Are all A's this freaking crazy!!
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Are all A's this freaking crazy!!
I joined here about a month ago and everyone has really helped me. My family did an intervention on my AM and she agreed to go get help. Well she only agreed to go to make us stop talking and even though we knew she was not ready, we took her on the off chance that MAYBE the place would open her eyes. Well it soon became apparent that she was just following the steps to get out fast. She did not know that the program we picked out has stages and can take up to 9 months. She does not like that at all, but it was a free program with a 70% success rate after the first year for people who honestly work the program.
In the beginning she called everyday for us to get her and said she was all better. We told her no everyday. Then she called for us to come get her for weekends becuase she said she had a weekend pass. Well we told her no to that as well because I called the place she is at and found out that she is lying. We have not seen her since she went in because every phone call is an argument. I don't want to put up with that face to face and neither does my family. She was supposed to start Stage 1 today, but she called my dad and said that it would be a while before the next stage. That means she is still not admitting the problem and not ready to move up. She told my dad that the counselors are telling her that she does not have a problem. My dad called her out and said that was a lie. She then said that when she was in her room drinking "tang", that was all she was doing. She said she was not drinking beer. My Dad got very mad at that and yelled because that is a lie. We found over 50 beer cans in that room within a week!
How can she still lie like this? She has been in this place for 32 days now. How long before the lies stop? I don't understand the mentality behind these lies. When we did the intervention, I put the trash can in front of her with all beer cans so she could not lie. Everyone at the intervention, including HER, saw what she had consumed within a week. I know an A lies while they are under the influence, but really????? She has been sober for 32 days now. When does this s--- stop? When does her mind come back enough for her to know that she is lying or does she know now?
This is so frustrating and it is making me very angry. I know that she will not get help until she wants it, but we are not picking her up from rehab so it looks like she will have a very long stay there, but when does she get the hint that we are not falling for the lies and when will she just stop calling and at least go through the motions? We are trying to do what is best and what we have been told to do by recovering A's, but it does not get any easier with time. It just gets harder. I miss her, but I don't miss the hurt and anger. Should I go see her and tell her to stop calling us or leave her a note with the cigarettes I drop off for her? What do we do to make this stop?? This is a level of CRAZY that I never knew existed!!
In the beginning she called everyday for us to get her and said she was all better. We told her no everyday. Then she called for us to come get her for weekends becuase she said she had a weekend pass. Well we told her no to that as well because I called the place she is at and found out that she is lying. We have not seen her since she went in because every phone call is an argument. I don't want to put up with that face to face and neither does my family. She was supposed to start Stage 1 today, but she called my dad and said that it would be a while before the next stage. That means she is still not admitting the problem and not ready to move up. She told my dad that the counselors are telling her that she does not have a problem. My dad called her out and said that was a lie. She then said that when she was in her room drinking "tang", that was all she was doing. She said she was not drinking beer. My Dad got very mad at that and yelled because that is a lie. We found over 50 beer cans in that room within a week!
How can she still lie like this? She has been in this place for 32 days now. How long before the lies stop? I don't understand the mentality behind these lies. When we did the intervention, I put the trash can in front of her with all beer cans so she could not lie. Everyone at the intervention, including HER, saw what she had consumed within a week. I know an A lies while they are under the influence, but really????? She has been sober for 32 days now. When does this s--- stop? When does her mind come back enough for her to know that she is lying or does she know now?
This is so frustrating and it is making me very angry. I know that she will not get help until she wants it, but we are not picking her up from rehab so it looks like she will have a very long stay there, but when does she get the hint that we are not falling for the lies and when will she just stop calling and at least go through the motions? We are trying to do what is best and what we have been told to do by recovering A's, but it does not get any easier with time. It just gets harder. I miss her, but I don't miss the hurt and anger. Should I go see her and tell her to stop calling us or leave her a note with the cigarettes I drop off for her? What do we do to make this stop?? This is a level of CRAZY that I never knew existed!!
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She will continue to do whatever she thinks will allow her to go back to living the way she WANTS to live. She will lie, cheat, steal etc, if she believes it will get her what she wants (out of rehab where she can continue drinking).
The level of crazy has gone up because by being in the treatment center, her ability to do what she WANTS to do (drink) has been severely limited, so her attempts have escalated to the same degree as her ability has been limited.
Nothing you say or do will change her behavior. You can not control her behavior - only she can. No talk, no note, no visit will make her see what she refuses to see.
Perhaps she will come to see it in time, perhaps not. Obviously the people at the center do not believe she is ready yet, based on their statement that she's not moving on to the next stage now.
It is very difficult and sorrowful and dissappointing and a whole host of other unhappy feelings to watch someone you love doing this to themselves - usually that's where the anger comes from. Anger is often our psyche's way of covering up something more painful underneath the anger. It isn't caused by the situation, it's caused by what the situation makes us feel. If you can identify what's underneath your anger, you may find this situation easier to deal with as you will be able to work with your own feelings.
I doubt that your mom is going to change her behavior in the near future.
And yes, alcoholics can reach levels of crazy that are astonishing to non-alcoholics.
Hang in there.
The level of crazy has gone up because by being in the treatment center, her ability to do what she WANTS to do (drink) has been severely limited, so her attempts have escalated to the same degree as her ability has been limited.
Nothing you say or do will change her behavior. You can not control her behavior - only she can. No talk, no note, no visit will make her see what she refuses to see.
Perhaps she will come to see it in time, perhaps not. Obviously the people at the center do not believe she is ready yet, based on their statement that she's not moving on to the next stage now.
It is very difficult and sorrowful and dissappointing and a whole host of other unhappy feelings to watch someone you love doing this to themselves - usually that's where the anger comes from. Anger is often our psyche's way of covering up something more painful underneath the anger. It isn't caused by the situation, it's caused by what the situation makes us feel. If you can identify what's underneath your anger, you may find this situation easier to deal with as you will be able to work with your own feelings.
I doubt that your mom is going to change her behavior in the near future.
And yes, alcoholics can reach levels of crazy that are astonishing to non-alcoholics.
Hang in there.
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Thanks GingerM. I know that I have underlying feelings but I don't know how to tap into them without feeling worse. I tend to let the anger consume me because I find that easier than dealing with the hurtful emotions. I know that is not healthy, but it feels like my defense mechanism in making sure I enforce my boundaries. We have been through so much with my AM and everytime I let my anger go and try to deal with the emotions, I wind up letting my boundaries down with her and she walks through them again. I don't know how to let go of the anger and enforce the boundaries. I hate being angry all the time about it, but I guess I am not ready to feel the TRUE hurt of losing my mother. I have often wished the alcohol would just take her away from us so we could greive and move on insted of greving every day for a person who does not care. This site has helped me very much, but I think I am still not doing the actual recovery on myself that I know I need. I keep telling my dad that he needs to find someone to talk to so he can process his feelings and I think I need to take my own advice.
I did drop off cigarettes without a note or seeing my AM last night and asked the lady there if she was allowed to join the program. (We had a situation where she had to wait 30 days to be able to join and the 30 days was yesterday.) The lady told me that my mom still says she is not an A and does not need their program and will not join. She told me that all my AM has to do is ask. I also told her how my AM calls my dad and says the counselors are telling her she does not need to be there and she has no problem. The lady started laughing and I said that's what I thought. When I left I was very angry because it feels like my AM is saying loud and clear to us that she does not care about us. But really, how could she care for us when she does not care about herself. Even knowing this does not make it any easier for me though. I keep telling myself that she has to want this for it to work and I know that but I guess there is that hope that if she would just give it a chance, that it would mean that maybe we do mean something to her.
I talked with my dad last night and we have come to the decision that it is her choice whether she joins the program but it is our choice if we put up with it. The next time she calls us we are telling her that she does not have to join the program and she can do whatever she wants but it won't be at home. My dad will get a lawyer and fight for the house and the assets because he is the one that has paid for everything anyway. Sadly, I don't think my mom would care because the only thing she actually makes a decision about is her drinking. In all other aspects, she is much like a child in that she does whatever you tell her to do. Very confusing and hard to describe. We have done all we can do and while it's not a pleasant thought to think of her homeless, it's better than her destroying everything we have as well. I don't think there is a wrong or right thing to do when it comes to her, but I hope this is the best thing???
Still trying to process everything but also trying to take my mind off of it too. Wish me luck.
I did drop off cigarettes without a note or seeing my AM last night and asked the lady there if she was allowed to join the program. (We had a situation where she had to wait 30 days to be able to join and the 30 days was yesterday.) The lady told me that my mom still says she is not an A and does not need their program and will not join. She told me that all my AM has to do is ask. I also told her how my AM calls my dad and says the counselors are telling her she does not need to be there and she has no problem. The lady started laughing and I said that's what I thought. When I left I was very angry because it feels like my AM is saying loud and clear to us that she does not care about us. But really, how could she care for us when she does not care about herself. Even knowing this does not make it any easier for me though. I keep telling myself that she has to want this for it to work and I know that but I guess there is that hope that if she would just give it a chance, that it would mean that maybe we do mean something to her.
I talked with my dad last night and we have come to the decision that it is her choice whether she joins the program but it is our choice if we put up with it. The next time she calls us we are telling her that she does not have to join the program and she can do whatever she wants but it won't be at home. My dad will get a lawyer and fight for the house and the assets because he is the one that has paid for everything anyway. Sadly, I don't think my mom would care because the only thing she actually makes a decision about is her drinking. In all other aspects, she is much like a child in that she does whatever you tell her to do. Very confusing and hard to describe. We have done all we can do and while it's not a pleasant thought to think of her homeless, it's better than her destroying everything we have as well. I don't think there is a wrong or right thing to do when it comes to her, but I hope this is the best thing???
Still trying to process everything but also trying to take my mind off of it too. Wish me luck.
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I'm so sorry you are still dealing with all of this. Unfortunately, you have done all you can do, as you said. It's time to let it go. I know how hard it is, but for your own sanity, the best thing would be no more phone calls, no more taking her cigarettes, no more involvement in any way. I'm not sure how long they will let her stay where she is if she refuses help, but I can't imagine it being very much longer. Maybe if you start now with the absolute NO CONTACT, no cigarettes, no ANYTHING, she'll be so uncomfortable that she'll agree to join the program. I know it sounds like blackmail, but if you truly want peace from this situation, you have to completely remove yourself from it. Let your dad do whatever he needs to do to protect himself and you take care of yourself and your family. Like you said, you've done all you can do. The rest is up to her.
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Thanks Sukki, I know I need to remove myself completely. I just don't know how. I keep saying I am going to go to al Al Anon meeting to find out how but I keep finding reasons to not go. I guess I am scared of going and talking to strangers about all this. BUT, I have made my mind up that I am going to go tonight. There is a meeting that is 5 minutes from my house and I think I finally need to step up and do something for myself. I keep focusing on what I can do for my AM, dad, and my brother. I was talking to my aunt last night and she made a comment that really seemed to hit home on top of what you have been trying to tell me all along. She asked me who would take care of everyone if I was not there. Such a simple question, but it really blew my mind! If I was not here to try to help them, they would have to find a way to help themselves. There are reasons why I rationlize in my mind why they all need me, but what if my husband and I decided to move away or what if I was on vacation and could not take their call. I see now that the only way I can really help them is to let them find out how to take care of themselves without me, and the only way I can help me is to devote my free time to helping myself.
I am still scared about going but I WILL go tonight and I hope to gain knowledge and possibly some friends.
I am still scared about going but I WILL go tonight and I hope to gain knowledge and possibly some friends.
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So I went to my first meeting and it was great!! I am not recovered by no means but seeing how happy those people were even though they had so much going on really made me feel like there was help for me. They were very nice and helpful and I cannot wait until my next meeting. I can't believe I was so scared. I even spoke!! That is not like me at all. It felt good to talk about myself and how I feel instead of hearing how my family felt. I know that it will take me awhile to learn how to stop trying to fix their problems but at least I know that if I follow the steps and devote my time, one day I will be like those happy people in the room tonight.
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Thanks Wicked. I really should change my name, but I don't know how. It fit when I joined but not much now. :-)
The meeting just gave me hope that I CAN be happy and I CAN be "normal" again dispite what my AM does. It shows me that my life does not have to nor should it revolve around my AM's adiction and behaviors and the behaviors of my family. I know a lot of the concepts through things I have been told and read, but I need to "understand" them. I am learning that there is a BIG difference between knowing and understanding.
I love my family and will support them in anyway but I need to support them in a healthy way. I know that if those people in the room last night can find their way and be so happy with all the bad, then I can be happy to. If I devote half the time to myself that I have devoted to others and trying to fix everything, I can be well on my way to my OWN recovery.
The meeting just gave me hope that I CAN be happy and I CAN be "normal" again dispite what my AM does. It shows me that my life does not have to nor should it revolve around my AM's adiction and behaviors and the behaviors of my family. I know a lot of the concepts through things I have been told and read, but I need to "understand" them. I am learning that there is a BIG difference between knowing and understanding.
I love my family and will support them in anyway but I need to support them in a healthy way. I know that if those people in the room last night can find their way and be so happy with all the bad, then I can be happy to. If I devote half the time to myself that I have devoted to others and trying to fix everything, I can be well on my way to my OWN recovery.
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Originally Posted by amiwrong 
Thanks Sukki, I know I need to remove myself completely. I just don't know how. I keep saying I am going to go to al Al Anon meeting to find out how but I keep finding reasons to not go. I guess I am scared of going and talking to strangers about all this. BUT, I have made my mind up that I am going to go tonight. There is a meeting that is 5 minutes from my house and I think I finally need to step up and do something for myself. I keep focusing on what I can do for my AM, dad, and my brother. I was talking to my aunt last night and she made a comment that really seemed to hit home on top of what you have been trying to tell me all along. She asked me who would take care of everyone if I was not there. Such a simple question, but it really blew my mind! If I was not here to try to help them, they would have to find a way to help themselves. There are reasons why I rationlize in my mind why they all need me, but what if my husband and I decided to move away or what if I was on vacation and could not take their call. I see now that the only way I can really help them is to let them find out how to take care of themselves without me, and the only way I can help me is to devote my free time to helping myself.
I am still scared about going but I WILL go tonight and I hope to gain knowledge and possibly some friends.
I am still scared about going but I WILL go tonight and I hope to gain knowledge and possibly some friends.
As for your aunt who asked who would take care of everyone if you weren't there... that is Exhibit A of what we -- in recovery -- have to deal with. The basic thing is, People Without A Program think that we, who live with or have lived with alcoholics, are responsible for taking care of them. They don't understand that (a) it is not within our power to make alcoholics get sober, and that as a result, (b) we are allowed to stop trying and let go.
In my Dad's case (90, dwindling away in a bed at a rehab/nursing place), his problem is that he will not eat. They serve him food -- he will not eat (much of) it. My wife and I bring him better food -- he'll eat slightly more, but still not much. He knows perfectly well that he's not going to last much longer if he doesn't eat, but he's doing it anyway. The other day, he said to me, "It's amazing that my condition has come to this point. I know I need to eat more, but I don't do it."
Yesterday, the dietitian came by to talk to him. As she was leaving, she said, "Jim, we're going to need some help from you on this. You need to eat!"
As she walked out, he said -- and I'm not sure she heard this -- "If I could do that, I wouldn't need you!"
What the h3ck am I supposed to do -- or can I do -- to reverse this conscious decision my Dad has made, to check out? (That is a rhetorical question -- if he's decided he's had it, I am not going to try to fix this situation. I'm letting him go. I'll miss him when he's gone -- but nothing lasts forever, and eventually, we're all going to the same place.)
In any case, back to your situation -- go to meetings, listen, share, and soak up what the people have to say. You'll feel better. As for your AM, I concur with the others who have suggested that the best thing to do is just to cut off contact for the time being. She's just trying to manipulate you -- and the sooner she learns that it ain't working, the better off for everyone.
T
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Ami, I'm so glad you found this forum and extremely happy to hear that your first meeting went well and your fear was overcome.
Everyone above covered all the things I was thinking, so I'll just let you know that anyone who has ever been in the situation you're in would understand why you need to walk away.
Remember the first rule of rescue: never put the rescuer in danger. That means that if you're to be of any use at all to your brother and father, you need to take care of yourself first. You can't be useful to them if you're a mess yourself. So take care of you, then worry about them, then deal with your mom. Her decisions are not your decisions, the outcome of her decisions is hers to bear.
Everyone above covered all the things I was thinking, so I'll just let you know that anyone who has ever been in the situation you're in would understand why you need to walk away.
Remember the first rule of rescue: never put the rescuer in danger. That means that if you're to be of any use at all to your brother and father, you need to take care of yourself first. You can't be useful to them if you're a mess yourself. So take care of you, then worry about them, then deal with your mom. Her decisions are not your decisions, the outcome of her decisions is hers to bear.
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Trombone, I do feel better after going to the first meeting. It will be a weekly meeting for me now and I am considering two a week to begin with so I can really focus on me now. I am sorry to hear about your dad and I will keep you and your family in my prayers. It's hard to see someone make a decision that hurts them when there is nothing we can do about it and I need to get to the place where I am ok with it being their decision. I do now realize that I need to get to that point. When I was talking to my aunt and she asked me who would take care of my family if I was not there, she was actually telling me the same thing everyone is telling me. She has had an A in her life too and she was trying to make me see that I cannot put everyones problems on my shoulders. I guess I just needed everyone to beat that into my head before I finally accepted it, but I have it now and I need to focus on it. I know it won't be easy but it is already easier than what I have put myself through previously.
Thanks again everyone and thanks GingerM. I will make a concious effort to make sure I take care of ME first from now on.
Thanks again everyone and thanks GingerM. I will make a concious effort to make sure I take care of ME first from now on.
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Wow amiwrong. I was reading your OP and it was just tearing my heart out. I also was thinking, as I read, that it was too bad that you expected your mother to join into a program but you weren't ready to join into one (Alanon) yourself. And then BAM. The next post, you went to a meeting! That's really awesome. I am so glad you are going to go weekly. I'm just really impressed you are willing to work your own recovery. So many people don't and think it's all about the aloholic's recovery. (or in my case the addict).
It just shows your level of commitment. And that's fantastic. It sounds like your mom has a wonderful family and I'm sorry she's so stuck in denial. I hope that she gets it soon, but if she doesn't - you, your family, all of you - sound like you will get through this.
It works if you work it.
Hang in there!
It just shows your level of commitment. And that's fantastic. It sounds like your mom has a wonderful family and I'm sorry she's so stuck in denial. I hope that she gets it soon, but if she doesn't - you, your family, all of you - sound like you will get through this.
It works if you work it.
Hang in there!
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Thank you Kitty. I really needed that tonight. I have been reading the brochures that they gave me the other night and I am going to get Codependent No More this weekend. I am actually excited about the book now where I kept putting it off and reading ANY thing else before.
My AM did call me today and was very angry but I told her that until she decided that she needed help and really wanted her family back to not call me anymore and that I was not going to see her or pick her up. I know that what I SHOULD have done was let it go into voice mail but I honestly was still hoping that maybe she was calling to say she joined the program. Why is it so hard to listen to your head instead of your heart? While she did say that she was joining today I am not holding my breath and am also thinking that no matter what it really does not matter right now. I would be happy to hear that she was in the program but the fact still remains that I need recovery myself and insted of going into a rage or calling to check on my father (she calls my father first and then calls me and then I call to make sure my dad is ok), I went back to work with a smile on my face. I know that at the end of my road, I will be ok either way.
My AM did call me today and was very angry but I told her that until she decided that she needed help and really wanted her family back to not call me anymore and that I was not going to see her or pick her up. I know that what I SHOULD have done was let it go into voice mail but I honestly was still hoping that maybe she was calling to say she joined the program. Why is it so hard to listen to your head instead of your heart? While she did say that she was joining today I am not holding my breath and am also thinking that no matter what it really does not matter right now. I would be happy to hear that she was in the program but the fact still remains that I need recovery myself and insted of going into a rage or calling to check on my father (she calls my father first and then calls me and then I call to make sure my dad is ok), I went back to work with a smile on my face. I know that at the end of my road, I will be ok either way.
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Why is it so hard to listen to your head instead of your heart?
The other answer is that we are hard wired to be social, and in particular we are hard wired to stay within our clan/tribe at all costs to ourselves. Humans don't survive well on their own, and if we did not have this built in drive to keep the clan together, well, you and I probably wouldn't be here today as our predecessors would have been eaten.
It still comes down to the same thing though - unless you take care of yourself first, you will be of no help to anyone else (you, your dad, your mom, your friends, your coworkers - anyone at all). I used to have people tell me "you have to be strong." It was only much later that I realized that the only way I could be strong was to put me first, and only take care of others when I was fully equipped to take care of myself.
I'll also add that if you follow your plan of recovery, there is a tipping point at which the emotions quiet down into background noise. You will begin to see the behaviors for what they are, rather than taking them seriously. You will see very clearly all the manipulations, the lies, the attempts to guilt you into doing what she wants. While you're at the tipping point, you will struggle with anger even more than you are now - then you will see it all and be so hurt by it that it will induce amazing amounts of anger. And then....the scales will tip. You'll see the behaviors for what they are, and you'll be able to say "yup, there she is, doing it again," with no anger, no hurt, just acceptance that she's doing what she's always been doing. When you hit that point, you will find peace with your own decisions and peace (not enjoyment, not happiness, just peace) with her decisions.
Meanwhile, as she feels you pulling away and no longer allowing yourself to be manipulated, she will try even harder to manipulate. This, in a very odd way, is a good thing. Her attempts most likely will start verging on the ludicrous. I'm guessing that she will start behaving this way at about the same time you hit the tipping point. And her behavior will be so.... funny (in that not-funny way) that you will want to laugh and cry at the same time. Her taking it to extremes will be what allows you to let go of any guilt. Her behavior will be so blatant and so ridiculous that you would have to be completely blind to not see it for what it is. From there, you will be able to see the more subtle versions of the same behaviors.
She may or may not stop with her attempts at manipulation, there's no way of knowing. My father has been threatening to disown me since I was 15. I'm now well over 40 and still occasionally get threatened with him never speaking to me again. My standard response is "That is your choice, it is your life, you are free to do as you wish." Completely non-emotional response. The next day he brings me cookies, or scones, or offers to help me with yardwork or something. He never apologizes. He just makes a peace offering and acts as if nothing happened.
Yes, the behavior is crazy. But you can (and it sounds like you will based on what you've posted here) learn to see the crazy for what it is, and learn to not let it affect you any more than you let the crazy road rage people affect you, or the crazy people talking to lamp posts affect you. The great thing about crazy is that there is no truth in it for us - it makes it much easier to ignore
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Originally Posted by amiwrong
So I went to my first meeting and it was great!! I am not recovered by no means but seeing how happy those people were even though they had so much going on really made me feel like there was help for me. They were very nice and helpful and I cannot wait until my next meeting. I can't believe I was so scared. I even spoke!! That is not like me at all. It felt good to talk about myself and how I feel instead of hearing how my family felt.
You're doing a lot of hard emotional work right now and I hope you're taking good care of yourself. Al-Anon meetings were a similar eye-opener for me.....felt so good.
GL
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GingerM, I have to be honest that your post scared me a little. I have read it and tried to process it because I guess I thought once I made the step for help that the anger would get better because I would focus more on controlling it and letting the other emotions come to the surface. I guess I have a lot more to learn than I thought.
I have to say that between yesterday and today I have started tearing up out of nowhere when I am not even thinking about what is going on. I don't like feeling that way but I am wondering if it is my emotions trying to come out some? I don't know. I know that the feelings do have to come to the surface and I need to let them, but I wish I could control them better. I am an emotional person but also a private person so the tears are a little embarassing at work. I know that I will get through this but I have a long road ahead of me.
Thank God, I have you guys on SR and my Al Anon meetings now to help me. I don't want to go through life like I have for the past few years. I want to go back to being the carefree, happy person I used to be. Considering I am a newlywed that sounds bad because I am very happy about that, but I think you guys understand what I mean.
GiveLove, thanks for the support. It's amazing how I type my posts and feel rational but when I go back later to read them, I feel like I am reading someone else's post. It really does help me to read them over and over because it shows me just how much I do need help for myself. I am conciously trying to back off from my family's problems the last few days and you know what? My world has not ended and they are still ok! I have to admit that it does feel good to take away at least a little drama from my life. Now I have to work on not answering the phone when my AM calls. I think I will just turn my phone off during the day so I won't know that she called. Seems about the only way I can do it right now, but whatever it takes, I will do it.
Have a great weekend everyone!!
I have to say that between yesterday and today I have started tearing up out of nowhere when I am not even thinking about what is going on. I don't like feeling that way but I am wondering if it is my emotions trying to come out some? I don't know. I know that the feelings do have to come to the surface and I need to let them, but I wish I could control them better. I am an emotional person but also a private person so the tears are a little embarassing at work. I know that I will get through this but I have a long road ahead of me.
Thank God, I have you guys on SR and my Al Anon meetings now to help me. I don't want to go through life like I have for the past few years. I want to go back to being the carefree, happy person I used to be. Considering I am a newlywed that sounds bad because I am very happy about that, but I think you guys understand what I mean.
GiveLove, thanks for the support. It's amazing how I type my posts and feel rational but when I go back later to read them, I feel like I am reading someone else's post. It really does help me to read them over and over because it shows me just how much I do need help for myself. I am conciously trying to back off from my family's problems the last few days and you know what? My world has not ended and they are still ok! I have to admit that it does feel good to take away at least a little drama from my life. Now I have to work on not answering the phone when my AM calls. I think I will just turn my phone off during the day so I won't know that she called. Seems about the only way I can do it right now, but whatever it takes, I will do it.
Have a great weekend everyone!!
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I'm sorry to have scared you. I was aiming more for "brace for impact, because it gets worse before it gets better." I found that if people warned me in advance of what I was likely to experience, I could let my rational brain take over and say "hey, this is that stage that I was told about, and it does get better from here, but only if I go through this part of it."
Your mom is used to certain "tools" working on you. As you begin your own recovery, they won't work anymore. She will then try new variations on the old tools because she can't see what's making you behave differently. This has happened with every person I have ever had to distance myself from. The first time it happens, if you're not prepared for it, it can be awful. I just want you to know that her behaviors will most likely escalate as you start taking care of yourself.
On the positive side, her behaviors will start to escalate at the same time that you are learning to take care of yourself. This means you will most likely have better skills for dealing with her and it won't be nearly as painful as what you're going through now.
Right now? The tears? Totally normal. And to be expected. And healthy. Your mind is processing all the information you're taking in. The blanket of anger that has covered all the hurt is slowly being lifted, and all the hurt is finally being allowed to surface - slowly. You say you want to have control over them, but really, are emotions controllable? If they were, we'd all be happy all the time. You feel what you feel. End of statement. Emotions aren't rational or reasonable and you can't bargain with them.
But your mind is also an amazing thing - it will only give you as much as you're ready for. Historically, your mind covered your emotions with anger so that you could continue to function. Having the years of suppressed hurt and sadness surface will not happen all at once or leave you a pile of quivering jelly on the floor. Your mind won't let that happen. It will have things come out slowly, so that you can still function (not happily, mind you, but still functioning).
And after all that I will say the most important thing of all: it gets better. It gets so very much better. If you continue working on yourself, one day you will wonder how you ever got sucked into the arguments, how you ever became angry at such blatant manipulations. You will see clearly what is happening, and you will have the ability to decide (not react, but make a conscious decision) what you want to do with whatever the situation is. And life is so much more enjoyable and peaceful and happier.
Think of it like the flu - you start getting symptoms, you know in a day or two you're going to be lying in bed with your hair hurting feeling like you've just been hit by a truck, but you also know that in 7 to 10 more days, you'll be feeling good again. The analogy breaks down there though, because in this case, when the flu is over, you don't just feel like your old self, you feel significantly better. You feel stronger, you feel more capable, you feel less out of control.
You're at the beginning stages now. This is the hardest part, I think. Since you've already started the hardest part, you've got a pretty high likelihood that you'll find yourself in a better place a year from now.
I don't want to say "go into recovery and everything will be rainbows and unicorns," as I think that many people become disillusioned as a result of thinking exactly that, then quit trying. I will say that once you get beyond the hardest bits, the sun shines brighter, you will feel better about yourself, you will find who the real you is. There is hope, and there is a happier state of being that's achievable.
Your mom is used to certain "tools" working on you. As you begin your own recovery, they won't work anymore. She will then try new variations on the old tools because she can't see what's making you behave differently. This has happened with every person I have ever had to distance myself from. The first time it happens, if you're not prepared for it, it can be awful. I just want you to know that her behaviors will most likely escalate as you start taking care of yourself.
On the positive side, her behaviors will start to escalate at the same time that you are learning to take care of yourself. This means you will most likely have better skills for dealing with her and it won't be nearly as painful as what you're going through now.
Right now? The tears? Totally normal. And to be expected. And healthy. Your mind is processing all the information you're taking in. The blanket of anger that has covered all the hurt is slowly being lifted, and all the hurt is finally being allowed to surface - slowly. You say you want to have control over them, but really, are emotions controllable? If they were, we'd all be happy all the time. You feel what you feel. End of statement. Emotions aren't rational or reasonable and you can't bargain with them.
But your mind is also an amazing thing - it will only give you as much as you're ready for. Historically, your mind covered your emotions with anger so that you could continue to function. Having the years of suppressed hurt and sadness surface will not happen all at once or leave you a pile of quivering jelly on the floor. Your mind won't let that happen. It will have things come out slowly, so that you can still function (not happily, mind you, but still functioning).
And after all that I will say the most important thing of all: it gets better. It gets so very much better. If you continue working on yourself, one day you will wonder how you ever got sucked into the arguments, how you ever became angry at such blatant manipulations. You will see clearly what is happening, and you will have the ability to decide (not react, but make a conscious decision) what you want to do with whatever the situation is. And life is so much more enjoyable and peaceful and happier.
Think of it like the flu - you start getting symptoms, you know in a day or two you're going to be lying in bed with your hair hurting feeling like you've just been hit by a truck, but you also know that in 7 to 10 more days, you'll be feeling good again. The analogy breaks down there though, because in this case, when the flu is over, you don't just feel like your old self, you feel significantly better. You feel stronger, you feel more capable, you feel less out of control.
You're at the beginning stages now. This is the hardest part, I think. Since you've already started the hardest part, you've got a pretty high likelihood that you'll find yourself in a better place a year from now.
I don't want to say "go into recovery and everything will be rainbows and unicorns," as I think that many people become disillusioned as a result of thinking exactly that, then quit trying. I will say that once you get beyond the hardest bits, the sun shines brighter, you will feel better about yourself, you will find who the real you is. There is hope, and there is a happier state of being that's achievable.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by GingerM
Your mom is used to certain "tools" working on you. As you begin your own recovery, they won't work anymore. She will then try new variations on the old tools because she can't see what's making you behave differently.... I don't want to say "go into recovery and everything will be rainbows and unicorns," as I think that many people become disillusioned as a result of thinking exactly that, then quit trying. I will say that once you get beyond the hardest bits, the sun shines brighter, you will feel better about yourself, you will find who the real you is.
Somewhere, I have a program t-shirt that says, "Keep coming back. It Gets Better. Then It Gets Worse. Then It Gets Real. Then It Gets Different. Then It Gets Real Different."
T
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 58
Thanks GingerM. I think I understand better a little now. I have been reading Codependent No More this weekend and I do see where I am a HUGE codie. I will keep working and keep going.
I have a new problem now but I think I have done very well with it so far. My aunts want to go see my AM at the rehab center to try to talk her into going into Stage 1. I did not mean to but I started laughing when they told me because if they want to take over the insanity now then by all means have at it. I actually told them that they could try if they wanted to but don't count on me going. I am done with that. Been there, done that, and the T-shirt is in the mail to me. I did call and find out when they could visit her and let them know. I never offered to go but I did tell them to research the rehab place on line so they would not get sucked into a lie. My AM is very creative and if you listen to what she says you may think she is telling the truth, but if you know how the steps work then you will know she is lying. That is all I have done and all I will do. This is no longer my problem and I plan on keeping it that way. So I guess if I really think about it, it's not really a problem at all huh???
I have a new problem now but I think I have done very well with it so far. My aunts want to go see my AM at the rehab center to try to talk her into going into Stage 1. I did not mean to but I started laughing when they told me because if they want to take over the insanity now then by all means have at it. I actually told them that they could try if they wanted to but don't count on me going. I am done with that. Been there, done that, and the T-shirt is in the mail to me. I did call and find out when they could visit her and let them know. I never offered to go but I did tell them to research the rehab place on line so they would not get sucked into a lie. My AM is very creative and if you listen to what she says you may think she is telling the truth, but if you know how the steps work then you will know she is lying. That is all I have done and all I will do. This is no longer my problem and I plan on keeping it that way. So I guess if I really think about it, it's not really a problem at all huh???
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So I guess if I really think about it, it's not really a problem at all huh???
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