Kirsty

I feel a bit selfish posting this when others are going through real problems, but I have to get this out. I went to a Soul night tonight with 2 other friends in recovery, one of them had a few members of her family there, her daughter being one of them. Her daughter's the same age as me and I know J would love nothing better than for her daughter and I to be friends, but we seem to be oppisites, she's very glam and made-up with a strong personality and im well not.

Her daughter sat beside me and we chatted for abit but it felt a bit strained, like we didnt have much to say to each other. So I just felt miserable, didnt get up to dance the time I was there, made my excuses and left early.

Not her daughter's fault but I feel intimidated by her? I've not got a strong personality and neither have any of my friends, but my mum has so im not sure if that's whats triggering me..I just feel so upset because I thought I was doing so well in my recovery work, starting to like and accept me for who I was and now I just feel like im back at square 1.

It's me im uncomfortable with, why should I let other people affect me so much? What do I have to do to get better?

dothi

Hey Kristy, growing up in an alcoholic home often means learning to take responsibility for other people's feelings. We learn to take responsibility for our parents - our primary caregivers. Are they home? Are they drinking? Are they fighting? Are they safe? The drama/tension of an alcoholic parent persistently commands our attention. In an effort to avoid the drama, we become hyperaware of our A-parent's feelings. We do it to survive and avoid the negative behaviors of the A-parent (physical/verbal abuse). If we can anticipate when they're in the wrong mood, then maybe we can learn to avoid it all together.

And then when we go out into the real world and have NORMAL*(*majority of the population experiences this at least once in their life) negative encounters, we only know how to respond with the coping skills we learned at home: often that is taking responsibility for the other person's feelings. "That person was rude to me; then maybe if I try harder to avoid doing what I did to cause that encounter it won't happen again." We don't even consider the possibility of maybe, hey! that person was just rude!

Maybe the girl was just feeling awkward. And you were already feeling a little awkward. And once you were both aware, you both couldn't shake it. It really doesn't matter why she felt awkward. I say that because you don't know what was going on in her head - she could have been tired, had a rough day at work, got bad news, etc. The point is: you don't know.

Maybe it was you. From your description maybe she was also struggling to figure out how to relate to you (how to find something in common, and go with it). But if she had a problem then she should have addressed it. And that's not your responsibility; that's hers.

I remember this anxiety. It still creeps up on me at times. But I'm going to share a piece of advice for a strategy that works: stop acutely focusing on her. I mean it. You can still be aware of her, but stop focusing on her. Fake it if you have to. Focus on something neutral/interesting/engaging. If you're listening to other people talk, just listen to other people talk. But until she says something, it's not your responsibility to figure out what you did wrong in order to figure out why she didn't talk to you.

This strategy will not work 100% of the time. Some days you may genuinely encounter someone who has an issue that they can't sort out with you. But the majority of the time you will be quite pleasantly surprised at how often the next time you encounter this person, they will be relaxed to see you. You may or may not strike up a conversation.(if you do, great! chat it up and find out what this person is about) But it doesn't have to be a perfect progression to friendship.

The best part about it is it helps you to realize how often it isn't about you. And I mean that in the nicest way

Kirsty

Thankyou so much for that!

I DO need to stop focussing on other people and put the focus on me and stop hoping/wondering if they like me because I do (sometimes, most of the time) like me, there's nothing I want to really change about me- just to improve or enhance?

I guess I felt intimidated by her because I was comparing myself to her, I'm never going to be all glam like her -I haven't got the energy for all that or really the inclination- im natural and I need to start ACCEPTING me as I am that's the key, and not feeling thats how I SHOULD be, because im not that kind of person. Ugh I hope I dont sound shallow.

Really need to start working on feeling more comfortable in my own skin, that's the crux of it.

Thankyou x

GingerM

To add an example for what Dothi's saying: I am somewhat shy around groups of people, and around new people (I think I read this board for nearly 6 months before I started posting on it). My skill is to listen non-judgmentally and ask people questions about themselves (most people like to talk about themselves).

As a result of this, many people tell me that they think I'm a great listener (reality check: I may look like I'm listening, but my mind may be somewhere else entirely) and that I'm supportive and encouraging - even when I've said absolutely nothing in reply to their monologue.

Please be very careful in ascribing motivations to other people's behavior. You don't know what's going on inside their heads (notice that I can be smiling and nodding and not paying a bit of attention to what someone is saying to me, and yet, they will think I'm supportive and a good listener - they are ascribing traits to me based on what they think is going through my head, not on what actually is). They may have even bigger problems than you do, and like you, they aren't going to put a sign around their necks saying "My family is a crazy making machine and I can't cope with social situations" - so you really have no idea what's going on with them.

I once had a therapist tell me that ACoAs tended to be very self-centered. We don't think of ourselves that way because we're always trying to do things to please others - but what he said is true. If someone is in a bad mood, we think it's our fault. If someone acts oddly around us, we wonder what we've done. As if every bad thing in the world is somehow our fault. If believing that everything that happens is our fault is NOT self-centered, I don't know what is. Once we can grasp that we are not the center of all bad things in the universe, the world opens up a bit to us.