Astronomy

Hi everyone -- new to the forums, coming up on a year back in AA, with continuous sobriety since March 5th.

I am presently on Step Nine. I've made a few of my amends, but have been dragging my feet on some tougher ones -- i.e., those who generally don't KNOW I've harmed them. In short, I've stolen many meds during my drinking days, swiped them from people caught unawares. It's a behavior that shocks me now. I know this is the fundamental point of Step Nine -- continuing to clear away wreckage. But I've been having trouble with how to approach such people. A few are family, but one in specific is not -- and I know she has no idea what happened.

I'm guessing I'll get a lot of "just do it," as my sponsor says. I'm praying for willingness. I suppose I'm looking for your experience, strength, and hope in this area.

Best,

Jon

Sugah

I replied to your thread in Newcomers, Jon, but there are a few things I didn't say there that I'll say here.

It's hard to make amends, especially when you're not sure how someone is going to respond. It's especially hard when they don't respond well! But once you make it, once you make it right, to the best of your ability, you're free. You're not carrying around a debt. You don't have it on your conscience. You can forgive yourself. The slate is clean.

I say "you" up there, when really, I'm talking about how it was for me. I hope it's that way for you. I learned I could breathe a lot more deeply once I was knee-deep in the amends process. And if you haven't noticed, all those promises we read in meetings come right after the 9th step in the book. Guarantee you that before you're halfway through, you'll realize a bunch of them in your life.

Be well, my friend. Shoot me a pm & let me know what meetings you go to. I've got a good ol' AA hug I'll save for you.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Astronomy

I became aware awhile ago that the promises read in meetings were in Step Nine. I'd like to get them. Thus I'm aware what I must do. I'm working toward it -- slowly shedding my old skin, I suppose. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Much has changed quickly for me, now comes the test: how badly do I want this?

Pretty badly, I think. I'd like to sponsor people and be of help. So I know what I need to do, but need the courage to do it.

My HP's carried me this far. I need to go back to Step Three and relieve HP will continue to carry me.

But we drunks are tough nuts Nuts indeed!

intention

Hi Jon and welcome

Assuming you have discussed the specifics with your sponsor and they believe that direct amends are appropriate, you just have to take the plunge and do it.

My sponsor says - where there is no fear, there is no faith. You just have to believe that if you do the right thing by making the amends in the right way (putting right the wrong, rather than just apologising), then God/HP will be with you every step of the way.

Let go of the outcome. The person may react well or may not. If you believe God/HP can restore you to sanity, then He will protect you and take you to a better life, however the individual in question reacts.

Good luck. After, you will know a new freedom.

CarolD

Welcome to our Step Sub-forum...

sugErspun

God makes the ammend possible. It is always good for me to keep that in mind.

I agree that praying for the willingness is the correct approach..but the book is also clear that this spiritual life must be lived ( not a theory and all that).

As far as the people not knowing about things stolen from them: I have heard some miraculous shares about going to someone, explaining precisely what it is you are approaching them about (I stole your medications) and asking what you can do to correct this harm. I think being very specific at first, and then asking if there is anything else is always a good approach.

About approaching them: Contact them, ask if they would meet as you have something you want to discuss. It's the same as any other ammend. Even less awkward than those to complete strangers or situations which could potentially wind someone up in jail (ie - confessing to a crime that no one ever knew about anyways). There are just too many people who have ended up drunk because they were not 'painstaking' about this.

Great work.

keithj

"Does making this amend have anything to do with whether or not you'll drink again?"

That's a question my first sponsor posed to me when I was at that balking point. And then he showed me on pg 76 where it says, 'remember we agreed to go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.'

For reasons that don't matter, I shot out the back window of this guy's truck once. I'm sure he didn't know me or know why that had happened when he saw it. A couple years later I get sober, walk into a meeting, and there sits the owner of this truck. Even though he didn't recognize me, I shrank in my seat. Little old guy with 30 some years of sobriety. When the time came, I went to him and told him that a couple years before I shot the window out of his truck. I handed him a check for the cost of a replacement window, told him how wrong I had been, and asked if there was anything else I could do to set things right. All he wanted to know was a reason why, in case he'd done me some harm that justified my actions.

I've been able to say hello and give him a hug every time I see him since then, instead of hiding away with shame and guilt. Today I have freedom I wouldn't have known without making that amend.

intention

On the radio yesterday they were talking about a story in the papers of an elderly couple who had a garden gnome delivered to their home with a note saying from someone saying they had stolen it many years previously, they apologised explaining it was a prank.

Immediately I thought, it must be someone making a Step 9 amends but either they have missed the "direct" part of it, they were not willing enough, or they felt more harm would be done if they owned up directly.

Now if this was a Step 9 amends, I wonder how that person is feeling now. Has the shame and guilt been removed by making the amends indirectly? Is the amends enough to keep them sober?

Considering the story has now been printed in national newspapers and talked about on national radio, I wonder if the person just wishes they had knocked on the door, owned up and asked what they could do to make amends?

Ananda

OMG intention...i've got a trip to make to your area of the world...stolen milk money from an appartment complex....

intention

Direct amends, wherever possible

Slag

One of the issues that a person must face is the possible legal ramifications of the harm caused.

That does not preclude making the amends, however, I inform my guys that the steps are not a shield from possible prosecution should a criminal act had been committed for which the amends is being made.

Anyway, I made an amends after 32 years of sobriety as it was the first opportunity to do so. I was contacted through FB by a person I needed to make an amends to.

I always wanted to make this amends, I had tried in the past tried to locate this person. I traveled to the state where she lived and made the amends. Her response......was that we were teenagers (she helped me to find the rooms) and it was not a big deal.

Now I could finally rest knowing that my 9th step is now complete..

intention

I had a financial harm which I worked out that I could not make direct amends to. Even my sponsor agreed on this one.

I was quite pleased and I thought I had got away with it until my sponsor asked if this organisation worked with any particular charity. They did. I knew what I then had to do. A bit reluctantly I wrote out the cheque.

....But by the time I had sent it and it was cashed, I felt a huge amount of relief. It was quite suprising to me, particularly as earlier I had been pleased that I could not make direct amends on this one.

It taught me (a) I need a sponsor to help me work out who and how to make amends.....I would always take the easy option if it was down to me

and (b) there's always a way to make some amends even if "directly" is not possible.

intention

Thanks for sharing. I do wonder why people think they can't work Step 10 until they have finished all of Step 9. It's important that we are willing to make the amends when we have the opportunity.

Slag

Procrastination?

Misinformation?

Rushing through the steps?

Lack of direction/sponsorship?

Other?

chrisinaustin

I still have several amends where knowing the right path eludes me. I am willing, but can't get clear on whether or not the best amends I could make is to leave that person forever alone.

Ananda

as I was told...sometimes the best amend you can make is to leave the person the F alone....

In fact in one instance that was the request the person I made amends to made of me....

It's one of the hardest amends to make

Astronomy

Thanks for the advice, everyone.

Made formal amends with my father tonight. It went really well. And the amends I'm to make: keep on doing what I'm doing. I'll try my best...

...by now making some of my other tough amends