increasingly frail condition (unclear, at this point, whether he's going to be able to come home from the nursing/rehab place at all, and if he does, he'll clearly need round-the-clock care) means that even if he doesn't "admit he was wrong," it isn't going to matter.

That's not an outlook I'm happy with -- but at least it's better than that of my no-program sister, with her 10,000-RPM brain spins, trying to plan, control, worry, people-please, and micromanage my Dad's care in hopes of somehow engineering a happy ending, after all this time....

T
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Old 03-10-2010, 06:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Kirsty View Post

Can you fellow adult children identify with the rage im feeling? Is it a process?Is it possible to be able to let go of the past?
Yes, yes and yes.

When I became willing to let go of the past and resentments something happened.

The last time I saw my father,(probably the last time I'll see him alive) he hacked on me about my motorcycle. I can take being hacked on, but this is an industry for him. Beyond sports and weather, what he finds lacking in me is the only other thing he has ever talked about with me. He's an artist and finding fault with me is his true medium.

He was blathering on about some drama he wanted me to participate in, but the motorcycle thing just stuck out this time. Not only did he once ride motorcycles, he sold me a motorcycle once. The absolute insanity of it all really struck me. As I looked at this closely, the scope of the insanity unfolded. This man is gripped by pure madness. The decades of drama, the violence, the tirades, all the rantings of a mad man.

My wanting him to be a father is not unreasonable, he simply does not have it to give.

Digesting that has led to the realization that everything, and I mean everything that I carried away from my relationship with him was based on an illusion. There could be no reflection of me because the mirror was broken.

That is the filter I need to use in my life every day. Self doubt, anger, shame, regret, all of it I need to run through that filter to find the truth.
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Old 03-10-2010, 06:39 PM
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For the longest time, I needed my Mom to acknowledge and apologize for the chaos that she forced us to live in. I worked at it, I raged at it, I yelled about it. She would not budge, she denied. I had such anger and rage and if she would just admit it all, I would feel better. I was asking something of her - emotional honesty and insight - that she was incapable of giving.

So in this tug of war we were in, I just put down my end of the rope. I am powerless over people and things and I cannot make her change so that I will feel better.

I was wanting her to validate me - to let me know that I mattered - and once I realized that, I realized the futility and just let it go. I could hold myself in high esteem, I didn't need it from an external source.

Once I began to accept (the things I cannot change) this, my rage lessened and my esteem rose and I no longer needed those things from her.
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Old 03-10-2010, 11:29 PM
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You are normal and in good company!

Until recently, I didn't realize how important it was to be mad at my mom, even though she isn't the addict and she tried very hard to shelter us kids, blah blah blah. She still made bad choices and they still impacted my life. Her life was shaped by my father's addiction. I recently realized that as much as I've tried to teach her how to parent me (I feel I still need parenting, even as an adult), she is simply not capable of being the mom I want or need. I'm angry about that. I've grieved hard for that. I've grieved hard for the losses of my childhood. You mentioned seeing the need for inner child work and grief work. Sometimes those are connected and it's your inner child that needs to grieve.

Like others have mentioned, I found journaling to be really helpful. Grief is about loss and it ended up being really important for me to very specifically identify the losses. This wasn't easy because some of the losses are really ambiguous. I made what I called a "loss poster" where I filled a poster board with short descriptions of things I have lost. A loss timeline was also helpful for me to see where the bulk of the loss occurred. I am lucky enough to have some really good friends who were willing to hold my hand through some of the grieving and having them act as witnesses to my loss (through sharing the loss poster or talking about it) was really healing.

Also, remember the popular stages of grief are actually geared toward accepting a death as opposed to less concrete loss, so if they don't resonate with you, don't think you're weird. If you google "ambiguous loss" you may find some of the info that comes up helpful.

Be gentle with yourself as you work through this.
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Old 03-11-2010, 06:25 AM
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For the longest time, I needed my Mom to acknowledge and apologize for the chaos that she forced us to live in. I worked at it, I raged at it, I yelled about it. She would not budge, she denied. I had such anger and rage and if she would just admit it all, I would feel better.
I did the same thing until one day a therapist asked me "what would your life be like if your mom/dad did apologize?" And I realized I wouldn't believe them. Because only on two occasions in my life have I seen either parent be "real" in their emotions. So even with an apology, I would still have been in the hurt/angry place. Like Roxie, I let go of wanting that apology.

Can you fellow adult children identify with the rage im feeling? Is it a process?Is it possible to be able to let go of the past?
I believe that most, if not all, of us here can definitely identify with the anger and rage and frustration to the point of wanting to hit something (or someone). It is part of the process, but only if you can navigate a way forward through it. Otherwise it is not part of any 'process', it is just a stuck spot that you will be in for the rest of your life. Many of us here have siblings who have not or were not able to move beyond their stuck spot.

"Letting go of the past" is a little tricky. The past makes us what we are, even if we've done years of program or therapy, even if we mostly have our lives straightened out. I still have a past. My parents still did and said some horrible things to me. My past won't ever go away barring some kind of stroke or brain damage that causes me to forget - and I'd really rather not go there, thanks. BUT - it is possible to reframe your past, to redefine your place in the world now and what role you're going to allow your past to play in your present world. You can let go of the emotional impact it has on your daily life.

It sounds like you're doing all the things you need to do to get headed in the right direction. It's a lot of work, but it is so very worth it!
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Old 03-11-2010, 07:13 AM
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Thanks guys for sharing your experiences and insight thus giving me alot of hope!

I feel that while im grieving and working on this process I'd really rather not have any contact with either parent, but then I feel guitly for thinking this but right now I cant talk to them as im so full of rage so i'd rather not, dont want to say anything I might regret- not that im worried about hurting their feelings but my illness will still in some way make me feel guilty.

Bless you all x
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Old 03-11-2010, 11:05 AM
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Originally Posted by Kirsty View Post
my illness will still in some way make me feel guilty
This made me laugh It's funny 'cause it's true!

Definitely not trying to make light of your situation. It's just maddening how ridiculous this toxic guilt can make us think and feel. Hang in there, Kirsty!
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Old 03-11-2010, 01:45 PM
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I think for me when I finally allowed myself to be angry, is when I made the most progress toward healing. The only way out is through.

I think that once I got past the anger, I could talk about the feelings beneath the anger. I found sadness there, and I could also be honest and real with my parents when before I'd just pretend to be who I thought they wanted me to be. I was one who just took what they dished. I feel stronger now.

I am no longer willing to play my assigned role anymore. Its a process.

I have to keep telling myself that I no longer need to fear my parents because now I'm an adult, and they're not giants with all the power.
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Old 03-12-2010, 06:37 PM
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Originally Posted by cobra8 View Post
The worst is being confused, wondering if I am just imagining it all and they really were great parents. My father especially swears he never did anything wrong, and he's so adament, he believes it so much himself that it makes me wonder, makes me think maybe I'm the one with the problem.

The worst thing about growing up in a crappy, alcohol or drug damaged, or abusive home is that the parents will rarely ever be honest about things, even years later.
I recently had this same experience. I told my AF a number of things he'd done, some violent, and he simply told me I'm imagining it all.

My mother, who is not the alcoholic, is in many ways worse than my father. I'm starting to realize that her taking part in the alcoholic family system, descending to going along with my father in viewing me as the scapegoat, along with her poisonous tongue that never stops telling others what she (erroneously) thinks of me, has probably forever destroyed any chance of me having a good relationship with my sisters. The younger ones, especially, see me through the ugly things she said about me all their lives. This is how they will forever regard me. They will forever feel they can follow the family example of explaining to me all my (supposed) problems and blowing up in frustration when I don't see sense and jump through their hoops.

In the last conversation, no matter how often I pointed out I AM already doing exactly what my sister was telling me I must do, the upshot was that she says I'm not, so I'm not. So I better start. Where do you GO with that?? But she has been raised to believe I'm unreasonable and 'stubborn,' my mother's favorite word for me, and just 'refuse' to listen to anyone. So to her, I couldn't possibly have a valid point.

At this point, I'm hearing through the grapevine how ungrateful I am, how much they've done for me, etc. I was cut out of gift-giving last year because I wouldn't go to their house. That's okay with me. At this point, my dignity is worth more to me than the money.

I figure I'm going to be cut out of the will. It does seem rather cruel that they raised me as the supposed incompetent screw-up who can be corrected by everyone in any possible manner, and are now going to punish me for finally objecting to it. But really, I just want to be free of it. I just want peace.

Anger? I guess I do struggle with it. Ironically, it comes out mostly when I try to pray. My thoughts go to my family then, when I don't think much about them any other time anymore.

I think the anger will continue to go away with time, with living my own life, with making more friends outside of their influence. It drains bit by bit with accepting that this is who they are, and they'll never be anything different. For me, I try to regard God as my father and Mary as my mother (I'm Catholic in case you couldn't tell from that, lol.) I look to them as the parents who love me and see the good in me.

The anger drains as I see the good I can do for others, and the successes I can achieve in my own life.
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Old 03-13-2010, 02:03 AM
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Hi Evening Rose

Just wanted to say I can really relate to your post - my father was the alcoholic and my mum the enabler, and same as your family dynamic, she definitely caused me much more damage than my father did, by using me as the family scapegoat telling all and sundry about all my problems growing up how difficult I was etc etc she could be really poisonous. And I also dont have much of a relationship with my siblings because of this.

I realized yesterday, during my therapy session, that the reason im so angry with my folks is that they are both now in new relationships (so they're happy just now because they are being fixed) and they now want me to join in and play happy families- which is something I longed and craved for for years- but I feel so angry because they cant or wont acknowledge the abuse and pain I suffered growing up, I even rang social services when I was 13 and put myself into care because I could not handle not knowing what mood they were going to be in on my way home from school. So for them to now just want to move on and brush everything under the carpet..well 'little me' isnt standing for it! And I know any kind of talk with them about it would be fruitless, as I said they cant or wont accept or acknowledge what happened.
So I guess I just need to stay away and work on me and my recovery.

Best wishes to you all x
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Old 03-13-2010, 07:22 AM
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Hi Kirsty - and everyone else who has replied to this thread -

All your comments make me realize that I'm not the only one that thinks like this... (How many times have we all said this - LOL!) I have eliminated most contact with my parents for all the reasons that are mentioned in this thread. Kirsty - I too am angry over my lost childhood, etc. I've "given" myself some of that childhood that I never had by watching interactions between healthy, loving parents and their children. I've watched the look in a child's face when *I* put my hand out and say "gimmie 5" when they've done something well. I am able to absorb some of their feelings and "give" myself some of it...

One thing that has really helped me put my anger in perspective is this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-parents.html

I think your anger is a good sign that you are working through things - I still get angry (not too often), but the anger is now very different - I no longer have the physical rage that tore through my body like I did earlier.
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Old 03-13-2010, 05:22 PM
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Kirsty, as Mike said...how good to realize I'm not the only one, although I'm sorry anyone else does feel that way. But it is always interesting to see how the scripts are so similar, and reinforces that I'm not crazy, no matter what they tell me. (Yeah, I imagined my father throwing me on the bed and choking me...when I was 23 no less. Highly likely--she said sarcastically.)

I just stayed after school with friends and doing extra curricular activities as much as possible and then was chewed out for 'not loving my family.' When I did come home, it's not like we had pleasant times together, anyway.

Mike, I really found your post interesting, because one of my clues that I'd had an abnormal childhood was that, as my children grew older, they and I still had a good relationship. My parents always told me either that my unhappiness was due to all my supposed problems, or that this was just normal for teenagers. I see in my own children it's not normal. I treat them with a little respect, and try to behave myself with integrity instead of the disgusting, whiny, temperamental behavior my mother showed, and lo and behold, we get along pretty well, generally enjoy each other's company, and seem to actually like each other!

Another thing that has helped me is regarding my parents as 'impaired.' Just broken, sad people. As I hear the opinions other people hold of me over the years, it helps me believe the truth of this. When I was doing my student teaching, for instance, a cafeteria lady out of the blue, told me I'd be very successful because she could see I was kind. I held onto that, realizing that other people saw something very different in me than what my parents told me. And bit by bit over the years, I've achieved things I can be proud of, I've done things I believe will leave other people's lives better, I find joy in those things, and it helps me bit by bit to genuinely pray that my parents would someday find the same joy. Because I know they're miserable in so many ways.

Work on living your own life, pursuing your dreams, doing good for other people to leave a positive mark in the world, and the anger will gradually go.
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Old 03-13-2010, 06:32 PM
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My story is of a alcoholic mother, and a detached father, who wouldn't protect me against her insane rages. She ran the house, and she drank-A LOT. And she was a mean, vicious drunk.
For a young boy, this was a horrible situation. I was so ashamed of her, & since I NEVER knew what I would walk in on when I got home from school, I wouldn't bring any friends over at ANY time. I hated HIM for being such a cowardly WIMP. I became socially withdrawn, sexually confused, developed self-hatred, didn't care about school, constantly acting out, & was known as a "bad" kid by the time I was a teenager.
I was an accident waiting to happen by then. I WANTED to smoke dope. I WANTED to trip on LSD. I WANTED to drink myself to death if I could.
How I hated them. For years.
To make a long story short, I was able to begin the process of forgiving a few years ago. I realized that I had no hope if I kept blaming them for what I had become. So, I forgave them a couple of years ago & finally got sober.
But I would be lying if I said I loved them. That sucks, but I had to get rid of my self-imposed guilt trip because of the way I felt towards them & accept the things/feelings I could not change.
I have their pictures on my wall. But that's as close as I can get.
Please don't let those horrible, negative feelings eat you alive like I did.
Let it go.
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Old 03-13-2010, 07:40 PM
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Have not really recalled when the relationship with my parents changed. I can remember, in my very early life, little about my parents. As time moved along the relationship with them, and my-self, began to change. Mom was an addict and dad an alcoholic and I was desperate to fit in with my friends. The level of authoritarian control by my dad and mom's passive aggression made life hell. I was determined to get what I wanted regardless of the consequences. Consequences could be severe, with dad whipping me and mom saying; "that's not enough". Life followed that pattern for most of my youth. I hated them almost as much as I hated myself.

I blamed them for my problems in life and hated them accordingly. It was not until I got sober, did I realize they were sick people, who, through my own behaviors, caused them to use the only means of correction/discipline, they knew how to use. Granted, what they did was wrong/abuse, but, I had to own my part as well.

I did not have children because I knew what I was capable of doing and I didn't want to be responsible enough to change. It was another symptom of my self-centeredness.

I thought I would have to read letters to them at their graves but sobriety opened mind heart and mind to acceptance and forgiveness. I could always tell how much anger/rage I had towards them by how angry i would become when talking about them. It doesn't happen anymore. I continue to work on forgiving myself, and life is better than it ever could have been before.

We are all on our journey here. Each of us has had similar experiences with subsequent damages. Getting it out and not letting anymore accumulate are key to recovery, so it is vitally important to get some sort of help.

It will take time. We didn't suddenly get in bad shape, so, we can't expect to recover all at once, either. It's a process which continues, day by day, with some days far better than others.

Love? I'm learning more about it daily. As I do, I find I am loving others as well as loving myself, a little at a time. I t won't happen if I don't put forth the time and effort.

Don't give up. Don't live in fear. Love others and you will learn to love yourself. You will find you are a good person regardless.................. Peace.:ghug3
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Old 03-13-2010, 07:59 PM
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Never give up.
Do what you must to keep a small light of hope in your hearts....

I had no contact with my wn children for fifteen years.

Thanks to The Grace of the Infinite,
and the program of alcoholics anonymous...

I found them and mustered the courage to contact them ....

and we've been emailing and talking ever since.

It's possible.

It CAN happen.
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Old 03-14-2010, 01:58 PM
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We have a right to our feelings, a right to be angry, and it does not have to be negotiated.
We do not have the right to an apology or amends, nor should we expect any.

I say this having gotten angry while reading an alonon book the other night, and the anger was directed at my 20-years deceased father. I had never felt that kind of anger because I had been well trained to not believe my own thoughts and emotions. My anger was truly on the level of the bitter and abusive anger my father directed at his children and wife for so many years. It was a relief to feel that anger. And disturbing, as I now know exactly what words and tone of voice could have hurt him and my mother deeply, with the same soul-killing impact that his verbal machete attacks had on me and my siblings. My dad would deny it all, say it wasn't so bad, tell me to look at all the things he gave us, and my mom would also say it should all be forgotten, but I know I would get them angry enough, a really nasty tearful rage, to know they saw the truth.

Factually, I would be right is saying those words. But I very much doubt it would make me happy. I would be eating a very cold plate of revenge. And the cycle of abuse would continue.

I have been going through a 4th step inventory, and it requires real honesty about feelings and attitudes. A lot of them are ugly, the stuff of novels, but they are out on the table in the light of day. I own that anger at my father. Over time, with more Step work, I will work with the feelings and heal. Mistakes, theirs and mine, are lessons for me and my siblings, and should not be buried nor used to burn the house down. My feelings may not go away, as the past cannot be erased, but they will be less temping because I have learned from them.
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Old 03-14-2010, 07:36 PM
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My Dad is still -- at 90, flat on his back in a rehab place and being spoon-fed, this afternoon, by yours truly -- such an intimidating figure that neither my sister nor I can really talk to him about anything of substance, related to personal stuff. It just is never going to happen.

Meanwhile, his condition has improved quite a bit, to the point where he might be able to go home soon -- albeit requiring 24-hour care. Which is going to be an issue, because he is going to balk at the cost. although he can afford it, even at $20/hour * 168 hours/week * 52 weeks/year. (Do the math -- that's some serious cash, but he could afford it for several years.) Being a child of the Great Depression -- which he was telling me stories about this afternoon -- he can't get his head around paying anyone much of anything for anything. So a confrontation looms -- he'll want me to go home and be his caretaker, I will not do it. But man, does this stuff stress me out.

I'm serious -- the guy is barely able to get out of bed, and it was a major victory that they took out his catheter the other day and he can now pee on his own. They got him up today, and he walked out of the room and a few steps down the hall with the physical therapist, before deciding that was all he could do and going back to bed. He's pretty much all used up -- yet I can't even say "Boo!" to the guy....

T
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